How to cope when others aren't on a weight loss journey?
Replies
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Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
My own willpower, stress, planning ability, and time-management deficits, I believe.0 -
My goodness there are a lot of judgmental people on this board. I should be surprised at all the "your boyfriend is selfish" comments but...well...this is MFP. And what the heck is a "feeder"? Calm down everyone.
Her boyfriend is a foodie who loves to cook. They met when he was this way and the OP admits that she was really into it at one point (up until recently). Calling this poor guy selfish and insecure is just ridiculous. Relationships constantly challenge us to grow and change and these things don't happen overnight. Give the guy a break.
OP, I wasn't going to jump in until I saw your second post. I think you are right on and it sounds like you know how best to proceed. This is just a growing pain. Challenge him to make tasty food that's healthy - he will get on board when he realizes he can still have fun with you AND food in a healthy way.
And try not to call things disgusting - that would offend just about anyone ;-)
This. I appreciate this. Thank you.
I was really just looking for ways to reach a compromise, and I think maybe I'll find the recipes, and get him to make them.
I feel like it's overarching to believe that he's manipulative, controlling, insecure, etc. because he got a little uppity about dinner.
To be fair, I often make him pretend to be a fourth grader so I can run through lessons before I actually teach them (he makes the WORST 10 year old, btw, but he does it to make me happy).
He did not find a way to make it all my fault. Indeed, it's NOT all my fault. However, I did misinterpret the importance of the conversation we were having. We all have things we're passionate about. Mine is education. His is food.
But honestly, if the worst conflict we have in our relationship is over what to eat for dinner, I think we're in pretty good shape.
Haha, agreed.0 -
Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
My own willpower, stress, planning ability, and time-management deficits, I believe.
then start here and work on these things which ARE within your control, instead of accidentally getting caught on the branch that has the least to do with your success.
if he sees you taking control of these things, maybe he will be more open to jumping back in the game with you :flowerforyou:0 -
I was really just looking for ways to reach a compromise, and I think maybe I'll find the recipes, and get him to make them.
My apologies if my answer seemed harsh or judgmental. Obviously, I don't know you or your boyfriend, beyond what you posted. I'd be very interested to see how this works out for you.0 -
if he values food more than your relationship, then you should just leave him, or eventually will have to...
I love food too, but I have lost 40 pounds over the years and am about 13% body fat...so you can love food, eat healthy, and maintain a healthy weight...0 -
Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
trying to force feed someone a bunch of unhealthy food is a strange way to show your love....0 -
if he values food more than your relationship, then you should just leave him, or eventually will have to...
I love food too, but I have lost 40 pounds over the years and am about 13% body fat...so you can love food, eat healthy, and maintain a healthy weight...
Oh boy.
I think people are taking the "he likes food more than people" comment too literally.
I don't think she is saying "he would choose food over me" I think she meant is that the act of cooking and enjoying meals together is very important to him and he wants to be with someone who he can do that with....
There's nothing wrong with this - as long as he is willing to incorporate healthy meals into his repertoire.
I get this guy. I love to cook. I spend A LOT of time in the kitchen. It's important to me to be with someone who is open to trying new foods, cooking at home and enjoying meals together. I could not be in a relationship with a picky eater.
At the same time, I love healthy foods and I have no problems taking dietary requests. It's all about finding a middle ground.0 -
Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
trying to force feed someone a bunch of unhealthy food is a strange way to show your love....
are you picking a fight with me?
because using your argument, that means that more than 60-70% of mothers in America have a strange way of loving their children.
Some people enjoy preparing beautiful delicious meals for the people they love and sitting down and enjoying them together. It's better than peope who never spend any time with you and just leave impersonal presents for you from time to time.
And another point - most people who are new to dieting are under the assumption that they cant eat anything they want to anymore - so how do you know that he is trying to forcefeed her a bunch of unhealthy food or if he just made a lasagne?
you know what's a strange way to show love to someone? those dudes that always ask to sniff my feet on the subway -_-0 -
Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
trying to force feed someone a bunch of unhealthy food is a strange way to show your love....
Force feed? Dramatic much?
I think you need to go back through the thread and read the OPs subsequent posts. He's not force feeding her at all. He freaked out a little bit because something they used to be able to share together is changing. He'll be fine, they just need to sort out a middle ground on recipes.0 -
Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
trying to force feed someone a bunch of unhealthy food is a strange way to show your love....
