An Endless Cycle... A Hopeless Situation

AmberJo3184
AmberJo3184 Posts: 11 Member
in Motivation and Support
I don't even know where to begin with what's on my mind. I guess I'll just begin with...

I'm nearly 30 years old, and I still feel like a child... like I can't do anything for myself. Or... should I say... I feel like I'm fighting that image (that's what others see... specifically my mother). She is constantly talking down to me... treating me like a child... ridiculing me for what I eat, how I eat, when I eat, etc. On and on and on.

I was doing so good. I had lost 70 pounds. Had reversed my diabetic symptoms. Was happier. And, then, this past year, ever since I lost my job a week before Christmas last year, things have been going down hill. While I was doing nothing but sitting on my butt, searching the classifieds for a new job, I spent my extra time snacking. And, after all of my hard work that I had done, it all became a habit again. Even after I found a job. Of course, that job was at a fast-food restaurant, where I was given free employee meals every shift (including ice-cream). I know I could've skipped those free meals... but, as I said, I had reversed all of the hard work I had done. Now, I am at retail job, with more hours, and higher pay. A job that I LOVE COMPLETELY. BUT... I'm still fighting the "new" bad habits and the depression from the past year's events. Even though, at least, I'm not constantly around food. When I am at home, though... I'm spending time on my butt, snacking, and fighting depression (not very well I might add).

I hate this habit. It doesn't help anything to "snack" all the time. It doesn't make me happy. Or even satisfy hunger... because I'm never really hungry. I'm beginning to think it's just something to pass the time... or even as a way to "control" my life.

Control? How is eating a way to "control" my life, you might ask. Well, let me explain...

I still live with my mother... at almost 30 years old. It's not really a choice. Neither one of us could make it on our own right now... not in this economy. She's disabled... and since my dad never let her work outside the house, she can't get actual disability. She only gets SSI... which is only $600 a month. Between the cost of groceries, transportation, rent / mortgage, and anything else needed, it would be pretty hard to live on that much. And... I'm barely making more than that working as many hours a week as I can get at $9.50 an hour (after taxes are taken out). So... we live together to help each other out. But... I'm not sure if it's really helping either one of us out. Sure, we get along great most of the time. WHEN she's not treating me like I'm still a child. I understand that she feels bad not working and helping out in that way... so, she overcompensates by doing all of the cooking and cleaning that she can. (She basically kicks me out of the kitchen so she can do the cooking.) BUT... I'm sick of not being "allowed" to do any of that. I actually want to feel useful too... more than just bringing home money. And... that doesn't even bring up the fact that she tries to control every bit of food that comes in and out of here.

As I mentioned above... She is constantly trying to control what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat, etc. She monitors everything. And, then she complains if I get 1 grape more than a serving. Or, if I get a serving in the morning AND 1 at night. So... I end up sneaking to the kitchen after she goes to bed, and I stuff my face with whatever I can find. I know.... pathetic, huh? I'm sick of it. Physically and mentally. I'm just tired of all of this. I'm at a loss of where to even begin to change it all. And... to top it all off... yesterday, while I was at work, she went out and bought a bag full of different kinds of candy. Both of our favorite kinds. So... when I get home, I start "snacking" on it... and she starts screaming at me for eating too much and "ruining my health". Needless to say, none of it ended well. I ended up throwing things... nearly breaking the door by slamming it in her face and then locking myself in my room, crying. At this point, we're both crying. Now, I'm wired... because I hate ending a night like that. It's childish... exhausting... depressing... I could go on and on.

Don't get me wrong... my mother is great. I love her to death. As I said... we get along great... most of the time. We are best friends. We both stand up for each other to others... but, we also fight with each other for the most insane reasons. And, try to protect each other... too much. It's such a complicated situation. I just don't know what to do to change it all....

And now, after not knowing where to begin, I have ranted too much. I guess I'll leave it there... and call it a night. Or, at least try.

Replies

  • Megabot
    Megabot Posts: 173 Member
    Well first off, you're not alone in having these feelings. I had them (long story short my mom passed away years ago, but ...) because I lived at home during college, etc. Neither of us had money, either. She wasn't disabled though, so I didn't feel bad when I finally left to do my own thing, because it was a relief. That said, what got me through the times together were friends, a sign above my bed that read "you are a badass" that just made me laugh in spite of myself when I got up, so I didn't stay in bed all day, depressed. Bad Religion's "hopeless housewife" as loud as I could play it kind of got me through the angry and depressed parts.

