Defensive Eating

MePlus20 · October 2013

Hi All,

I'm new here and just thought I'd chime in and say Hi and get right into what my issue is with weight & eating.

My biggest challenge is an unhealthy pattern with my partner. I enjoy eating together - it's a family thing we do. We are also both awesome cooks. However she is hungry constantly so there is a steady flow of delicious food in front of me whether I am hungry or not. And I find myself eating with her every day, even though it is often several hours before it would even normally cross my mind to eat. I eat when I'm not hungry because the food is delicious, it's there in front of us, and it's a social thing to eat together.

I also overeat. She eats so much, that if I don't eat when she does, none of the meal will be left for me later. Or if there are leftovers, she is usually hungry before me and eats them before I even have a chance. So I end up eating leftovers when I am not even very hungry, because otherwise I know it will be gone. In my mind it's like a competition for food. If there is anything really good in the fridge, I'd better eat it ASAP or I will get little, if any.

I have gained 20 pounds in the 8 months we have been living together, and this has to stop. I need to break out of this unhealthy eating pattern but I am not sure how. I am coming here hoping to get and give support & advice.

riccoismydog · October 2013

Wow. Is she gaining weight? I know it's hard to say to someone, we need to lose weight, it's like saying you're fat to a girl, which isn't easy...but it sounds like you need to be in this together.

comrade_questions · October 2013

Growing up, I had this problem with my brothers. To this day, I have never met anybody who eats as much or as frequently as they do. I would see them come to the cupboards and eat two entire boxes of snack food meant for a couple weeks in the course of a couple of hours. I know it's tough, but you have to establish food parameters for yourself.

For me, it meant buying and making my own food. Maybe that might not work in your relationship, but my husband and I eat totally separately most of the time. Best of luck!

MePlus20 · October 2013

She is overweight - borderline obese. I don't know if she's gaining more or not.

MePlus20 · October 2013

Thanks, runninginalas. It's nice to hear from someone who understands & has been in a similar situation.

Setting food parameters sounds good & logical....but what do you mean by that? Can you give some examples of parameters you have set that have helped you out of the food-free-for-all type of environment?

kellybean14 · October 2013

Have you tried communicating with her?

meiyoumao · October 2013

If the food is within your daily goals, make yourself a plate and set it aside until you are hungry. Tell her it is yours for later.

riccoismydog · October 2013

It sounds like food is an addiction for her.

What you describe is how addicts use drugs. Get drugs, use until all gone, get more drugs. Share drugs with other drug addict so they can have the responsibility of providing drugs as well. Introduce said drugs to non user because misery loves company, new user now has the ability to get more drugs and share with other users. And on and on it goes. Use actually increases as addicts compete with each other for more drugs. Addiction increases. You get the idea.

Perhaps your relationship needs to revolve around something besides food. If you just started over eating since you have been with her, there is a lot of support on here. Count your calories, put aside healthy food for yourself, distance yourself from the frequent unhealthy food that she makes. When it's your turn to cook make it healthy.

BrendaLee · October 2013

When she makes something you want to have later, could you do yourself up a plate and put it aside -- and tell her not to touch it...nicely, of course? If you tell her you want something specific later, will she leave it for you? Pre-log it, and let her know what you've logged. Stick a dry-erase board on the fridge with your planned menu for the day. Buy things for yourself that she doesn't like.

You can't keep eating when you're not hungry out of fear that you won't get the good stuff later. You may get to the yummy stuff before she does, but you're also going to keep gaining weight.

MePlus20 · October 2013

Thanks to all who responded. You have given me a lot of good things to consider!

Riccoismydog – what you said about addiction really gave me a sense of urgency about changing the situation. Esp. about use increasing as addicts compete with each other. I knew this was unhealthy for me and I needed to change something, but I didn’t even think about how this pattern may have been making things worse for her as well.

BrendaLee – what you said as well was really helpful. That I may get the good food but I’m also going to keep gaining weight. If my priority is my health and a healthy relationship, I have to stop this.

Also I don’t want to give the sense that this is all her fault. I don’t know if she has a food addiction or if it’s an over-active sense of hunger because of diabetes, or if something else is going on. But whatever it is, is her thing. My part of it and my reactions haven’t been healthy and that is mine. I don’t want to give the sense at all that this is her fault. We both have our parts in this. I just know that I need to change my part so I don't keep feeding into it (so to speak!). :-)

Thanks again everyone for such great feedback!

mg_89 · October 2013

Hi there... it sounds like you are trying to get your arms around what this is for you and taking a look at your environment is a big part of that!

I wonder if there's an opportunity to say... listen, I am worried about my health and I'm wondering if you can support me in this... and give her specific examples of what's necessary about a change in the environment. Hopefully she'll agree and want to get on board!

If not.. then you have to focus on your own health. And if she can't be supportive, can she at least not sabotage it?

In any regard, good luck.. you can do it!!

Marci

Defensive Eating

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