Dealing with other peoples constant negativity?
LittleMissAlx
Posts: 291 Member
My mother is like the most negative person in the world. She's never happy about anything, and I guess at 25 I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. I should probably point out that she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, which she refuses to medicate or get help about, no matter what I've tried, but whilst part of it is certainly medical, I think it's mostly just her.
She is convinced that I am fat. I finished uni in July this year, and the last year of it was quite stressful (exams, finances, family deaths...), and I turned to wine rather more than I should. The upshot of which is that now I'm about 20lb heavier than I used to be. But in relation to my height I'm actually only a couple of lb into the overweight category, I'm healthy, and the main thing? I've acknowledged the problems and I'm working on it.
But all I get from my mother is constant comments on my weight. How I've not lost enough. How 1lb a week isn't much. How it's all my fiance's fault (he's more overweight than me, but he's also working on it). How I'm not good enough.
I've tried explaining my plan - that 1lb a week is normal and sustainable, that I've cut my calories, I'm eating more fruit and veg and making healthy choices, I've joined a gym and am also doing dancing lessons.... But I never get any positive feedback. There's always something wrong with what I'm doing.
I've tried laying down the law and saying how I find what she is saying is offensive and upsetting to me and that if she keeps it up I won't be in contact with her, but she's got noone else and we both know I won't walk away from the relationship.
Partly it's lack of knowledge. She's convinced that by going to the gym I'm going to become bulky and muscular, and that I would be better off not going. 'Dancing burns more calories' (actually, no it doesn't, mother). She's not one for fad diets but because she's never had weight problems, she's never looked into the science of dieting and the fact that it does take a long time.
It's like last week. We went out to the theatre, so I dressed up a bit. Nothing too fancy, just an improvement on the usual. Whilst we're out, my mother points out various people on the train 'Look at her legs. You used to have lovely legs like those'. I get told afterwards 'You looked so lovely the other night, I've been telling everyone it's just a shame you're so fat'.
The week before: 'My god, you've got fatter'. (I'd lost 2lb).
At the same time she's trying to encourage me to eat cakes and hot chocolate and be sociable with her, and go out to dinner.... and I'm like... I can't do both and be on a diet. So yesterday before meeting her, I went to the gym, burnt a tonne of calories, then I felt better having a cake with her. 'There's no point going to the gym if you're just going to eat cake'. (better than eating cake and not going to the gym!).
I just don't know what to do about her. I don't think I can change her, stubbornness runs in the family, but equally I'm sick of trying to justify my choices.
I'm not really sure if this is a rant, a request for advice, or just if I need to know that there's other people out there that feel undermined and like a failure no matter what they do
She is convinced that I am fat. I finished uni in July this year, and the last year of it was quite stressful (exams, finances, family deaths...), and I turned to wine rather more than I should. The upshot of which is that now I'm about 20lb heavier than I used to be. But in relation to my height I'm actually only a couple of lb into the overweight category, I'm healthy, and the main thing? I've acknowledged the problems and I'm working on it.
But all I get from my mother is constant comments on my weight. How I've not lost enough. How 1lb a week isn't much. How it's all my fiance's fault (he's more overweight than me, but he's also working on it). How I'm not good enough.
I've tried explaining my plan - that 1lb a week is normal and sustainable, that I've cut my calories, I'm eating more fruit and veg and making healthy choices, I've joined a gym and am also doing dancing lessons.... But I never get any positive feedback. There's always something wrong with what I'm doing.
I've tried laying down the law and saying how I find what she is saying is offensive and upsetting to me and that if she keeps it up I won't be in contact with her, but she's got noone else and we both know I won't walk away from the relationship.
Partly it's lack of knowledge. She's convinced that by going to the gym I'm going to become bulky and muscular, and that I would be better off not going. 'Dancing burns more calories' (actually, no it doesn't, mother). She's not one for fad diets but because she's never had weight problems, she's never looked into the science of dieting and the fact that it does take a long time.
