Unsupportive Mother

annabanana321x
annabanana321x Posts: 7 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm sure this has been posted before but it's really affecting me, even more so than before.

I'm 21, 11 and a half stone (161 pounds), 5"5 and I've always been big. When I was 10 I was 10 stone, 11 I was 11 stone.. The highest I ever reached was 13 and a half stone and that frightened me into doing something about my weight. So, when I was 19, in my final year of university, I got my act together and started to eat better and exercise regularly. I've lost about 2 stone so far and I know I have more to lose (14 more pounds) to reach a healthy BMI. The reason I'm so conscious is in part due to the fact that my father has type 2 diabetes and I've seen how much he's struggled to control it. If I can do something about it now it'll make a huge difference in the long run.

Anyway. My mother is of a similar build to me. She's 5"4 and in or around 12 stone. She's been so unsupportive. She criticises me when I watch what I eat - when I ask for a smaller portion of food or substitute something we're having for dinner with something else... It's made fun of. I'm really conscious of the fact that I have more to lose and I've been at a standstill with my weight loss since January of this year. I've been really nice when I ask for something different, I always say that looks great but could I have a smaller slice. I lived at home last year for work and have moved (thankfully) to a different city this year. I had this week off from work and made the decision to stay at home to run some errands, meet up with friends and go to my GP. I went and got my blood tested for hemochromatosis as my father also has that and had my weight checked by the doctor. She was so kind and patient about how much I've lost and was really supportive saying that I can lose the next 14 pounds. I came home glowing, thinking I can actually do this. The first thing my mother said when I got home was well, did she talk about what weight you are? I said yes, she took my weight and height and calculated my BMI. All mam wanted to know was what weight I am, and keeps commenting that she's slimmer than I am and is fitter.

I know it's really petty and I should just get over it but it's really affecting me. Has anyone any suggestions as to what I can do?

Replies

  • estatitra
    estatitra Posts: 80 Member
    Have you told her that you feel hurt when she says things like that? Sometimes people don't realize their words hurt others.
  • Marrowshard
    Marrowshard Posts: 24
    Ew. Unsupportive family members are the pits. If I had to nail it down, I'd say your mum takes your eating habits as a criticism of her cooking and/or child-rearing abilities. Have you tried finding new, better recipes together? Instead of lasagna, find and make a grilled eggplant parm. Still requires kitchen moxie but is a lot healthier and if it's something you do together it might help your mum feel better.

    Beyond that, I don't know what to say. My husband isn't terribly supportive (tried to get him to exercise WITH me but he keeps saying he won't "be guilted" and that his health is fine, etc etc) but nothing like your mum. If all else fails just remember that you're becoming healthier and more fit for YOU, not because you're trying to impress your parents or "rebel" or whatever. The choices you make are YOURS.
  • MuseofSong
    MuseofSong Posts: 322 Member
    Have you read fairy tales growing up? Snow White, for example, is not just a story about a princess with a mean step mom who met Prince Charming. It's a very real psychological profile of a mother-daughter conflict. When the daughter outshines or succeeds the mother, the graceful mother sees that she has done her job and lets go with pride for her child, but the jealous mother digs her claws in and besmirches her daughter, knowingly hurting her to maintain a higher status than her daughter.

    Guess which mother you got? It's just something you have to come to terms with. She's not going to get over it. She's always going to resent you either secretly or out loud, and she seems to like the out loud approach.

    Just know that there's nothing wrong with you. And you're doing an amazing job. It's easy to say, 'don't let it get you down', but it really hurts when your own family, people who you instinctively want to love and be comforted by, scorn you. I don't have any answers for that other than to find your love and support elsewhere.

    They're your family. You're respectful of them, but the household dynamic is toxic. It's not your fault. Just see it for what it is and meet your needs for supportive love somewhere else, such as with your friends or your significant other.
  • annabanana321x
    annabanana321x Posts: 7 Member
    Yeah I have. It's such an annoying Irish thing that when you tell someone that they've hurt your feelings it's laughed off and you're a softie for saying it. My sister is the same height as me and weighs three stone less than me but she's so supportive in comparison. The next time she makes a comment I'll tell her and see what the result is.
  • beachlover317
    beachlover317 Posts: 2,848 Member
    The best advice I can give you is to not discuss this with your mother. If she is always this unsupportive, you will not get what you want from her. If you have tried talking to her before and her support didn't change - it probably isn't going to.

    The hard part is, you probably can't see that this is all about her. It has nothing to do with you. It's all about how she feels about herself and her weight.

    Make your goals, get yourself healthy & try to find other family or friends who will support you. In the end, this is ALL about YOU. You have the control to make the changes you want to make. Go take care of yourself. Good luck.
  • carpetbagger12000
    carpetbagger12000 Posts: 41 Member
    I agree with estatitra. This is still your mother we're talking about, and she still loves you and I'm sure deep down wishes you well. But she can't read your mind nor know what you are feeling, so it is up to you to sit down with her and say, “Mum, I know you want the best for me, and right now, according to the doctor, the best for me is to lose this extra weight I am carrying. I am trying very hard to do that, but it hurts me deeply when you make fun of my efforts, or compare our sizes, or say uncomplimentary things. Please stop doing that and let me follow doctor’s orders properly.” Hopefully she'll get the message and stop.
  • tekwriter
    tekwriter Posts: 923 Member
    where does your father stand on any of this? Are there any other family member that are supportive? Your Mom obviously has some issues with weight. It might not even have anything to do with you, you are just bearing the brunt of her problems. Try not to let her get you down. Hang on to the good feelings from your Dr. and friends. Sorry this is happening to you.
  • annabanana321x
    annabanana321x Posts: 7 Member
    Thank you all so much for your replies. I'll talk to her again and see what she replies with. It's been festering for two years and I should be able to just deal with it at this stage but if anything I'm more aware of what she says. It's relatively such a small thing but it really gets to me. I'll talk to her this evening.
  • doutri2
    doutri2 Posts: 186 Member
    Use "I feel" statments when you respond to her. Such as, I feel hurt when you criticize me. Or I feel deflated when you try to sabotage my progress, etc.