Force feed? Dramatic much?
I think you need to go back through the thread and read the OPs subsequent posts. He's not force feeding her at all. He freaked out a little bit because something they used to be able to share together is changing. He'll be fine, they just need to sort out a middle ground on recipes.
This. I like you. You're my new best friend.
For the record, his suggestions included cream of spinach soup and stuffed chicken. I think cream-of-anything tends to be unnecessarily fatty and high in calories... and the stuffing inside the chicken consisted largely of stuff that I would have previously enjoyed very much, but didn't think it was a good idea last night.
He was, in fact, not tying me to a chair and shoving deep fried twinkies down my throat.0 -
Just out of curiosity, if you didnt have a significant other who loved to cook for you and show how much he loves you this way, what would you have in your way of being healthy?
trying to force feed someone a bunch of unhealthy food is a strange way to show your love....
Force feed? Dramatic much?
I think you need to go back through the thread and read the OPs subsequent posts. He's not force feeding her at all. He freaked out a little bit because something they used to be able to share together is changing. He'll be fine, they just need to sort out a middle ground on recipes.
This. I like you. You're my new best friend.
For the record, his suggestions included cream of spinach soup and stuffed chicken. I think cream-of-anything tends to be unnecessarily fatty and high in calories... and the stuffing inside the chicken consisted largely of stuff that I would have previously enjoyed very much, but didn't think it was a good idea last night.
He was, in fact, not tying me to a chair and shoving deep fried twinkies down my throat.
Awww, shucks. Thanks -)
Mmmmm cream of spinach soup and stuffed chicken! Delicious, but probably on a day when I've worked out and have the calories. So, I get where you are coming from...
There are recipes for cream of spinach soup that use yogurt instead of cream (Yummly is a good site). Super healthy, especially since spinach has so many nutrients. Not sure what the chicken was stuffed with but, for the little amount that you can fit in a breast, I bet it was still under 500 calories.
I use the recipe feature here quite a bit. It's very helpful if you don't want to guesstimate based on other foods out there. Stuffed chicken breast at restaurant, for example, will have more calories than one made at home.
Good luck to you - sending a FR.0 -
lol, a person who claims to be a foodie and values food more than people wouldn't deep fry everything
Agreed. I love food, will travel for good food but "good" food trypically is not deep fried. Also, the part that he loves food more than people... you are a person... there needs to be better communication on what you both expect and want in a relationship as there will be plenty of meals in the future.
Start cooking together, find healthy alternatives in prep, cooking light does a good job of this. all else fails, eat seperately and he can love himself with his food.0 -
sorry as a fellow foodie, I have to chime in here on your comment regarding "cream-of anything" being high in calories and fat. Actually you can make creamy soups without cream simply by blending up some of the veggies in there. You can then top with a little dollop of sour cream or Greek yogurt. "stuffed" chicken can also be made in a way that is tasty and healthy. I think you will enjoy finding new recipes and trying them out with your bf.0
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I stopped reading at "He was getting very excited and wanted to cook something new for dinner."
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
ETA: I say this because if this relationship is important to you, then you need to compromise and realize it's your "journey", not his. Both partners need to be supported in what's important to them.0 -
I have lost 60lb's, and I absolutely love food! I've had to learn to cook healthier things, and be creative in the kitchen. I have said it before though, you don't have to eat 1,200 calories to lose weight. You can, and should eat back exercise calories. This will give you some more flexibility in your diet. How about if the two of you take turns cooking? Here are a couple recipes to get y'all started. Both very yummy, and low-cal.
http://tastykitchen.com/recipes/main-courses/spicy-bean-and-rice-burritos/ You'll have to go to the search box and search for spicy bean and rice burritos. I add chicken to them, too. So good!
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1014979-sesame-chicken Found this one here, on MFP, it is amazing!!!
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I would like to recommend a food blog that I have been using to deal with the issue you discussed. http://www.skinnytaste.com/
I think if you spend a few minutes going through a section of food types, you will find something you both can enjoy with lower calories.
I was introduced to the site by my fiancé after a similar discussion - his love of food was hindering my weight loss.
