Should your "ideal" be primarily yours or your partner's?

shining_light
shining_light Posts: 384 Member
in Motivation and Support
Last night, I was kind of bragging to my partner about how my biceps look. Unlike most women, I DO have the genetic potential to put on bulk, and also unlike most women, I LOVE that fact. My partner, however, does not. He likes thin women. I get that, but our ideas of fit and beautiful females are obviously quite different. I, for one, think Jamie Eason is about the hottest thing on God's green earth and would kill to have a body like hers. Seriously, she's my idol.

My partner, however, would consider that to be too much "bulk", I'm sure. I get the idea that he thinks visible abs on a woman are weird. I'm also getting mixed signals from him about it. Obviously he doesn't like bulky arms, but he likes being able to feel and see the muscles in my upper back. I don't really get it. I don't know what I should be doing to keep him and myself happy.

As I see it, he'd be far happier with me being thin than with me being "toned", so to speak. Regardless of this, as I said, I don't have genetic potential to get "toned" in the first place. My genetic potential allows me to get "f-ing ripped", and I'm happy with that fact. Also, one thing I don't like about the "toned" look is because women can achieve that with lifting far less than "heavy" or even doing something like pilates or yoga. That's not what I'm about. If I'm lifting heavy, I damn well want it to LOOK like I've been lifting heavy, if you know what I mean.

So, should I want what he wants because I want him to always find me sexually attractive(and of course I want that), or should I strive to look like I want to? Like I say, bodybuilder physique is not my goal; Jamie Eason-esque "toned" is, even when that's way too much muscle definition for a lot of men, him included. Thoughts?

Replies

  • contingencyplan
    contingencyplan Posts: 3,639 Member
    There is only one thing you will ever truly have dominion over in your life, and that is your body. As long as you take care not to use it that makes you a danger to yourself or others, you are free to do with it as you wish, and anybody who does not respect that fact, does not respect you.

    That's my opinion.
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
    Your ideal should be what you like, not him. And if you did start showing more muscle definition, I bet he'd change his mind about how he feels about it.
  • kowajenn
    kowajenn Posts: 274 Member
    Your opinion is what matters, of course.

    People do have a type, and there's nothing wrong with that. He's expressing to you what his type is. A relationship will only last if there is far more than just a physical attraction.
  • S3r3knitty
    S3r3knitty Posts: 159 Member
    I would go for a compromise. So more toned than he likes but less than you would like?
    Of course it's your body and you can do what you want with it but I believe that in a relationsship you need to make compromises sometimes.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    Only you can have say over your body ( for the most part). Everyone has a different genetic make up and not all of us can bulk up and not all of us can be Twiggy. Do what you feel is right for you. You want to be happy and healthy for him. I just read an article about marriage. Basically it said if the wife is happy the marriage will be strong and last while the same correlation does not apply to husbands. :laugh:
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    If you and your partner were to seperate, you would still have your body. Your opinion is the one that matters most.

    My partner doesn't particularly find muscly women attractive either, and he has told me this. However, he loves me for far more than my body and just wants me to be happy, and this is what makes the difference. And as time goes on, he's actually quite liking it. I think once he discovered lifting heavy things won't turn me into she-hulk overnight, he's happy with the idea. Your partner may be the same. :wink:
  • sabified
    sabified Posts: 1,035 Member
    Only you can have say over your body ( for the most part). Everyone has a different genetic make up and not all of us can bulk up and not all of us can be Twiggy. Do what you feel is right for you. You want to be happy and healthy for him. I just read an article about marriage. Basically it said if the wife is happy the marriage will be strong and last while the same correlation does not apply to husbands. :laugh:


