Completely Clueless...

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cher_horowitz
cher_horowitz Posts: 4
in Motivation and Support
Hi all,

I am a regular member on here, but I'm too chicken to post this question under my usual name.

Basically, I have a question re: sex and I honestly hope this doesn't breach any of the site's conditions regarding this topic, but I'm genuinely concerned/curious about something.

I've always been a big girl and my highest weight was approximately 250lbs/115kgs. Due to my excessive weight, I was quite self-conscious and never really had a serious relationship. I got down to approximately 175lbs and not long after that, I started seeing this guy, who loves me, regardless of my size. Since then, my weight has tended to yo-yo quite a bit.

My question is that when I started seeing him, I was still a virgin. Since then, we've been intimate quite a bit, but I find it really difficult (virtually impossible) to do any positions other than the standard missionary position. Basically, what I want to know is whether or not my weight is a contributing factor to my inability to do any other positions successfully, or if it's more likely to do with my inexperience. Is it possible to just simply be "too fat" for certain positions? My partner is tall and within a normal-slim weight range. He's completely understanding about the whole situation, but I just feel really frustrated by my current inability to incorporate some more variety into our relationship. My partner is more experienced than me, but he's never been with someone that lacks experience the way I do, so he's kind of unsure how to give me any advice.

Any thoughts on the subject would be sincerely appreciated.

Replies

  • weaving2fast
    weaving2fast Posts: 64 Member
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    Your weight is a contributing factor only to the point that it is affecting your brain. There is nothing wrong with you. You will gain confidence and with that you won't even be thinking about your weight. Do not be insecure as your partner is fine with who you are. Men do not kick naked women out of their rooms because they have gained weight. I can't imagine that has ever happend as most men would just be happy to have a naked woman in their room.
  • runningvegan
    runningvegan Posts: 65
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    I gained 40 lbs about 3 years ago, but I have always been a normal weight before that. For me, the added weight has made certain positions more uncomfortable than others.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    Not sure how tall you are..just knowing your weight, it can be hard to judge...I'm 5'7" and weigh about the same as you do but that just makes me slightly overweight - but if you're only like 5 feet tall, that would make a difference. However, I think it's more about fitness level than just being overweight. if you're not very strong or flexible, some positions can be very tough to manage comfortably.

    When I met my husband, I was obese - about 245 if memory serves - and stayed around that weight (a little higher, a little lower) up until about 4 years ago. The only position that's ever been a real issue for me is cowgirl (woman on top) and that was as much about not being able to position myself right as it was about not having the confidence to be comfortable in a more dominant position. I will say though that he's commented on how much easier it is to be in certain positions now that I'm smaller.

    Not sure if you exercise but that may be a place to start. Gaining better balance, better control over your body in general and improving flexibility can all help. And it'll likely have the added bonus of making you feel better (more confidence) about yourself knowing you are getting fit and can do more physically.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
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    If you are insecure about your body, regardless of weight, then it will affect your performance. Time, frequency, and experience help with the insecurity. I think in your case it might be a little of everything. You're only too fat for a position if you "think" you are. I know a few big girls and boys who are absolute freaks in the bedroom because of confidence. And the only time I was physically uncomfortable "too fat" was when I was knocked up. Otherwise I was like heyyyyyy!

    Give it time and lots of practice. You'll be fine. :flowerforyou:
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
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    You may want to do some yoga or stretches. It probably is not the weight.
  • grimendale
    grimendale Posts: 2,154 Member
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    You may want to do some yoga or stretches. It probably is not the weight.
    This. Flexibility, endurance and strength are more likely factors than weight.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    If you are insecure about your body, regardless of weight, then it will affect your performance. Time, frequency, and experience help with the insecurity. I think in your case it might be a little of everything. You're only too fat for a position if you "think" you are. I know a few big girls and boys who are absolute freaks in the bedroom because of confidence. And the only time I was physically uncomfortable "too fat" was when I was knocked up. Otherwise I was like heyyyyyy!

