Significant other undermining my determination

sunluvnqt
sunluvnqt Posts: 8
in Motivation and Support
Just wondering if anyone out there has had a similar problem...I've been working on my healthier lifestyle for over a year now. I finally feel proud of my accomplishments and I know without a doubt that I WILL reach my goal. My boyfriend has been supportive every step of the way...EXCEPT....we are in a long-distance relationship, and every time I visit he tells me to eat what I want, I'm on vacation, etc. The problem is, I'm on "vacation" visiting him about 5-6 times a year! He practically forcefed me junk food on my last visit, I gained 6 lbs. in 3 days and it took me over a week to get it back off. I know I shouldn't depend on others for my determination, but it's SO HARD to tell him NO. I know he just wants me to have a good time while I'm there, relax and enjoy myself. He means well, but I don't know how to make him understand what I'm going through. (He's never been overweight.) Anyone have any advice? It would be much appreciated, thanks!

Replies

  • ThePlight
    ThePlight Posts: 3,593 Member
    Well, you can always remind him when you are done. Perhaps you can start teaching him all the time what it is that you eat so he understands it better. You could also count the calories and let him see you count the calories, let him know how much you CAN have? :) Just an idea.
  • nikilis
    nikilis Posts: 2,305 Member
    I gained 6 lbs. in 3 days and it took me over a week to get it back off.

    ok, you are dreaming if you think you can gain 6lb of fat, and then loose it in just over a week.

    you just had some water weight possibly a full bowel, and some paranoia.

    so you sweated a bit, took a dump and tada! 6lb!

    as for the "eat what you want, your on vacation" - you kinda can eat what you want, just stay within your deficit or your maintenance.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
    Well, first off, congrats on having all the success so far. I usually advocate that when you're on vacation, its ok to "live a little" however 5-6 weeks will cause me to rethink that :)

    Like you said, he's been supportive so far. Most men in my experience want to share the food (I would say even women like to). So when he's offering you food, he doesn't necessarily want you to eat a billion calories in junk food, just have some with him. most likely he won't ask you to have more if you take a bite or grabbed a piece of cheeto from his bag and told him that thats enough. Meet him half way this way he doesn't have room to complain when you sternly but politely tell him that you are watching what you eat and that one bite/piece is enough for now. Any person who respects you enough should stop at this point. If he doesn't, might be a good time to remind him of that.

    Good luck.

    ETA: I HIGHLY doubt you gained all that weight. To gain one point you need to eat 3500 calories ABOVE your daily calories expenditure. Thats alot of calories, even for me. So relax, its most likely water weight which is easy enough to fix.
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
    I would eat with him, just watch the portions.
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    If you say he tells you to eat what you want? Then just say "xyz is what I want to eat". If you eat out at restaurants you know yourself 99% of the time be something you can select that works for you. I'm not sure why you think its so hard to tell him no. I can get that yes he thinks he's encouraging you to relax and enjoy yourself. Seriously if someone was allergic to something their other half wouldn't try to make them eat it. Same principle applies just state "I don't want to eat that thanks".

    Congrats on your determination over the past year though :happy:
  • sunluvnqt
    sunluvnqt Posts: 8
    Thank you for all the suggestions and advice. It will definitely help!
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
    The number one thing I love about visiting my girlfriend is not working for a week and not worrying about calories.

    There are 48 other weeks in the year, the few that we see each other aren't going to matter.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    He practically forcefed me junk food on my last visit

    Did he actually force-feed you? If yes, you need to reconsider this relationship. If no, then stop blaming him for your decisions.
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
    If he's your long term guy, then work this out. Do you WANT to eat what he wants you to eat? If not (for whatever your reasons) then let him know you don't WANT to eat X, or that much of X. Whatever that may be. If that's hard for him, then consider that as well.

    If it was ONE week a year, I wouldn't sweat it. But this sounds like a semi-set thing.

    I don't eat a lot of junk food (yes, I said it). When someone asks me to eat X, I simply say: no thanks I don't like X. The reason I don't like it is mine not theirs. No one really questions "like".

    If you don't work through this now, I predict you'll have issues (and weight problems) down the line.

    Fwiw, I question whether or not he's undermining you...that suggests a motive. I don't know his motivation. Do you?
    What he IS doing is eating what he wants then/there. He wants you to do the same. YOU decide if YOU will.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
    So, i feel your pain....a little.

