How to cope when others aren't on a weight loss journey?
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Jericha1992
Posts: 80 Member
So my boyfriend and I had a long bout of passive aggression where we ignored each other for like four hours. Even cleaned the kitchen together, but didn't say a word. The reason? Dinner.
He loves food. He claims to value food more than people, and he loves to cook for others. He's even a good cook. The trouble is, he cooks by taste, never measures anything, and deep fries just about everything. When I started my journey, we were in it together (he has an even higher BMI than I do). But after he lost about 10 pounds, he kind of fell off the bandwagon.
I, however, am rather particular about my tracking. It's the only thing to keep me accountable, and the only thing which has ever worked for me. My net goal is only 1240, so I don't have a lot of wiggle room.
He was getting very excited and wanted to cook something new for dinner. But everything he suggested sounded either a) disgusting or b) highly caloric. I told him honestly that I was kind of indifferent, and that I didn't get super excited about food the way I used to. At one suggestion, I believe I said it sounded like it would, "make me gain 40 pounds." Hyperbolic? Definitely. Unnecessary? Probably a little. Anyway, it did not go over well.
Four hours later, we've finally broken the silence, and had an argument about how I'm becoming one of those people he used to make fun of for being so weight loss obsessed. He told me that food is VERY important to him (which I already knew), and that it upset him when I didn't want to do backflips from the excitement of recipe ideas. Meanwhile, I'm equally frustrated that I feel like I'm under a barrage of sabotage all the time, and that the person who should be supporting me most is getting upset over my goals.
And yes, I suggested he try to find some healthy, low calorie recipes, to which he responds he "doesn't know how" to cook healthily. I've thrown every logical argument I have at that, but at this point, I think he just wants to win.
We're going to HAVE to find a happy medium between his foodie and my fat loss. But right now, I'm so frustrated.
He loves food. He claims to value food more than people, and he loves to cook for others. He's even a good cook. The trouble is, he cooks by taste, never measures anything, and deep fries just about everything. When I started my journey, we were in it together (he has an even higher BMI than I do). But after he lost about 10 pounds, he kind of fell off the bandwagon.
I, however, am rather particular about my tracking. It's the only thing to keep me accountable, and the only thing which has ever worked for me. My net goal is only 1240, so I don't have a lot of wiggle room.
He was getting very excited and wanted to cook something new for dinner. But everything he suggested sounded either a) disgusting or b) highly caloric. I told him honestly that I was kind of indifferent, and that I didn't get super excited about food the way I used to. At one suggestion, I believe I said it sounded like it would, "make me gain 40 pounds." Hyperbolic? Definitely. Unnecessary? Probably a little. Anyway, it did not go over well.
Four hours later, we've finally broken the silence, and had an argument about how I'm becoming one of those people he used to make fun of for being so weight loss obsessed. He told me that food is VERY important to him (which I already knew), and that it upset him when I didn't want to do backflips from the excitement of recipe ideas. Meanwhile, I'm equally frustrated that I feel like I'm under a barrage of sabotage all the time, and that the person who should be supporting me most is getting upset over my goals.
And yes, I suggested he try to find some healthy, low calorie recipes, to which he responds he "doesn't know how" to cook healthily. I've thrown every logical argument I have at that, but at this point, I think he just wants to win.
We're going to HAVE to find a happy medium between his foodie and my fat loss. But right now, I'm so frustrated.
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Replies
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It's very, very difficult when you are the only one on a weight loss journey. And not feeling supported by the people who are closer to you makes even more difficult.
I believe you're going to have to talk to him and let him know how not having him by your side is making you feel. If he understands why this is important for you, how much you want him to be a part of it and how sad you feel because he doesn't have your back, then he could start changing the way he sees it. Cooking when on a "diet" doesn't have to be boring. Maybe you can find a couple of healthy, fun and yummy recipes for him and make them together.
Sounds like a huge cliche, but communication is key if you really want to succeed.0 -
My husband is a very picky eater and eats a ton of junk food. I try to eat healthy as much as possible.
Most nights, we eat different things for dinner. He would be extremely unhappy if he had to eat my "healthy" food every night, and I would be extremely fat if I ate the way he prefers. It's just easier for each of us to do our own thing.
Now that I'm maintaining, I do allow myself some treats and cheats on the weekends. I'll usually bake something on Saturdays, and we'll usually have some junky football food on Sundays.
Keep your eyes on your own prize. Eventually, you'll be able to up your calories a bit and enjoy a few treats. He can still cook and enjoy his own food.0 -
Four hours later, we've finally broken the silence, and had an argument about how I'm becoming one of those people he used to make fun of for being so weight loss obsessed. He told me that food is VERY important to him (which I already knew), and that it upset him when I didn't want to do backflips from the excitement of recipe ideas.
Food being "important" is not an excuse for poor eating habits! Nobody loves food more than I do - hell, I moved to the countryside so I could raise my own free-range bacon....errr, pigs....and chickens. That does not mean I get to abdicate responsibility for what I eat.
I wish both of you all the best - the two of you have some important conversations and self-reflection and decisions ahead of you!0 -
My husband does all the cooking and tends to veer towards the unhealthy - lots of meat (pork belly, ribs and chicken wings are hits favourites) and roasted potatoes and chips - not a lot of greens. I've had to learn to eat just a little of these not to go over my calorie goals, and at the same time, hubby is accommodating me by preparing more vegetables. You can make it work, but it's all about compromise and communication. Good luck.0
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I'm in a similar position with my boyfriend because he is actually trying to gain weight while I am trying to lose, but he is very supportive. We cook together often, but I pick out most of the recipes. I try and pick things he will enjoy but find recipes that are low-calorie and healthy enough for me. Cooking together can also be a fun bonding activity! You can also make meals together, but do variations on them. For example, on Monday, we made a stir-fried some vegetables in olive oil with balsamic vinegar. I put mine on top of a whole wheat pita with hummus and he had his with tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, and mozzarella cheese on a whole wheat pizza crust.0
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Sounds like a bit of a power struggle between you and this feeder over what should go into your stomach. There can only be one winner and it has to be you. *narrows eyes*
Eating is not something that happens by committee ('Oooh let's have a starter AND a pudding, shall we?'). It's your choice what you eat and yours alone. Stay calm, stay focused, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Sandwich it with niceness, he'll soon cave.
ALSO - re his attempts to control. Sometimes men sabotage weight loss cos they're terrified you'll get slim and go for an upgrade. It's usually about how things impact on THEM.
love hildegard@imnotbitter.com x0 -
He values food more than people? And he says that out loud? And people are all, "lol cool."??0
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First, I empathize with you. You're in a tough situation.
Second, I'm the cook in my family, and I call BS on the claim that your BF "doesn't know how" to cook healthy food. He can learn. It's not that hard. Get one or two of Jane Brody's books (I like the "Good Food Gourmet") and a vegan cookbook or two. I sometimes cook stuff that is loaded with cream and butter, but I cook a lot of low-fat and vegan food, especially since one of my good friends became vegan. The vegan food is just as satisfying (what's not to love about braised lentils with carrots, onions, and celery, seasoned with smoked Spanish paprika?). If he can't live without meat, tell him that he can learn to use it as a seasoning. Hoppin' John, properly done, is beans and rice, with a little ham or bacon for flavor. It's heavenly.
Maybe if you present it as a challenge to his cooking skills, he'll come on board.
Third, though, there's portion control. You can lose weight eating almost anything if you don't eat too much of it. And one advantage of fat-rich foods is that they can leave you feeling full for a long time. Maybe you can reach a compromise where he learns to cook some nutrient- and fiber-rich, calorie-poor foods (Indian cuisine is good; look at Madhur Jaffrey's books), and you limit your portions when he feels like chicken-fried steak.
Good luck!0 -
ALSO - re his attempts to control. Sometimes men sabotage weight loss cos they're terrified you'll get slim and go for an upgrade. It's usually about how things impact on THEM.
Ruh-roh. Watch out, boys, this one's got us sussed. :laugh:
Kidding aside, this poster said explicitly what I was only brave enough to allude to. Maybe it's like this, maybe not, but it's always a good idea to...well, consider possibilities.0 -
My husband is a very picky eater and eats a ton of junk food. I try to eat healthy as much as possible.
Most nights, we eat different things for dinner. He would be extremely unhappy if he had to eat my "healthy" food every night, and I would be extremely fat if I ate the way he prefers. It's just easier for each of us to do our own thing.
I do this very same thing. Tonight, I made hubby and daughter home made chicken tenders and broccoli. I had pasta with sauted chicken, peppers and a dab of pesto. A lot of times, I'll do the cook once, eat all week thing with my dinners/lunches and just make them something for dinner.0 -
ALSO - re his attempts to control. Sometimes men sabotage weight loss cos they're terrified you'll get slim and go for an upgrade. It's usually about how things impact on THEM.
Ruh-roh. Watch out, boys, this one's got us sussed. :laugh:
Kidding aside, this poster said explicitly what I was only brave enough to allude to. Maybe it's like this, maybe not, but it's always a good idea to...well, consider possibilities.
Risky post there, Mr Knight... you know you can actually get kicked out of the Boy's Club for admitting to stuff like that.
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Maybe you could look at what he wants to make for dinner, and then figure out a low calorie option. Fried chicken? Try it baked (I crush ritz on it to make it feel like crispy). Pizza? Get low calorie cheese, and make yours on lite English muffins.0
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ALSO - re his attempts to control. Sometimes men sabotage weight loss cos they're terrified you'll get slim and go for an upgrade. It's usually about how things impact on THEM.
Ruh-roh. Watch out, boys, this one's got us sussed. :laugh:
Kidding aside, this poster said explicitly what I was only brave enough to allude to. Maybe it's like this, maybe not, but it's always a good idea to...well, consider possibilities.
Risky post there, Mr Knight... you know you can actually get kicked out of the Boy's Club for admitting to stuff like that.
What can I say? By the second bottle of the evening, I'm a selfless beacon of light in a world gone dark with madness....
:drinker:0 -
My husband is a very picky eater and eats a ton of junk food. I try to eat healthy as much as possible.
Most nights, we eat different things for dinner. He would be extremely unhappy if he had to eat my "healthy" food every night, and I would be extremely fat if I ate the way he prefers. It's just easier for each of us to do our own thing.
Same at my house. We each make our own meals and eat at the same time to still have the family aspect of meal time. He eats his crap, I eat something full of vegetables, and we share a conversation. Everybody wins.0 -
If he's a foodie who cooks and you knew that from the start, have a bite of what's he's made and oooh and aaaah over what a great dish he worked hard on, or tell which ingredients don't work, etc. Then have your own dinner.
I loved cooking and have an ex who preferred boxed mac n cheese for dinner. We met in a restaurant where we talked about the ingredients and recipes all the time (good friends with the chef), so it's not like it was news to him that I enjoyed that sort of thing. He did, too. So he'd try my dishes but not necessarily feel like that for dinner or whatever. That's cool.
When we tried to split the cooking, it went horribly, as you might imagine
So we did our own thing, but we were both polite about it. He tried my dinners and gave his opinion on my recipes, and I reheated his leftover mac n cheese for him, too, if he was busy 0 -
I commend you for keeping on track. Clearly it’s a tough road for your BF and I can understand that.
He enjoys cooking and eating and obviously loves to share that with you but now that you aren’t on the same road as he is probably feeling a bit lost.
Perhaps one compromise could be you both enjoy one meal he makes on the weekend? You can’t make him get back on track that is his decision, like someone wanting to stop smoking. But you are looking after yourself which is great! He might be feeling a little insecure that you will be more noticeable to other guys. If you value this relationship find the things you have in common and enjoy them together as you both obviously did with food.
Good food doesn’t always have to be low calorie a great dish isn’t 2 or 3 portions but good flavour perhaps a challenge for him would be to mimic a Michelin star chef ‘s recipes. That’s something to look forward to on a Saturday night. If you find one meal a week is affecting your weight lose maybe make it less often or a little more exercise through the week. I’m not saying it’s all on you just saying sometimes it’s not all about weight but relationships that we need a little give and take and working on. Before anyone jumps down my throat, yes your BF needs to understand your needs as well and support you to. I told my husband to cook for himself if he wasn’t going to eat what I cook lol. But then again I do all the cooking.
Relationships aren’t always perfect it’s just a matter of both finding that balance and putting each other first at the sometime looking after you.
He may like food more than people but hopefully he likes you more than food.
Edit: read your bio and I'm really proud of you for what you are doing! I wish I realised that when I was younger. Now is the time honey don't waste your life wanting to be just be who you want to be. You can do this. All the very best.0 -
I think sometimes people feel insecure when they aren't losing weight too. For example, when I even talk to my mom about my weight loss, she's generally really supportive but also a little bit defensive too. I'm not saying anything about her weight, but it's a sensitive topic for her as an overweight individual. It's almost like a guilty reaction, where hearing about the weight loss reminds the other person about an issue they're probably very sensitive about as well. Regardless, you are the one in charge of your body. No matter what anyone says, you need to be able to put yourself and weight loss first. I think that finding compromises like trying his food and portioning calories to have some here and there are great steps to meet in the middle as he adjusts to the changes in your lifestyle.0
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After a second hashing it out with him, it appears that it was less a matter of what we were having for dinner, and more a matter of me being dismissive of something important to him. He DOES value food a lot. He thought about going to school for culinary, and still considers changing his major from time to time.
Most nights, we do just cook for ourselves, but he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me. He says that the way I shot it down was hurtful.
I honestly don't believe the issue is with my weight loss, but about the loss of a bonding activity between the two of us. When we started dating (and indeed, until about 2 months ago), I was just as much a foodie as he is. New recipes and delicious food was something to bond over, and I think he's afraid to lose that.
We ended up just picking a regular (non-diet-friendly) recipe and making it together. When it's finished, I just plan to have a small portion and a large salad. I won't be able to log it properly, but I'll get over it. Next step: finding some challenging low-cal recipes for him to make!0 -
Maybe find a healthy cooking class? But still good tasty food? That you guys can do together? So you get your healthy, and he gets his cooking. Like a compromise and a way to re-connect?0
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It's good that he told you what was really up. But I hope you REALLY explained to him YOUR feelings that the reason why you weren't 'over the moon' was because you feel like he wasn't being supportive just like he felt like you weren't being supportive of him. And honestly, if he did want to go to culinary school because it's his passion that is GREAT. But he needs to be aware that in the modern world we are in now, a LOT of restaurants and food places are moving to healthier options and don't just cook by taste or feel -- they need the nutritional info not only for cals and fats etc., but for food allergens. So while food may be his passion, if he truly wants to be a fantastic cook, he needs to learn how to cook not just over the top 'guilty' foods but also great tasting healthier options. Because that is the sign of a GREAT chef who can take simple things and make them FANTASTIC just by doing it right. Gordon Ramsey is a prime example of this. He can take a few simple veg, a good meat, and some seasoning and BAM -- mouth watering! I know you may think it really isn't about your relationship and he really is all about the food, but there is an underlying current there of more. Maybe if you can keep talking and find a way to get it across that you love him, you love his food and that you have faith not only in it but the relationship, then it will all come together. Good luck, OP! I wish you good food and happiness!
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