Getting over the pity party? (dating related)

natalieyeo39
natalieyeo39 Posts: 90 Member
in Chit-Chat
Gah this is so embarrassing but rough summary, I'm 23 (in December) and never had a relationship. Nada. I've always been the chubby girl but not that chubby, like about 10-20 pounds more than the average skinny girl? I'm 5'4 as well. I won't say my face is bad because I always get the "you'll be so pretty if you lose weight" or "you have a pretty face" aka shape up and lose than 10-20 pounds. Anyway as a result I got the day girl syndrome, i.e. I make it a point to be nice and friendly to other people, but still, this complete lack of a love life is kids disturbing. When fellow girls ask about my 'ex's it's always an awkward moment. To cap it off, since I've always been the fat female chill out friend, I've always treated male friends as friends that I joke with, mock, talk about video games and soccer. So some of them seem to think that I'm lesbian despite my love for makeup.

To top it off, I just graduated from college and I'm now studying/working in fashion so all the men I know are either gay (designers) or old (suppliers). Plus I'm doing a startup so I'm working alone so when loneliness strikes my thoughts goes back to having been forever alone. I suppose my problem could be that I'm not the kind to talk to complete strangers in public but I can't just depend on my friends to keep introducing other friends to me! Or maybe this is just be taking my mind off work to more depressing topics. I know that I'm moving forward towards my goals: losing weight (lost 8 pounds since mid aug) and financial independence (startup and stocks) but it just sucks when I think about how I'm lacking one area in life that is so fundamental to other people and this is supposedly the prime of my dating life.

I'm currently sitting in at my table with one servin of chips and dips (210 cals) when I should be going to the bank and paying my bills. I've heard of setting a time limit of 10 mins for the pity party, but any other tips for getting out of this phase?

Replies

  • ThePlight
    ThePlight Posts: 3,593 Member
    Well, would help if you talked to more strangers. Strangers are only strangers until you get to know them ;)
    Good luck!
  • michellemybelll
    michellemybelll Posts: 2,228 Member
    some of them seem to think that I'm lesbian despite my love for makeup.

    dafuq? because lesbians don't like makeup? :huh:

    yeah. you definitely need to get out more. to say the very least.
  • Mobilemuscle
    Mobilemuscle Posts: 945 Member
    Really sounds like a case of social awkwardness....

    just takes practice.... need to get out there
  • Qomplicated
    Qomplicated Posts: 92
    I'll be you up at 8, dinners on me!
  • hollyberry2012
    hollyberry2012 Posts: 239 Member
    Pity. Hmmmm. Every emotion is expended energy. Has it been worth it? Did you get any dividend on that investment of your precious energy, you time? Maybe? It made you take the time to type out this post. And its good to get things off your chest.

    But having done that, how about working on something this week that attracts people to u...happiness:) give it a try saying to urself, u know what, i dont care if i NEVER get married, im not about to give away something i have for something i want that will only be wonderful if i have happiness in my life anyway right?

    Smile! A lot!! Fake it at first !!! Dont worry, it will be natural in no time. And whatever you do...this is the most important part of success..stay in the moment only.
  • hollyberry2012
    hollyberry2012 Posts: 239 Member
    IN THE FREAKING MOMENT I SAID! lolol everytime i catch you meandering around in the past or worrying and picturing the future, imma kick ur butt ..ha!!!
  • natalieyeo39
    natalieyeo39 Posts: 90 Member
    some of them seem to think that I'm lesbian despite my love for makeup.

    dafuq? because lesbians don't like makeup? :huh:

    yeah. you definitely need to get out more. to say the very least.

    Ohh, I think my sentence structure was wrong! What I meant was that since I like the typical 'guy' activities, they thought I was a lesbian of the butch/male sort. =/ In my country, we rarely see fem-fem lesbian couples (prob since people just assume they are friends instead), its usually butch-fem, so that's the stereotype.
  • natalieyeo39
    natalieyeo39 Posts: 90 Member
    Thank you everyone for the replies! After munching on 3 servings of chips and dips, I feel like crap =/ but then I ate some chicken breast casserole so I feel much better and more focused on doing work!

    @ThePlight: That is true! It was hard in my country (conservative Asian country), because if you talk to strangers, people usually think you are trying to scam/sell insurance to them. So they usually flinch if a stranger even approaches them.

    @Mobilemuscle: Definitely! I was a really awkward kid growing up but thankfully my years in university has matured me. Actually now that I look back upon it, the awkwardness was actually positive in a way because things like teen pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse just sailed by me since I wasn't into any crowd at all, and that's why I can just leave my country to do business in a completely different country! So awkwardness or loose social networks has its positives :)

    @Qomplicated: Aww that's sweet! Pity we are on different continents.

