Divorce and Weight Loss

Lavinia2You
Lavinia2You Posts: 18
in Motivation and Support
Hi. I have a question to ask, and hope there might be others out there who've been through what I'm going through. Here's a little background (the Cliff Notes version);

I am 50 years old and going through a divorce. My soon-to-be-x had a long term affair. We were married for 30-years! I have three grown kids, one beautiful grandchild - and love my life in every other way. I have health issues, but maintain an active mind, and lifestyle.

I know that some people lose weight when they're going through emotional things like this. That's just not the case with me. I eat every emotion there is; joy, sadness, fear, trauma, loss, celebration, uncertainty...you get the idea. But I'm determined to make the next 50-years my healthiest ever. I've lost 20 lbs so far and have 50 to go. So here's my question - How do I get through this very emotional and life-altering time in my life without my crutch - food! Please don't tell me to just not eat the food. That's not what I'm looking for. I guess I want to know that others in similar situations have figured out strategies to change their lifestyle, even while in such an emotionally charged situation. Does that make sense? How do I change my mindset and stay on program?

Thanks so much! ~L

Replies

  • Carissa145
    Carissa145 Posts: 604 Member
    Okay, scrap what I just said there. People are giving much better advice :) I'm so sorry about the divorce. Good luck.
  • cindyb1984
    cindyb1984 Posts: 203 Member
    I understand what you are going through. I have gained 18lbs in the last 3 months since my husband left me. (Good thing I had lost 25lbs before that, so I am not quite back up to my highest weight) He was cheating on me.

    I don't have any advice for you, since I am still fighting the same fight. I know food doesn't make me feel better...so why do I keep eating till I am stuffed?

    I am in for any other helpful advice
  • CoffeeNBooze
    CoffeeNBooze Posts: 966 Member
    Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about the divorce, can't imagine what that must be like. Glad you have a great family to be with otherwise.

    So, here's what works for me, a former emotional eater: Try to tune into your physical hunger signals, rather than your emotional ones. Think, am I really hungry or am I just trying to change the way I feel?
    And when you do eat, eat what you actually want... not what you think you should...and actually slow down, take the time to savor it. Stop when you think you are physically full.

    This does take practice, of course, and it's not always easy. But it has helped me tremendously!

    Also, exercise can do wonders! Find an exercise you enjoy, even just walking for a certain amount of time a day with some music. Going for a run or doing some yoga really centers my brain.

    Hope this helps!! Hang in there.
  • ianthamfyolek
    ianthamfyolek Posts: 21 Member
    A trick my friend used (and lost 60 lbs doing it) during her divorce and subsequent weight loss was, when she felt emotional (either relief, despair, joy, confusion, whatever) she would drink an 8 ounce glass of water and go for a walk. Even if it was just a quick 5-minute walk. Then, if she was still truly hungry, she would eat a small snack afterwards.

    Good luck and I hope the next 50 years are fulfilling for you!
  • chelstakencharge
    chelstakencharge Posts: 1,021 Member
    UGH...divorce, why yes I am right smack in the middle of it. Been married 15 years and have a 13 and 10 year old. My hubs was living a double life and I busted him. We are still 4 months from our court date and this just sucks. The first few weeks I ate junk and then the reality is I have worked too hard to let him destroy me now. Of course the more I am learning about his double life the more I lose my appetite now. I have dropped 9 pounds in 2.5 weeks. I honestly don't have the answers as I am still navigating this life changing event myself but I do know what you are feeling.
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
    I wish I could give you advice but since I haven't been through anything close to what you're going through I won't act like I know what you should do.

    Instead I offer a virtual hug :flowerforyou: and a (hopefully) amusing anecdote:

    My cousin, mid thirties, had been overweight most of her life. She'd been married to a pretty good guy for close to 10 years and had an adorable daughter with him. She lost a bunch of weight last year and that plus a couple other superfluous reasons made her decide to leave her husband last december, at which time she immediately started a relationship with one of their close friends. Well fast forward to a week ago, she has gained back a good deal of what she lost, her ex is now looking better than he did before they got married, and he is dating and happier than I've ever seen him.

    50 is the new 30. Live life, do what you want, and maybe go find a hot divorcee ; )
  • Territravel
    Territravel Posts: 165 Member
    I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'd suggest you take any left over hurt, anger and use that as a catalyst for physically becoming the best YOU can be!