Now, he loves to try a variety of recipes on the site. The recipes are geared toward Weight Watchers points but are in general lower calorie. I think another poster suggested, and I agree, to make cooking healthier meals a food challenge for your SO.
I also have net goal 1200/day, but these recipes can help make it easier to accommodate that goal.
Good luck!0 -
So. I have a similar problem- my bf is a not so healthy eater. and he also only eats like 1- 2 times a day. His meals are MUCH larger. And I eat several times a day (i don't care it is just hard- I eat less and I'm done sooner) he also doesn't like quiet a bit of what I cook. Foruntately we a. both like steak. and b. don't have problems finding stuff that overlaps when we want to just go out (often just an easier solution)
But- in an effort to save money for me moving out... we are cooking at home more. And I stressed to him it was very important that I couldn't eat some of the stuff he REALLY likes- Saruka Mall Tereyaki food? We found a great recipe to use to make it- it tastes delicious. But it's high calories and just doesn't taste like it's doing any great things for me.
So we agree we'll keep some of those things to a minimum- and stick with less high calorie meals to try together. But that being said_ I DO like certain foods.... so we just say- hey we are doing to do this once a month- or on the weekend. We try to coordinate and plan for it.
Work at it- find a way to make a happy medium- but don't let him guilt trip you for nothing. that's ridiculous.0 -
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
Ew. Especially "reward sex" but also the overall tone of "don't complain when your man does something even if you don't like it."
Think of calories as dollars. If your partner wants you to give him or her $300 every day, you'd say, "no I need to budget my money." When you are watching your caloric intake, you are budgeting your food. A responsible partner won't expect you blow your diet on one meal any more than they would expect you blow your paycheck the day after you receive it.0 -
OP, your story reminds me a lot of my best friend's situation, only it's not food - it's alcohol. She's an alcoholic and got sober, but her husband who is also an alcoholic won't quit drinking and is always trying to persuade her to get loaded with him. Misery loves company. She said he failed at successfully quitting, so he's been on a passive-aggressive mission to make her fail, too, so he has company doing something he knows he should quit doing, but isn't ready to, yet.
Her situation is more dire because it's an immediate life or death threat. She's had to stand her ground inside and said she doesn't give him any reason to start an argument by just not reacting to him when he's trying to bait her. Maybe with your boyfriend, you just simply don't eat his food. Let him cook. You're not interested. Make something healthy that suits your macro goals when he's not around, or after dinner so that you have leftovers in the fridge for when he's fixing a deep fried plate of "Hello, Big Booty and Heart Disease!" and reheat it so when you have dinner with him, you're showing him your health is just that important to you.0 -
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
Ew. Especially "reward sex" but also the overall tone of "don't complain when your man does something even if you don't like it."
Think of calories as dollars. If your partner wants you to give him or her $300 every day, you'd say, "no I need to budget my money." When you are watching your caloric intake, you are budgeting your food. A responsible partner won't expect you blow your diet on one meal any more than they would expect you blow your paycheck the day after you receive it.
I thought it was clear that this is comment was not about calories. It's about accepting that he wants to do something nice for her. She doesn't have to gorge herself to show appreciation for his gesture.
I guess I don't see anything "ew" about giving some physical love to show gratitude. My bf sure hasn't ever complained about it. Men tend to like that sort of thing.0 -
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
Ew. Especially "reward sex" but also the overall tone of "don't complain when your man does something even if you don't like it."
Think of calories as dollars. If your partner wants you to give him or her $300 every day, you'd say, "no I need to budget my money." When you are watching your caloric intake, you are budgeting your food. A responsible partner won't expect you blow your diet on one meal any more than they would expect you blow your paycheck the day after you receive it.
I thought it was clear that this is comment was not about calories. It's about accepting that he wants to do something nice for her. She doesn't have to gorge herself to show appreciation for his gesture.
I guess I don't see anything "ew" about giving some physical love to show gratitude. My bf sure hasn't ever complained about it. Men tend to like that sort of thing.
agreed. every word.0 -
I am the only one in the household that had adopted this new health concious life style. I am also the only one in the house who cooks. My husband and children all eat what I eat (to an extent as they each have their likes and dislikes) because it is what I cook; but I do include the foods that they love too. Heck, my hubby just finished the last of the peanut butter brownie bars last night. LOL
Anyway, there haaaaaaaaas to be some sort of middle ground. You know, things that would suit the both of you. If he wants to make some stuffed shells ask him to use the light ricotta and you make a great salad to go with it...you get the idea!0 -
After a second hashing it out with him, it appears that it was less a matter of what we were having for dinner, and more a matter of me being dismissive of something important to him. He DOES value food a lot. He thought about going to school for culinary, and still considers changing his major from time to time.
