How to cope when others aren't on a weight loss journey?
Replies
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lol, a person who claims to be a foodie and values food more than people wouldn't deep fry everything0
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It's not easy when you're the one that's sticking to your healthy eating plan to reach your goals and he's fallen off the wagon! Perhaps this is also part of the issue?
A lot of the others have suggested helpful tips to try and reach a compromise (weekly foodie nights, eating smaller portions etc), the other suggestion I have would be to try and get hold of the Hairy Dieters cook books as they are brilliant! They've basically tweaked normal recipes to make them more healthy - I use a lot of the recipes for our dinners, hubby didn't even notice anything different when I made low-cal versions of some of our favourite meals!! Perhaps reading these books would help hubby see how he can alter his recipes without compromising on the flavours?
Best of luck0 -
I'd tell them you really appreciate his cooking but that you'd like him to cook healthier meals. Tell him you're serious about this. I'd think if he liked cooking as much as he says he does, he'd appreciate the challenge. In the meantime, I'd probably make my own meals.0
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After a second hashing it out with him, it appears that it was less a matter of what we were having for dinner, and more a matter of me being dismissive of something important to him. He DOES value food a lot. He thought about going to school for culinary, and still considers changing his major from time to time.
Most nights, we do just cook for ourselves, but he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me. He says that the way I shot it down was hurtful.
I honestly don't believe the issue is with my weight loss, but about the loss of a bonding activity between the two of us. When we started dating (and indeed, until about 2 months ago), I was just as much a foodie as he is. New recipes and delicious food was something to bond over, and I think he's afraid to lose that.
We ended up just picking a regular (non-diet-friendly) recipe and making it together. When it's finished, I just plan to have a small portion and a large salad. I won't be able to log it properly, but I'll get over it. Next step: finding some challenging low-cal recipes for him to make!
Sounds like he really wants your opinion on the food he makes, he probablly enjoys the compliments on how good it is. What I would suggest is make your own food but take a bite of one he makes and rave about it so it helps his ego. If he wants to be a chef it is very understandable. I would also look for some healthy recipies for him to try making for yall. If he doesn't want to make them then you will have to do it. Main thing if you give in then you will add the pounds on for sure so you need to make sure he understands that staying healthy is just as important to you as his need to cook foods he loves. Compromise is always the answer to any problem, it's coming up with the solution that will solve it so you really got to think it through and figure out the solution that will work for both of you.0 -
He deep fries nearly everything? Hes not a cook.0
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There are a lot of really wonderful recipes that meet both your goals. You should still be able to enjoy food while losing weight. The Abs Diet cookbook is wonderful. A lot of my friends love skinnytaste.com. Maybe you could find some recipes you both could enjoy?0
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My suggestion would find a couple of really good cooking books with the emphasis on Mediterranean and/or low carb ( I am type 2 and use a great diabetes cookbook with great tasting recipes). If he really enjoys the taste of food and cooking he should react like the proverbial kid in the candy store. If not then there are other things at work here.0
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You did a good job standing your ground. Keep doing that. You can't let your boyfriend keep you overweight for his selfish reasons. It is not right and it seems you already get that. This one issue.."food".. is just one of many in a relationship..if you give him the right to keep you unhealthy and overweight you set dire precedent that he runs you and the relationship.
Cook your own food.. and also know that husbands/boyfriends and family are the ones who try to sabotage weight loss. You are best not to talk about it all the time or announce how much you've lost.. just quietly go about your life and do this for you.0 -
Challenge him to perfect roast chicken. And sauces. Definitely art from his perspective, and still quite healthy for you to enjoy, especially if you serve your own portions of sauce. Plus, he can make stock with the carcass, and that is a great springboard for all kinds of richly-flavored but still low cal soups.
I also second the Madhur Jaffrey recommendation- so many amazing fresh recipes loaded with flavor for not a ton of calories.0 -
After a second hashing it out with him, it appears that it was less a matter of what we were having for dinner, and more a matter of me being dismissive of something important to him. He DOES value food a lot. He thought about going to school for culinary, and still considers changing his major from time to time.
Most nights, we do just cook for ourselves, but he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me. He says that the way I shot it down was hurtful.
I honestly don't believe the issue is with my weight loss, but about the loss of a bonding activity between the two of us. When we started dating (and indeed, until about 2 months ago), I was just as much a foodie as he is. New recipes and delicious food was something to bond over, and I think he's afraid to lose that.
We ended up just picking a regular (non-diet-friendly) recipe and making it together. When it's finished, I just plan to have a small portion and a large salad. I won't be able to log it properly, but I'll get over it. Next step: finding some challenging low-cal recipes for him to make!
Hey you can still log it properly - why don't you volunteer to do the weighing and measuring and recording for him when you cook together. then you can record the info as a recipe in mfp and your portion as one serving. Even if he is making up a new recipe or changing a recipe he found you can still volunteer to record the info. He should appreciate this since he will have a log of his artistic creations, along with what worked and what didn't so that he can continually improve his art. This is how chefs develop their own recipes.0 -
In your situation, I would cook my own meals and give him the option of eating what I cook or doing his own thing.
