Should I really be this upset, or am I just overreacting?

Cytherea · October 2010

I'm pretty laid back. It takes a lot to get me upset. I've had plenty of friends tell me that they can't tell a difference since I've lost weight and it doesn't affect me at all- heck, I can't even see it myself most of the time! So why would I be upset with them for being honest? Obviously I'm not. I have this one friend, my best friend, who knows that I've been trying to lose weight and has always been supportive even though she can't see it. She even told me the last time that I saw her (a few weeks ago) that's she's horrible at judging weight in general and horrible at seeing things like weight loss in general, and she hates it when people ask her "do I look different?!" and she doesn't have an answer. One of her co-workers does this to her all the time, expecting her to realize when he's lost 5 lbs. or has been working out really hard to get more fit, and he gets upset that she can't notice those differences and it drives her crazy. (I've never done this to her, btw!!)

So when I was visiting in August, we went and saw some of our college professors. I expected at least one of them to notice (since one of them noticed when another friend of ours lost a lot of weight a few years ago) but he didn't. I still didn't get upset. I was a tiny bit offended, ok, but it didn't bother me too much.

The other night, my best friend saw one of our profs again (not the one I expected to notice). When I asked her how he was, her response was: "Oh my gosh he lost SO much weight! He looks AWESOME!!!!"

I was really taken aback by it. We saw him less than 2 months ago. How much weight could he have POSSIBLY lost in that short of a time?! I've lost almost 50 lbs. and she hasn't noticed. And she probably would be the best judge- I see her more often than any other family/friends, but once every few months so there is still a noticeable difference in weight loss between the times we see each other. I saw her in January before I started losing, at the highest weight of my life. I saw her in March- I had lost about 10 or so lbs. I saw her again in August- I had lost 35 lbs (putting me at a lower weight than I had met her at). And I just saw her again a few weeks ago, at the end of September- I had lost 45 lbs.

Even if it is somehow possible (albeit unhealthy and highly improbable) that our prof has lost the same amount of weight as I have worked my butt off to lose these past 10 months in 2 months, how is it that she noticed with him and not with me????

I dunno, maybe I'm just overreacting, but this was the first time since I've started this whole journey that I've really gotten upset and offended by something someone said. I don't care if people don't notice or can't tell the difference, but this just really shocked me.

JDMPWR · October 2010

Let it go. Are you losing for you or for them? Do you need the attention?

Ms_Natalie · October 2010

I honestly think there may be a little jealousy involved...it doesn't make your friend a bad person at all though, that's not what I'm implying!

Of course there will be a big difference in your size now...47lbs is a huge amount of weight to lose. My friend has hardly commented on my weight loss either even though most other people have said something. Some people, especially men, don't really take note of people's sizes, so I wouldn't get offended by this.

Remember, you are doing this for you!! Nobody else...if you'd like to see the TRUE difference, get two photos, a recent one and an old one and check out the differences yourself!

Better still...stick them on here...the positive responses will keep that motivation high!

Keep going...you're doing fantastically :flowerforyou:

purplenut · October 2010

I understand how you feel but you are doing this for you and you need to worry about how you feel and look to yourself not what others see or feel about you.

superwmn · October 2010

You're not over reacting. You feel how you feel.

I started at 230 and NO ONE noticed until I lost nearly 60 lbs. THAT said, for the first time in my life I didn't need anyone to notice. I noticed and how I feel about me is all that matters.

You look amazing! You're doing so great! YOU know how successful you are. Your opinion of yourself is the ONLY THING that will lead to success long term.

Charmagne

Desiree219 · October 2010

Is it possible that your friend has some insecurities about her own body that make it difficult for her to admit that you are making a change in your life? I have a friend who has lost 40 pounds, but one of our co-workers has told her that she can't see a change at all, which is absolutely ridiculous! She's lost 40 freaking pounds! Of COURSE there's a difference!

I do agree with the above poster though...you are doing this for YOU, right? Compliments are awesome, and it's great when people notice, but don't lose sight of why you're doing this in the first place.

Good Luck

Kaye8395BTS · October 2010

I understand, I've lost 70 lbs and get let down sometimes when people don't notice. JTurner is right in a sense, you are doing this for you and though it hurts when people don't notice your hard work (versus your new pant size) it will all be worth it in the end when you are healthy and happy!

pniana · October 2010

Not to repeat what everyone is saying but you do need to do this for yourself ONLY. Forget everyone else. And there has to be some jealousy at play here. I looked at the pictures you have on here and there is a significant difference in how you looked before to how you look now. Keep going and don't let them get you down. You look fabulous!

