SAD after success

It's been about a month since I hit my original goal and lost 61lbs. Even before I got here, I knew I'd need to go lose at least 10 pounds to truly be healthy and happy with my size, but I took it day by day and just focused on the fact that I was looking and feeling "better", even if I wasn't perfect. Just knowing I'd be "better" was enough for me... I'd given up any dreams of rockin a bikini a looooong time ago. Well, somewhere between hitting that goal and now, "better" quit being enough... maybe I do want to step outside in a bikini and feel good about it? The problem is, weight loss just won't be enough. Even if I knock off 15-20 more pounds, I am going to need a good tummy tuck to fix what poor elasticity and being overweight 12+ years (with three pregnancies mixed in) has done to my stomach. Lots of people on here have this issue, I'm sure. I'm just stuck on being very bitter and upset about it right now and I don't know how to get past it. It's been weeks since reality hit me and just the thought of it all makes me cry. Driving to work, waiting in line, thinking about being intimate with my husband... TEARS all over the place. For one thing, that is a serious surgery. Serious scar, serious recovery time and serious money! Even if I somehow get past my fear of the first two, money is going to be a deal breaker. I can't justify spending that much on a vanity issue when we have three young kids to support. It would be irresponsible and so selfish.

The great thing is, I know I'm not alone.?!? Please, can anyone else admit to having had these feelings and could you let me know there is life after them? This won't derail me, I'm not going to give up and gain weight. I know it's vain and a shallow thing to be so upset over and I am NOT a vain person. I just got so focused and driven to get here and now I feel like the breaks have been put on and reality is b!tch slapping me saying, "Girl, you did this to yourself! Lay in that bed you made, and cover yourself up with that nice skin blanket you got hanging off your belly!"


  • Dch2272
    Dch2272 Posts: 93 Member
    You are not alone. I decided that having three beautiful and healthy children was more important that what my stomach looked like. And you can still wear a bikini, just choose one that is flattering and covers the areas you don't want to show off. A few years ago, I lost 70 pounds and was smaller than I've ever been in my adult life. However, that "mommy roll" as I named it, complete with wrinkly skin was still there. Now that I'm fighting to lose that weight again, I am doing it in a healthy way and loving the improvements that I'm seeing in my body. No, my body will never be perfect, but I'm ok with that. I'm just thrilled at how much better I feel!

    You have done wonderfully and you should be proud of yourself and your accomplishments!
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
    I was going to post a bunch of super cute bikini pictures...but just go here...the high waist retro glam bathing suites are way more attractive then the butt floss ;)

    In fact, those ones are the ones I'm going to wear, when I hit my goal weight :) cheer up, you're hot!!
  • mrspinky85
    mrspinky85 Posts: 79 Member
    I rock a one piece and I am no where near my weight loss goals. I wear what i want and other people can suck it. And I don't mean that I have my stretch marks or big belly showing. I dress conservative and nice but if people want more then oh well.

    Girl, I want to just congratulate you on your weight loss. I would love that kind of weight loss for my health. You have accomplished a lot and you can probably wear tons of other things that might have been different or difficult before. Don't knock yourself down. You can wear a bikini the way you are if you can deal with the fact that other people might not like it. But I say, F them. You had three kids for crying out loud. I look like I had three and I only had one.

    Do you girl and go celebrate your success! Please don't let this one thing bring you down!
  • catfive1
    catfive1 Posts: 529 Member
    In 2011 when I started my original weight loss I was 210 lbs. I'm now at 152 lbs (58 lbs down). What I hated most was my flabby grandma arms. So I started weight training. Mostly lighter weights starting February of this year and then heavy weights this past summer. My flabby arms are almost gone, my legs are toned and my belly is shrinking.