It's like last week. We went out to the theatre, so I dressed up a bit. Nothing too fancy, just an improvement on the usual. Whilst we're out, my mother points out various people on the train 'Look at her legs. You used to have lovely legs like those'. I get told afterwards 'You looked so lovely the other night, I've been telling everyone it's just a shame you're so fat'.
The week before: 'My god, you've got fatter'. (I'd lost 2lb).
At the same time she's trying to encourage me to eat cakes and hot chocolate and be sociable with her, and go out to dinner.... and I'm like... I can't do both and be on a diet. So yesterday before meeting her, I went to the gym, burnt a tonne of calories, then I felt better having a cake with her. 'There's no point going to the gym if you're just going to eat cake'. (better than eating cake and not going to the gym!).
I just don't know what to do about her. I don't think I can change her, stubbornness runs in the family, but equally I'm sick of trying to justify my choices.
I'm not really sure if this is a rant, a request for advice, or just if I need to know that there's other people out there that feel undermined and like a failure no matter what they do
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Replies
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I really understand where your coming from. I am overweight always have been, my parents, mother in law and a few other people treat me like I don't know. Somehow, they feel like it is their duty to remind me that I need to lose weight everyday. My weight has been yo-yoing recently and all I hear us comments about how I need to lose weight or just general comments about my weight. My 3 year old is very active and I usually have to run all over after him. They always say" I wonder why your not thinner with all this activity". On the other hand, they are amazing cooks and get very offended if I don't eat the food they give me.
I have been in this dilemma all my life and I love them too much to stop talking to them. I have finally decided to stop doing what they want and focus on what I want. When they give me food now, I just put it aside and say I will eat it in a little bit. I might take a bite but I well leave most of it. Then I will say, oh I am so full and ignore the rude like yeah remarks.
Good like to you! I really know what it is like.0 -
I have the same issues. My mother has depression too (well actually she's bipolar but yeah...) and it's really difficult sometimes. I find that just walking away is better than lashing out and getting just as negative as they are. Sometimes, it's best to just say nothing at all. Of course, I'm not saying to not defend yourself when you need to, but I find that some people aren't going to change no matter what you say and sometimes, walking away really is all you CAN do.
Otherwise, my response to general negativity is typically "I'm working on getting healthy so I'd appreciate it if you kept the comments to positive ones and not ones that are putting me down."
I just hate how people act like you don't know you're overweight. I can't tell you how many times I hear from family "You really do need to lose some weight" like I don't know it. For me, the crazy thing is, most of the people who do this in my family are the ones who in the past, were enablers of my weight gain. They'd shove food at me, telling me "come on, eat eat! ENJOY!" and nag when I tell them I'm not hungry or watching what I eat.
So that being said, I totally understand you. You're not alone.0 -
I don't deal with other people's constant negativity. I avoid people who bring me down, including family. I don't need a toxic energy drain in my life. Surround yourself with positive people and you will be happier for it. Good luck! :flowerforyou:0
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Unfortunately, you have two options; put up with it or walk away.
You've already told her how you feel, you've already explained the reason you are doing it the way you are. You've already tried to get her help, and you've already given her an ultimatum, and she's still behaving like this.
Personally, I couldn't surround myself with someone like that, mother or not, and I'd walk away. it doesn't have to be permanently, but a sudden realisation that you meant what you said may well make her stop, or at least seek some help.0 -
I really feel for you, I grew up with a lot of negativity, not about weight at that time but about everything else. I think that you seem to be dealing with the problem very well, a good blast at the gym before coffee and cake with your Mum is brilliant, you have the extra calories and you're chilled from the exercise.