Plus, if you see your friend often, it is harder to notice than when a significant amount of time goes by. My husband lost a lot of weight and I didn't notice until 1. He gained it back and 2. I saw a picture of him at his thinnest, after he gained it all back! Wish I'd noticed it then!!

Keep up your journey. You are healthier for it!

chgudnitz · October 2010

Some people lose weight in places that are very obvious, like their face. Other people lose weight in other places that are normally (for heavy people) covered with baggy clothing... Maybe, just maybe, his is more noticeable? I'd say to let it go. What good will come from being mad at your friend? None at all...

suzikelley · October 2010

Well, I just went to your profile page and saw your before and after pictures and I TOTALLY NOTICE A HUGE DIFFERENCE!! You are lookin' fabulous!! Your bff must be blind if she doesn't notice. Even though yes, you're doing this for yourself - it's nice to hear words of encouragement... and I have to admit, I'd be a little ticked. I don't think you're over reacting... how you feel is how you feel, period. But just don't let it discourage you from keeping your eye on the prize! You're halfway to your goal, and you are so much smaller than when you started! Congratulations on such a significant weight loss!! You're rockin it! :-)

photo_kyla · October 2010

Part of it may also be the fact that she is your good friend, that she doesn't look for your outward appearance.

I lost weight pretty drastically a few years ago (40lbs/6mos) and I had a good friend who never commented on it once until we were looking at some old photos. There was a picture of me before I lost weight (about the same weight as when we met) and he couldn't believe it was me. He said "this isn't you, I never knew you when you looked like this." While I did feel the need to point out that yes, it was me and don't I look better now; it also showed me that since we were such good friends, he simple didn't see the weight. It's a great feeling when I used to feel that my weight was the only thing people noticed about me.

♥_Ellybean_♥ · October 2010

This is your best friend, so she doesn't see you for your weight, she see's you as YOU... so even if you would lose 100lbs you would still just be "George" because she is looking at you with special glasses.... My Sister N Law and Brother happen to be my husband's and my best friends... and my husband has lost 100lbs.. but they just see him as Joe.. when I talked to my SIL I asked her.. did you see how much Joe lost.. and she said to me "Honestly he is just Joe.. I have no clue how he looked before.. he is just Joe".. and that's because they see us for who we are... not what we are!

I have lost 30lbs and no one from work has even noticed... not one person! ... Ofcourse they see me everyday... so I take this into consideration.

But I know when I look at my pictures now, versus then I CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCE...So I understand about your frustration... but don't take it to heart, your doing this for you, not them!

khk2010 · October 2010

I also think it is really weird that so many people don't notice or comment on weight loss. I've lost 43 pounds and am experiencing the same thing. Last week I saw my extended family and they didn't say a word. Not one.

But when I gained all this weight they never said, "Hey you look like you've gained a lot of weight!" So with that perspective I've decided that it is OK that they don't say anything when I've lost 40!

twnzmom · October 2010

Try not to let them upset you. You are the one that counts. You have done an amazing job, 47 pounds is noticeable whether they are telling your or not. Some people just cannot pay other people compliments. You don't need theirs, the scale and your mirror is telling you what a great job you are doing. You will get to your goal and it will mean so much to you that you did this not your friends!! Don't be sad, be glad you are 47 lbs lighter than before and they will see you thinner. Have a better day.

ArchyJill · October 2010

Maybe she's just got the hots for him? Sounds trite, I know, but it would make more sense...especially if she was gushing about how wonderous he was :laugh:

brookejoye · October 2010

WelL I want to tell you something your friend should be telling you: Congrats on your weight loss! 50 pounds is a MAJOR loss and you did it! And you will keep doing it! Way to go and way to be an inspiration to all of us on this site!

tatiana_13 · October 2010

You never know what motivates some people. There may be jealousy...or in some cases (not your best friend, but professors), tact. Commenting on the way some one looks is considered unprofessional in some circles. I've lost almost 60 pounds (and I'm under 5 ft, so this was almost half of me--cannot be missed~), and most people in the office never said a thing. And most of my classmates didn't say a thing either. Its funny...the more you lose, the less people are likely to say anything...because somehow, they may think they're implying "...and, you were really fat before...and boy did we ever notice that!". I notice that the people who never said a word when I lost 50 lbs, now comment when I lose like 5 lbs...or lose nothing but just wear better fitting clothes! Go figure. But if it makes you feel any better...a few of them are probably talking about it when you aren't there (have you seen her lately? She looks great!).