    There are some groups on MFP for women doing weight training (Stronglifts 5x5, New Rules for Lifting). It's working to get rid of my flabbyness. Might be worth a try.
  • I have the same issue, I was just happy to hit a certain goal weight (mainly because I NEVER thought I would get there) and then I did and realized I wanted more, way more. I can lose more weight and still be a healthy weight but my body will never be what it was and I will carry the scars and body damage of being overweight for probably 20 years out of my 29 on this planet for the rest of my life. My tiger stripes were not earned with babies or hard work, but out of poor diet. I am envious of those girls who can wear bikinis and midriff tops after losing weight. The closest I'll get is shorts and a tank top. And it makes me angry, that I have worked as hard as I have to lose the weight and I don't get everything I wanted. But in the end, I'd much rather have my lose skin and silver lines tracing my body than the health,mental, and emotional problems my old weight was causing. So my health is my pay off. Not my bikini body.
  • aelphabawest
    aelphabawest Posts: 173 Member
    Have you seen the cute vintage style bikinis? I have a hot red one. It's high waisted and flattering and would probably work for what you've described, body wise. (I wear it comfortably as a size 10/12 person with most of my weight in my stomach.)
  • Katacheese
    Katacheese Posts: 112 Member
    I feel your pain, girlfriend. I too have enough loose skin to make a balloon, but I am concentrating on the fact that I am much healthier and living in Vermont, I would only wear a bikini for a few weeks out of the year. Personally, I'm going to wear one no matter what I look like next year. It might be just in my back yard.
    Don't give up. Maybe money is an obstacle right now. Goodness knows it is for me, but it might not always be.
    Hang in ther!
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    sometimes we need those reminders of where we were to not go back there. try to find pride in what u have done! the joy of pregnancy and amazing kiddos way outweighs the flabby tummy issues i have. its hard to remember sometimes but try to concentrate on the positive side. weight training helped me a lot. starting to see some upper abs again! weight training really helps to tighten things up way more than u think it would. try it! i think also when i look amazing in a new dress or outfit or my *kitten* looks great in a pair of jeans it helps me. focus on the body parts that u can highlite and try to forget the rest
  • joyfuljoy65
    joyfuljoy65 Posts: 317 Member
    I also dislike the effects of a 65lb weight loss on my stomach area after 20 years of obeseness and 3 pregnancies - my 'baby bag' will probably never go and I am also struggling with it. But I have to remember how much I hated having a 42 inch waist; how much i hated the three rolls of fat when I sat down and how much I wanted to be slimmer. Yes I have a bit of a saggy stomach - but I have a 30 inch waist, and the rolls have gone down to just a little one that I know will always be there as I have some shape to me!

    Don't forget where you were - it is so easy to do when you have been on this journey for a long time - I need to put on the one pair of size 20 trousers I saved every now and then just to prove to myself how much I have changed.

    Congrats on your weight loss - and I bet your knees love you so much more now too :)
  • Lili0817
    Lili0817 Posts: 109 Member
    I know what you mean! Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Are you lifting weights?? Building muscle?? They say only muscle looks good naked. Perhaps you should make some new goals that include building some muscle/strength and I'm sure your body will be looking HOT :) I've seen plenty of pictures here of women whose body was really transformed once they starting lifting heavy weights.
  • Shari325
    Shari325 Posts: 196 Member
    I have a lot more weight to lose. I also have a large hernia that must be repaired. In doing so, I will have some of the excess skin removed. But, that won't help the saggy thighs or flying squirrel arm flaps I have.

    Some times I need to remind myself just how far I have come, and stop looking at how far I have to go, or even wondering if I will ever reach some (possibly) unattainable goal.

    I am doing strength training to fill out some of the sagging skin with muscles. Even though I may never wear a bikini, short shorts, or a sleeveless top, I know I look WAY better now then I did before.

    You have accomplished much! Pregnancy is hard on our bodies. Whether you gained any weight or not, chance are you would never look the same in a bikini. As a previous poster stated, knowing you have three beautiful children is a greater accomplishment than whether or not you can ever wear a bikini again. Take pride in what you have accomplished, and know that you are healthier now than you were before you lost weight. You are increasing the odds that you will some day see your grandchildren graduate from high school and get married.

    You are stronger and healthier than you think you are!! Congratulations!
  • jessizona80
    jessizona80 Posts: 108 Member
    Thank you everyone for the kind reminders and advice! It really means a lot.

    For me, I have a short waist and feel like the high waisted stuff will do me no favors, but I'm sure there is a middle ground?

    About weight lifting, I'm not currently doing it. I need to get back into it, I need to make it a priority. I don't think it will be enough, but better than nothing, right?
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    yes weight lifting helps more than you think! ck this out,
  • I agree, weight training can help. I'm not sure what you are doing exercise-wise already, but consider a yoga or Pilates class too. Those are really great for toning muscle.

    And you know what? Maybe for you to be happy with your stuff, you will need to go have some skin removed, don't feel any shame about wanting that. It's perfectly natural to want to look as great as you now feel. You did all this hard work, DAMN SKIPPY you want to show it off. It's natural to want that, you aren't selfish, vain or a freak.

    You're a human being who made a massive change in her life and you are proud of what you accomplished and want the world to know it.

    So my advice is spend a good chunk of time with some muscle toning and weights, give that about 6 months or so and track your results with a tape measure ( the scale won't help you here, because of building muscle)

    If you aren't seeing any results at all in six months, talk to your doctor about getting the skin removed. And REALLY talk to her, discuss options, discuss risks, talk about the cost and whether or not it can be covered in part by any insurance... ask her questions until you are blue in the face, and feel comfortable that you understand everything involved.