    But you *do* need to confront her. It might start a huge fight, but you'll be prepared, because you'll be starting the fight. Now, rules of the fight, can be on *YOUR TERMS* and they really need to be: Rule 1) no screaming. You should try to be calm. Calm wins. It's about staying in control. Rule 2) When there's screaming, (I'm sure there will be some) diffuse it immediately. Feel free to say "I love you, but we can't scream at each other, it means we're not really listening." and end the fight, go to your room, etc. (you're putting both of yourselves in a time-out.) 3) Say things calmly and repeat them until they're understood. Think of her as someone who is as emotionally upset as yourself, and now think of her as having fewer options than you do, so you need to be the one that's in control and kind and calm. An animal that's cornered and hurt is more dangerous, think of her as just reacting harder because she has fewer escape routes. 4) Practice what you're going to say. If you've decided something, just decide it and do it: regardless of what she thinks. You simply calmly say "this is my life, it's my choice, and it's not up for discussion." And if you're sharing bills/etc, it's not just *her* living space. You can calmly say that, too. 5) Listen to her, too. She's seriously hurt as much as you are, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if she felt depressed too. Remember she's a person too, also having a terrible time living at home.

    These are tips I learned through various people, venues, therapy, etc. Stay calm, be firm, and always say I love you and don't want to fight like this. Cause she probably doesn't want to, either. And remember she's older than you by years and still sees you as a kid. So unless you take a grown-up tack, you're not going to show her how much of an adult you are. If you still scream and run to your room like a teenager who got grounded, well, that'll be how she keeps treating you.

    It will get better. It'll seem to get worse before it gets better, but if you stay calm, be kind despite that burning welling-up-from-your-body anger, and keep insisting that you love her and hate this fighting childhood crap, it'll work. And yeah it does take some courage, but courage isn't absence of fear, it's fighting to remain above your fear.
  • slim4health56
    slim4health56 Posts: 439 Member
    Not hopeless, you're just feeling powerless.

    Time for a sit-down-heart-to-heart with your mom because you are NOT powerless. Ongoing dialogue, in a caring, non-judgmental manner will help both you and your mom grow.
  • grandpoobah12
    grandpoobah12 Posts: 138
    You are not alone, life can be a mixed up bucket of difficult sometimes. You`ll get through it. Remind yourself of the reasons your doing what you do.

    You got this one life to live. You`ll live it the best way you can.
  • CherylP67
    CherylP67 Posts: 772 Member
    I mean this kindly, I totally get what you're saying, but as long as you make excuses, you won't lose the weight.

    Your mother has no control in her life, it sounds like your dad may have been domineering (the he wouldn't let her work comment). Your mom is trying to control what she can, and that is you, her child. You are in control of you though. Confronting your mom isn't going to solve anything. I think going around the elephant in the room may help more.

    Sit down with your mom and say, let's be healthier, lets find healthy recipes that you can prepare. If you're doing the shopping, don't bring the crap into the house. I'm not sure how disabled your mom is, but can she walk? Start taking walks with her. If she's in a wheelchair, push her. As for the work meals, every fast food restaurant has healthy options available, or make it work into your day. I went to Wendy's for lunch yesterday, had a burger and fries and was still within my calorie goal.

    My daughter used to be really active, but then she broke her ankle and she's unable to participate in her sport this season. I've noticed wrappers in her room, and she's not as fit as she was. Because I love her so much, and I know what it's like to be heavy, I almost said something to her about it, but then my dad's face came to me, when he told me I was getting fat at her age, and I didn't do it. I don't believe in hurting kids feelings, especially about their weight, but because I love her so much, I almost did, because I want her to be a healthy person at a healthy weight, I don't want her to go through the self loathing and work I've had to put in. Instead, I stopped buying as much junk, and started making her take walks with me. Your mother loves you and doesn't want you to hurt by being heavy but she doesn't know how to express herself better, which is why directly confronting her may not be the best idea.

    You can get through this and you can be successful. You've done it before.

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