    Use exercise in place of food to deal with your stress. Looking hot is the best revenge there is. Good Luck!
  • BrandiNauta
    BrandiNauta Posts: 6 Member
    Find non-food related support groups and people who are supportive in your family circle to help you create new healthy habits to replace the emotional eating. Stop the madness by changing your routine and surroundings when you want to eat. Leave the house and go for a walk or get out of the grocery store and go for a mountain drive.
  • jjones62301
    jjones62301 Posts: 28 Member
    My best advice would be this:

    Whenever you feel like you want to eat your emotions away, go workout instead! Working out is a tremendously great way to let off some steam! Plus, you can act like the punching bag in front of you is your soon to be ex ;) I promise you you'll feel so much better getting all your emotions out in the gym (or at home) and instead of eating all those calories, you'll be burning them and won't have anything to feel guilty about after it's over! Win-win situation for you!! :)
  • nuskin
    nuskin Posts: 8
    Another trick to add is to have little to no food in the house. just stuff that you have to prepare for meals and maybe 1 or 2 snacks. I'm going through a divorce myself, so this plus exercising when feeling emotional, as opposed to eating has been what's been working for me. In addition to emotional eating, I'm a boredom eater too, so I try and get plenty of activities outside work and exercise to boot.
  • AmyZ46
    AmyZ46 Posts: 694 Member
    I have been through divorce a couple of times unfortunately , both were from infidelity. It hurt so very bad and I really can't believe I got through it .

    What actually got me through it was a former boss of mine told me that life is fair , of course I disagreed and she said we have a certain amount of happiness and sadness in our lives and most times you pay for happiness and sometime you get paid back for sadness.... so when things are bad you just have to hold on and prepare for the happiness that is on the way ...and try to remember all the happiness that you are paying for now... You have children and I'm sure you have ad some wonderful times in the last 30 years so maybe that can help you get through the hardest of times .

    But on to the eating part.

    I saw that someone posted about exercising or going for a walk when you want to eat and maybe think it is emotional and not physical hunger . That 's great advice ,It has helped me tremendously in the past .

    Oh and I am remarried to the most wonderful man ever I cannot believe this is what marriage is like ...I must have settled for second best before because I cry sometimes I am so happy - he's not perfect by any means lol but he is just right ....perfectly opposite of me...

    I wish you so much happiness in your future !
  • jayjay12345654321
    jayjay12345654321 Posts: 653 Member
    walk. walk away. put on your shoes, open the front door, and just start walking.
  • Lavinia2You
    Lavinia2You Posts: 18
    Walking is my main form of exercise. I know I need to change my internal dialogue and make it instead of something I just need to check off my list - something I purpose myself to do when I know I need a break from the emotions. I love walking my dog but she had knee surgery a few weeks ago, so I have to slowly increase her activity level. So, right now, I take her for her therapy walk, then drop her at home and go back out. In a month or so, I'll have my walking buddy back! Yippee!
  • Lavinia2You
    Lavinia2You Posts: 18
    Amy - what a wise boss you had. I'm going to write that on a note card and put it up somewhere in my house....maybe on my mirror. It's a reminder that happier times are just around the corner. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. It's encouraging to know that someone who has been through the pain, came out on the other side happy.
  • Lavinia2You
    Lavinia2You Posts: 18
    Thank you all so much! This is just what I needed. It was hard for me to actually write down my experience, for all to see. But it was worth it, for the support I've received in your responses.

    I've had a not so good couple of days, both health wise and emotional-wise. I finally did the last thing that needed to be done before we can file for divorce. I did keep walking every day, but comfort food got the best of me at times. I'm hoping that little by little, as I do the difficult things that need to be done, I'll feel more and more empowered to take care of myself through eating healthy and exercising.

    Anyway, thanks again!
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    Google "Intuitive Eating". This is very helpful when it comes to emotional eating. The entire "diet" itself I do not necessary agree with, but if you get the book - there are some good pointers in there.

    I would recommend getting books to read, find new hobbies and interests. Art, drawing, music, building - whatever you enjoy doing.

    You can start a journal as well - perhaps considering documenting the emotions that trigger you, and find any alternatives that would help.

    During difficult times, I recommend the Gratitude journal. Every day write down 3 things you are grateful for, or are proud of at the end of the day. That helps to keep things in perspective when the entire day seems horrible.

    Scrapbooking is also very good, which is a hobbie and you can do one focused on your weight loss.

    If you are grieving the loss of your ex. Write him a "hate" letter. Vent everything. You can send it, or burn it. Whatever helps you to move forward. Forgiveness helps too, though that depends on what stage you are in.
  • Ke11er
    Ke11er Posts: 147 Member
    Lavinia2You,
    I'm sorry for your loss. While you find your way through this just know that your family and friends may be similar to me and mine in that we know well what to do for someone when a spouse dies and their life is turned upside down, but we don't quite know what to do for someone going through a divorce. Enduring the betrayal of the person you trusted for 30 years and losing the friendship you once shared along with the dreams you had for your future gives you cause to grieve. A friend told me that disentangling two lives that have been together so long is something akin to untangling octopi. Painful. Let your family, friends, church family, neighbors, etc. nurture you now. It will make you all feel better! Give yourself time. Understand there will be stages for this grief too.