As for your best friend, just don't expect her to be your source of weight loss feedback. Be compassionate that whatever her reasons, noticing your weight loss and giving you positive feedback isn't something she is able to do right now. Just be satisfied that in matters not related to your weight, she is a good friend. And sometimes, losing weight makes us a little obsessive. We often have to be to change bad habits and keep them changed. So maybe, you are asking her to be as into your weight loss as you are, and that's just not going to be possible. Keep the weight loss conversations for others who are going through the same thing you are...like those of us on MFP!

leateix · October 2010

Of course you are upset....you have worked damn hard to get yourself where you are and you want some recognition for it! It does hurt when people in your life don't acknowledge that. I found alot of people noticed when I lost weight, but there were some that didn't and it made me wonder why. I believe some people are either jealous of it or they are afraid that the weight loss has or will make you a different person than you were prior to. It does change us, it gives us more confidence, and I think , as I said before, some folks are either jealous or fearful in some way of our new found confidence and kick in our step! Be proud of your accomplishments and don't let these upsets set you back!!! Keep moving forward!!!!

mymelody_78 · October 2010

From the photos on your profile, it looks like you have changed a lot! Good job and keep it up. It is hard for people that are close to you and see you all the time to see a difference because it is just a small change every time. If they saw some before and after photos, I am sure that it would be totally noticible. You are doing great

lyn54 · October 2010

:bigsmile: I believe there is truth and good advice in all these postings. I may be one of the oldest to post so using years in "this business," I endorse all the adivce. You will find in losing all this weight, that you are focused on it but others probably aren't, even friends,family and co-workers have jealousy from time to time...(they are human). When people make mistakes in their relationship with you, you can't keep from having "reaction feelings" but remember if they are true friends and family, they allow for you too.
I agree, weight loss is about goals to make you happy, healthy and living a long life. THAT is most important. That is why this is a good site to be on. (I am discovering this, too) People on here, the majority of them, have had issues that we all experience at one time or another.
Build your self-esteem on what you think and that's okay to have self confidence. Weight loss or size doesn't make self confidence. I have had friends who were overweight that come across to both sexes as sexy and when you are with them you don't "see" the weight. You see whatever it is that makes them that way. Their personality or body parts or the way they dress..etc..
It's sad to me that beauty is gauged by whether you are a size 1,2 or whatever...Honey, I won't ever be a size 1 or 2 and have no desire to be...I am 5'2" and just want to be back into a small 10 or 8. That is small to me...and that is all that matters.
Good Luck !!:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

MissAnjy · October 2010

This is my opinion. SOME people have a hard time complimenting weight loss (i'm one of them) & the reason for that is. I'm always wondering if when I say "wow you've lost weight" or something along those lines, if THEY are perceiving it the way I mean. Some people don't take that as a compliment. Some people may be offended by talking about their weight in general. Maybe these people are just worried about how you will react, or if you will think that by them making comments they thought you should/needed to etc.

Talking about weight is TOUGH! because you never know how a person will feel about having it be brought up etc.

LotusF1ower · October 2010

To the OP, I just saw your photos on your profile and I am not kidding when I say I can definitely see a difference!!!

Don't let it upset you when people do not comment on your weightloss or appear to notice.

45lbs is a hell of a lot of weight, how many dress sizes have you come down, a few I'd wager for sure. Just continue to do what you are doing as it is obviously working. Eventually, everybody will notice as it will be impossible for them not to.

(For what it's worth, I agree with you that it is nice for people to notice. If they don't say anything, I presume you are taking it for granted that it looks like you have lost nothing, but you couldn't be further from the truth. Many people wander around all day with what appears to be open eyes, but they are really shut and they are not very aware, just keep going) xxx

kelsully · October 2010

I am sure that was quite frustrating. Question...do your clothes fit your new body or are you in baggy stuff waiting to finish losing before you get new clothes? A neighbor of mine lost nearly 40 pounds. I knew she was losing and was pleased for her but I didn't notice it myself until she broke down and started wearing more flattering clothes. She was hiding out in her baggy stuff and I really couldn't tell. Her clothes fit her now and it is remarkable how many people comment on her weight loss ...weight she lost last year and no one noticed until her clothes fit. just a thought
keep up your hard work and don't worry about who notices and who doesn't.

andy13 · October 2010

As she is your best friend she probably looks at your soul and not your body.