It sounds like he has some emotional issues about your weight loss beyond "why won't you support my love of food," though. You're both going to have to deal with those eventually.0 -
My goodness there are a lot of judgmental people on this board. I should be surprised at all the "your boyfriend is selfish" comments but...well...this is MFP. And what the heck is a "feeder"? Calm down everyone.
Her boyfriend is a foodie who loves to cook. They met when he was this way and the OP admits that she was really into it at one point (up until recently). Calling this poor guy selfish and insecure is just ridiculous. Relationships constantly challenge us to grow and change and these things don't happen overnight. Give the guy a break.
OP, I wasn't going to jump in until I saw your second post. I think you are right on and it sounds like you know how best to proceed. This is just a growing pain. Challenge him to make tasty food that's healthy - he will get on board when he realizes he can still have fun with you AND food in a healthy way.
And try not to call things disgusting - that would offend just about anyone ;-)0 -
Glad you discovered the root of the problem was the importance of food as a career for him and he took your comments as an insult to his career or something he identifies with strongly and not just he doesn't 't want to support your weight loss which sounds like an easier issue to compromise over. But also don't forget to remind him that even though your weight loss journey may feel like forever, you're just eating this meal for today and you're just looking at today. Keep telling yourself that. Don't worry about the just for today being 60 more days or 600 more days, but it's just today. That's what helps me more than anything else. I know there will be special occasions and vacations. And I know there will be bites here and there; but portion control and overall balance and slow and steady are what I'm trying to focus on for today
Good luck! It sounds like you're both on your way!0 -
As far as cooking goes, I'm in a similar boat to your BF. I consider myself a pretty talented amateur cook and have considered switching careers to culinary.
When I started eating healthier, I took it on as a challenge. Could I make food that tasted great but was also healthy? See, I'm a person who has always and still hates food like steamed veggies and bland chicken. I couldn't have ever lost weight if I had to eat that. So, I found ways to make my favorite foods healthier. I now have a 90 calorie biscuit recipe (use it plain or for biscuits and gravy), a 90 calorie dumpling recipe, 300 calorie Chicken Franchaise (one of my favs and it includes pasta), and a 200 calorie pancake recipe, among others.
It's easy to make food taste good with a cup of butter, cheese, and deep frying it. Anyone can do that. It takes real talent to make something taste good without the crutches.
Also, plenty of international cuisines tend towards the healthier end naturally. Indian, Greek, and many Asian recipes are low calorie and delicious.
Doing this has made me a much, much better cook overall.0 -
Oh that is tough! Maybe one idea is to do a healthy cooking course together ?
also healthy food can be absolutely delicious, have a play with recipees, taste.com has lots of ideas and recipee types to choose from. My friend who is a nutritionist is a total foodie, and makes such yummy meals! Nutritionists tend to know lots of tricks to make yummy healthy food. Also when you reduce sugar, salt and fat it does take time for taste to adjust but it does happen, best of luck
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: 0 -
how about taking a few healthy cooking classes together? could be a fun bonding experience too!0
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My goodness there are a lot of judgmental people on this board. I should be surprised at all the "your boyfriend is selfish" comments but...well...this is MFP. And what the heck is a "feeder"? Calm down everyone.
Her boyfriend is a foodie who loves to cook. They met when he was this way and the OP admits that she was really into it at one point (up until recently). Calling this poor guy selfish and insecure is just ridiculous. Relationships constantly challenge us to grow and change and these things don't happen overnight. Give the guy a break.
Oh look, someone saying really judgmental things...while reprimanding others for being "too judgmental!" That's both judgmental and hypocritical.0 -
My goodness there are a lot of judgmental people on this board. I should be surprised at all the "your boyfriend is selfish" comments but...well...this is MFP. And what the heck is a "feeder"? Calm down everyone.
Her boyfriend is a foodie who loves to cook. They met when he was this way and the OP admits that she was really into it at one point (up until recently). Calling this poor guy selfish and insecure is just ridiculous. Relationships constantly challenge us to grow and change and these things don't happen overnight. Give the guy a break.
Oh look, someone saying really judgmental things...while reprimanding others for being "too judgmental!" That's both judgmental and hypocritical.
Judgemental things? I didn't directly call anyone names or say anyone was stupid, insecure, jealous, crazy, etc.
I said calm down. As a whole, people on MFP over react.
In this case, I think people are over reacting. That's not being judgmental, that's making an observation.0 -
In your situation, I would cook my own meals and give him the option of eating what I cook or doing his own thing.
It sounds like he has some emotional issues about your weight loss beyond "why won't you support my love of food," though. You're both going to have to deal with those eventually.
Since you opened the door, let's take what you wrote here. He's "having emotional issues about your weight loss." Really? Do you know him? Have you talked to him about this? That's an enormous leap to make from the OPs first and especially the OPs second post.
Maybe the guy just likes to cook dinner because it's fun and that's what they used to do together as a couple. Which is EXACTLY what the OP said in her final post.0 -
When I started my journey, we were in it together (he has an even higher BMI than I do). But after he lost about 10 pounds, he kind of fell off the bandwagon.
