Hi, I'm lost

Not sure what I should be putting in this box so I guess ill ramble for a bit. . .

I'm 5'8 and 1/2 and at my highest weight 332.4 (its all in my stomach) I would love to be under 200, 195ish. I basically need to lose a person.

I don't want to be one of those people who look back at their lives and wish they would have lost weight because there was so much they could have done or realized they spent their whole lives hating the way they looked, but I feel myself becoming that person. I cant remember a time when I didn't think I was fat or was proud of how I looked. I've never look in the mirror and like everything that I see. There's always something; my cheeks are soooo fat, my arms are sooo flabby, the permanent inner tube around my waist, and the back fat. . . ughh disgusting. Its has become so bad I wont even take pictures because that's when I look the worst, still, saggy nastiness. I don't know what he feels like to wear something that I'm in love with. I buy what fits and hides everything I hate about my body. I'm always the fat friend. The one everyone tells "you have such a pretty face" which translates to "At least you have that now, if only you were skinny". I go to the gym and I get on the treadmill and people want to talk to me about how hard it was for them to lose weight tell me to "hang in there, this is the first step". Am I the only one who feels some type of way about that? Its a little depressing to me for some reason. I guess because I know I'm fat and no matter how "nicely" you try to put it comments like that let me know that you see it too. You see my double chin, my thighs touching, and that I've only been on this damed treadmill running for literal 60 seconds and I'm sweating like I've been running for a hour. And now your encouragement just made feel like I cant do this. What am I thinking trying to lose weight? I've waited to long.

I cant do stuff because I'm to fat. I cant go skydiving, I cant go horse back riding I cant even get on a roller coaster, I cant thrift, I cant spend one day with out being self conscience about something. This body has become a prison and I'm so close to losing the battle for control it's scaring me its like there is a voice in my head telling me I wont be happy until I'm skinner but its being crushed by fat me, who keep saying embrace your curves this is the body you're to have for the rest of you life you're stuck with it now give me curly fries with lost of honey mustard! I don't want to be this person but changing feels impossible but I've never wanted anything so bad. I know how but actually doing it and sticking with it until I get the results I want ? I don't know how to do that. I feel hopeless like I screwed myself and the only fix is a bunch of surgeries that I will never be able to afford without hitting the lottery(mega-millions). I'm always able to fix my problems my self but no matter how hard I try this one wont go away. I need help, advice something anything I don't want to die not knowing what its like to love myself because I wouldn't love myself (if that makes sense I know it sounds cheesy).

I don't know why I'm here or what I'm even doing but I'm desperate I don't have the money to pay a trainer to keep me on track and I don't know how to do it myself but I don't want this life. All I think about is how great it would feel to be able to run in the evening when there's a little breeze how relaxing it looks how the people who pass by on the trail make it look so effortless, how the look so happy and so attractive. I want to be one of those people.

OP. I started at 337.

It's possible. It sucks at the first, but it becomes habit. I've picked up a few things since I've done this... and I post this same thing all over the place.

It might help here too:

1. don't trust the initial setup that MFP provides. If you put in the wrong/inaccurate information, it'll tell you to eat an amount that may not be applicable.
2. Make sure you eat enough.
3. Figure out what works for you and is sustainable/healthy/long term.
4. avoid fads. don't buy in to any "Hey, try the twinkie and vodka diet"
5. Don't cut out anything now that you don't plan on literally giving up forever.
6. GET A FOOD SCALE. Weigh everything. No, seriously.
7. Get an HRM with a chest strap. You'll at least have a better idea of what you're burning. It'll be more accurate than the generic info in the exercise database.. and even more than the cardio machines. This is great for steady state cardio (run/walk/etc)
8. Don't go balls out. You'll burn out. I see 300 lb people show up here, instantly start working out and cutting their intake SEVERELY... trying to cut out all of their carbs at once.. whatever. Take it slow. Figure out how much you need to eat FIRST in order to lose.. then incorporate exercise.
9. Don't cardio yourself to death.
10. Take the information on the forums with a grain of salt. A lot of people that have been here for a while.. and have been successful, may seem jaded. They give out GREAT advice day after day, only to be met with people that refuse to listen.
11. Eat real food. Not diet food. Not "low fat, sugar free, now without X." It's easier to get/find/count.
12. don't set time restrictions.
13. measure yourself weekly. Don't just weigh. Measure and take pictures.
14 BE PATIENT.
15. Avoid forum topics that have "1200" in the title. It's just full of butthurt. Lots of it.
16. This isn't a game, it's about changing your lifestyle. Do that.

pretty much that.

...and don't fall into the "1200 calorie" vertigo of suck because of:

the typical MFP users does this:
1. I wanna lose weight, let's try MFP.
2. OH! Wow, it tells me I can lose 2 lbs a WEEK? AWESOME!
3. I just sit at a desk when I'm not working out, I guess I'm sedentary.
4. MFP tells them 1200 calories, and they don't even eat that.. then they work out on top of it.. creating an even bigger deficit.
5. Lose a lot, fast, brag about 1200 calorie success.
6. Come back in a few months trying to figure out why they're dizzy, tired, not losing weight.
7. Get on the forums, ask why they aren't losing.
8. Get two responses (I eat 1200 and lose) (I eat 2200 and lose)
9. Argument ensues about who is right.

Now. That being said. These threads happen hundreds of times per day. Most times, and I mean really.. seriously.. 95% of the time.. people get the 1200 number because they don't put the right information in when they set up the account. There are a great number of people that are trying to help. I'm one of 'em.

I'm a hardcore advocate of actually finding out what works for the individual.. by means of other calculators, averages, time, practice, and patience.

Blanket prescriptions of 1200 calories "because it worked for me" is more harmful to the generic new user than the "figure out what you need to eat." Unfortunately, one is a LOT easier to type.

Find out what you need: http://scoobysworkshop.com/accurate-calorie-calculator/
Take the tips, links, and info above and make the cart more manageable to stay on.

Best of luck. You deserve a new you and I know that you WANT the change. Make it manageable and it will certainly stick.