Anybody else just need a bit of "stranger support" at times?

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KintsugiCurlyQueen
KintsugiCurlyQueen Posts: 68 Member
in Motivation and Support
You know, somebody who isn't in the 'inner circle'. I kinda need that right now.

(This isn't really about diet or fitness support so I apologise if it doesn't belong here)

So, after months of being a coward about it all I'm finally setting things in motion and bringing my relationship to an end. My fiancé, as much as I love him, has broken me down these past three and a half years. It's taken me a long time to even begin rebuilding myself and in the process I've come to realise that he - and the life we'd planned - just don't seem to have the place they once did. The man has cheated and he has lied, rinsed and repeated. And as hard as he might have worked in recent times to make that all disappear, some things just aren't fixable. I love him dearly - and I believe wholeheartedly that he loves me every bit that he says he does - but it's not enough.

So why am I bawling my eyes out? Why, if I know that this is the right thing to do, does it feel so wrong? Why, after all the hurt he's caused me, am I scared to hurt him?

Somebody tell me to put my big girl pants on or something, please.
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Replies

  • stt43
    stt43 Posts: 487
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    It's difficult.
    It's difficult to leave someone that you love. It's difficult to end something that has been such a big part of your life for so long. It's difficult to start again anew.
    It's really difficult. So difficult that many people in similar situations aren't able to do it.
  • 12sri
    12sri Posts: 6 Member
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    You are brave for making a decision and not settling for anything less than what you need. It is ok to mourn- ending a relationship is a big loss. It is a death of sorts, right? You just have to find ways to say goodbye to the relationship- not just your fiancé, but the relationship itself. The comfort it undoubtedly gave you, your hopes and fantasies about it, just having someone around to spend time with, it is hard to let go of all that stuff. You can do it though. It sounds like you thought about it deeply and tried hard to make it work. Sometimes relationships fail despite all the hope and work and love you put into them, and it is a brave and strong and healthy thing to move on. And just because your fiancé hurt you does not mean that you should not care f you hurt him. But you also may have some hope that maybe something magical will happen and things will be fixed and you don't want to hurt him because of that hope. It is ok to feel that. It is ok to be sad about it. You just have to endure it/ If you can, figure out ways to say goodbye to the relationship. Write up a 'divorce' paper about how the relationship is officially over, or get rid of something that you fare holding on to as a symbol of the relationship. You do not have to do it today, but do some act or ritual that is about saying goodbye and letting go. You will be ok, and then at some point you will be good, and then one day you will feel awesome and proud of yourself for getting through this and you will high-five yourself.
  • QuintessentiallyChiaroscuro
    QuintessentiallyChiaroscuro Posts: 1 Member
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    Even if it's the right decision, you're still grieving for the loss of someone you love and someone that loves you. Of course it's heartbreaking, even if you know you're doing the right thing. I don't think you need to pull your big girl pants on at all. I think that allowing yourself to feel sad and vulnerable and scared (or whatever it is that comes up) is a brave thing to do. You will move through it and get to a place where life is good again, much better than it has been for some time. That's why you're making this change, because you know that things can be better, and they will be.

    Lean on any emotional support that you have, either online or offline.

    And be kind to yourself. It really is okay to be sad.
  • CipherZero
    CipherZero Posts: 1,418 Member
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    I should be happy all the time, too. There’s nothing wrong with a little pain. I’ve learned so many wonderful things over the years in painful situations. In fact, sometimes it takes death to teach us about life; it takes misery to teach us about joy. So embrace it when it comes. Say, it’s a part of life. Put your arms around it. Experience it! Learn to feel it again. Scream, yell, gnash the walls. Experience the pain. Cry. Bang on the table! Be angry! Let it come out. And then forget it. Otherwise, you’re going to store it up forever.

    --Leo Buscaglia
  • 1ZenGirl
    1ZenGirl Posts: 432 Member
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    You are in the grieving stage. It's perfectly normal. What you thought was going to be a lifetime was only meant for a season. You are now in the early, very early stages of figuring out you are going to reset your life on a new, likely better, path.

    Take the time grieve. It will pass in time. On its own time.

    Best of luck dear.
  • 1_Slick_Chick
    1_Slick_Chick Posts: 199 Member
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    Ok, here it is! Put your big girl panties on and just do it!!!

    I just did after 15yrs of marriage and wished I had done it a looong time ago!

    YOU deserve to be happy because YOU are worth it!!!

    Best of luck! I know it hurts but believe me...it's the right thing to do!

    Look forward to the possibilities of your new future rather than dwelling on what could have been.
    :flowerforyou:
  • the_only_solution
    the_only_solution Posts: 46 Member
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    Everything everyone said is true. :)
    I would only add:
    1. People treat you how you allow them to treat you, and
    2. "Love" is not just a feeling, it's something you and the people in your life do---or don't do--- so
    3. When you LOVE yourself, this will be a much easier decision, because:
    4. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS CRAP YOU ARE PUTTING UP WITH.