    @hollyberry201: YESSS! Please kick my *kitten* if I wonder about the past or worry about the future! I think it's a slight defense mechanism to avoid doing work and thinking of the mountain of things I need to do for my startups. Things that have happened in the past, I can sit back and ponder over, I can't do that about things that have not even happened! Don't worry dear, I smile a lot, all the time in fact!
  • CharleePear
    CharleePear Posts: 1,948 Member
    I totally know how you feel. It's not that I haven't been in a relationship but for me its been horrible relationship one after another, been used and hurt and now I have completely single, no dates for 5 years. I worry that it's because I am curvy. I like muscley guys especially with tats. Pretty hard to find around here.
  • chellycakes
    chellycakes Posts: 347 Member
    Ummmm we sound exactly the same!! Lonely twins! :(
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    Try internet dating (actually there is one site that is supposed to be terrific - I think it's called MFP or something...)

    Then you too can realise that actually, having lots of attention, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
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  • CharleePear
    CharleePear Posts: 1,948 Member
    If you're looking for a potential relationship I'd recommend getting yourself on a dating website. In my opinion there is less of a social stigma attached to this method now than what there used to be.

    This will give you experience in talking to "strangers" and who knows, you might get talking to someone who takes your fancy.

    @msf74 beat me to it (in a way)

    I have no trouble talking to strangers personally, I know you were probably talking to the girl who made this forum post. But I have tried internet dating all the guys on there that like me are creeps or ugly. I haven't once had a chance to date someone I actually was attracted to. It feels like it does come back to being curvy.
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
    But I have tried internet dating all the guys on there that like me are creeps or ugly. I haven't once had a chance to date someone I actually was attracted to. It feels like it does come back to being curvy.

    Out of curiosity what site or sites did you use?

    I have no experience of internet dating but on an intellectual level I think if you are looking for a quality relationship then it would be better to a) use a site that compels people to pay for use and b) compels users to spend a lot of time and thought filling out their profile.

    I say this because that would probably eliminate a large % of the chancers who are playing the odds for a shag without having to worry too much about cost or effort.

    My previous comments about using MFP as a dating site where clearly a bit tongue in cheek but there is an element of truth to it. It seems clear to me that is you bond with someone over shared interests it can really be the case that attraction and love then flourishes. The "Hollywood" version of instant love is not the most common one.
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  • CharleePear
    CharleePear Posts: 1,948 Member
    If you're looking for a potential relationship I'd recommend getting yourself on a dating website. In my opinion there is less of a social stigma attached to this method now than what there used to be.

    This will give you experience in talking to "strangers" and who knows, you might get talking to someone who takes your fancy.

    @msf74 beat me to it (in a way)

    I have no trouble talking to strangers personally, I know you were probably talking to the girl who made this forum post. But I have tried internet dating all the guys on there that like me are creeps or ugly. I haven't once had a chance to date someone I actually was attracted to. It feels like it does come back to being curvy.

    Yeah, it was intended towards the OP.

    Admittedly online dating can be hit and miss. And I can appreciate totally what you're saying.

    Me personally, I tried it way back and whilst nothing long term came of it I actually made some new friends that I still speak to now. Went on some dates, some were successful, some were horrorific and the person I spoke with turned out to be completely different persinality wise.

    You never know until you try. :bigsmile:

    This is true, the bad experiences I have had with them were too horrific for a public forum so I keep away now. Once bitten twice shy you know?
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    I met my wonderful late husband volunteering for a charity I was tremendously interested in. That's a great way to meet people you have something in common with. I also made some lifelong friendships the same way. You might research volunteer work for your personal interests. You might also try online dating. I've never done that, but my sister met her husband that way.
  • michellemybelll
    michellemybelll Posts: 2,228 Member
    i actually met my boyfriend here on MFP. he is quite literally the man of my dreams. sometimes it really does happen when and where you least expect it. if you're constantly looking for it, and searching it out, the stench of desperation will announce your presence everywhere you turn. just relax, enjoy your life, and let it be.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    Dont worry youre young. Just have fun go out when your friends invite you and be yourself. It happens it always does.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    ...any other tips for getting out of this phase?

    If you have to, force yourself to think of good things more often than bad. Listen to yourself when you talk and see if you are lifting people up or sounding negative more often than not. Change your internal dialog, work on your external dialog, and soon enough the positivity will start breaking down and you will find your inspiration inside while inspiring others.

    The side effect is, people are drawn to positive people, so you will have more company. Then...THEN you can start looking for something more.

    Good luck.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    You're 22 and can't figure out how to meet guys?

    That's gonna suck when you're 35 and realize all you have to do to meet a guy is fog a mirror.
  • Howdoyoufeeltoday
    Howdoyoufeeltoday Posts: 481 Member
    You really shouldn`t be feeling bad about this. I`m 23 and a lot of my friends around my age have either never dated or only had one boyfriend. Actually one of which is also in fashion. No one thinks any less of them or wonders why they haven't dated...cause anyone who`s dated knows it takes a lot of work and for people who have a passion they`re trying to bring to life it`s hard to get that in. If you feel pressured to date cause of your age then don't cause trust me you`re not the only one. But if you really wanna be with someone then think of going out to lunch on some days to a coffee shop and strike up a conversation. or take an fun class for something else you enjoy other then fashion (since men seem to be so hard to find in that area) like music or something you like. Or just don't push it. let it happen when it happens, and it will happen. you shouldn't be in a rush. I`ve been in relationships and none were on my list of things I would like to experience again. Now I`m just single and bitter....which means I might not be a good person to take advice from...:tongue:

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