    On one hand, I am very succeptible to the power of persuasion and suggestion. But ultimately you are 100% in charge of what goes in your mouth. Unless we are talking about an actual bondage force feeding fetish (is that a thing?), then I have no suggestions.

    Now if it is not the latter, then I will tell you what has been the most helpful. It is simple. Just a little preparation of the significant other of your intentions.

    "Honey, sweetie pie, baby doll, sexy beast, I just wanted to give you a heads up, I'm doing this diet thing, and I'm kicking *kitten* and taking names. When I'm there I really want to stick to my diet and keeping going strong. I 100% support you to eat what you want, but can I just do my own thing? Or if you want to eat I am I'll make some for you....etc."

    Then a gentle reminder shortly beforehand "Remember, I'm still planning to follow my plan, but I read about this bondage force feeding fetish on the internet today and I am so gonna try that on you tonight!"
  • _SABOTEUR_
    _SABOTEUR_ Posts: 6,833 Member
    If you gained and lost that 6lbs in one week at least proportion would have been water weight and not a real gain. A lot of people have a cheat day a month or even every week. Five to six a year is nothing to flap about.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1105036-article-on-flexible-dieting-by-armi-legge?page=1#posts-17068746

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1122891-9-reasons-fat-loss-is-always-slower-than-you-d-like

    It's your decision whether you continue to log and watch your portions, not your boyfriend's. So it isn't his fault and he isn't undermining your determination. that's all on you.
  • fivethreeone
    fivethreeone Posts: 8,196 Member
    Six pounds that took you a week to lose isn't real weight, it's water weight.

    Water weight doesn't matter.

    Real talk: nobody is in charge of you, but you. Don't blame him for your determination. It's YOUR determination. Know what that means? YOU. DETERMINE.

    That said, there's nothing wrong with eating a little of whatever he's having. This isn't an all-or-nothing proposition.
  • brower47
    brower47 Posts: 16,356 Member
    Just wondering if anyone out there has had a similar problem...I've been working on my healthier lifestyle for over a year now. I finally feel proud of my accomplishments and I know without a doubt that I WILL reach my goal. My boyfriend has been supportive every step of the way...EXCEPT....we are in a long-distance relationship, and every time I visit he tells me to eat what I want, I'm on vacation, etc. The problem is, I'm on "vacation" visiting him about 5-6 times a year! He practically forcefed me junk food on my last visit, I gained 6 lbs. in 3 days and it took me over a week to get it back off. I know I shouldn't depend on others for my determination, but it's SO HARD to tell him NO. I know he just wants me to have a good time while I'm there, relax and enjoy myself. He means well, but I don't know how to make him understand what I'm going through. (He's never been overweight.) Anyone have any advice? It would be much appreciated, thanks!

    Really? If you can't say no to him now about food then this doesn't bode well for important aspects of your relationship.
  • RivenV
    RivenV Posts: 1,667 Member

    On one hand, I am very succeptible to the power of persuasion and suggestion. But ultimately you are 100% in charge of what goes in your mouth. Unless we are talking about an actual bondage force feeding fetish (is that a thing?), then I have no suggestions.

    Don't judge me; you don't know my life!
  • arrseegee
    arrseegee Posts: 575 Member
    Congratulations on your weight loss to date, that's fantastic!!

    I think particularly when you are living apart your boyfriend won't be seeing the effort that you have been putting in day to day to lose the weight, and so he's probably nowhere near as aware as you are about what you want to be eating. When I started my weight loss journey over 6 months ago my boyfriend was supportive but made many comments about how he didn't want me to get too thin. I'd shown him photos of what I looked like two years ago and he thought it was too thin... however here respected my desire to lose weight and get healthy again. Now I weigh what I did in those photos and he has a totally different perspective on it, particularly seeing as me losing weight prompted him to lose weight too. We live together, so can support each other to live healthier lives, and I definitely think it makes a huge difference when you are experiencing the same journey together.

    With any luck your boyfriend will be as thrilled as you are that you have achieved your goals, and hopefully with a bit of time to understand what you want then he'll get it. I'm assuming you guys won't be long-distance forever, so see how it goes when you are living in the same place.

    In the mean time keep up the great work!
  • sunluvnqt
    sunluvnqt Posts: 8
    Congratulations on your weight loss to date, that's fantastic!!