Don't forget that you're doing this for yourself, your opinion matters more than anyone else's, I know it's hard not to be hurt by your Mum's comments and lack of support but she obviously has her own problems and seems to be using this sniping and picking to bolster her own self esteem. Carry on the way you are, don't take her comments to heart and let her make you miserable. Chin up and keep up the good work!0 -
Ground rules are generally good but you wrote that your mother has depression which is not treated so this behaviour is probably one of the symptoms of her illness. I fear you have to live with her negativity as long as it is not treated. Don't let thes remarks get to you though. I know it's hard not to get dragged down by it but try to remind yourself that she is ill and would probably never say these things if she had any control over it.I've tried laying down the law and saying how I find what she is saying is offensive and upsetting to me and that if she keeps it up I won't be in contact with her, but she's got noone else and we both know I won't walk away from the relationship.0 -
Yeah I had one of those mothers. I don't see her anymore. I moved away from her and the rest of the Family From Hell. She'll never change, she thinks her position in the family gives her free reign to be a total B. It doesn't. Perhaps start to pull away.
Never been happier since cutting mine loose, btw. :bigsmile:0 -
I love my mommy to pieces, but she can be a little s***t about things in a similar manner to the above descriptions and then be as sweet as candy 5 minutes later. I like to tell her things like this,
or something like this,
These tactics usually shut her up while providing some comic relief.0 -
Clearly your mother's responses are a reflection of her own issues and nothing to do with your health or appearance.
I have had a similar problem with my parents about another matter. Competely cutting them out of your life isn't usually an option. I know some people do, but like you I wasn't ready for that.
What I did was this......
There was only one subject that they were so unreasonable about, so I was quite clear about my position, explained that I find their behaviour upsetting/irritating/patronising and that I wouldn't stand for it and we would just have to agree to differ on my choice! That's it. Whenever THEY raised the subject in a disrespectful way, I would politely say "I explained why I'm not going to have this conversation with you!" and either put the phone down or walked away.
I never threatened never to see them again or anything, I simply stood my ground on this one issue. Sometimes you need to treat parents like children where "no means no".
We did this a good few times, but eventually they learned not to go there....
Good luck. x :flowerforyou:0 -
My mother wants me to go to the market to buy some vegetables with her. Keep in mind that my mother is not extremely old or disabled, and there is no reason why going 5 minutes down the road to the market requires 2 people. Also, keep in mind that I live about 5 minutes away from my parents, so I spent a great deal of time with my mother on a daily basis. When I told her I can't go because I have some work and other things to take care of that are time sensitive, she took it as a personal attack and reacted as if I just told her I won't be attending her funeral. Sigh, walk away.0
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Sounds like a rant to me....my step daughter has a sister who refers to her as fat. Sister is 5.2 and 102, step daughter is 5.4 and 115. Why? Different body shapes. One has wider hips and sprinter thighs...yes build for speed over short distance. The other is just plain unhealthly skinny...no real muscle definition and almost no hips. I just reinforce the image of step daughter as a speedster with great shape and in good condition. I have even convinced her to run a 5K though reality is she can leave me panting in the dust over 100 meters at the 5K she is walking after 1500 meters while I am leaving her in the dust. Step daughter and I no longer argue over who is in better health even though I still have some weight to lose. But every once in a while she brings up her sister's comments. My response is the same...good hips racing thighs...be happy you are on the track team for a reason. Your mother needs to focus on her health you can safely ignore her comments...why?, different bodies.0
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My mom's like this. nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever good enough. So .. I don't try to explain or engage in debate too much. I spit out facts, and shrug at the responses. I have simply given up on trying to explain myself.0
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you definitely can't change her. I used to get this, too. My mom would say "you would look great if you dropped a few pounds and worked out." I would tell her I understood this, but that never stopped her from repeating it over and over again. Or, she would often tell me I didn't need to eat a particular food. (I was in my 20s at the time--so it isn't like I was a child). Ugh, no advice for you...but just to let you know you are not alone. She loves you, but for some reason has a weight hang up.0
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Family or not never allow yourself to be treated badly. I vote for cut her out. Now she knows she can treat you anyway she likes. Stand up for yourself. Maybe she will realize she can't treat u Like that if she wants u in her life.0
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This is a difficult one and I feel for you. Is your Mum in good shape or could she do with losing a few pounds? Maybe a bit of "taste of her own medicine" will work?! Get her to go to the gym with you on a visitor pass so she can experience how hard you're working - makes a different experience to coffee and cake. But.... saying that, you know she is ill with depression and maybe, although I know its painfully hard, you should just let what she says go in one ear and out the other. Perhaps even change the subject to her getting some help - there is more than medication for depression, maybe cognitive therapy will help. You said you've had family deaths so I'm guessing that impacts her too. Maybe you can attend a joint bereavement counselling. Don't give up on your Mum, she needs you.0
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just remember...you are doing what is right for you. sorry your mom makes you feel so unaccomplished.0
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But all I get from my mother is constant comments on my weight.
