My mom's an alcoholic.

skinnyrunner2
skinnyrunner2 Posts: 31
in Motivation and Support
I found out last year that my mom is an alcoholic and has been for the better part of the last 10 years (Still don't know how I couldn't figure that one out). Growing up, my mom would go to the "hospital" (ie detox) about once every year or so, and I was always told it was related to her issues with depression (which it partially was) and that she needed to have her meds fixed. Within the last year and a half it's gotten so much worse. She's gone to detox probably about 10 times, and completed a month in rehab at Hazelden (in MN). Nothing seems to work. This morning my dad (the kindest, most supportive person in my life) called me this morning to let me know that my uncle had a heart attack, and that oh by the way my mom's back in rehab for another month. I just don't know what to do anymore. This year (I'm 21 and a junior in college at Yale) I decided to study abroad for a semester to be as far away from my family as possible (I've been in New Zealand for the last 3 months, and will be here for another month). I love my mom, I just don't know how to react anymore, or how I'm supposed to feel. Today I decided to deal with these feelings (whatever they were) by stuffing my face with crap all day.. literally I've had ice cream 3 times haha. I feel like I'm putting up a decent front on the outside, but I'm slowly falling apart on the inside, and I'm terrified.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you deal with the feelings, aside from with food?

Replies

  • MysteriousMerlin
    MysteriousMerlin Posts: 2,270 Member
    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this :(

    My advice would be: don't punish YOURSELF for what someone else is doing to herself, even if it's your mom. Keep in your head that overeating may make you feel good for the moment, but after a while you're going to regret it. When you start to feel anxious or stressed, try some deep breathing exercises to clear your mind and calm yourself down.

    I know what it feels like when you lose faith in a parent. I know how it feels to find out someone you love just isn't the person you've always thought they were. You have to learn to accept that they're not perfect, that they can have problems that you can't help with. Love her for who you know her to be, and be as supportive of her as you can. It won't be easy, I won't lie to you. But she's your mom. She's the only one you'll ever have. She just has a problem she can't control.
  • FixItDuck
    FixItDuck Posts: 112 Member
    Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I don't have personal experience, but didn't want to read and run. Whilst overeating might be a short term feel good thing, is it really what you want to do. Hopefully wherever you are in NZ, you are going to get some nice weather (forecast is good for us in mid Canterbury!), so you can spend some time doing something outdoors. Take care.
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this :(

    My advice would be: don't punish YOURSELF for what someone else is doing to herself, even if it's your mom. Keep in your head that overeating may make you feel good for the moment, but after a while you're going to regret it. When you start to feel anxious or stressed, try some deep breathing exercises to clear your mind and calm yourself down.

    I know what it feels like when you lose faith in a parent. I know how it feels to find out someone you love just isn't the person you've always thought they were. You have to learn to accept that they're not perfect, that they can have problems that you can't help with. Love her for who you know her to be, and be as supportive of her as you can. It won't be easy, I won't lie to you. But she's your mom. She's the only one you'll ever have. She just has a problem she can't control.

    ^ yes, at least she's trying to get help even if it's failing. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you and I'm sure she wishes she was well.
  • mamacoates
    mamacoates Posts: 430 Member
    I applaud you for not taking on your mother's problems and for staying on track with your academic goals. It is apparent from your post that you are going through a lot of emotion. I encourage you to contact your university health department and see if you can get in to see a counselor. The people on MFP are very supportive, but I think this is a situation that would benefit from you being able to talk and process with a professional who is experienced in this area. Also consider reaching out to the local chapter of Al-Anon which is a support group for family members of problem drinkers: http://www.al-anon.org/.

    Best wishes to you during this time. Exercise can be a powerful ally for overcoming many health related conditions including stress and depression. Now would be a great time for you to recommit to your own health and exercise goals to help you through this emotional time. Use it as an outlet to release some of your stress around the issues that your family is dealing with right now.

    Peace be with you ~ :flowerforyou:
  • padams2359
    padams2359 Posts: 1,093 Member
    We had a friend that was in the same situation as your mom, and went to the same hospital. It is something that she is doing to herself, as our friend did. We all had to eventually do the tough love thing and she was not getting any better. Maybe try switching your concerns of eating over the concern for your mother to be healthy so that you can be there for your father, and he can see for how you are taking care of yourself that at least he has one less thing to worry about. JMO, not a professional.
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
    You are using your 'drug' to cope with it just like your mum would be using her's to cope with her demons
  • helpfit101
    helpfit101 Posts: 347 Member
    I imagine it's like any other kind of addiction. It can ruin your life.

    If you've never been addicted to anything or had a bad habit you couldn't break that threatened to ruin your life.. well you just don't know what it's like.

    Having said that she needs your help. But you're young and you need your own life and she probably loves you and if she could she would probably tell you she loved you and have your own life first.
  • DaniNicole321
    DaniNicole321 Posts: 44
    Have you ever been to an Al Anon meeting? It's for the family's of addicts so they can all talk about their feelings and frustrations. Coming from a former addict, know that your mom isn't trying to do this to you or your dad. Both of you really should talk to someone though and Al Anon is great because everyone there understands. I like to channel anger and hurt into kickboxing personally. It's my favorite angry cardio workout rather than eating my emotions. Writing your feelings down may help as well. I wish your mom the best of luck.
  • Sparta74dah
    Sparta74dah Posts: 2
    First congrats on going to school at Yale. You should be very proud of yourself.

