dumped and lonely

pobalita
pobalita Posts: 741 Member
in Motivation and Support
My boyfriend and I just broke up and I need to find ways to move ahead with my life. I was with him for three years and have spent the rest of my adult life married and raising my kids. I haven't ever really been single as an adult. I was completely family-focused for so long that I never really developed social friends outside of my relationships either.

I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to deal with being alone. I'd love to hear how others do it. Right now, my evenings after work are just be dinner alone and Lifetime movies. As far as weekends go, sometimes I come home from work on a Friday night and don't even leave the house until I go work Monday morning. All of my tell me that I need to "get myself out there", but I don't know where that is.

I'd also be interested hearing in what you do to meet others. I don't necessarily mean dating (it will be a while before I'm ready for that), rather how do you meet new friends? I found a running club in my neighborhood and as soon as my foot injury heals, I will join them for Saturday morning runs. I think this is a good start, but would welcome any other advice.

I know I could have posted this on a relationship forum outside of MFP, but I chose to put it here because I am health and fitness-focused and would probably find answers from like-mined people most helpful.

Replies

  • ThickMcRunFast
    ThickMcRunFast Posts: 22,511 Member
    Sorry to hear that. here's my advice, having just gone through it (though without the added bonus of kids).

    Running clubs are a good idea, or just get out and try something new. Cooking classes, bartending classes, hiking groups, volunteering at a local animal shelter as a dog walker. Just do something that you want to do. You'll become a better person, and meet interesting people along the way (hopefully).

    Also don't rush things. Meeting new people made me crazy anxious right after my break up. Just go at whatever is comfortable for you. If you don't enjoy something, stop doing it. The main point being, focus on things that make you happy, then you can find someone else to be happy with. Good luck!
  • kiwitechgirl
    kiwitechgirl Posts: 145 Member
    I moved to a new city where I didn't know anyone except my new workmates - not quite the same situation but I was still lonely (and had weekends like yours). What did I do? Joined a roller derby league. It may sound stupid, but it seriously was the best thing I ever did. Two years down the track, I have about eighty derby sisters and brothers (again, sounds stupid but we are a family) and seem to spend all my time either at training, watching games which I'm not playing in, or at something or other which one of the derby league has organised - birthday parties, farewells for the occasional player who is leaving, and so on. Plus, with four hours on-skates and 2.5 hours off-skates training a week, it's a great way to get workouts in without even realising that you're burning cals, pretty much - we're usually too busy howling with laughter at someone's spectacular wipeout to remember that we're exercising.

    I reckon your idea of the running club is a great start - but if it doesn't work out, find something else that you love.
  • Rosieannaxo
    Rosieannaxo Posts: 129
    When I was in Portland for a couple of months, I literally knew no one. So I joined a hiking club which was so amazing. Hiking (great exercise!!!) combined with hours of alone time with new people just forms the greatest friendships. I absolutely recommend joining any sort of exercise group, you can loose weight, get fit, and meet awesome new people who share your views on health! :D
  • HealthWoke0ish
    HealthWoke0ish Posts: 2,078 Member
    I used to volunteer (e.g. volunteering to help run 5k's etc., tutoring students, etc.). In many cases, and without meaning to, I started some very nice relationships. I have a theory about that too. Just doing something fun with other people is okay...but engaging in service, IMO, really ignites the OMG-what-a-good-person-he/she-is response. In my case, I was always gratified to meet someone else willing to volunteer her time to help others.

    Whatever you do, good luck! :smile:
  • Renegade706
    Renegade706 Posts: 209
    My advice as someone who has been through a bad break up is just focus on making a positive out of it, its over and done so worrying about what went wrong and what could have been different isnt going to produce any change, so like the saying about making lemonade when life gives you lemons, use this as a time to focus on you! Find some new hobbies, maybe volunteer with some local charities or groups, take a course you always wanted to take, break ups are rough , but dont have to be life shattering :) on another note i just seen your pics, hes an idiot your gorgeous :)
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
    Maybe it's time to pick up a few hobbies. Love to read? See if there are any local book clubs (the library might be a good place to start). Do you enjoy writing? Look for writers groups. If you're musically inclined, there may be a community band or orchestra you could join. If sewing is your thing, there might be sewing or quilting circles. And so on. Or try something new! Around here, the local school districts have adult community education: sports, martial arts (ok those could be sports, too), art classes, cooking classes, belly dance, etc.

    Good luck :heart:
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    I didn't know many people when I moved to Detroit. I socialize well and make friends easily, but I didn't know where to meet people. Also I missed my friends from Georgia where I had spent most of my life. So I joined meetup groups for my interests such as a French speakers group where we get together and practice French, eat French food, etc. I also joined a good karma club that does volunteer work. I have also met people at my gym and various other places, but I would start there.
  • Quieau
    Quieau Posts: 428 Member
    Meetup.com is a GREAT place to get yourself out there with like-minded folks who are not necessarily looking to date or have sex. I have a group of ONLY women (JUGs, Just Us Girls) in my town that like to get together through meetup and we have had a blast. They do parties, movies, brunches, hikes, shopping trips, gym dates, everything.