There are people who express their love and concern by nagging/complaining/"negativity". It's just part of the human experience - we have to accept people for who they are.0 -
You have two choices. Either let her constantly bring you down, or stand up for yourself, tell your mother that if she continues this behavior, you will not visit. Then do it.0
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Suggestions for eliminating negativity: Don't ever read the posts on MFP. Bunch of sourpusses.0
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It is really unfortunate that your mother cannot be more supportive and in fact is being quite emotionally abusive towards you. I agree with what others have said that she is making these comments more or less as a reflection to how she is feeling about herself and not about you and most likely has to do with her mental illness and her lack of wanting to manage it appropriately. I have seen people cut parents out of their lives because of this, and I can understand why. I get the impression from your post that this is not what you want to do. I agree with the earlier post that when your mom brings up the topic just change the subject. If she has a good sense of humor, use humor. If she doesn't just be direct and if she persists leave/ hang up/ etc. Eventually she will get the idea.
I would not share your weight loss successes with her because she is just going to put them down. Get that support from friends, loved ones and on here. You know how hard you are working and that the results are paying off. It does not seem like it is worth your time and energy to try and educate your mother because her mental status just is not in place where she can learn and be supportive.
Congrats to you on your progress thus far! It is not easy to be patient with weight loss and you are doing a fabulous job. Keep up the good work!!0 -
I have some negative family members also. I've learned to accept them for who they are. I choose to spend less time with them due to the negativity. Your mom doesn't sound like she is interested in changing her life for the better. So she probably is not going to be too supportive of you changing things. You could look to other people to be a support system. It is really hard when you don't have that relationship with your mom, but unfortunately it is what it is.0
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Don't expect positive change or rational thought. Don't engage in debate or discussion, because it will never end pleasantly. Once you accept realities, it's easier to deal with. Like a wild animal. Keep a safe distance and you won't get bitten.0
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Would your mom be willing to order something like 5htp or St. John's Wort online? If she is willing it could really help and make her more open to getting other help or counseling if she needs it.0
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You have two choices. Either let her constantly bring you down, or stand up for yourself, tell your mother that if she continues this behavior, you will not visit. Then do it.
This...
My mother is the definition of negative. Nothing makes her happy and she's constantly looking for things to gripe about. These types of people are draining. You stand up and says what's on your mind. Put your mother in her place, if not it'll only get worse. Make yourself happy and do what's right for you. I've learned that people that act like this are miserable with themselves. Good luck, I hope you figure out what works best for you.0 -
I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, it sounds miserable. I hope you will consider going to a counselor. This constant criticism is beating you down, and that isn't healthy. You need a professional to advise you on the best way to deal with this unfortunate situation. I went to a therapist when I was your age to help me deal with my overbearing mother, and it helped tremendously! I was skeptical, but I took her suggestions and they made an immediate difference for me. Good luck!0
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I know you mentioned a fiance....Well, if all goes as planned and you have children, would you allow your mother to talk to your child this way?? I would hope NOT!! Then why are you allowing her to talk to you this way!! :frown:
"YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU"0 -
Grow a pair of metaphorical testicles and walk away for the relationship for a little while. If she has nobody then she'll get lonely pretty quickly. When you do contact her, lay down the guidelines. When she breaks those guidelines, avoid contact with her again for a while. Being their parent doesn't allow you to insult someone whenever you feel like it and mask it as "concern."