    LOL!! That's hilarious!
    But really, I would still try to make him happy, in that when you love someone you do want them to be happy... but that being said, I agree with the person who replied and said that you need more than physical attraction to make a relationship last. If you want to get muscle definition, it's YOUR body for you to do that with. And he needs to respect that. Maybe just don't go all she-hulk, lol...
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    If your ideal is healthy and reasonable and sustainable for you, then you should strive for that. I think physical attractiveness is incredibly important in romantic relationships, but if what your partner wants is not what YOU want, then you're going to be miserable trying to live up to HIS expectations. It's got to be easier to find someone who wants you to do your thing than to live with someone who wants to dictate what your body should look like.
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Only you can have say over your body ( for the most part). Everyone has a different genetic make up and not all of us can bulk up and not all of us can be Twiggy. Do what you feel is right for you. You want to be happy and healthy for him. I just read an article about marriage. Basically it said if the wife is happy the marriage will be strong and last while the same correlation does not apply to husbands. :laugh:

    True. Basically what I've noted is pretty much regardless of anything else, a good sex life is a good indicator of how everything else goes in the relationship. As I see it, though, marriage is about sacrifice. We discussed this last night and an article I read, basically saying that your role in the marriage is to make your partner happy, and you have to trust that they are also going to do what they can to make you happy. It's not your job to make sure that YOU are happy in your marriage. I thought it was well-worded. It's true that my body is the only thing I have ultimate control over, but I know in the past that attitude has lead to eating disordered behaviors in me and relinquishing some of that control is probably what is best for me.

    With all that in mind, though, he knows that working out obviously makes me happy which in turn makes it easier to keep him happy.

    I like S3R3knitty's approach on compromise. Like I said, he's loved the feeling and look of my back muscles, for example, when I've been working out.
  • peleroja
    peleroja Posts: 3,979 Member
    I certainly want my boyfriend to be physically attracted to me, but it's not like he only thinks I'm hot at one precise weight or size. It's a continuum- like, when I've heavier he loves my bigger chest, but when I'm lighter he likes my flat stomach, etc. He likes both and he never complains, fortunately. I like my body thinner than he does (I like about 110 but he likes 125-ish), and I actually stopped losing at about 117 this summer for that reason. But that's really not a big compromise and it's worth it to me. It's all about his attitude, though. If he wasn't nice about it, there is no way I'd cave to his wishes because I need to feel good about my body.

    So...yeah. Pleasing your partner with your appearance is considerate but you have to be happy too. Fortunately there is a wide spectrum possible, so it's not impossible to find a shape and size you like that turns him on too. Just because it's not the ideal he'd pick out of thin air doesn't mean he won't find it sexy.
  • misschoppo
    misschoppo Posts: 463 Member
    Personally I think that when it comes you your own body you should not have to compromise. If looking a certain way makes you feel great then you shouldn't need to tone it down or change it to make yourself more attractive to someone else. That being said everyone does have physical preferences and I can appreciate that if he prefers what you deem to be a "thin" rather than muscular physique on you then that is just his preference and you can't change that so it really just depends on how you feel about it :ohwell:
  • csheltra26
    csheltra26 Posts: 272 Member
    My hubby loves Jamie Eason and would love for me to look even a little bit as good as she does.
  • TheGymGypsy
    TheGymGypsy Posts: 1,023 Member
    Regardless of what your body looks like, you will still be you. If your partner is not attracted to your personality, do yourself a favor and move on now. :)
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Regardless of what your body looks like, you will still be you. If your partner is not attracted to your personality, do yourself a favor and move on now. :)

    Lol. The attractiveness to personality will never be a problem, I don't think. I put up with and even encourage his strange, borderline-eccentric habits(like spending a weekend helping him run speaker wire to all of the rooms on the upper floor so we can have music in every room. He already wired up the kitchen for me). Also, being 12 years younger than him really gives me a leg up in the situation... I have a personality that is mature enough for his age with a youthfulness that he says makes all the men he knows jealous. And, you know, cooking all his meals kind of helps that too. ;)