You're on a journey... apparently, he's not on the same trip as you. You're 21 yrs old. If he continues on the path he's on, and you continue on your path... you guys won't be together for too long, anyhow. At least not happily. For you to be successful, he has to SUPPORT YOU, not the other way around. If he's butthurt because you don't fall all over yourself to congratulate him on his awesome deep frying skills.... that's too bad.
From your 2nd post, it sounds like he figured out a way to make this all your fault. I try that on with my wife all the time. It never works. If your BF plans on being a Chef, and cooking and eating whatever he wants, and as much as he wants...... and you plan on being a healthy, ( and healthy weight ) young woman.... like I say, you guys got on 2 different planes.0 -
There can be a happy medium. My husband is a wonderful cook and his meals are fairly high cal. He also doesn't measure and cooks by taste.
He was very supportive of my weight loss journey. However, he wasn't on a weight loss journey and it wouldn't be fair or right to always eat low cal because of me. I have to make my own way, while taking him into consideration. It's only fair. Both of us have to be happy.
We kind of compromised in that he usually cooks on the weekends and he continued to do so. I ate his meals but smaller portions and added some extra veggies or a salad, which I prepared. On MFP, because I was unsure of the calories in his food, I found the dish in the database and added some "quick add" calories (usually 100). I figured that this was a good estimation and wouldn't hold up my weight loss (and it didn't).
On nights when I cooked, I tried recipes that were healthier and that I thought we'd both like. If I was cooking something I knew he wasn't keen on, his portion would be changed to suit his likes. We'd still eat the same meal, just slightly differently prepared. For example, he likes his fish fried, so when we had fish, I baked my portion and his would be breaded & fried. It's a big difference in prep time and both of us were happy.
You can find a compromise. This is your journey and you can make it happen. It's easy to get focussed on those numbers and we need to be. Realize, though, that for every 1 lb/week loss, you're eating 500 calories/day less than you need. So one (or two) days a week where you are only 300-400 calories/day less will not mean a weight gain. You can exercise those calories away.
Hang in there. You can do it.0 -
I choose food over people anytime. Love food, hate people.
Then don't marry a person. Marry food instead.0 -
Just my two cents, I love to cook, also, and it's mainly a way of showing affection. So when you rejected all his recipes, he probably felt you were rejecting him/his love/whatever. Obviously untrue, but it can still feel that way sometimes. My suggestion would be to suggest healthier meals by bringing him specific recipes, including things similar to what he already cooks, but lighter. After suggesting these things in a nice and civil manner (not fighting? i guess), tell him that when he cooks something higher calorie or something unhealthy, that you'll only eat a small portion and maybe supplement the rest of your dinner with salad/soup/healthy food.
If my boyfriend didn't want to eat something I made for dinner, I'd just want him to try a little portion and be appreciative I cooked for him. because like I said, cooking is a way of showing affection for some people, and your boyfriend sounds like one of them.0 -
My goodness there are a lot of judgmental people on this board. I should be surprised at all the "your boyfriend is selfish" comments but...well...this is MFP. And what the heck is a "feeder"? Calm down everyone.
Her boyfriend is a foodie who loves to cook. They met when he was this way and the OP admits that she was really into it at one point (up until recently). Calling this poor guy selfish and insecure is just ridiculous. Relationships constantly challenge us to grow and change and these things don't happen overnight. Give the guy a break.
OP, I wasn't going to jump in until I saw your second post. I think you are right on and it sounds like you know how best to proceed. This is just a growing pain. Challenge him to make tasty food that's healthy - he will get on board when he realizes he can still have fun with you AND food in a healthy way.
And try not to call things disgusting - that would offend just about anyone ;-)
This. I appreciate this. Thank you.
I was really just looking for ways to reach a compromise, and I think maybe I'll find the recipes, and get him to make them.
I feel like it's overarching to believe that he's manipulative, controlling, insecure, etc. because he got a little uppity about dinner.
To be fair, I often make him pretend to be a fourth grader so I can run through lessons before I actually teach them (he makes the WORST 10 year old, btw, but he does it to make me happy).
He did not find a way to make it all my fault. Indeed, it's NOT all my fault. However, I did misinterpret the importance of the conversation we were having. We all have things we're passionate about. Mine is education. His is food.
But honestly, if the worst conflict we have in our relationship is over what to eat for dinner, I think we're in pretty good shape. 0 -
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I am a foodie...I love food and love to cook. I just practice portion control rather than eating twigs and berries to be "healthy."
I'm the primary cook in my house and I generally just eat far more than my wife in general because I'm a male...should I cook less food or different food or should my wife be able to portion what she needs out? Hint...she knows how much she needs and portions it out appropriately.
Portion control is one of the most important things you can possibly learn for long term, sustained success. maintenance is almost impossible without it unless you resign yourself to eating lettuce and celery for the rest of your life.0 -
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you cope with a death.
you forge ahead on a journey.
if you want it, youll make it happen. you got this. focus on you.
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Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?0
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He values food more than people? And he says that out loud? And people are all, "lol cool."??
This. Maybe it's time for a new boyfriend.0
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