I NEED............

Ok so i knew you had to click on this topic to find out what i needed :0P Sneaky huh?
Basically i,m looking for anyone who is willing to help me get back to some kind of structured fitness program.I have been doing running and incorporated weights but if i,m honest i may as well be trying to lift with oven gloves on i didn,t have a clue what i was really doing.And... before i get smart arses say well... Lifting is not hard it,s a case of picking something up and putting it down.I started to follow a program on bodybuilding.com but it done my head in due down to not having a leg press and not being able to do pull ups or even reach the door frame!
Also weighting for people to say well get a instructor or go to the gym.As i live in the middle of no where the nearest things to lift are sheep apart from the weights i have at home and the nearest gym well... was nothing more but a gym fit for old age pensions think the heaviest thing there was the door to get in!

so basically i,m looking for someone to work along side me to help and keep me accountable on what i,m doing.I have been offered online training but they cost a arm and a leg and i,m not willing to get rid of these,
If you can help i can offer my services as your Prep *kitten* or...you will just be added to my xmas card list

Thank you!!