    It's just that I don't ever want to be in a situation that he's attracted to me for just my personality, if that makes sense. I want him to be attracted to everything about me. I no longer have pink hair like I do in my profile picture (law offices don't like that sort of thing. Lol) and I haven't for some time, but I could use it as an example of things I did to myself that he was unsure about initially and grew to really love. He was pretty mopey about for a while after I dyed it back to my natural color. Lol. I guess people adapt to and learn to like change, right? I think it's probably fair to assume that as I become happier with my body, he probably will too because I'll be happier in general. And who loves absolutely everything about their partner anyway?
  • climbing_trees
    climbing_trees Posts: 726 Member
    yours yours yours yours yours yours

    Though I'm willing to be that as you become happier with your body and lifestyle, your confidence goes up, he will not mind so much. I believe confidence is so much sexier than anything else. When you strut in the bedroom in a new lingerie set, feeling smoking hot and powerful, he will not even think twice about your arms being an inch bigger around than his "ideal."
  • PetulantOne
    PetulantOne Posts: 2,131 Member
    There is only one thing you will ever truly have dominion over in your life, and that is your body. As long as you take care not to use it that makes you a danger to yourself or others, you are free to do with it as you wish, and anybody who does not respect that fact, does not respect you.

    That's my opinion.

    All of this
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,286 Member
    I guess "ideally" you and your partner would have similar mindsets on what is attractive.
  • skadoosh33
    skadoosh33 Posts: 353 Member
    Just googled Jamie Eason, wow. My initial reaction-gorgeous. My next reaction-time to get off the forum and get my workout in.
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Just googled Jamie Eason, wow. My initial reaction-gorgeous. My next reaction-time to get off the forum and get my workout in.

    I should seriously wallpaper my workout room with pictures of her, honestly. I've seen some of her pregnancy pictures, and she looks positively stunning in those even. :P
  • mojohowitz
    mojohowitz Posts: 900 Member
    Yours. /thread
  • TheGymGypsy
    TheGymGypsy Posts: 1,023 Member
    Regardless of what your body looks like, you will still be you. If your partner is not attracted to your personality, do yourself a favor and move on now. :)

    Lol. The attractiveness to personality will never be a problem, I don't think. I put up with and even encourage his strange, borderline-eccentric habits(like spending a weekend helping him run speaker wire to all of the rooms on the upper floor so we can have music in every room. He already wired up the kitchen for me). Also, being 12 years younger than him really gives me a leg up in the situation... I have a personality that is mature enough for his age with a youthfulness that he says makes all the men he knows jealous. And, you know, cooking all his meals kind of helps that too. ;)

    It's just that I don't ever want to be in a situation that he's attracted to me for just my personality, if that makes sense. I want him to be attracted to everything about me. I no longer have pink hair like I do in my profile picture (law offices don't like that sort of thing. Lol) and I haven't for some time, but I could use it as an example of things I did to myself that he was unsure about initially and grew to really love. He was pretty mopey about for a while after I dyed it back to my natural color. Lol. I guess people adapt to and learn to like change, right? I think it's probably fair to assume that as I become happier with my body, he probably will too because I'll be happier in general. And who loves absolutely everything about their partner anyway?

    I know how you feel, my boyfriend is 13 years older then me as well. And I understand you wanting him to be attracted to you physically. But isn't it more important to be attracted to yourself? Plus your confidence will be through the roof which makes anyone incredibly sexy.
  • TheGirlsATimeBomb
    TheGirlsATimeBomb Posts: 434 Member
    so you're telling me... he DOESN'T want to bang this?
    tumblr_mhbauvJMbn1ri47ito1_1280.jpg
  • redheaddee
    redheaddee Posts: 2,005 Member
    This one is easy, IMHO. Your ideal should be YOURS. If he doesn't like you for you, than he needs to bugger off so the right one can step in.

