Afraid of being thin: the other side of weight loss (wordy!)

This came at the perfect time because I am sitting here fighting this battle right this moment. I went through rape and an abusive relationship and thought I would be fine when I lost the weight, but all it has done is making me overly fearful that something could happen again. I was just fine being that fat wall flower that everyone ignored that dressed all homely. It is crazy to me to be this afraid because, but it is subconsciously always there in the back of my mind. Like a love hate relationship.....I want to love being healthy, but I hate the attention that it brings.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

To me, it is a matter of letting other people define us. When we're overweight, we let that perception of us become part of our identity. When we're objectified, we internalize that too. That's not cool.

It doesn't matter what you look like, fat, thin, peg leg, whatever. That's not who you are. Who you are comes from no one but you. Don't give other people that power.

That's how I feel anyway.

Very wise words. Easier said than done, unfortunately.

I agree with the first quoted poster. Sometimes it takes sitting down with a professional (therapist, someone with your church, etc) when you've dealt with trauma like sexual assault, which I'm sure greatly plays into all of these feelings. It's common for people to say they feel safer when they're overweight because they tend to blend in with society. When they're thin and feel more attractive, they stand out and they don't always know how to deal with the attention.

Maybe have a session with a professional and see how and where your self esteem ties into all these issues. Hugs and best of luck.

Can't help you there. Both thin and fat I am not traditionally attractive. No matter how good my body looks my face ensures I will not be constantly hit on. Maybe you could look on your natural beauty as a good thing.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

To me, it is a matter of letting other people define us. When we're overweight, we let that perception of us become part of our identity. When we're objectified, we internalize that too. That's not cool.

It doesn't matter what you look like, fat, thin, peg leg, whatever. That's not who you are. Who you are comes from no one but you. Don't give other people that power.

That's how I feel anyway.

Yes, I agree. It would be nice if value wasn't determined by beauty, but it is.

Since I'm 55 now I'm not so worried about men thinking I'm smoking hot or sexy even when I do get to my goal weight. It used to be in my teens and 20's, "Hello, my EYES are up here!"

This is gonna be a long reply and I hope someone will relate:

I wanted to lose weight because I was afraid my boyfriend of two years (who is constantly getting compliments on his model-esque physique) was gonna dump me for someone hotter. That was the crazy, insecure, shallow (which I didn't realize at the time) girl 6 months ago. 6 months doesn't seem like a long time, but considering who I have been my entire life I have made DRASTIC changes in my mentality towards my body and myself as a person.

Growing up I watched my mother suffer from low self-esteem and insecurities. Yo-yo dieting, buying expensive work out equipment, constantly changing her clothes, her hair style, ALWAYS putting on make up. She was never satisfied, never happy with what she had. I always thought my mom was the most beautiful woman and people always complimented her (she's a musician as well with a banging voice). She always brushed off the compliments and seemed embarrassed by them.

Unfortunately I inherited her habits. I was always the funny, dorky, bigger girl with all he hot guy friends who slept with the dumb, hot chicks. I constantly compared myself to them and asked why not me? I was never satisfied with my hair, make up, clothes, every inch of my body was disgusting. Any male who gave me attention I thought was pathetic because how could anyone like me?

Until I met my bf. He was gorgeous and funny and charming and all the girls wanted him yada yada yada. I had NO IDEA why he wanted anything to do with me. Unfortunately for the better part of our relationship I let my insecurities dictate my emotions and ended up really hurting him. I was jealous and would "emotionally" cheat to make myself feel better. I needed reassurance that I was good enough for him and his words just went in one ear and out the other. It's rather embarrassing.

About 2 years in we moved across the country together and I gained a decent amount of weight from depression and not being active. I felt disgusting and ugly and my unhappiness made our relationship worse. I was afraid he would leave me. He didn't understand, but he tried his best to make me feel good. One day I got a bug up my *kitten* and kicked off this whole healthy eating and work out thing, JUST because I wanted to look "hot" for him (i didnt tell him that part). He encouraged me because he saw it was making me happy.

