Afraid of being thin: the other side of weight loss (wordy!)

I could write a book about this and I have been aware of an covert attempt within myself to stay heavy. It's easy to be the fun-loving heavy girlfriend whom no one is threatened by. Somehow the weight feels like a protective shield. Back in October of last year my weight was significantly lower. During that time I went to a few social outings and each time I experienced some jealously from friends who also struggle with weight. It seemed they were threatened that maybe I might loose all my weight.

I have worn tired over the years of people contantly telling me that I looked like I gained or lost weight. It's just crazy annoying to me.

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I totally understand where you are coming from. About 6 years ago I lost 65 lbs and for the first time in my life (had been heavy since puberty) men were noticing me. I had wonderful confidence which probably contributed as before I wouldn't even look a man in the eye. However it definitely had not so good consequences. I got involved with a married man at work. I never wouldn't thought that even was possible. I began to hate myself and what I was doing while at the same time loving the attention from him. It was a hard time and I still have extreme guilt because of it. When the affair began so did the self loathing and also the downward spiral into gaining the weight back. Which I did of course. Its so hard to know how to deal with things when im thin that I have no experience dealing with as a fat person. I am now 35 yrs old and back on the track to a healthy weight. I hope and pray that I can deal with the pressure that follows when I get to my goal weight. Since I am older I hope I don't have the same problems I had in my 20s and if I do I hope I have the maturity to deal with them. So you are definitely not alone. How crazy it is to long to be thin and fear it at the same time...what a catch 22!

I can relate to this on a few levels. I have been a yo yo'er for all of my adult life. While I would not call myself hot when I was at a lower weight, I would get male attention and it kind of freaked me out. This is something that worries me as I go on this path yet again. I'm 46 and way past strolling on a beach even in my best form, but it is in the back of my mind. I have a theory that I used food to deal with emotions during some formative years and missed out on developing some skills with dealing with the opposite sex. I have a long term bf who is wonderful and tells me I'm beautiful no matter what weight I am ( I wish I could clone him for all women), so I have no problem there. Its more peripheral relationships, and even strangers, that throw me. I feel very uncomfortable being stared at. At a heavy weight, I'm stared at but for a different reason and just ignore it. Its like I have two different realities, being the fat girl allows me to tune out any negative attention and attribute it to shallow minds, but I don't know what to do with 'positive' attention.

I feel for you ladies. It's sad that you've had to go through what you've gone through.

On the other side, I wish I got half the attention you gals are getting.. I've lost 30 lbs and nobody's giving me a second look haha

I'm in the same boat as you...except I'm a girl. :grumble:

In many ways my life has changed since losing over 50 lbs. Obviously my confidence has increased a whole ton. The biggest change is how much nicer people are to me. Everyone in general is nicer and more forgiving towards me than they used to be. They don't get as angry or annoyed with me as they did before. Everyone, especially men, seems so much more friendly now. It's been a nice change for sure, but at the same time, it makes it even harder for me to trust people.

As for attention from men...I'll admit that I'm jealous of all of you ladies who are getting so much more attention from men than you used to. I'm honestly getting about the same amount of attention, maybe 1-2 men will show some kind of interest in me PER YEAR, that I got when I was a size 14/16...and I'm a 4/6 now. (Am I THAT ugly? Sheesh!)

So I can relate in the sense of adjusting to people treating you differently, OP. But I can't really relate with the hordes of men chasing you down because they're crazy-in-love with you part. My advice: appreciate and be thankful for the fact that you have a lot of options for dates right now, because not every young woman does and this stage of your life won't last forever anyway. :flowerforyou:

Yes yes yes! I have lost one hundred pounds 3x.

ok so I haven't read all the comments yet as I'm at work and my lunch break is nearly over, but I had to share that I have somewhat of a similar fear....

Back when I was married to my now ex-husband, as I gained weight and even after I had our son, he cheated on me. He would make me feel bad and put me down about the way I looked, then say no one would want me, then tell me he's sorry while offering me a box of chocolates... so needless to say, by the time I finally left him, I was at my then heaviest and a new mother of a 1 yr old son and a shell of the person I was, no longer as outgoing and definitely super shy and obviously aware of my weight.

Then after a year I started working on weight loss and man can the dating world be BRUTAL! Men actually said I wasn't skinny enough, so I worked harder to lose weight, then when I was skinny enough, it was men who wanted to get it on and didn't want to get to know me.. etc.

Then fast forward 10 yrs later, I met a great guy and we are now engaged. When I met him, I was actually heavier than I am now by about 10-15 lbs. After meeting him and we were friends first, then started dating. I was the first person he dated after his recent divorce so he was all kinds of scared of our relationship which lead to a couple of breakups in the first year after we started dating. I also put on a few pounds during this time (a few being 10-15). Then, during oneof the breakups, his friend (now he doesn't even talk to him, long story) convinced him that he needs to have sex with other women before he can know for sure if I'm just a rebound or the real thing. (this friend is a female friend who I considered my friend and I found out wanted to get together with him because he is a good guy, hard working, great to his kids, etc...) so anyway, her plan backfired because he did end up shortly dating someone, it just wasn't her (ha!) anyway, after a few weeks of dating her he started asking my friends how I'm doing and telling one of them that he missed me and missed what we had and through a tragedy in his life I asked how he's doing and checked on him, and through that he realized I am the real thing and asked me to come back to him. After a while of wanting him to be sure this time, we got back together.

