Dieting after an eating disorder: How to do it?

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ninaws
ninaws Posts: 42 Member
Short version:
I spent much of my teens and 20s suffering from an eating disorder but have since recovered. Everything was fine and dandy...then I passed the 35th birthday mark and my metabolism sloooooooowed down. I am now facing the prospect of having to lose a little bit of weight (well, not necessarily change the number on the scale but losing flab and gaining muscle would be ideal) but am ill-equipped as to how to do it since my strategy in the past was simply to not eat. I know about healthy eating in a theoretical sense (lean meats, whole grain carbs, servings of fruits and veggies, avoid processed foods/soda/sugar) but I don't know how that translates into a meal plan that I won't hate. I want this to be a healthy eating lifestyle change, not a miserable thing to just endure until I have reached my goal.

Help?

Long version:
I was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) when I was 19 years old but it was something that I had dealt with since age 14 or so. It most closely resembled Anorexia because I restricted my food intake severely but did not qualify for that specific diagnosis since I wasn't particularly afraid of food/fat and because I was cognizant of being skinny (although there was some body dysmorphia -- while I knew I was skinny, it was a vague notion at best and I -- even to this day -- cannot truly assess my body). At the time of my diagnosis, I was 5'10" and under 110 lbs.; I don't know the exact number because I was so skinny at that point that it was scary even for me and I didn't dare look at the scale. I was admitted to an intensive outpatient eating disorder program (M-F, 8a-4p) and was in and out, up and down, for the next eight years.

If I wasn't afraid of food/fat, then why did I have a problem? For me, it was rooted in my self-esteem. I had none. Due to various events in my early childhood and early teens, I felt I was completely worthless, ugly, dumb, and untalented. I felt I had nothing to offer the world. My friends have always been exceptional people -- extremely bright, extremely interesting, extremely beautiful in all their different ways. I felt so disconnected from them and I often wondered what my place was in the group. And the one thing that I could do, with very little effort , that they seemed to admire was be slim. 'You're so tall! You're so skinny! You're so lucky!' While they did recognize other aspects of myself (I was funny! I was a good artist!), I couldn't accept those sort of praises because that would force me to recognize that I wasn't as worthless as I knew I was. I could not accept praise unless it was destructive. So for years, I didn't eat. I hid food. I threw it away. When my parents started to recognize my problem, they watched me more closely but I still found ways to restrict. I grew thinner and thinner. As I starved myself, I fed my self-hatred. It ruined my college career, it ruined friendships, it ruined relationships, it hurt my family.

I don't know what it was that changed. I guess I was just ready. Ready to stop being miserable and hateful. Ready to do the work. I woke up one morning when I was 28 and thought to myself: this is not the life I want to live. So I started to eat. I made myself eat. Sometimes I would cry through every meal but I made myself do it. The root of the an eating disorder is emotional but you can't recover without eating. You can't just fix your head and then it will suddenly be all better. A starved brain doesn't work right anyway so in the beginning, you have to focus on eating just to get your head clear and functioning properly again. So, I got better. I taught myself how to eat again and I worked on my issues. I found an identity that was just 'That Skinny Girl'. My 30s have been wonderful and I wish I could go back in time and tell 14 year old me how wonderful and special she was.

But now I have a dilemma! My life thus far has fallen into one of two eating categories: all or nothing. When I was sick, I ate nothing. Since I got better, I have basically eaten anything I want. I am not familiar with that magical middle ground called Healthy Eating. Once I passed the 35th year marker, my metabolism has slowed down and the bad food choices that weren't a big deal before now 'stick'. I'm not -too- concerned about slipping into old habits -- as I said, eating disorders are emotional and I am in a good emotional place now. There's no reason to go back to that dark place.

I just don't know the ins and outs of being healthy. Is there anyone who has come from a similar place who wants to give some pointers?

Replies

  • 123456654321
    123456654321 Posts: 1,311 Member
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    Honestly, I'd seek a professional in nutrition about this. It seems like it's rocky territory for you and I would hate to see those tenancies resurface. I'd go to the doctor and tell them everything you just told us. They should refer to you to someone who will help you meet your goals and also keep an eye on you. This way you are not alone.

    Good luck!
  • Angiebug1969
    Angiebug1969 Posts: 152
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    Bless your heart, that's a lot of info to take in!

    Short & sweet... you're in the right place! The tools will help you learn what's healthy for your age, weight, & goals... the support will overwhelmingly lift you up!

    Keep us all posted!!
  • 123456654321
    123456654321 Posts: 1,311 Member
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    Short & sweet... you're in the right place! The tools will help you learn what's healthy for your age, weight, & goals... the support will overwhelmingly lift you up!

    For someone with an ED or history of an ED it may not be as simple as that though. This site is a great tool and the majority of people can use it by themselves with no problem, but with someone who suffers or has suffered from an ED, I think additional help is required.
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
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    I agree with the poster who suggested you work with a nutrition professional to determine a healthy goal and eating plan for yourself...but I absolutely loved what you wrote here:

    "My 30s have been wonderful and I wish I could go back in time and tell 14 year old me how wonderful and special she was."

    Just that you have that awareness and self esteem now, to treat yourself with kindness...speaks volumes about the challenges you've overcome with your eating disorder. I really respect and appreciate that.

    Good luck! I hope you can use the tools on this site as support.

    ~Ellen~
  • eve7166
    eve7166 Posts: 223 Member
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    Thank you for sharing your story. I also agree you should see a nutritionist. They could really help you understand what you should be eating. I really am no help since I have not been in the same situation (i eat too much if anything lol)...but here are a few things you can do...

    1. start to excersice.. it will help tone those flabby parts you speak of and help you not gain weight... also (and im sure it happens to more then just me) it really helps you feel good about yourself when you are working out.. :)

    2. Check to see how many calories you should be eating and try and stick to those. Try not to go under too much what you should be eating. Since you are thin (and if you start to work out) you should be ok.

    3. Eating healthy is tricky. I havent got that part all down yet. BUt one thing I do know works is drink more water and little to no sodas or juices... (even diet sodas have sodium that bloat you), try to eat whole grain bread and pasta and brown rice, and of course you know veggies and fruits, and the rest of the stuff... stay away from fast food..you should be ok! :)
  • callipygianchronicle
    callipygianchronicle Posts: 811 Member
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    Honestly, I'd seek a professional in nutrition about this. It seems like it's rocky territory for you and I would hate to see those tenancies resurface. I'd go to the doctor and tell them everything you just told us. They should refer to you to someone who will help you meet your goals and also keep an eye on you. This way you are not alone.

    Good luck!

    I agree on this. I think you need a professional working with you in this process so that the hurtful habits of the past do not re-emerge when you are dealing day-to-day with weight-loss and calorie counting. There are a lot of triggers out there, even on MFP. And you have to be protective of that part of you that has spent so much time feeling shame and self-hate. Can you even be sure that you need to lose weight? Or are you merely heavier than in the past? Are you able to judge that accurately, now?

    You need someone who can help you map out a healthy and balanced plan for eating and exercise, but whom you can also check in with regularly to make sure you are not moving toward unhealthy tactics and that you are staying in a healthy place mentally.
  • HurricaneJulia
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    I agree that seeing a nutritionist would be a good idea because they would be able to better assess your physical condition and set up a plan accordingly. I too have had a weird relationship to food pretty much as long as I can remember and it definitely makes decisions about your diet difficult. I went the simple route and basically eat fruits/vegetables with some beans, rice, and nuts. I feel great and it's actually easier than getting super detailed into the calorie counting because I can eat whatever I want and usually as much as I want. Though this approach wouldn't be for everyone, of course.
  • juliapurpletoes
    juliapurpletoes Posts: 951 Member
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    Hi :flowerforyou: Yes I've been in this place and now am back! Congratulations on all the hard work it ook to recover and move forward, it is not easy, and I know it!

    coupla thoughts:

    Exercise: focus mainly on weight strengthening, then cardio for heart health, not so much fat loss...Growing and building strong muscles will take care of burning excess fat. So think muscles!!