    Jamie Eason is too muscular? Well than count me in, I would love to be "too muscular". Also, Christmas Abbot. I would switch sides. Sorry but that's one sexy beast right there.
  • Bradykirk
    Bradykirk Posts: 12 Member
    STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY!
    It is your body - do what feels goo for you.
  • kellenas
    kellenas Posts: 154
    My ideal has always been mine. Of course, his and mine are very similar. He doesn't like really skinny and I can't get really skinny anyway.
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    The picture that someone posted of Jamie Eason in the forum: that cannot possibly be a recent picture of her. She is f-ing ripped now. Her arms are much bigger and more defined than that now. That picture posted is his ideal. Her more recent, pre-pregnancy physique is MY ideal.

    http://media1.santabanta.com/full1/Global Celebrities(F)/Jamie Eason/jamie-eason-3h.jpg

    THIS is the Jamie Eason I'm thinking of. ;)
  • jwdieter
    jwdieter Posts: 2,582 Member
    Sounds like a lot more drama than conditions warrant. I could engage my wife in a debate about Chris Hemsworth in Thor, and how much muscle/definition is "too much", because, you know, why not. Maybe she likes that level of muscle, maybe she likes Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity better. Doesn't make a lick of difference in the real world. I'll lift and eat and at the end of the day, I look like me.

    Nothing wrong with aspiring to look like a fitness model. Just seems a little goofy to get in an argument about it. Good luck.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    So, should I want what he wants because I want him to always find me sexually attractive(and of course I want that), or should I strive to look like I want to? Like I say, bodybuilder physique is not my goal; Jamie Eason-esque "toned" is, even when that's way too much muscle definition for a lot of men, him included. Thoughts?

    That's up to you to decide. You'll be giving something up - which is fine, because everybody going into a relationship gives something up - the question is whether what you get back is worth at least as much as you're giving up.

    Nobody can answer that but you.

    Good luck!
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
    Only you can have say over your body ( for the most part). Everyone has a different genetic make up and not all of us can bulk up and not all of us can be Twiggy. Do what you feel is right for you. You want to be happy and healthy for him. I just read an article about marriage. Basically it said if the wife is happy the marriage will be strong and last while the same correlation does not apply to husbands. :laugh:

    True. Basically what I've noted is pretty much regardless of anything else, a good sex life is a good indicator of how everything else goes in the relationship. As I see it, though, marriage is about sacrifice. We discussed this last night and an article I read, basically saying that your role in the marriage is to make your partner happy, and you have to trust that they are also going to do what they can to make you happy. It's not your job to make sure that YOU are happy in your marriage. I thought it was well-worded. It's true that my body is the only thing I have ultimate control over, but I know in the past that attitude has lead to eating disordered behaviors in me and relinquishing some of that control is probably what is best for me.

    With all that in mind, though, he knows that working out obviously makes me happy which in turn makes it easier to keep him happy.

    I like S3R3knitty's approach on compromise. Like I said, he's loved the feeling and look of my back muscles, for example, when I've been working out.

    i disagree that marriage is "about sacrifice." Are there sometimes sacrifices to be made? Sure. I think that is standard in any relationship, including friendships, and there are more sacrifices for a spouse (or unmarried SO). But I don't think that's the central purpose of marriage. This kind of feeds into the next point.

    I also disagree that it isn't your job to make sure you are happy. It most certainly is. Let's say your spouse is trying to make you happy by sacrificing chickens, and that is something that does not make you happy, I think you should tell him and show him something he could do to make you happy. That's taking ownership of your own happiness. You can't just sit around and wait for someone to do something to make you happy.

    But those 2 points are neither here nor there in regards to your original question. And to answer it, it should be your ideal.
  • mojohowitz
    mojohowitz Posts: 900 Member

    ...basically saying that your role in the marriage is to make your partner happy, and you have to trust that they are also going to do what they can to make you happy. It's not your job to make sure that YOU are happy in your marriage.


    Too many people go around looking for someone to fill the gaping psychological vacuum that drives all their behaviors. They need to fix that **** first. Then a person might actually have something to contribute to a marriage other than an eternal soul sucking co-dependence.

    If you are not happy, you are not holding up your end of the marriage bargain.

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