Can you be friends with a friend's ex?

Sassyallday
Sassyallday Posts: 136 Member
in Chit-Chat
After a couple of experiences gone awry, I am thinking not!

First scenario: My friend broke up with someone he'd been with for years. A couple of years later, I ran into the ex and we started hanging out. I didn't keep it a secret. But it took me a while to realize my friend was jealous if I had heard from his ex or seen the ex more recently. Because my friend had expressed no interest in reconnecting with his ex, I didn't expect that! I put off questions about the ex and encouraged my friend to make direct contact if he felt inclined.

Second scenario: My friend started dating someone during a separation from his wife. She was a breath of fresh air! He went back to his wife. I am still friends with his "separation girlfriend". Now, he asks me to give her messages and give him info about her. I refuse.

I guess no break up is clean and being friends with both means stepping in break up mess. :(.

Anyone had a similar experience?
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Replies

  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    Can't be friends with a friend's ex. It's a violation of friend law. But you sure can splay em and lay em.
  • mikeykhan2003
    mikeykhan2003 Posts: 177
    Negative.

    Edit: You technically can if they're still friends, or if you choose the ex over your friend, but in general it's only heartache.
  • Inshape13
    Inshape13 Posts: 680 Member
    Not if you want to keep your friend.
  • iamanadult
    iamanadult Posts: 709 Member
    Yes, if your friend is an adult.
  • _noob_
    _noob_ Posts: 3,306 Member
    how about FB's?
  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
    Never been friends with one of my friend's exes... however, I was the ex that was asked to no longer be friends with someone because of a new girlfriend. Was dating a guy named Paul. We were best buds and started dating... we broke up because he didn't want to be a father to my son who has special needs (douchey, but that was his call). We talked about still being friends and continued to do so, especially to work out together. His new g/f, now his new wife, came unglued that he would meet me at the park to walk with me for training for my first 5k ever. I needed the help and encouragement, he offered. It was nothing flirty or sexual. Just 'hi' walk-walk-walk-high five 'bye'. Anyway, the new g/f asked him to not be friends with me anymore and he complied. She never met me nor would she have if he ever relayed my invitation to meet her and hang out. I was perfectly fine with whomever he chose to date and would have loved to have been friends with them both. I found out through someone stirring the *kitten* on Facebook that they recently got married and he wore the tie that I bought him for Valentine's Day while we were dating. I found that kind of funny because no way in heck she knew that!!!
  • her4g63
    her4g63 Posts: 284 Member
    If I was friends with them both, I'm going to remain friends with them both. If one party isn't mature enough to understand that I'm not taking sides, then that's a friendship I will be inclined to walk away from. I have PLENTY of friends that have dated other friends (for both short and long periods of time) and I have remained close with both (there has certainly been times where I've had to refuse to give information and remind them that I'm not a messenger nor am I going to "give information" about the other but thankfully they understand).
  • My0WNinspiration
    My0WNinspiration Posts: 1,146 Member
    No
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Yes, if your friend is an adult.

    this
  • Greenrun99
    Greenrun99 Posts: 2,065 Member
    Dangerous Ground... best left avoided.
  • bcampbell54
    bcampbell54 Posts: 932 Member
    Can you? Yes.
    Should you? Aw hels to the no.
  • Melissa22G
    Melissa22G Posts: 847 Member
    Yep, there's no law against it.

    Should you? Hellz to the naw! :noway:
  • wjstoj
    wjstoj Posts: 884 Member
    short answer - no

    long answer - noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
  • paygep
    paygep Posts: 401 Member
    Not without DRAMA!
  • kittenful
    kittenful Posts: 318 Member
    If I was friends with them both, I'm going to remain friends with them both. If one party isn't mature enough to understand that I'm not taking sides, then that's a friendship I will be inclined to walk away from. I have PLENTY of friends that have dated other friends (for both short and long periods of time) and I have remained close with both (there has certainly been times where I've had to refuse to give information and remind them that I'm not a messenger nor am I going to "give information" about the other but thankfully they understand).

    This. Exactly this. To expect me to end a friendship is ridiculous. What I do with my life and who I spend my time with is nobody's business but my own. I will happily spend time with each friend separately, if need be, but I'm a big girl. I will choose my own friends.
  • Sassyallday
    Sassyallday Posts: 136 Member
    You technically can if they're still friends, or if you choose the ex over your friend, but in general it's only heartache.

    In the first scenario, I thought they were friends! Later, I saw the undercurrent, from my friend, of longing to reunite. Not everyone is honest about where their feelings are after the breakup.
  • 43932452
    43932452 Posts: 7,246 Member
    I've yet to be successful at this. My guess is generally 'no'.
  • Fitfully_me
    Fitfully_me Posts: 647 Member
    After a couple of experiences gone awry, I am thinking not!