My mom puts up with this verbal abuse from my grandfather and I don't get it. I used to as well, and it came to a point where I realized I would become more depressed and upset just being around him. So I stopped. If you can't be civil to me then you don't need to be around me.0 -
My mother is like the most negative person in the world. She's never happy about anything, and I guess at 25 I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. I should probably point out that she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, which she refuses to medicate or get help about, no matter what I've tried, but whilst part of it is certainly medical, I think it's mostly just her.
She is convinced that I am fat. I finished uni in July this year, and the last year of it was quite stressful (exams, finances, family deaths...), and I turned to wine rather more than I should. The upshot of which is that now I'm about 20lb heavier than I used to be. But in relation to my height I'm actually only a couple of lb into the overweight category, I'm healthy, and the main thing? I've acknowledged the problems and I'm working on it.
But all I get from my mother is constant comments on my weight. How I've not lost enough. How 1lb a week isn't much. How it's all my fiance's fault (he's more overweight than me, but he's also working on it). How I'm not good enough.
I've tried explaining my plan - that 1lb a week is normal and sustainable, that I've cut my calories, I'm eating more fruit and veg and making healthy choices, I've joined a gym and am also doing dancing lessons.... But I never get any positive feedback. There's always something wrong with what I'm doing.
I've tried laying down the law and saying how I find what she is saying is offensive and upsetting to me and that if she keeps it up I won't be in contact with her, but she's got noone else and we both know I won't walk away from the relationship.
Partly it's lack of knowledge. She's convinced that by going to the gym I'm going to become bulky and muscular, and that I would be better off not going. 'Dancing burns more calories' (actually, no it doesn't, mother). She's not one for fad diets but because she's never had weight problems, she's never looked into the science of dieting and the fact that it does take a long time.
It's like last week. We went out to the theatre, so I dressed up a bit. Nothing too fancy, just an improvement on the usual. Whilst we're out, my mother points out various people on the train 'Look at her legs. You used to have lovely legs like those'. I get told afterwards 'You looked so lovely the other night, I've been telling everyone it's just a shame you're so fat'.
The week before: 'My god, you've got fatter'. (I'd lost 2lb).
At the same time she's trying to encourage me to eat cakes and hot chocolate and be sociable with her, and go out to dinner.... and I'm like... I can't do both and be on a diet. So yesterday before meeting her, I went to the gym, burnt a tonne of calories, then I felt better having a cake with her. 'There's no point going to the gym if you're just going to eat cake'. (better than eating cake and not going to the gym!).
I just don't know what to do about her. I don't think I can change her, stubbornness runs in the family, but equally I'm sick of trying to justify my choices.
I'm not really sure if this is a rant, a request for advice, or just if I need to know that there's other people out there that feel undermined and like a failure no matter what they do
She's abusive. It gives her something to do to have power over you. She has boundary issues -- she doesn't understand or care that her skin ends with herself. You are not her. You have to set the boundaries and insist on respect. Explaining that to her won't work.
Stop explaining. When she starts to pick on you, address her emotions, not the logic of what she is saying. Say, "Stop it!" Talk to her the way you would with a rude, out of line 8 year old kid. "Stop it!" "I don't appreciate your attitude." That kind of thing. Stop explaining yourself to her.
Years ago I read a great book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It is geared for relationships between women and men, but it gave me a lot of insight into my relationship with my mother.0 -
I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to learn to manage the relationships in your life that are toxic. You can't control her behavior, but you CAN control your response to it and the amount that you allow her in your life.
There are a number of books on the subject of toxic relationships. I'd recommend you check out the ones by Dr. Susan Forward. They can really offer some perspective.0
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