    You may find an in depth conversation can help you get a grip on your fears about it, and you also may find it's not as horrifyingly expensive as you feared, or that some of it may in fact be covered under your insurance.

    Have these discussions with your GP first off and anything she can't help you with ask her if she knows of a surgeon personally that she would recommend that you can at least have an in depth consult with. (Going through your GP first will be less likely to result in a high pressure sales pitch from a McSurgery Clinic sales rep.)

    Also as to the cost, consider registering for it. Use gofundme or something like it to ask your family and friends to help you celebrate your accomplishment by chipping in to have the skin removed. (I know this, on the surface, sounds a little on the tacky side, but I see people doing this all the time, so it's apparently a thing you can do now, if you are comfortable doing it)
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    I bought a high waist two piece. The bottom looks great. I still need to work on my abs but by next summer I will be rocking it. (3 children also)
  • SlimmingMeDown
    SlimmingMeDown Posts: 63 Member
    I don't have the tummy issue, but I have never liked bikinis because I am busty, and also a little modest. I always wear one-piecers because they are just more comfortable and give more coverage.

    Am I the only one that isn't into bikinis?
  • Dear Sad,

    You are perfectly entitled to your frustrations and emotions. There are a few things you have not considered, that might help you through this...

    1. Develop a plan- You have not investigated local surgeons that might be willing to lower their fees or develop a payment program. This is not vanity, though you need to do some therapy and see a medical professional to remove any question or complications that depression might be exacerbating your situation and/or hinder your progress. Vanity is when there is not a rational reason for your dream here. You've done tremendous things, and it's time for your body to reflect that. You've done everything you've asked your body to do. Let the responsibility of fixing this problem to others for the time being. Talk to the surgeons. Do your research before giving in to those emotions that drove is to obesity to begin with. :)
    2. Seek counseling. You have many of the hallmarks for depression. It is not normal to collapse into tears while driving. It is, however normal to be sad when a dream doesn't end the way you'd hoped. If you look, there will be a counseling center in your area that has the sliding fee scale, employs sub-MD level psychiatry professionals who can prescribe either anti-depressants or improve pharmacological issues that can take the edge off your overwhelming sadness and assist you in developing the plan moving forward. They will give you valuable coping tools, should the surgery not be an option, worst case scenario.
    3. I can tell you what an amazing person you've been, just like I imagine everyone around you has been telling you, but if you don't take care of that internal dialogue and shut it down, no surgery, outside support, or friend is going to make this ok. You must recognize your achievement for what it is, know that you will have more goals for yourself in the future, and once you've completed the work you need to on yourself (research, therapy, determine your game plan, executing it), throwing on the guilt of not meeting the laundry list of ideals you've listed above will never serve you. It is already robbing you of hope, which is more precious than any number on a scale or perfect tummy.

    You ARE amazing. You are getting better, and with some outside help, you will be better still. God bless ya!
  • FitCanuckChick
    FitCanuckChick Posts: 240 Member
    This is going to seem like really strange advice, but here it goes. Take any money that you have planned for surgery and if you can afford it, book a HOT HOLIDAY - I suggest mexico or the carriebean (Jamaica is my fave - hence the profile pic). I like the all inclusive thing to. Then get yourself 3 bikinis and 1 tankini (just in case). The best bottoms are those that go just under your belly button or high hipsters. Boy briefs work too. If you have lost weight in your bosums - halter style tops that tie around you next and back - you can adjust them so the girls are where they need to be - lol. Here's why I am giving you this crazy advice.

    I started my weight loss journey and decided to use a trip to Jamaica as my reward (never had been away with my husband). All my friends were going on weight loss plans that cost a small fortune (read Herbal Magic) - I decided I was not going to pay someone to lose weight (other than a gym membership) I was going to reward ME. So, that drove me to loose the weight and stay on track. I was well into my 200s when I started and was around 160 when we went (took around a year to lose). I was like you. In fact reading your post just was so much like me. I would NEVER EVER EVER wear a bikini and never did - not as a kid or someone in my 20s ot teens. I was always large, so I had stretch marks from that, I had two kids so I had stretch marks from that, I had MOLES (thanks mom and dad for the genes), and I was far from a toned body. Literally the worst body image ever. When I booked our trip I asked my travel agent how many swiming suits I should take - she said you should at least take two bikinis so you can wash them out and they have time to dry. I looked at her shocked and said oh no I won't take a bikini. I would never wear a bikini. And she said - trust me, take a bikini. Just trust me. I thought "ya right - there is no way in H I am going to take a bikini."