I found out after we got back out together who he dated, and she was thin and pretty, while I was even more overweight than when we met and very self-conscious. So self-conscious that it affected him hugging me, etc.

Anyway, so now fast forward 2 yrs later, he and I are now engaged, happy, and talking about what kind of wedding we want. He has been a great supporter of my journey to get healthy, constantly telling me about how proud he is and making me take progress pics when I feel down and showing me how much progress I've made, etc. He has been supportive... but I also worry about how he will feel when I get to goal weight! See, now that I'm losing, things are getting weird, like I've been so overweight for so long after having a kid that my belly has stretch marks that I got even after I was pregnant, and now that I'm starting to lose weight, my belly button is starting to look like a vagina because its got loose skin right around the belly button (lol) its not that bad but I joke that I have a vajay-jay belly button. I'm gettnig flabby arms and my belly where my skin has hung over after having a baby and then staying overweight, is starting to be a lot more skin...my breasts are getting smaller... so I honestly am afraid of getting thin because of the extra skin, AND.... now this may be weird to some, but my fiance admits that he's always been attracted to women with weight on them... so I want to reach a healthy weight, not just smaller than I am but a healthy weight... and I am scared of whether or not he will still be physically attracted to me when I don't have my size D breasts (that have already gone down from a DD) or my bootay that he likes will it then be too small when I reach goal? He loves my butt right now (thank you squats and lunges!!) because it was before kinda flat, and now its higher and rounder, but its still big, lol.

So, that is where my fear of being thin comes in. I will never wear a bikini again, and Im starting to be ok with that, and I'm pretty sure I won't have guys begging for my number when I have a ring on my finger, lol.....BUT.... I am afraid that going for my ultimate goal weight that I may be too thin for my fiance to still be attracted to me. I would never be bone thin, but I've seen his ex-girlfriends, and aside from the one skinny blond he dated when we broke up for a short while a few years back, all his other ex's have had some meat on their bones.. less meat than I have now, but more than my goal weight. But I don't want to stay at an unhealthy weight just to keep him attracted to me. Honestly, I have even brought it up to him, and he says I'm being silly and he would rather have me be healthy and thin than unhappy, unhealthy and overweight, because he fell in love with who I am, not just what I look like. He said he noticed my smile and how nice I am to his kids (volunteered at the school, his kids are twins and are same grade as my son) before he was physically attracted to me, and even at my unhealthiest and how big I got, he still asked me to marry him, so he says how could he possibly love me less just because there is less of me to hold on to, when he still has the girl who treats his kids great and loves him for him and makes him feel like the king of the world. So, I know its unfounded...but that fear is still there in the back of my head, that my goal weight will be too small for the man who likes girls with meat on their bones.... silly I know...

Sorry, had to share as this post did touch me, but in a different way of having the fear.

:sad: i just wanna hug all you guys... *squish*

learn to love your bodies what ever their size or shape, life is too short.
who you are is whats important :flowerforyou:
confidence is the sexiest thing anyone can wear, man or woman

I feel for you ladies. It's sad that you've had to go through what you've gone through.

On the other side, I wish I got half the attention you gals are getting.. I've lost 30 lbs and nobody's giving me a second look haha

I'm in the same boat as you...except I'm a girl. :grumble:

In many ways my life has changed since losing over 50 lbs. Obviously my confidence has increased a whole ton. The biggest change is how much nicer people are to me. Everyone in general is nicer and more forgiving towards me than they used to be. They don't get as angry or annoyed with me as they did before. Everyone, especially men, seems so much more friendly now. It's been a nice change for sure, but at the same time, it makes it even harder for me to trust people.

As for attention from men...I'll admit that I'm jealous of all of you ladies who are getting so much more attention from men than you used to. I'm honestly getting about the same amount of attention, maybe 1-2 men will show some kind of interest in me PER YEAR, that I got when I was a size 14/16...and I'm a 4/6 now. (Am I THAT ugly? Sheesh!)

So I can relate in the sense of adjusting to people treating you differently, OP. But I can't really relate with the hordes of men chasing you down because they're crazy-in-love with you part. My advice: appreciate and be thankful for the fact that you have a lot of options for dates right now, because not every young woman does and this stage of your life won't last forever anyway. :flowerforyou:

Yeah can't say I understand this "hordes of men chasing me" and I've been slim all my life (apart from a brief spell a few years ago). Must be either a dog or really scary. Well...like the profile pic :laugh:
On the flip side to all these comments; after losing 35lb three years ago I didn't notice any increase in male or other attention. In fact if I'm honest it's part of why I derailed somewhat in summer as I felt "if I'm never going to be attractive anyway who cares whether or not I have a completely flat stomach?"
Still working on appreciating myself for who I am not what the mirror says.

Aww, don't think that way! Focus on loving your body because YOU think it's awesome! That's what I've been trying to do. I love the new things that my body can do, like run and lift weights. I love how much stronger my core is getting every month. I love how my legs are just starting to get some shape and definition. I'm slowly, VERY slowly, learning to love my new reflection in the mirror for ME and not because people like or don't like it. :flowerforyou:

Very sweet of you! By the way you look absolutely stunning in your profile pic :flowerforyou: