How to cope when others aren't on a weight loss journey?

Options
245

Replies

  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    Options
    My husband eats like crap and i'm on a calorie allowance on a website but he is so supportive of my program..... he was the one with me when i was asked when my baby was due and i'm not pregnant. I think that is what made him understand. I would follow my plan and he would have to get used to it........
  • godsgrl33
    godsgrl33 Posts: 307 Member
    Options
    I had this happen to me, but not with my husband. We had my brother and sister-in-law move in with us for about 6 months, and he cooked most nights. He made things like chicken and dumplings, honey-glazed ham, cheesy potatoes, you name it. Anything fattening, he made. I simply had a smaller portion, and had a large salad with it. I also ate a lot of fruits and veggies throughout the day, so I didn't overeat. This way, I didn't hurt his feelings by not eating what he made, I was able to enjoy food that I love, and I also filled my belly. The other option would be to make dinner yourself, in a healthier way.
  • Ignaura
    Ignaura Posts: 203 Member
    Options
    He values food more than people? And he says that out loud? And people are all, "lol cool."??

    I choose food over people anytime. Love food, hate people.
  • Daisychain65
    Daisychain65 Posts: 161 Member
    Options
    For some people cooking is a way of showing they care, a nurturing thing so don't assume he's just being difficult he might feel he is having his role down graded. You could point out to him that if you developed a food allergy or illness that prevented you from eating certain food he would almost certainly adapt his cooking around it, this is really no different, you are trying to do something that will help prevent you having health issues.
  • gigglesinthesun
    gigglesinthesun Posts: 860 Member
    Options
    So my boyfriend and I had a long bout of passive aggression where we ignored each other for like four hours. Even cleaned the kitchen together, but didn't say a word. The reason? Dinner.

    He loves food. He claims to value food more than people, and he loves to cook for others. He's even a good cook. The trouble is, he cooks by taste, never measures anything, and deep fries just about everything. When I started my journey, we were in it together (he has an even higher BMI than I do). But after he lost about 10 pounds, he kind of fell off the bandwagon.

    I, however, am rather particular about my tracking. It's the only thing to keep me accountable, and the only thing which has ever worked for me. My net goal is only 1240, so I don't have a lot of wiggle room.

    He was getting very excited and wanted to cook something new for dinner. But everything he suggested sounded either a) disgusting or b) highly caloric. I told him honestly that I was kind of indifferent, and that I didn't get super excited about food the way I used to. At one suggestion, I believe I said it sounded like it would, "make me gain 40 pounds." Hyperbolic? Definitely. Unnecessary? Probably a little. Anyway, it did not go over well.

    Four hours later, we've finally broken the silence, and had an argument about how I'm becoming one of those people he used to make fun of for being so weight loss obsessed. He told me that food is VERY important to him (which I already knew), and that it upset him when I didn't want to do backflips from the excitement of recipe ideas. Meanwhile, I'm equally frustrated that I feel like I'm under a barrage of sabotage all the time, and that the person who should be supporting me most is getting upset over my goals.

    And yes, I suggested he try to find some healthy, low calorie recipes, to which he responds he "doesn't know how" to cook healthily. I've thrown every logical argument I have at that, but at this point, I think he just wants to win.

    We're going to HAVE to find a happy medium between his foodie and my fat loss. But right now, I'm so frustrated.

    How come your net goal is so low, when you still have 79lbs to lose? I mean I am 5ft, 120lbs and have 1350.
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    Options
    So my boyfriend and I had a long bout of passive aggression where we ignored each other for like four hours. Even cleaned the kitchen together, but didn't say a word. The reason? Dinner.

    He loves food. He claims to value food more than people, and he loves to cook for others. He's even a good cook. The trouble is, he cooks by taste, never measures anything, and deep fries just about everything. When I started my journey, we were in it together (he has an even higher BMI than I do). But after he lost about 10 pounds, he kind of fell off the bandwagon.

    I, however, am rather particular about my tracking. It's the only thing to keep me accountable, and the only thing which has ever worked for me. My net goal is only 1240, so I don't have a lot of wiggle room.

    He was getting very excited and wanted to cook something new for dinner. But everything he suggested sounded either a) disgusting or b) highly caloric. I told him honestly that I was kind of indifferent, and that I didn't get super excited about food the way I used to. At one suggestion, I believe I said it sounded like it would, "make me gain 40 pounds." Hyperbolic? Definitely. Unnecessary? Probably a little. Anyway, it did not go over well.

    Four hours later, we've finally broken the silence, and had an argument about how I'm becoming one of those people he used to make fun of for being so weight loss obsessed. He told me that food is VERY important to him (which I already knew), and that it upset him when I didn't want to do backflips from the excitement of recipe ideas. Meanwhile, I'm equally frustrated that I feel like I'm under a barrage of sabotage all the time, and that the person who should be supporting me most is getting upset over my goals.

    And yes, I suggested he try to find some healthy, low calorie recipes, to which he responds he "doesn't know how" to cook healthily. I've thrown every logical argument I have at that, but at this point, I think he just wants to win.

    We're going to HAVE to find a happy medium between his foodie and my fat loss. But right now, I'm so frustrated.

    You and your boyfriend have what's called a boundary problem. He is not you and you are not him. You are not one person joined at the hip. You are two separate people. You have the right to decide what you are going to eat and how you are going to treat your body. The two of you need to step back, allow the other person to be who they are, and treat each other with respect. The best relationships work when one person tries to understand the goals and dreams of the other person and is supportive. Tell him you are asking for respect and support to become a healthier person.

    Your boyfriend can satisfy his creative need to make delicious food by volunteering to cook one meal a month/week (whatever fits his schedule and budget - the cooks usually buy the food) for a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. These places depend on volunteers to keep them going. I would find some names and phone numbers and tell him that would be a great creative outlet for him. A lot of people do this, either in teams to save money or sometimes as individuals. The people who eat the food will be very appreciative. All he has to do is call one of those places for information and say he's interested in volunteering to cook.
  • Allterrain_Lady
    Allterrain_Lady Posts: 421 Member
    Options
    My boyfriend eats crappy food all the time, he doesn't put on weight. LIKE NEVER! It's upsetting, but not the point.
    We almost never eat the same things for dinner; he doesn"t like it very much but there no choice here.
    I would be 350lbs if I ate what he eats.
    One solution we found is, when we want to share a dinner, I cook and twist things.

    For example, last time I made spaghetti with shrimps and coconut milk/ginger sauce.
    I weighted everything I was supposed to eat. That was my share. 100g of spaghettis, 80ml of coconut milk and 90g of shrimps.
    I used two pans to cook the spaghettis (so I would know exactly what I'm eating), fried his shrimps, not mine (I've bought them pre-cooked, so I just to get them warm) and made him a HUGE plate.
    We had dinner together.

    Believe me, the easiest solution, is this. Thinks about what you can eat and add everything he wants in it!!
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    Options
    My partner is a chef, and a good one at that, so I do understand where you are coming from. It took him a while to get his head round it but over the years I have managed to find a lot of healthy yet tasty recipes - to be honest you wouldn't know most of it is low calorie.

    If your partner is really interested in food, between the two of you try and find and make some recipes that are healthy. It could be a new challenge for him, and you get the best of both worlds. Food doesn't have to be full of oil and salt and deep fried to taste good.

    If he really isn't prepared to compromise, then you need to do this alone. You can't stop your weight loss because he won't budge, but at the same time, he shouldn't be expected to change for you, either. Cook separate meals.

    I do think you need to sit down and have an adult conversation with him, explain that you aren't 'obsessed' but you are doing this for your health. It does sound like he has an odd relationship with food, however. It should be fun and it should be enjoyed, but not to the point where it's causing arguments.
  • Hildy_J
    Hildy_J Posts: 1,050 Member
    Options
    he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me.

    What a crock! "Eat this or reject me AND my art". YCNMIU. Dude's playing the victim so you do what HE wants.
  • xmysterix
    xmysterix Posts: 114 Member
    Options
    I am a total foodie. FGS I'm studying to be a social researcher of FOOD! :) Loving food is the BEST excuse for him to learn new cuisines and techniques. He's being stubborn and doesn't truly enjoy cooking for others if he's only cooking things he will enjoy. However, you should also remember that plenty of countries with healthy diets enjoy full-cream foods, cheese, fried things, etc. It won't kill you in moderation. The nights that he cooks and makes a big, rich fiesta, can you make yourself a giant salad and just have a small portion of what he's made? Maybe that'd be a good compromise.
  • jopko
    jopko Posts: 11
    Options
    lol, a person who claims to be a foodie and values food more than people wouldn't deep fry everything
  • jolancy
    jolancy Posts: 26 Member
    Options
    It's not easy when you're the one that's sticking to your healthy eating plan to reach your goals and he's fallen off the wagon! Perhaps this is also part of the issue?

    A lot of the others have suggested helpful tips to try and reach a compromise (weekly foodie nights, eating smaller portions etc), the other suggestion I have would be to try and get hold of the Hairy Dieters cook books as they are brilliant! They've basically tweaked normal recipes to make them more healthy - I use a lot of the recipes for our dinners, hubby didn't even notice anything different when I made low-cal versions of some of our favourite meals!! Perhaps reading these books would help hubby see how he can alter his recipes without compromising on the flavours?

    Best of luck
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Options
    I'd tell them you really appreciate his cooking but that you'd like him to cook healthier meals. Tell him you're serious about this. I'd think if he liked cooking as much as he says he does, he'd appreciate the challenge. In the meantime, I'd probably make my own meals.
  • gatorginger
    gatorginger Posts: 947 Member
    Options
    After a second hashing it out with him, it appears that it was less a matter of what we were having for dinner, and more a matter of me being dismissive of something important to him. He DOES value food a lot. He thought about going to school for culinary, and still considers changing his major from time to time.

    Most nights, we do just cook for ourselves, but he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me. He says that the way I shot it down was hurtful.

    I honestly don't believe the issue is with my weight loss, but about the loss of a bonding activity between the two of us. When we started dating (and indeed, until about 2 months ago), I was just as much a foodie as he is. New recipes and delicious food was something to bond over, and I think he's afraid to lose that.

    We ended up just picking a regular (non-diet-friendly) recipe and making it together. When it's finished, I just plan to have a small portion and a large salad. I won't be able to log it properly, but I'll get over it. Next step: finding some challenging low-cal recipes for him to make!

    Sounds like he really wants your opinion on the food he makes, he probablly enjoys the compliments on how good it is. What I would suggest is make your own food but take a bite of one he makes and rave about it so it helps his ego. If he wants to be a chef it is very understandable. I would also look for some healthy recipies for him to try making for yall. If he doesn't want to make them then you will have to do it. Main thing if you give in then you will add the pounds on for sure so you need to make sure he understands that staying healthy is just as important to you as his need to cook foods he loves. Compromise is always the answer to any problem, it's coming up with the solution that will solve it so you really got to think it through and figure out the solution that will work for both of you.
  • KeViN_v2pt0
    KeViN_v2pt0 Posts: 375 Member
    Options
    He deep fries nearly everything? Hes not a cook.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
    Options
    There are a lot of really wonderful recipes that meet both your goals. You should still be able to enjoy food while losing weight. The Abs Diet cookbook is wonderful. A lot of my friends love skinnytaste.com. Maybe you could find some recipes you both could enjoy?
  • mkmitch3
    mkmitch3 Posts: 19 Member
    Options
    My suggestion would find a couple of really good cooking books with the emphasis on Mediterranean and/or low carb ( I am type 2 and use a great diabetes cookbook with great tasting recipes). If he really enjoys the taste of food and cooking he should react like the proverbial kid in the candy store. If not then there are other things at work here.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,306 Member
    Options
    You did a good job standing your ground. Keep doing that. You can't let your boyfriend keep you overweight for his selfish reasons. It is not right and it seems you already get that. This one issue.."food".. is just one of many in a relationship..if you give him the right to keep you unhealthy and overweight you set dire precedent that he runs you and the relationship.

    Cook your own food.. and also know that husbands/boyfriends and family are the ones who try to sabotage weight loss. You are best not to talk about it all the time or announce how much you've lost.. just quietly go about your life and do this for you.
  • maracuya23
    maracuya23 Posts: 122
    Options
    Challenge him to perfect roast chicken. And sauces. Definitely art from his perspective, and still quite healthy for you to enjoy, especially if you serve your own portions of sauce. Plus, he can make stock with the carcass, and that is a great springboard for all kinds of richly-flavored but still low cal soups.

    I also second the Madhur Jaffrey recommendation- so many amazing fresh recipes loaded with flavor for not a ton of calories.
  • elsyoommen
    elsyoommen Posts: 155 Member
    Options
    After a second hashing it out with him, it appears that it was less a matter of what we were having for dinner, and more a matter of me being dismissive of something important to him. He DOES value food a lot. He thought about going to school for culinary, and still considers changing his major from time to time.

    Most nights, we do just cook for ourselves, but he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me. He says that the way I shot it down was hurtful.

    I honestly don't believe the issue is with my weight loss, but about the loss of a bonding activity between the two of us. When we started dating (and indeed, until about 2 months ago), I was just as much a foodie as he is. New recipes and delicious food was something to bond over, and I think he's afraid to lose that.

    We ended up just picking a regular (non-diet-friendly) recipe and making it together. When it's finished, I just plan to have a small portion and a large salad. I won't be able to log it properly, but I'll get over it. Next step: finding some challenging low-cal recipes for him to make!

    Hey you can still log it properly - why don't you volunteer to do the weighing and measuring and recording for him when you cook together. then you can record the info as a recipe in mfp and your portion as one serving. Even if he is making up a new recipe or changing a recipe he found you can still volunteer to record the info. He should appreciate this since he will have a log of his artistic creations, along with what worked and what didn't so that he can continually improve his art. This is how chefs develop their own recipes.

Categories