    Second, You cannot handle what is going on with your mom alone.
    There is a program called Alanon that helps family and friends deal with alcoholics and abusers. You learn coping mechanism for dealing with an alcoholic and the world you are thrown into.
    When I attended the meetings it was an eye opener to learn I was not the only one in this situation. Your among others that are experiencing the same things that you are; for me that was a sense of relief. I wasn't alone. It became a safe haven that I could let go of my feelings.
    You learn you cannot control the situation, it's not your fault and you have to learn to let go. We are usually so busy trying to get them to stop, trying to make our worlds appear normal that we exhaust our selfs and don't take care of ourselves. Your eating is a result of that. But you knew that.
    In the end I can only encourage you to try Alanon (your dad as we'll). You'll learn how her disease affects your life and how it makes you respond to situations. It helped me during a difficult period in my life.
    I should probably go back myself; having a difficult time with work and setting boundaries for myself. I tend to go overboard in helping everyone and exhausting myself.
    I hope your studies abroad are a wonderful experience for you. Enjoy every moment!
    And I pray your mom finds peace and strength within herself to overcome her disease.
  • Missmissy0003
    Missmissy0003 Posts: 250 Member
    I do have experience with this, and I know how it can just tear you up. One of my favorite things that I've heard that has helped me is the 3 Cs. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I would definitely suggest seeing a counselor and/or checking out Al Anon or ACoA. Even if your mother does quit drinking this time, there are probably a lot of unresolved issues that aren't going to go away anytime soon. It makes it so much better when there are people who have been through this that you can talk to. I'm sending you a friend request, by the way.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    Don't let your mom's problems become your problems. None of this is in any way your fault or responsibility. She's your mom, so I'd hope you'd be concerned for her, but don't let her take over and derail your life.

    I can't speak from personal experience, but my husband cut ties with his mother years ago due to her toxic, manipulative behavior and her co-dependence with her alcoholic husband (husband's step-father.) He and his mom were both abused for years and she refuses to acknowledge any of it. The interesting thing is that years later, the (recovering) alcoholic step-father finally apologized to my husband, while the mother still pretends like nothing happened. Her enabling really hurt my husband the most.

    Alcoholics are sick people. I'm not excusing them or saying they should be enabled in any way, but they aren't exactly in their right minds. Hope you can find forgiveness but at the same time create some MAJOR boundaries. You might want to take some time and keep your distance until you get your bearings. Good luck!
  • skinnyrunner2
    skinnyrunner2 Posts: 31
    Thank you all for the kind words and support. I've talked to a few therapists but have yet to find one that I've felt totally comfortable with, and haven't found it to be helpful. I'll look into the al anon group when I get back to campus in January
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    Through my work I've worked with a fair share of families of people with drug or alcohol problems and it HARD, really HARD to be the child, parent or partner of someone addicted to substances, be that alcohol or otherwise. And often the support available to the families is pathetic in comparison to the support available to the "client". I'm glad you've sought help for yourself before, as there's absolutely no shame in it!!! Have you asked at your campus what student counselling facilities are available? Best of luck to you and be proud of yourself. xx
  • ktcomplicated
    ktcomplicated Posts: 16 Member
    I've had experience with this in spades, as both my parents and most of my extended family on my dad's side are alcoholics. It's a thing I grew up being around (I'm 24 now).

    It's an impossibly tough thing to deal with, because someone you love is engaging in incredibly self destructive behavior and there's nothing you can do to actually make them stop. I grew up constantly hearing "I'm going to stop this time, I promise!", but for the people in my life the "stopping" was very short lived.

    You just have to find out your best way of dealing with things, because this isn't something you did and it's not something you can actively do anything about. For me personally, I wound up having to detach (with love) from a lot of my family members - I keep them at enough of a distance that I'm not directly effected by their addictions, because being in the thick of it was destroying me.

    I can't offer much in the way of advice, because each situation is so individual, but you have all of my sympathy because I know how hard it is to be in this kind of situation.
  • Takinha
    Takinha Posts: 15 Member
    Hi there. Sorry to hear that you too are having mom problems.

    Let me tell you a little about my story, maybe will help and if it doesn't you can add me to talk whenever you want.

    My mom and I never had the perfect relationship. That's why I moved away to study when I was 18.
    By the time I was around 23 years old my mom started to present signs of depression. Back then I didn't take it too seriously and tried to help just by talking to her and trying to get her to see a doctor.
    Years gone by and her situation got bad and then a little worse. Nowadays she doesn't leave the house, gained weight and don't exercise. She's even having trouble to get out of the bed because her muscles are just leaving her body.
    I still live in another city and used to visit very often to try to help. I tried everything but she just doesn't wants my help.
    I got so frustrated and ashamed that I turned to food for confort. I gained about 120lbs in 5 years and my life was became a constant hell.

    About a month ago I realized that my mom's depression was getting me in the same boat. Accepting that I decided to change my life and look for help anywhere I can get. MFP is my most recently cry for help.

    This is a little bit of my story adn what I'm trying to say is that you NEED to put your health first. I know family is important and that we suffer with a situation like this but if we don't heal we won't be able to help when our moms decide to be helped.

    I really hope things work out for you. Don't blame yourself for this situation or for wanting to get out of your house. You're just putting yourself first and that will make you more able to help in the future.

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