    You have to leave in your emotion word. Don't say "I feel you are sabotaging me", b/c that is an attack on her and she may fire back. It's harder to fire back when you are exposing your feelings.

    If you can overcome this large obstacle, then you are truly on your way to winning. Best wishes.
  • 1ZenGirl
    1ZenGirl Posts: 432 Member
    OH Ok I had to check this post out and see if this was my mother you were talking about...in a sense you are :-)
  • miadhail
    miadhail Posts: 383 Member
    Fortunately my mother is supportive, but my father is the same as your mother. When I was a lot bigger, he'd always comment on how fat I was, and call me names like "piggy piggy". Now that I have lost a lot of weight, he asked my mom if I were starving myself, "does she have food in her home?" My mom obviously retorted, "when she was bigger, you call her piggy oink oink, and now that she is healthier, you ask if she is starving? She looks so much better and healthier now. Maybe you should learn a thing or two from her"

    That definitely shut him up.

    Anyway, like what many other posters have said, just let her know how you feel about her comments and if she remain apathetic, just keep your eye on your goal, and stick to your routine! Sooner or later, your progress will shut her up.

    It is really unfortunate when the very people whose comments matter are the ****tiest, but in these cases, grow a thicker skin (of course not literally) and draw your strength from within in order to push forward. :D
  • arrseegee
    arrseegee Posts: 575 Member
    I'll just throw my thoughts in here too; sounds like she's jealous of you. Particularly if you guys are the same shape and perhaps she has convinced herself she'll always be like that, so when she sees you losing weight it might dig up some issues for her. Just because she's family doesn't give her the right to make spiteful comments or demand to know how much you weigh, but she is your mother and perhaps a quiet chat to find out what's going on for her will help things a bit. It's always so hard when it's your own family standing in your way! Well done on the weight loss and improving your health, and keep it up :)
  • wilmnoca
    wilmnoca Posts: 416 Member
    It's hard to believe that our parent could be jealous of our progress and dedication, but it happens. She is so insecure about her own body and misery LOVES company. The fact that your father is supportive makes her envy even worse. STAY THE COURSE! Be the example for your kind father to live a healthy life. She needs to be called out on her insecurities. Then, the next time she goes to make a comment about your weight or decisions to be healthy, she will realize her comment are coming from an insecure place. When you call people on their BS, they reel it in and hopefully take a closer look at themselves. Either way, keep going. It's your body and you only get one. Congrats on your progress!
  • arrseegee
    arrseegee Posts: 575 Member
    Use "I feel" statments when you respond to her. Such as, I feel hurt when you criticize me. Or I feel deflated when you try to sabotage my progress, etc.

    You have to leave in your emotion word. Don't say "I feel you are sabotaging me", b/c that is an attack on her and she may fire back. It's harder to fire back when you are exposing your feelings.

    If you can overcome this large obstacle, then you are truly on your way to winning. Best wishes.

    This is fantastic advice about owning your feelings!
  • littleburgy
    littleburgy Posts: 570 Member
    I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like your mother is projecting her own issues onto you. It almost sounds like she views you as competition. Because you are an adult, she really can't tell you how to eat. Obviously your weight loss means a lot to you, so while comments as you say can be viewed as a small matter, in a way it's significant enough that it's worth putting your foot down and standing up to her. Good luck and congratulations on your success so far!
  • JNettie73
    JNettie73 Posts: 1,211 Member
    I am so sorry to hear your mother is not being supportive. I may be reading too much into it but it sounds as if she may be a bit jealous of you. My advice is to sit down and speak to her. Tell her that you know she loves you but you feel she is not being supportive. Give her specific examples and explain how it hurts you. When she compares herself to you gently remind her that you are not competing with her. It is not a competition who is slimmer and fitter. Your weight loss is about you getting healthier. Explain that having her encourage and support you rather than mock you helps to give you the motivation you need to reach your goals.

    Best of luck to you sweetie. I wish you well. :flowerforyou:
  • Katla49
    Katla49 Posts: 10,385 Member
    I agree with estatitra. This is still your mother we're talking about, and she still loves you and I'm sure deep down wishes you well. But she can't read your mind nor know what you are feeling, so it is up to you to sit down with her and say, “Mum, I know you want the best for me, and right now, according to the doctor, the best for me is to lose this extra weight I am carrying. I am trying very hard to do that, but it hurts me deeply when you make fun of my efforts, or compare our sizes, or say uncomplimentary things. Please stop doing that and let me follow doctor’s orders properly.” Hopefully she'll get the message and stop.

    This is excellent advice. I wonder if she would be more supportive if you talked to her about loving her food, and wanting to use portion control to limit calories so that you can still have her tasty food and also get healthier. It might help, but also might not. If you're moving away, you'll have more control of your eating than while living at home.

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