    Nutrition: so many things to try - you could study up and make a healthy food plan, just reading about it here and on other sites, you could consult a nutrtionist to help you develop it using foods that you like that area also good for you.

    So many of us who lived through eating disorders had to be new experts of sorts on great nutrtion and exercise, it gives us a powerful sense of ourselves...... I think you can too!

    You've come this far beautifully, again congrats and much success to you :heart:
  • MrzHen
    MrzHen Posts: 1
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    First I want to commend you for being strong enough to share your personal story. You may never know how many lives you touch by giving such a heartfelt testimony. I agree with the person who suggested seeking professional help. I personally believe that eating disorders "may" be a chemical imbalance, like depression. Wishing you the best of luck!!!
  • Shamrock40
    Shamrock40 Posts: 264
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    I concur with the nutritionist consult. Something else you may end up learning, which would be a benefit, is what the actual chemical components of food do for and to your body. Certain foods are obviously better for you than others, but you can have too much of a good thing. You have already retrained yourself and your eating habits once, you can modify them slightly with healthier foods, and add some strength training to build lean muscle mass.

    Thank you for sharing your personal story. I have a sister-in-law who has taken some steps towards recovery from over 10 years of anorexia. She was married about 2.5 years ago, and since she met her fiance, she seems to have done much better. But sometimes it's still touch-and-go.

    Good luck and God Bless!
  • ninaws
    ninaws Posts: 42 Member
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    Thanks for all the feedback and support! I'm going to start meeting weekly with a trainer soon and he is going to help me with my nutrition and meal planning in addition to helping me work out. Do you think that is enough? Or should I seek out a nutritionist specifically as well? I've told my trainer that I had an eating disorder for years so he's already aware of my history.
  • 123456654321
    123456654321 Posts: 1,311 Member
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    Thanks for all the feedback and support! I'm going to start meeting weekly with a trainer soon and he is going to help me with my nutrition and meal planning in addition to helping me work out. Do you think that is enough? Or should I seek out a nutritionist specifically as well? I've told my trainer that I had an eating disorder for years so he's already aware of my history.

    *Shrug* I don't see it hurting to cover all your bases. Most personal trainers probably don't have a lot of knowledge or experiance with eating disorders so in my opinion, it would be a good idea to also consult a professional.

    Again, good luck! I wish the very best for you. I think you are awesome for all that you have overcome thus far.
  • brineyyy
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    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story! This really resonates with me because I also have suffered from EDNOS--although I have not sought professional treatment. I'm struggling with a similar problem. I've lost almost 70 pounds so far, and "ideally" (probably the disease talking) I would like to lose 23 more pounds to get to my "ultimate goal", although for 5'7, 143 is pretty normal but 120 would be great. I've been eating low-carb, no dairy for the last three months since I've stopped starving myself and have had slow progress with this way of eating. I'm happy because I'm building muscle and losing the "skinny fat" appearance I got from my starvation efforts.

    However, the problem comes when deviating from my new lifestyle. My birthday was two and a half weeks ago, where I treated myself to gluten free cake (I have Celiac) and gelato, and even indulged on a few frappuccinos. I started to weigh myself every day again, and have recently noticed my old habits creeping up on me. The day before yesterday, I only ate 150 calories. I've checked myself before I wrecked myself, however, and realized that low-carb (though not completely dairy free) negotiates my need to not gain any weight while still feeling satisfied on meat, vegetables, some fruit and moderate dairy. I'm conflicted though, because I've read that in order to FULLY recover, no eating restriction should be in place and intuitive eating should be utilized. Through this little slip, I've realized that I'm not actually as recovered as I thought I was, and it will take a LOT of time to finally be completely okay and worry-free when it comes to all food, not just the "safe" low-carb lifestyle.

    I don't have all the answers, but from my experience, eating whole foods and listening to your body are the way to go. Respect your body's need for food, and separate feelings from food as much as you can. I used to "treat" myself to "forbidden" food, but that all has to go out the window to stay sane. Now, when I eat I try to think of it as nourishment for my energy needs. I try to eliminate the word "diet" from my vocabulary.

    Good luck!