    So, I was in Old Navy one day looking for summer dresses to take on our trip and noticed the wall of bikini's. I thought - OK, what if I go on an excursion where there may be swimming. Maybe I could take a bikini to wear like underwear, and then I can at least go swimming. I even had a plan - I would quickly throw off my clothes, jump in the ocean, and have my hubby hand me the towel as I got out. So, I grabbed a very plain practial all black basic halter bikini, and for the first time in my life went to the change room and tried it on. It fit, I thought - Ok - underwear. So I reluctantly bought it and I packed the bikini and two tankinis (you know the kind that go past the bottoms - no tummy showing) and was off on my first hot holiday.

    So, the first morning I put on a takini and coverup and went to scout out a spot with my hubby. All of a sudden I started noticing women of all shapes and sizes in bikinis. We stumbled across the topless area of the resort and wouzers - big women with bikini bottoms and no tops. I kept looking at my sensible two piece and thinking if they can do it so can I. So, we went for lunch, and after lunch it got REALLY hot. I was still really aware of all the other women in their bikinis and I remember turning to my hubby and saying that I was so hot (sweating hot not cute hot) - did he think that I would look ok in my bikini? He told me "absolutely - you look great - you just don't see what I see. I was really nervous but I think I was even more hot. So, around 2:00, I went to my room and grabbed the bikini and put it on. I threw on a coverup thinking, I could keep this on if I lose my nerve.

    I get back to my beach chair and look around at all the women and thought - what is my problem, if THEY can do it so can I. Honestly, that was the single most liberating moment in my adult life. I took off my coverup and literally heard music playing in my head. I COULD wear a bikini. And not one single person looked at me like I shouldn't be. That night I washed out my bikini and wore it again the next day. I even contemplated purchasing one at the resort store, but they were pretty colorful and flashy and I wasn't quite ready for that. So, for 7 days I wore that bikini. By day two my husband told me he had never seen me more confident about the way I looked. Honest to god. I don't think I would have gotton that from several sessions of counselling.

    This may also sound strange, but I would recommend if you do this booking a spanish chain resort - Iberostars, Gran Bahias, Barcelos, Grand Palladiiums (there are more) are all spanish chains. Why? Becasue there are lots of Europeans (like from Spain) that go to the spanish ones - there are also alot of north americans - but there are alot of Euopeons. And, Europeans have a WAY more healthy body image outlook that we do - seriously. Sometimes it goes a bit too far (bigger, older guys in banana hammock thongs - lol) but they do have a better image or maybe its just an "I don't give a damn" attitude - in any event it's helpful.

    So, fast forward a year later - we booked our 2nd hot holiday. We were going at the end of January. On January 1 I was online a the Victoria's secret website and ordered 4 mix and max bikinis (I had toned up a bit more and lost some more weight in that year), but those stretch marks and moles and the "mommy tummy" was still there. I never even give it a second thought anymore. I did not pack anything but bikinis.

    I now own 9 bikinis - halters, bandeaus, colorful, cute, even WHITE (we go on two trips a year - 1 without kids and 1 with kids). They cover up just enough for me not to show a few of those areas I just don't like - and they are appropriate for my age (I am 38 now and was 34 the first year we went) - but seriously I would now DIE before I would pack a tankini or 1 piece.

    I know its strange advice - but it worked. It gave me a really healthy view of myself. Just wanted to share.
  • massivediet
    massivediet Posts: 54 Member
    I don't know about the OP, but I am ready to don a bikini after reading FitCanuckChick's story. Great story! Thank you for sharing.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    Love the advice that's flowing! Especially the hot vacation idea!

    I bought a bikini for the first time in my life this summer to wear for a spa procedure. I will never wear one in public, only in private, or maybe on a secluded beach but that's due to religious reasons. It USED to be due to self-consciousness too until THIS event where I discovered the right one (for me, a high-waisted bottom with a halter-top) was amazing. I couldn't stop looking in the mirror.

    Yes, I have a ton of cellulite now. Yes, the mummy tummy is there (hence the high-waisted bottom). Yes, the girls are droopy from a year of nursing. But WOW! You put that waistband up over the scars and muggy-mammy-belly and you can really see that my workouts have "done a body good."

    So I discovered that all those momma-battle-scars don't matter! What matters is that when you look in the mirror you see the progress you made!!

    Oh, and most men I talked to about this say they don't care about the imperfections... especially if they were at your side when you were unhealthy. They will care more about how awesome you look at a healthier weight then they will the minor (and I DO mean MINOR) imperfections that seem so large to us in the mirror, and confidence is the best thing a woman can put on!