Dealing with other peoples constant negativity?

Options
2»

Replies

  • grentea
    grentea Posts: 96 Member
    Options
    I have some negative family members also. I've learned to accept them for who they are. I choose to spend less time with them due to the negativity. Your mom doesn't sound like she is interested in changing her life for the better. So she probably is not going to be too supportive of you changing things. You could look to other people to be a support system. It is really hard when you don't have that relationship with your mom, but unfortunately it is what it is.
  • jwdieter
    jwdieter Posts: 2,582 Member
    Options
    Don't expect positive change or rational thought. Don't engage in debate or discussion, because it will never end pleasantly. Once you accept realities, it's easier to deal with. Like a wild animal. Keep a safe distance and you won't get bitten.
  • Jessica1173
    Jessica1173 Posts: 62 Member
    Options
    Would your mom be willing to order something like 5htp or St. John's Wort online? If she is willing it could really help and make her more open to getting other help or counseling if she needs it.
  • TheBackStory
    TheBackStory Posts: 263
    Options
    You have two choices. Either let her constantly bring you down, or stand up for yourself, tell your mother that if she continues this behavior, you will not visit. Then do it.

    This...

    My mother is the definition of negative. Nothing makes her happy and she's constantly looking for things to gripe about. These types of people are draining. You stand up and says what's on your mind. Put your mother in her place, if not it'll only get worse. Make yourself happy and do what's right for you. I've learned that people that act like this are miserable with themselves. Good luck, I hope you figure out what works best for you.
  • NerdyTXChick
    NerdyTXChick Posts: 155 Member
    Options
    I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, it sounds miserable. I hope you will consider going to a counselor. This constant criticism is beating you down, and that isn't healthy. You need a professional to advise you on the best way to deal with this unfortunate situation. I went to a therapist when I was your age to help me deal with my overbearing mother, and it helped tremendously! I was skeptical, but I took her suggestions and they made an immediate difference for me. Good luck!
  • Jagreene62
    Jagreene62 Posts: 4,782 Member
    Options
    I know you mentioned a fiance....Well, if all goes as planned and you have children, would you allow your mother to talk to your child this way?? I would hope NOT!! Then why are you allowing her to talk to you this way!! :frown:


    "YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU"
  • MisterDerpington
    MisterDerpington Posts: 604 Member
    Options
    Grow a pair of metaphorical testicles and walk away for the relationship for a little while. If she has nobody then she'll get lonely pretty quickly. When you do contact her, lay down the guidelines. When she breaks those guidelines, avoid contact with her again for a while. Being their parent doesn't allow you to insult someone whenever you feel like it and mask it as "concern."

    My mom puts up with this verbal abuse from my grandfather and I don't get it. I used to as well, and it came to a point where I realized I would become more depressed and upset just being around him. So I stopped. If you can't be civil to me then you don't need to be around me.
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    Options
    My mother is like the most negative person in the world. She's never happy about anything, and I guess at 25 I should be used to this by now, but I'm not. I should probably point out that she was diagnosed with depression a few years ago, which she refuses to medicate or get help about, no matter what I've tried, but whilst part of it is certainly medical, I think it's mostly just her.

    She is convinced that I am fat. I finished uni in July this year, and the last year of it was quite stressful (exams, finances, family deaths...), and I turned to wine rather more than I should. The upshot of which is that now I'm about 20lb heavier than I used to be. But in relation to my height I'm actually only a couple of lb into the overweight category, I'm healthy, and the main thing? I've acknowledged the problems and I'm working on it.

    But all I get from my mother is constant comments on my weight. How I've not lost enough. How 1lb a week isn't much. How it's all my fiance's fault (he's more overweight than me, but he's also working on it). How I'm not good enough.

    I've tried explaining my plan - that 1lb a week is normal and sustainable, that I've cut my calories, I'm eating more fruit and veg and making healthy choices, I've joined a gym and am also doing dancing lessons.... But I never get any positive feedback. There's always something wrong with what I'm doing.

    I've tried laying down the law and saying how I find what she is saying is offensive and upsetting to me and that if she keeps it up I won't be in contact with her, but she's got noone else and we both know I won't walk away from the relationship.

    Partly it's lack of knowledge. She's convinced that by going to the gym I'm going to become bulky and muscular, and that I would be better off not going. 'Dancing burns more calories' (actually, no it doesn't, mother). She's not one for fad diets but because she's never had weight problems, she's never looked into the science of dieting and the fact that it does take a long time.

    It's like last week. We went out to the theatre, so I dressed up a bit. Nothing too fancy, just an improvement on the usual. Whilst we're out, my mother points out various people on the train 'Look at her legs. You used to have lovely legs like those'. I get told afterwards 'You looked so lovely the other night, I've been telling everyone it's just a shame you're so fat'.

    The week before: 'My god, you've got fatter'. (I'd lost 2lb).

    At the same time she's trying to encourage me to eat cakes and hot chocolate and be sociable with her, and go out to dinner.... and I'm like... I can't do both and be on a diet. So yesterday before meeting her, I went to the gym, burnt a tonne of calories, then I felt better having a cake with her. 'There's no point going to the gym if you're just going to eat cake'. (better than eating cake and not going to the gym!).

    I just don't know what to do about her. I don't think I can change her, stubbornness runs in the family, but equally I'm sick of trying to justify my choices.

    I'm not really sure if this is a rant, a request for advice, or just if I need to know that there's other people out there that feel undermined and like a failure no matter what they do :(

    She's abusive. It gives her something to do to have power over you. She has boundary issues -- she doesn't understand or care that her skin ends with herself. You are not her. You have to set the boundaries and insist on respect. Explaining that to her won't work.

    Stop explaining. When she starts to pick on you, address her emotions, not the logic of what she is saying. Say, "Stop it!" Talk to her the way you would with a rude, out of line 8 year old kid. "Stop it!" "I don't appreciate your attitude." That kind of thing. Stop explaining yourself to her.

    Years ago I read a great book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It is geared for relationships between women and men, but it gave me a lot of insight into my relationship with my mother.
  • shell_mc
    shell_mc Posts: 109 Member
    Options
    I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to learn to manage the relationships in your life that are toxic. You can't control her behavior, but you CAN control your response to it and the amount that you allow her in your life.

    There are a number of books on the subject of toxic relationships. I'd recommend you check out the ones by Dr. Susan Forward. They can really offer some perspective.

Categories