    Good Luck, and trust me, the next one is hotter, has more money, and will worship you. ;)
  • Lonestar5775
    Lonestar5775 Posts: 740 Member
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    I like what 1ZenGirl said, if you weren't bawling your eyes out I would say you didn't ever have your heart in the relationship that is ending. You are wounded and it hurts. It's OK to express that hurt.

    And the future is now scarier because what you thought was going to be is demolished and you invested all that time and effort to now start over. You are a very brave person who will make the hard choice knowing how much it hurts. There is so much in life that we cannot control and just have to deal with. Getting treated like dirt is not one of those things. You will be so much better off and some day will look back and be so glad you made this decision. Feel free to add me if you want support along the way.
  • sssgilber
    sssgilber Posts: 90 Member
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    Being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Living with pain and uncertainty, being subject to a jerk's whims and moods is far worse.

    A "Sex In The City" storyline about break-ups had an observation from Charlotte that it takes half as long to get over a relationship as the time the relationship lasted; i.e. 6 months for a year, 20 months for 3 1/2 years. Don't rush yourself. Your emotional health is seriously bruised and, like a physical injury, will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Wallow for a while, then refuse to give the jerk anymore of your brain space.
  • KintsugiCurlyQueen
    KintsugiCurlyQueen Posts: 68 Member
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    Thank you one and all for your replies. Today is D-Day and as much as I know I have a long, painful road ahead of me, it is one better travelled now than five/ten years down the line.
  • Squidgeypaws007
    Squidgeypaws007 Posts: 1,012 Member
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    Good luck :flowerforyou:

    As Zen girl says, take your time grieving - you deserve to move on with no qualms of conscience. You deserve someone who doesn't bring you down or make you feel bad.

    And it sounds like you already had your big girl panties on :p
  • stt43
    stt43 Posts: 487
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    Good luck, let us know how you get on if you want to :-)
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    The end of a long term relationship is like a bereavement - you suffer a loss and realise that life must move forwards without that person in your life.

    You cry for what has happened.

    Your cry fro what could have been.

    You cry for what may happen in the future.

    But you survive. The crying lessens. And the world continues to turn with you on it.
  • suecan2
    suecan2 Posts: 45
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    i soo feel for you. this is such a painful time. words can hardly console you and actions can barely remove the awkwardness of not having the one you love at your side or really, even on the same page. i so live this, i left my 25 year marriage nearly 4 years ago, but still have been unable to move forward with my life. that emotional pain is paralyzing i may say. but --- what i would like to say to you (as i live daily) i refuse to let that pain drag me through the mud (the unclear emotions), instead, since we have choices, i wake up daily and choose to stand tall and tread through that pile of mud with power! life isn't pretty - but it is what we make of it. even though the path is challenging, we can make our sights ahead clear and be the great, energetic, friendly people we really are just shine so very bright!
  • jennz81
    jennz81 Posts: 194 Member
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    *Bear Hugz* I'm very sorry that you have to go through this, but think about it this way : you'll be much happier, and you'll find someone who is worth your time and energy. Stay strong!
  • starrycarina
    starrycarina Posts: 59
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    It's definitely hard! I left my ex in 2003 after living with him four years. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life but I learned so much from it and it really made me into a stronger person! You're going to be just fine. Just hang in there! It will get easier.
  • 47Jacqueline
    47Jacqueline Posts: 6,993 Member
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    I just broke up with my boyfriend last night after about five years. I have been unhappy for a while, but was too afraid to leave because I felt that at my age (66), I would never find someone else. I am, however, glad I finally took the action of leaving the relationship because I was really not happy. My therapist has been encouraging me to move on, but I was unwilling to take the risk for a while, but this morning, after a not so bad conversation with him, I am feeling relieved.

    I now believe it was worth the risk. I don't feel lonely and I am not going to jump into anything new very soon. My mother died in August and I have been grieving for her. This is another big life change and I know that I need to heal from both.

    I am glad to have the support of some friends on MFP so I don't stuff myself in response to this action. I am also feeling good about myself, having been on maintenance for a few months.

    The best thing we can do as women is to be good to ourselves.
  • gwenr
    gwenr Posts: 139 Member
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    Better to end it now then after Xyears and Xkids.....take it from me. :)
  • ekz13
    ekz13 Posts: 725 Member
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    I would say, if your not happy now, your not going to get happier later with the situation.. do what's best for you or you'll regret it later..


    as for the healing, like many have said, take your time, grieve for what you need to greive for but take that anger at what you've lost and deal with that too

    go to the good will, buy a set of plates for $5... then take those

    write down with a sharpie everything you thought you had, everything you hate about it, everything he broke your trust with...

    and then SMASH THE **** outta those plates, release all that betrayal, hurt, negative emotions and the when they are all gone, clean it up and move on with your process until your ready to start new..
  • ErinMLB
    ErinMLB Posts: 100 Member
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    Anytime that you decide that the dream you've thought you've wanted isn't what you actually want, you're bound to be sad, and angry , and confused etc. Let yourself feel what you're feeling, don't try to bury it. But make the best decision for you, it's time to be a bit selfish :)

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