After awhile I started embracing the feeling of being strong and focused less on trying to be "skinny" and hot. Nowadays I'm usually in work out clothes, sweaty, with no make up. I love working out and eating well because the way it makes me feel, not how I look to other people. When I get hit on by guys, normally I would be disgusted and it would bother me, but now I laugh it off and go on with my day.

One day he felt my hip bone and said how skinny I was. I said "don't you want me to be skinny?" and He told me he liked me anyway I am. He liked me before and now. It was like someone just punched me in the face. I realized how many times in the past 3 years he had complimented me, embraced me, and NEVER ONCE put me down or called me ugly or fat. Why did I think for so long I wasn't good enough? Well now I've realized that I am good enough for anyone, and not because of how I look. My happiness is now the most attractive thing about me. I wish I would have realized that a long time ago.

PS: This is a great story that helped me:
http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2013-06-when-your-mother-says-shes-fat

Can't help you there. Both thin and fat I am not traditionally attractive. No matter how good my body looks my face ensures I will not be constantly hit on. Maybe you could look on your natural beauty as a good thing.

I'm sure you have a great personality though. I think anyone can be attractive with just that alone. You can always get a new hair do and some cute clothes and a little makeup to spice up your look though. Trust me there is someone out there who will find you attractive, you just haven't met them yet.

I've felt this way as well. My personal method of coping is to work on keeping my body as strong as I can, take some self defense classes, etc. On one hand, it makes me angry - I shouldn't have to worry about defending myself or avoiding aggressive unwanted male attention just because I'm thinner, but I guess I do. But the more I feel prepared physically to handle the situation, the easier it is to be comfortable in my smaller body.

From a man's perspective who takes self defense seriously, I fully agree with the quote above. I have found that aggression is not something that many women take to. If you do not think of yourself as aggressive, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE AGGRESSIVE and tell people to back the F up if they are making you uncomfortable.

Being thinner, lighter, stronger is something that I see as a self preservation goal - it will (hopefully) help me live longer. And should I need strength to protect my first Right (to continue living), hopefully I will have enough.

I also agree with the suggestions on talking with a good counselor on the wide variety of issues that this brings up (self image type issues, as well as finding ways to deal with the unwanted attention - from polite to aggressive options, depending on the situation).

What ever solutions you find, they will be hard, but very worth the effort.

Robert

I've struggled with weight my whole life. When I was younger (highschool) the guys I liked never even looked in my direction. I once overheard a few guys (one was my crush) talking about me and a few other girls. The comment made about me was I might be "okay" if I lost 50lbs. I was devastated. I finally got a boyfriend and after a few years of dating and being in an unhealthy relationship I gained alot of weight. I was a size 28 (plus size). He broke up with me telling me I was fat and he was no longer attracted to me and no one would be. Again I was devastated. I lost 50lbs and got down to a size 18 within a year. I was happy but lacked self esteem. Fast forward 10 years. I was back up to a size 26 before it hit me that I needed to change. I'm now down to a size 18 but still lacking the confidence and self esteem in myself. This might be the reason my weight loss has plateaued. I have been trying to date for a few years and it hasn't been going well. I worry I won't meet anyone until I lose weight but then I worry about a man only wanting me once I lose weight. I have it in my head that I won't be attractive until I lose weight and fear that losing weight won't make me attractive. I've spoke to someone about it but they wanted to focus on my childhood which made me feel like I was on some talk show in the 80's blaming my mother for my problems. I think the key is finding the self confidence in who I am as a person. Staying true to who I am no matter what size I am and loving myself. Easier said than done and it takes a lot of work. But then so does weight loss. So much of this is a mental game. I know I'm a good person. I've never been thin or hot but I hope to find out. I do have fears about how that may change how people view me but most important is how I view myself.

As a pre and very young teen I was skinny as a rail. Mother nature came to visit and I developed into a very well built young woman. That de[rew attention from every mail that saw me. I could not walk to the library without wolf whistles from truckers, and the younger guys thought they could get away with anything. Life was not fun. My family did not know what was happening and just happened to more to another part of town. I did start to gain as I didn't want the kind of attention that I had been getting. It was easy to hid behind the massive weight. I got so used to it that I have trouble letting go of it. As I lose 10 ponds and see a difference in my body I fight the idea to hid it. It is all mental and something I have to get past. With a loving husband this is working