    I think particularly when you are living apart your boyfriend won't be seeing the effort that you have been putting in day to day to lose the weight, and so he's probably nowhere near as aware as you are about what you want to be eating. When I started my weight loss journey over 6 months ago my boyfriend was supportive but made many comments about how he didn't want me to get too thin. I'd shown him photos of what I looked like two years ago and he thought it was too thin... however here respected my desire to lose weight and get healthy again. Now I weigh what I did in those photos and he has a totally different perspective on it, particularly seeing as me losing weight prompted him to lose weight too. We live together, so can support each other to live healthier lives, and I definitely think it makes a huge difference when you are experiencing the same journey together.

    With any luck your boyfriend will be as thrilled as you are that you have achieved your goals, and hopefully with a bit of time to understand what you want then he'll get it. I'm assuming you guys won't be long-distance forever, so see how it goes when you are living in the same place.

    In the mean time keep up the great work!

    Thank you for your support. I think you hit the nail on the head. And for all the negative posts, I never intended to blame him for my lack of self control. My self-control IS my problem. There's a reason I don't buy junk food-if it's in the house, I'll eat it. Perfect example...my last visit there he wanted to have a movie day, just spend the day laying around the house and watching movies. Sounds great, right? But then he went out and bought big bags of candy, chips and dip, ice cream....And yes I tried to keep it to a minimum, eat a moderate amount and enjoy the day. So no, he didn't actually "force-feed" me...that was my sense of humor coming thru my post. I would have felt better if he hadn't bought as much, so it wouldn't have been there to tempt me all weekend. It also didn't help that I didn't log any of the foods I was eating that weekend, so I wasn't as accountable. Yes, my mistake also. The reason I started this topic was so I could get some ideas of how to broach the subject with him, so maybe next time he won't go out and buy the junk food, or at least not as much of it. If it's not there, I can't eat it. And it's easier for me to stick to my deficit. And when I tell him that there's certain things I just need to avoid, he tells me that he just wants me to enjoy myself. It's hard for me to tell him no. I see him 5-6 times per year, and I don't want those brief visits to be all about what I can and can't eat. I don't want him to feel deprived because I'm on a diet. I guess basically I just need to talk to him about it, and let him know that it won't always be this way, eventually I'll be on a maintenance diet and things won't have to be as strict.

    And for those of you that saw fit to attack my relationship, saying it won't be successful because of this or that...bugger off. If you can't say anything nice, or at least helpful, then don't say anything at all. I log this site for support and encouragement, not for horrid little toads to feel better about their own pathetic lives by trying to bring others down.

    But for all of you who commented with genuine advice, I thank you again. There are several good suggestions here now that I intend to use.
  • Rage_Phish
    Rage_Phish Posts: 1,507 Member
    i was in the exact same situation as you. long distance trying to lose weight.

    I did treat it like a vacation and it was awesome. Boozing eating and enjoying her company all day and night. Then id come home and get back to my healthy lifestyle.
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
    Sometimes it's as simple as saying, "No thank you. I don't want any right now."

    It doesn't have to be a conflict. If he wants you to eat what you want, and you want to eat to lose weight, it can be a win-win situation.
  • lovejonz82
    lovejonz82 Posts: 8 Member
    Just remember that you are the one putting that food in your mouth, not him. He may encourage you eating whatever you want but you have to be strong enough to stay on the weight loss path. Saying no will only be as hard as you make it...you can do it!!
  • sunluvnqt
    sunluvnqt Posts: 8
    So, i feel your pain....a little.

    On one hand, I am very succeptible to the power of persuasion and suggestion. But ultimately you are 100% in charge of what goes in your mouth. Unless we are talking about an actual bondage force feeding fetish (is that a thing?), then I have no suggestions.

    Now if it is not the latter, then I will tell you what has been the most helpful. It is simple. Just a little preparation of the significant other of your intentions.

    "Honey, sweetie pie, baby doll, sexy beast, I just wanted to give you a heads up, I'm doing this diet thing, and I'm kicking *kitten* and taking names. When I'm there I really want to stick to my diet and keeping going strong. I 100% support you to eat what you want, but can I just do my own thing? Or if you want to eat I am I'll make some for you....etc."

    Then a gentle reminder shortly beforehand "Remember, I'm still planning to follow my plan, but I read about this bondage force feeding fetish on the internet today and I am so gonna try that on you tonight!"

    Your post cracked me up :D

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