    First scenario: My friend broke up with someone he'd been with for years. A couple of years later, I ran into the ex and we started hanging out. I didn't keep it a secret. But it took me a while to realize my friend was jealous if I had heard from his ex or seen the ex more recently. Because my friend had expressed no interest in reconnecting with his ex, I didn't expect that! I put off questions about the ex and encouraged my friend to make direct contact if he felt inclined.

    Second scenario: My friend started dating someone during a separation from his wife. She was a breath of fresh air! He went back to his wife. I am still friends with his "separation girlfriend". Now, he asks me to give her messages and give him info about her. I refuse.

    I guess no break up is clean and being friends with both means stepping in break up mess. :(.

    Anyone had a similar experience?

    To answer the topic: Can you be friends with a friend's ex? If you have a legitimate 'friendship' with someone, then they're your friend regardless of how that friendship came to be. So I'd say its acceptable to still be friends even if that relationship fails.
  • Mainebikerchick
    Mainebikerchick Posts: 1,573 Member
    Can't be friends with a friend's ex. It's a violation of friend law. But you sure can splay em and lay em.

    How YOU doin"??? :bigsmile:
  • AbstractAsterism
    AbstractAsterism Posts: 153 Member
    I'm going to say maybe sometimes.

    My story: I had a boyfriend of 2 years and it didn't end well. I met a friend of his a year and a half later, and that friend is now my husband. My ex was kind of a jerk about it. He even went so far as to tell the world that my then fiance was cheating on me and only proposed to me because the girl he asked on Thanksgiving (we were an item but he was with his folks and I was with mine) said no, so I got the ring instead. Neat trick considering I was on the phone with him when he bought the ring. The January after. And the night he supposedly did this my fiance was at his folks' house all night, his mom even backed him up.

    However, I know lots of people in my circle of friends who well, there's a lot of dating amongst them and almost all of them stayed friends after with little to no hard feelings amongst the lot.

    So I guess if people are mature about it then yeah, friends all around.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I can be friends with whomever I want, and if you don't like it, here's the door....

    crypt_door.gif
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
    depends on who i am closer to, based on this question-i am guessing my friend and not his/her ex. I would continue being friends with their ex if my friend would be ok with it, if not-then no.
    But i am pretty transparent and will let both the parties know whatever happens!
  • capnrus789
    capnrus789 Posts: 2,736 Member
    Can't be friends with a friend's ex. It's a violation of friend law. But you sure can splay em and lay em.

    Been there, done that, laughed about it over beers with my friend.
  • HealthWoke0ish
    HealthWoke0ish Posts: 2,078 Member
    Possible. Situation dependent. I'd probably shy away from it.
  • IPAkiller
    IPAkiller Posts: 711 Member
    How can you be the "Ex's" friend if you can't keep things in confidence? How can you remain a real friend if you're hiding things from them? It's a catch 22 and a situation best avoided IMO. FYI, if I find my friends are palling around with my Ex... they can have her, just don't extect to be hanging around me. (Snitches talking to *****es get Stitches, LOL)
  • lilacinfinity
    lilacinfinity Posts: 283 Member
    If I was friends with them both, I'm going to remain friends with them both. If one party isn't mature enough to understand that I'm not taking sides, then that's a friendship I will be inclined to walk away from.

    This.
    I don't want friends who are going to be that pathetic and controlling.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    If I was friends with them both, I'm going to remain friends with them both. If one party isn't mature enough to understand that I'm not taking sides, then that's a friendship I will be inclined to walk away from. I have PLENTY of friends that have dated other friends (for both short and long periods of time) and I have remained close with both (there has certainly been times where I've had to refuse to give information and remind them that I'm not a messenger nor am I going to "give information" about the other but thankfully they understand).

    This covers my experience nicely.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I find this works well only if you're just friendly acquaintances with both, and/or the split is long in the past.

    One of my closest friends "Jen" dated "Mike" on & off throughout the 90's until around 2000 when they got married and had a baby together. Mike and Jen had a pretty nasty split in 2004, and if I'd stayed friendly with Mike it would have really bothered Jen.

    Years went by. Mike & Jen actually reunited for awhile, then split up again. Mike continued being an awesome, hands-on dad to their kid. Jen and Mike both had new relationships, life went on...by 2011 I was friends with Mike on facebook and now he's met my fiancé and we sometimes hang out with Mike and his daughter, and/or his new girlfriend. I'm still way closer to Jen. But Mike is absolutely my friend too.
  • Junken_Diraffe
    Junken_Diraffe Posts: 716 Member
    I'm friends with both parts of a couple that is no longer married. They both know I'm friends with the other. They respect that I haven't chosen sides. I'm the ONLY one of our friend that is still on good terms with both of them. Neither of them talk or ask about the other and all is well. If people act like adults, it's definitely a possibility.
  • acpgee
    acpgee Posts: 8,016 Member
    I'm friends with my hubby's ex. But they are still friends as well. Hell, she are her hubby stayed over at our place for 5 days in spring. We even went to stay at her mom's country house in Provence for a couple of days during the summer.

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