The joke thread
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1. "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs." Peter Kay
2. "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper
3. "Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin." Tommy Cooper
4. "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance." Peter Kay
5. "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." John Bishop
6. "We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun." Rowan Atkinson
7. "I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again." Unknown Origin
8. "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." Steve Martin
9. "I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel." Rowan Atkinson
10. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." Tim Vine
11. "20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!" Bill Murray
12. "Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more." - Unknown Origin
13. "Where there's a will - there's a relative!" Ricky Gervais
14. "Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." Benny Hill
15. "Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant." Tommy Cooper
16. "I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy." Tommy Cooper
17. "To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.'' Milton Jones
18. "Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.'' Will Ferrell
19. "I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato." Will Ferrell
20. "Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yea, I thought so..." Unknown Origin
21. "I've lived in Manchester since my 20's and I've only been in three fights -not a bad average." John Bishop
22. "I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail." Unknown Origin
23. "My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet.. I just say it's Narnia business!" Will Ferrell
24. "I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine" Bill Bailey
25. "Bob Geldof...no wonder he's such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don't Like Mondays for thirty years." Russell Brand
26. "What's black and white, black and white, black and white?-A penguin rolling down a hill!" Unknown Origin
27. "Are there any medium rappers? They're always big or lil". Unknown Origin
28. "I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them." Emo Phillips
29. "I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?" Peter Kay
30. "My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought 'I've got the better deal here'...1 Your sister" Michael McIntyre
31. "I'm a post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat - ironically" Bill Bailey
32. "So I said to a Scotsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'" Unknown Origin
33. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any." Tommy Cooper
34. "Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly." Tim Vine
35. "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards" Sarah Millican
36. "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them." Emo Phillips
37. "I hate when I'm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich." Unknown Origin
38. "I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich." Tommy Cooper
39. "What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic!" Unknown Origin
40. "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid." Jack Whitehall
41. "Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?" Unknown Origin
42. "How do you know when you're too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener." Kevin Hart
43. "If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can't you just have some crisps?" Russell Brand
44. "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." Stewart Francis
45. "A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went...and finally, question number 10." Lee Mack
46. "You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts... Man, and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link?" Unknown Origin
47. "Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can't believe it actually worked." Unknown Origin
48. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra. Author unknown."
49. "The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever." Milton Jones
50. "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." Will Marsh
1. "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs." Peter Kay
2. "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper
3. "Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin." Tommy Cooper
4. "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance." Peter Kay
5. "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." John Bishop
6. "We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun." Rowan Atkinson
7. "I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again." Unknown Origin
8. "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." Steve Martin
9. "I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel." Rowan Atkinson
10. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." Tim Vine
11. "20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!" Bill Murray
12. "Why do men get married? So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more." - Unknown Origin
13. "Where there's a will - there's a relative!" Ricky Gervais
14. "Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." Benny Hill
15. "Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant." Tommy Cooper
16. "I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy." Tommy Cooper
17. "To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.'' Milton Jones
18. "Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.'' Will Ferrell
19. "I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato." Will Ferrell
20. "Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yea, I thought so..." Unknown Origin
21. "I've lived in Manchester since my 20's and I've only been in three fights -not a bad average." John Bishop
22. "I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail." Unknown Origin
23. "My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet.. I just say it's Narnia business!" Will Ferrell
24. "I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine" Bill Bailey
25. "Bob Geldof...no wonder he's such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don't Like Mondays for thirty years." Russell Brand
26. "What's black and white, black and white, black and white?-A penguin rolling down a hill!" Unknown Origin
27. "Are there any medium rappers? They're always big or lil". Unknown Origin
28. "I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them." Emo Phillips
29. "I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?" Peter Kay
30. "My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought 'I've got the better deal here'...1 Your sister" Michael McIntyre
31. "I'm a post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat - ironically" Bill Bailey
32. "So I said to a Scotsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'" Unknown Origin
33. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any." Tommy Cooper
34. "Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly." Tim Vine
35. "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards" Sarah Millican
36. "I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them." Emo Phillips
37. "I hate when I'm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich." Unknown Origin
38. "I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich." Tommy Cooper
39. "What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic!" Unknown Origin
40. "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid." Jack Whitehall
41. "Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?" Unknown Origin
42. "How do you know when you're too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener." Kevin Hart
43. "If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can't you just have some crisps?" Russell Brand
44. "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." Stewart Francis
45. "A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on', she said 'question number 1, have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went...and finally, question number 10." Lee Mack
46. "You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts... Man, and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link?" Unknown Origin
47. "Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can't believe it actually worked." Unknown Origin
48. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra. Author unknown."
49. "The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever." Milton Jones
50. "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." Will Marsh
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Replies
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Thats the last time i order Carp from a Dyslexic waiter!0
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"What's so bad about traveling in hyperspace?"
"Well, it's a little like being drunk?"
"What's wrong with being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water...."
"Oh god! I'll never be cruel to a gin and tonic again!" --Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy0 -
That's a lot of jokes to go through to make sure we don't repeat:
My mother used to take me to the circus to see the clowns, she felt it important learned to laugh at ginger people from an early age (Gary Delaney - one of the less controversial ones)
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexic Association
My parents are mixed race, my mum likes the 200m my dad's egyptian - Stuart Francis
I saw this sign saying hairdressing for men, I walked in and there was a rabbit trying on clothes and a load of blokes saying "yeah very nice" - Tim Vine
When i was 5 the school teacher asked if i wanted to take the class guinea pig home, 7 months later i arrived in the African Republic of Guinea - Milton Jones
I grew up in Australia but I struggled with the lifestyle, it's a culture based on two things Sports and Racism, and I wasn't any good at either of them. I didn't know what to kick - Steve Hughes0 -
A priest, a rabbi and a minister walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "Wait a minute ... I've heard this one."
A masochist walks up to a sadist in a bar, says to the sadist “hurt me.” The sadist said “no.”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right. The statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!"
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't.0 -
No more jokes?0
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I adore Tommy Cooper,0
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"Two lights met out in the ocean. One light radios to the other: Move 15 degrees left. The other light radios back: Move 15 degrees right. The first light radios: Move your vessel 15 degrees left! The other light radios back: Move your vessel 15 degrees right! The first light radios: I'm the commander in the US Navy! Move your vessel 15 degrees left! The other light radios: I'm a civilian paid hourly, move your vessel 15 degrees right! The first light radios: I'm on an aircraft carrier! MOVE YOUR VESSEL 15 DEGREES LEFT! The second light: I'm a lighthouse, your call." --- Read in a Reader's Digest like, 10 years ago.0
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Tim Vine one liners:
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
You've got to be careful with Alphabet grenades, i you drop one, it could spell disaster!
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
Velcro? What a rip-off!0 -
My sex life0
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Why'd the pigeon cross the road?
To have sex with the chicken.0 -
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for another year.0 -
What does a gay horse eat?
Hayyyyyy!0 -
What do you call a smart blonde?????
A golden retriever!!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Bob Monkhouse:
My friends laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. Their not laughing now....0 -
“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”
Jack Handy0 -
The bartender says: "Hey we don't serve sub-atomic particles that travel backwards through time here!"
Two sub-atomic particles that travel backwards through time walk into a bar.......0 -
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here!"
Q: How does Lady Gaga like her steak?
A: Ra ra ra ahah...0 -
Two birds are sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says,
"Do you smell fish?"0 -
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patio furniture0 -
This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a turkey on her upper right thigh.
She goes back to the same tattoo parlor two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on her upper left thigh.
Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.
She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.0
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