    Give it time and lots of practice. You'll be fine. :flowerforyou:

    this

    I was 5'8" (no... still am) and 170/175ish. I'm only down to 160- but my choices haven't been affected at all.

    I also know that my body- and his body- they don't work well at certain angles- it's fun to try- but it doesn't last long- things don't work well- it's either physically uncomfortable- something's hitting in the wrong spot- or things don't stay put or it's just TOO MUCH WORK!!! (certain things are very acrobatic... and muscular- and after a while- I'm like okay I'm done with that -NEXT!!!)

    That's okay too. Work on it- it gets better. Bed room stuff is not something we are born good at - you are dealing with physical things that are new and different AND emotional things AND MENTAL things. All of these things must be processed and dealt with and it takes time.


    Don't beat yourself up honey. Enjoy it- have fun.. relax- easier said than done- but that's okay to just let yourself go and enjoy those moments- that's why you are doing said stuff- to enjoy each other and yourself.
  • djshari
    djshari Posts: 513 Member
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    What everyone else said... you won't know until you try! A little personal but I know of at least one position that is currently a little more difficult for me now than they were in a past with someone else and I didn't change so it has to do with both of you. I think just about every position can be modified - if you want to try something in particular just google it and you should find some decent info.
  • ninjakitty419
    ninjakitty419 Posts: 349 Member
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    I am over 200 and while I definately have some body image/self esteem issues in the bedroom, there are also some positions that I physically cannot do, sometimes because I am not strong enough to hold the position, sometimes because I am not flexible enough, and sometimes because there is just too much thickness (say, on my thighs) for us to comfortably fit/move in some positions.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    is it painful for you?

    Besides the positions where he has to support my weight or where I have to support most of it on my hands nothing has ever been a problem even at my heaviest near 400lbs.

    You may want to talk to your gynecologist? On the other hand, does it feel like a mental issue to you? Do you feel insecure? Are you able to be naked in front of him without being uncomfortable? Do you have any past trauma? This could affect many things. (please no obligation to answer just think about it)

    Do you enjoy sex in missionary? Another personal, and you dont have to answer, but think about it, have you experienced an orgasm?

    This may go a lot deeper than just weight.
  • sinistras
    sinistras Posts: 244 Member
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    And some positions are just not comfortable certain times of the month! Your cervix is at its highest around ovulation. That is the only time "on top" is tolerable for me! Regardless of my weight or physical conditioning. I wouldn't worry too much about variety--a man just wants to be with the woman he loves, in a position that makes sex pleasurable for both.
  • cher_horowitz
    cher_horowitz Posts: 4
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    Thank you all for your interesting and insightful comments! I've taken a lot of your feedback/suggestions into consideration and I think it's perhaps a slightly more mental, but also physical to some degree too. I don't have any kind of past trauma that would be causing these issues.

    When we're having sex, I do enjoy it in the missionary position and I don't experience any pain. I'm yet to have an orgasm through penetration, but I have experienced them on my own.

    My current weight is about 210lbs and I'm 5ft5. When I was first with him, I was probably closer to around 190lbs. I'm working on getting back down to where I was previously and then improving upon that.

    To some extent, I do feel a little self-conscious when I'm with my partner, even though he has never made any kind of negative comment about my body. It's more that I feel bad that he doesn't have a partner that's fitter/healthier/in better shape.

    The other possible contributing factor is that due to medical reasons, I can't take any form of oral or injectable contraception. My partner has had to get used to wearing condoms when he's with me, and he has trouble with the lack of sensation he experiences with them. When we try and get into various positions, the slight loss of momentum in that time and lack of direct simulation for him causes him to lose concentration slightly and he becomes slightly soft, making penetration difficult. So it could be a combination of him having trouble penetrating me in that state and also the fact that I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing.

    Re: exercise - I try and do some each week, but I'm mainly a walker and that's not exactly the type of exercise that's going to help me build up additional strength for these particular activities. Perhaps reconsidering a different form of exercise might be a good idea.

    Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I sincerely appreciate it.
  • PhearlessPhreaks
    PhearlessPhreaks Posts: 890 Member
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    Your weight is a contributing factor only to the point that it is affecting your brain. There is nothing wrong with you. You will gain confidence and with that you won't even be thinking about your weight. Do not be insecure as your partner is fine with who you are. Men do not kick naked women out of their rooms because they have gained weight. I can't imagine that has ever happend as most men would just be happy to have a naked woman in their room.

    Pretty much this, OP. I'm a big girl too, and I've never had a problem with most positions. Certain ones can be more tricky and thus my husband and I don't utilize them... but you can certainly achieve more than missionary! I'm inclined to believe it's more an inexperience thing than a physical thing. Let go and have fun with your man!
  • rowanwood
    rowanwood Posts: 510 Member
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    With more details...I wonder if you just shouldn't try different condoms, or another method of non-hormonal BC if you're monogamous. Maybe a diaphragm or something. Also, non-latex condoms tend to be more pleasant, though a bit more expensive. I highly doubt this is a weight issue...
  • Dovekat
    Dovekat Posts: 263 Member
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    I also cannot take oral or injectable contraceptive they make me very ill indeed. Have you tried using a thinner condom like durex fetherlite or latex free they might help with stimulation issue and/or maybe a spermicidal lubricant? I cannot remember the name but I have seen them in pharmacies in back of 12 or so like condoms (little insert-able pump type things like the injectors for thrush cream).

    As for your weight maybe but only in as much as flexibility and strength as others have mentioned. I started out about 200lbs (5ft4) and actually found missionary very uncomfortable due to the strain on my lower back, it's still not the most comfortable. I second yoga as a way to help increase strength and flexibility as well as a little confidence in your own body and abilities.
  • cher_horowitz
    cher_horowitz Posts: 4
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    Thanks again for the latest comments - you're all so supportive and lovely.

    We've been using the thinnest condoms we can find and I don't feel that the sensation is dulled by them. My partner says that the thinner ones are quite decent, but he still finds himself losing focus. I'm not sure if I'd want to consider using something like a diaphragm.

    Is there anyone that could perhaps recommend some fairly basic positions that would be more suited for bigger girls? You don't have to be overly graphic or anything! I WANT to have a more interesting sex life, but I'm just really unsure what to do. My partner has always been with girls who are more experienced and doesn't really know how to help someone who is completely new to all of this. I'm usually a fairly co-ordinated person (played a lot of sport as a kid etc), but when it comes to this, I feel like I just have zero co-ordination and no idea how to move effectively.

    Thanks again to all who replied :)
  • Dovekat
    Dovekat Posts: 263 Member
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    Rather then trying to explain anything (I am NO expert) I did a quick google search and found this, it's interesting and worth a look for ideas and giggles both. I do wish you the very best of luck in finding what works for you :happy: http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/relationships/galleries/9278/top-20-sex-positions
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
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    Is there anyone that could perhaps recommend some fairly basic positions that would be more suited for bigger girls?


    This one doesn't take much coordination:


    doggystyle_A99U5X.jpg
  • cher_horowitz
    cher_horowitz Posts: 4
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    Thank you all again, your comments and suggestions are truly appreciated.

    xx Cher.
  • rubenoff
    rubenoff Posts: 3
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    Is the pain you're feeling like someone is stabbing you in the stomach?If it's kind of like that, it's probably the position of your cervix. I had the same problem, then my gyno told me i have a retroverted uterus, which means it faces towards my back rather than up to my stomach,so it kind of gets in the way. In certain positions, it can be pretty painful because the penis hits it, so anything with deep penetration hurts. Try with you both lying on your sides, that should be okay for you regardless of the issue. Just try new positions and don't go too deep and see if that helps. I know how to position myself now so it doesn't hurt, you'll learn too! Relax and have fun finding out :)

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