    It may take a while, but one day you'll notice that you no longer feel like you are free falling but thankfully your feet have finally touched terra firma. It won't feel so scary when you feel you have some control over it again. It may be a righteous anger that helps you find your way back down to earth. You know that no spouse can be the partner they promised and you deserve when involved in a "long term affair." How dare someone treat you like that!!?!! Hard to imagine at the beginning, but some day you will probably feel relief. Most likely the affair was not the only abuse. Hold your head high. You have been a loving wife, mother, and grandmother. You've been honest and faithful. Those are qualities we all search for in the people we want in our lives. You deserve the respect of your loved ones.

    To manage in the meantime, purposely plan routines that change your days. For example, if you've always done something a certain way to celebrate a holiday think carefully about the traditions that you cherish and love, keep those. The routines that remind you of painful times switch up this year. Start making new memories you can treasure. Maybe change the route you take to work. Maybe move the furniture around so your space feels different. Maybe sign up for a class at your local college and take time for yourself to learn something new and interesting to you. Perhaps take a few days and go on a little trip to someplace you've never been before. Paint the living room a dramatically different color. Or, maybe learn a new hobby or craft. Give your mind new things that you choose to think about. Along the way you will meet some new friends who share interests with you and chat about things you are curious about. Your mind will be busy thinking of new possibilities and you just might see things in their life you'll embrace to enrich yours. They'll only see this new you and that will help you to see the new healed you too. You'll turn this page and start a new chapter...and you, well you get to write it and you know how!!

    I think your focus on a healthy life style and using MFP is an incredibly clever idea and a self-nurturing change of routine that most people in the throws of divorce don't figure out. My guess is that you are gracefully going to find your way thorough all this and be far far better off than you could have ever imagined a year ago. Heck, someday you'll most likely celebrate the loss of his 200 pound (??--just guessing here) pound tush from your great life.
    :flowerforyou:
  • slerich
    slerich Posts: 14 Member
    Lavinia2You,

    I'm really sorry for your loss. The loss of your spouse because of a divorce especially one with an affair is hard to take. I personally understand what you are going through. Here is my story in a nutshell.

    Backgroud on me. I started out dating and falling in love with my ex in high school and weighed at my heaviest 238 lbs over 12 years ago. During our 6 years of marriage I decided more mulitple reasons I needed to get my weight and health under control. I hit my goal weight twice now; once before our son and then after. I now float and have been through the divorce in my 10 lb comfort zone of no heavier then 170. My ex started cheating on me this year and then filled for divorce. His first 4 reasons were around the other woman and the 5th was because I worked out. He said he fell out of love with me when I started working out. This is/was really hard for me to take even if it is BS. The person that was suppose to love you till you die, just said since you workout I don't love you anymore. Divorce was final on Oct 23 of this year and slowly moving forward.

    Through my weight loss journey over the years I really learned a lot about myself and why I was so heavy in the past. I learned that i was an emotional eater and turned to food no matter what is was instead of facing the emotions. I don't run from my emotions anymore. I want to some days because the pain is so hurtful but I know I can't. These are things that I have done that help me stay within my comfort zone:

    1. working out-- for the longest time this year it was just walking because he took the love and joy out of working out. Also, I did a lot of reading while I walked on the treadmill.
    2. There are lots of great books out there to help you through this. I wasn't a big reader before this year and have read over 5 books this year. I still have pently sitting at home waiting for me to read. i would suggest - The journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Almost through this one and it really explains the grief you go through during a divorce or a bad breakup or other abandonments.
    3. Keep only healthy food arounds. So if you turn to food it wont have too bad of an affect on you. Keep trigger foods out of the house. I had to get rid of sweet because that is what I was turning to.
    4. Turn and relieve on your friends and family to support you and allow you to vent. Make sure it is a trust worthy person. I have been hurt several times by this too.
    5. You might be able to find and join a support group for divorce. I just joined on called DivorceCare. You can go to their website www.DivorceCare.com to find a church that is offering the classes.
    6. For my the Lord has been a big help for me. I turn to him a lot because I don't know where else to turn.

    I hope this helps and feel free to message/friend me if you want more support. I know I would like the support. :)
  • happysherri
    happysherri Posts: 1,360 Member
    It takes time.

    I went through a divorce and lost about 30 lbs.

    Now is your time. Explore, try new things and possibly reconnect with hobbies you like or new ones. For me i started playing volleyball and art. I stopped doing it all when i was depressed. I got back to me and now im trying new things. Fun

    You will have good days and bad. Dont be too hard on yourself

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