CreativeRedhead · October 2010

Yeah, I wouldn't stress over it.

She maybe says you look awesome when others ask.

eva512 · October 2010

I just looked at your photos. If no one noticed you lost weight, their blind or jealous:bigsmile: You look awsome:smokin:

ZebraHead · October 2010

Hi - I creeped your profile and found this pic (hope you don't mind me posting it here):

I can see two very different pictures of you here. Maybe the people you are around all the time just get used to seeing you everyday and 'subtle' changes are not apparent to them. (show them some of these pics. :happy: )

I think you are doing fine, and you are definitely showing the weight loss from what I can see. Be proud, and keep doing what your doing, you're on the right track.

If that is you behind the flame in your main pic, I would like to see you in that pic too, you look alot thinner there.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
BTW I'll have what Charmagne is drinking please!

Cytherea · October 2010

LOL, lots of responses, so we'll see if I can cover it all in one post!

First of all, obviously I am doing this for myself and no one else, and obviously I don't need the attention. As I stated, I have NEVER gotten upset when somebody didn't notice, and that includes my husband, who sees me everyday and can't tell a difference unless he looks at pics. Doesn't bother me at all. I just felt a bit slighted because how is it possible that she noticed SUCH a huge difference in him (and it has only been 2 months!) and not in me (and it has been 10 months)?!

I definitely think that she sees my soul and not my body- as a good friend does. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you don't notice differences, does it? I mean, she notices when I cut my hair, so what's the difference? lol

The thing about the particular situation with her is that she DOESN'T see me all the time. As I said, I've seen her a total of 4 times over the past year. I live across the country from where I grew up so the only person that sees me on a regular basis is my husband. My point about her was that she has seen me more often than others, she came out here to visit me, so she probably has the best view because she's seen me at different points along the road at different amounts of weight lost.

I have some clothes that I still wear that are definitely too big but some that fit really nice too. I work at a college and I need to look professional so I've had to buy a few things along the way that fit nicely instead of waiting until I'm done losing. I actually did wear my newest, tightest fitting shirt (which I absolutely love) while she was here so she has seen me in some clothes that do fit well (and really show off the weight loss, as far as I'm concerned).

It isn't like I TOLD her I was mad or got angry with her. I just felt insulted, slighted, about the whole thing.

I don't think she's jealous. She's tall and skinny and always has been, and she's very athletic, and always has been. Her whole family is tall and skinny and I don't think she even has any fat on her body to lose if she wanted to. Sure, people don't always see that about themselves, but she's not the type of person to care about her looks and obsess over her weight. She's healthy, she eats in moderation and fairly well, and she goes to the gym frequently and plays all kinds of sports for fun. She doesn't have any self-esteem issues. She just isn't that type of person to care or be insecure about herself and she never has been.

I understand that sometimes commenting on weight loss is a sticky subject. But her and I are totally open and honest with each other about everything. We tell each other when we're being stupid, we don't hold back anything. She knows that I've been trying to lose weight and she knows that I would NEVER be insulted by her telling me the truth- about anything. So it isn't an uncomfortable subject for us. As for my professors, the reason why I thought for sure that one of them would say anything was because, like I said, he has commented in the past on the significant weight loss that another close friend of ours lost, so I know he doesn't think it is an awkward topic or unprofessional (and if it were, I'm not his student anymore, I'm his friend, so that isn't an issue anyways).

For those that asked- I started at a size 20 and I'm now in a 14. I haven't weighed this little since high school.

Yeah, the pics on my profile are me (other than the ones of my cats, obviously! lol)- they are kinda small on here, unfortunately. I don't really know how to make them look any bigger. I put together those before and after pictures recently- we went to an event last year and again this year and I knew the same people would be there so I tried to recreate the pictures. I even wore the same exact outfit!

Thanks to all of you who are so encouraging and for all the compliments! I appreciate it muchly.

Should I really be this upset, or am I just overreacting?

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