JACKIE CHAN DEAD!

So I keep seeing this claim that Jackie Chan is dead. Me thinks that might be a hoax... But a big hoax needs a big back story and we all know Jackie wouldn't let us believe it was just a selfish ploy for attention. *SHOOooooooooP* (takes in huge breath): This was all in order for the still alive Jackie Chan to sneak up behind you and beat you up with a giant ladder and escape on a kitten-powered vacuum cleaner through a 10" window, dragging your corpse with him so that after you death, Jackie can fake your "suicide by awesomeness" by propping you up in a chair and putting his movie stunt out takes on a DVD loop in-turn saving his uncle from the PreCrime unit that he found out was on his way to intercept his uncle and arrest him for the crime of killing you because of described future events written on a note Tom Cruise dropped on the floor of his uncles China Bell restaurant where Jackie was cooking, which was left in good faith for the day to Jackie Chan all because his uncle wanted a date with a nice young girl from the Jiangxi province who was actually a spy next door helping ninjas kidnap the President! *gasps* Tom Cruise played by Ben Stiller... coming this summer... JACKIE'S BACK in... Tuxedo Armour Project of the Nice Drunken Karate Kid Master Spy Panda Hour 3!!!