Most nights, we do just cook for ourselves, but he views his cooking as an art form, and one that requires vulnerability to share with me. He says that the way I shot it down was hurtful.
I honestly don't believe the issue is with my weight loss, but about the loss of a bonding activity between the two of us. When we started dating (and indeed, until about 2 months ago), I was just as much a foodie as he is. New recipes and delicious food was something to bond over, and I think he's afraid to lose that.
We ended up just picking a regular (non-diet-friendly) recipe and making it together. When it's finished, I just plan to have a small portion and a large salad. I won't be able to log it properly, but I'll get over it. Next step: finding some challenging low-cal recipes for him to make!
I'm glad the two of you were able to resolve the real issue. By working together, I know you will be able to stay happy and neither one of you has to give up the things you enjoy. Well done.0 -
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
Ew. Especially "reward sex" but also the overall tone of "don't complain when your man does something even if you don't like it."
Think of calories as dollars. If your partner wants you to give him or her $300 every day, you'd say, "no I need to budget my money." When you are watching your caloric intake, you are budgeting your food. A responsible partner won't expect you blow your diet on one meal any more than they would expect you blow your paycheck the day after you receive it.
I thought it was clear that this is comment was not about calories. It's about accepting that he wants to do something nice for her. She doesn't have to gorge herself to show appreciation for his gesture.
I guess I don't see anything "ew" about giving some physical love to show gratitude. My bf sure hasn't ever complained about it. Men tend to like that sort of thing.
1) It's not nice to pick a fight with someone.
2) Oh, word? Men don't have a problem with viewing women as sexual objects they own? Well if your BOYFRIEND doesn't have a problem with it, why should some female? Especially when you're on the net telling OTHER women to prostitute themselves for a chicken dinner.
You are a misogynist who has internalized the idea that women are inferior. It's sad, but mostly infuriating when you use your belief in the inferiority of women to offer relationship advice on a public website.
Oh my :laugh:0 -
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
Ew. Especially "reward sex" but also the overall tone of "don't complain when your man does something even if you don't like it."
Think of calories as dollars. If your partner wants you to give him or her $300 every day, you'd say, "no I need to budget my money." When you are watching your caloric intake, you are budgeting your food. A responsible partner won't expect you blow your diet on one meal any more than they would expect you blow your paycheck the day after you receive it.
I thought it was clear that this is comment was not about calories. It's about accepting that he wants to do something nice for her. She doesn't have to gorge herself to show appreciation for his gesture.
I guess I don't see anything "ew" about giving some physical love to show gratitude. My bf sure hasn't ever complained about it. Men tend to like that sort of thing.
1) It's not nice to pick a fight with someone.
2) Oh, word? Men don't have a problem with viewing women as sexual objects they own? Well if your BOYFRIEND doesn't have a problem with it, why should some female? Especially when you're on the net telling OTHER women to prostitute themselves for a chicken dinner.
You are a misogynist who has internalized the idea that women are inferior. It's sad, but mostly infuriating when you use your belief in the inferiority of women to offer relationship advice on a public website.
I think you are both missing the point. In this case, I'm picking up the food was a large part of their relationship. What they did together as a couple was discuss what to cook, prepare food and enjoy it together. Now that dynamic is changing and it needs to be renegotiated. Eating a small portion of what he prepares with no contribution to the decision and stating that it was delicious would probably be as offensive to him as a mechanical blow job at the table to "thank him."
Either they need to find recipes they both can get excited about or come up with a new point of connection as a couple.0 -
Your man wants to cook for you. You win. Eat smaller portions and burn a couple of calories with reward sex after. I would never deny my man if he wanted to cook for me...and he has made some pretty questionable meals.
Ew. Especially "reward sex" but also the overall tone of "don't complain when your man does something even if you don't like it."
Agreed, so much about that quote makes me feel squicky.0
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