    And then there are groups by hobbies, by dog breeds, by sports. So much to do, and the emphasis is on socializing without pressure, not dating or romance.

    Highly recommended! Your town (or one nearby) is sure to have groups of folks who'd love to meet you!
  • zanne54
    zanne54 Posts: 336 Member
    When I finally ended a bad marriage to an abusive jerk, I found myself with a lot of free time and not many friends (as he had driven them away).

    So, I did something I always wanted to do: I started playing hockey. Best thing I ever did. It wasn't even a month in before I was on the ice 3, 4, 5 times a week. I met a ton of new people and made some amazing friends. Like somebody mentioned upthread about roller derby - it's like having a whole new family. Hockey gave me my confidence back, and a few years later...I met a terrific guy at a shinny. We're almost 5 years together now.

    So, what is YOUR "thing" that you've always wanted to do, but haven't been able to...or put it off...or didn't sign up - go do it!
  • stockjock1
    stockjock1 Posts: 12
    You seem like a nice person and obviously you're very fit. There are plenty of nice guys out there. Right now, I'm doing match.com, plentyoffish.com, chemistry and e-Harmony. I like match and pof the best.

    But if you put yourself out there, I'm certain you'll meet someone nice. Good luck!

    P.S. If you were local, I'd certainly meet you, so if I feel that way, I'm sure a ton of other guys in your area do as well.
  • lupinibean
    lupinibean Posts: 40
    I don't know if you are in, or close to, a larger city...but try meetup.com. They have a TON of groups of every interest (politics, movies, books, cooking, crafts, etc etc etc) in every major city and probably some smaller ones too. I believe most of the meetings are held in restaurants or other public venues. I also think volunteering and/or taking classes are good ideas too. Good luck!!

    ETA: Ah, somebody beat me to this suggestion, but just goes to shows ya, it's a great idea :)
  • FrauHaas2013
    FrauHaas2013 Posts: 615 Member
    Join one of those activity clubs - they hold weekly, weekend, monthly, quarterly, annual events - whatever fits your lifestyle. They do lots of different things depending on where you are...chance to meet people, not necessarily "hook up" like the old, tired bar scene. (UGH)

    Take some community classes.

    Learn to be with yourself! There's nothing wrong with not being in a relationship. You don't need someone else in your life to validate who you are.

    I was single from 1995 to 2011! I just focused on my kids. I had a few dates here and there but never anything serious; I just wasn't into it until I met my (now) husband in 2011. We got married this past January.
  • pobalita
    pobalita Posts: 741 Member
    Thank you so much everyone! I am grateful for all the responses and all the great ideas. There are many suggestions that I would have never thought of on my own. I just looked at meetup and saw that there are a lot of groups with similar interests to mine. There is a group gets together for volunteer work - I am seriously looking at it already.
  • Vincentsz
    Vincentsz Posts: 407 Member
    I checked out your pics!


    You wont be lonely for long! :wink:
  • SarahWrittenThin
    SarahWrittenThin Posts: 595 Member
    I feel the same way only I was the one who ended the relationship. We had been together for three years too and were actually engaged to be married but I called it off. I feel like I just can't get out there sometimes and I'm nervous to even try. Other than walking and working out I haven't left the house in close to a month now. I think the evenings and nights are the hardest for me as well as the weekends.

    I've been trying to talk to people on here, read books, gotten into my zombie movies a bit more (looking at maybe joining my local Zombie Squad for North East Ohio and the walking dead is coming back on sunday so that will give me one night to look forward to.

    If you want a friend you can add me :)

    Anyone else too- sometimes we all just need some good people to talk to.
  • HeidiCooksSupper
    HeidiCooksSupper Posts: 3,831 Member
    Consider joining a group like the Sierra Club, Audubon Society, Habitat for Humanity, or another organization that seems like it would be fun. They are great places to make friends -- not much of a dating scene usually but just folks being friendly. I hunted for hubby for 42 years (ages 12 to 54) -- we finally found each other online -- so spent most of my adult life single. I made some very good friends and met a lot of interesting people through the Audubon Society. I also met a lot of interesting people through participation in bowling leagues over the years. The one I was in longest was a Special Olympics "Unified League" of half Special Olympians and half "special partners." Some of us bowled better than we could keep score. Some of us scored better than we bowled. I'm much better at arithmetic than athletics! LOL
  • Deipneus
    Deipneus Posts: 1,854 Member
    Meetup.com is a GREAT place to get yourself out there with like-minded folks who are not necessarily looking to date or have sex.
    You beat me to it. This is my suggestion. It's an easy way to find like minded people with no pressure.

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