help recovering (restrictive eating, orthorexia and bulimia)

t_rainspotting
t_rainspotting Posts: 6
in Motivation and Support
I'd really appreciate it if you could take a couple of minutes to read my story:

I had bulimia (binging/self-induced vomiting) and then discovered MFP over a year ago. At the beginning I was doing well with it - reaching my recommended calorie intake and such each day
..but then i began to over-exercise, making sure my total calorie intake was 0 each day (i remember one time i had some KFC i felt so guilty i was on the exercycle til 4am.)
I became so obsessed with food and calories, I'd have a mint and have to note down it was 2 cals and I'd be checking the back of toothpaste tubes as I was so paranoid. I was on food blogs or watched food tv all day.
Over about 2 months i lost over 10kgs and became underweight. People began complimenting me, telling me I looked good and healthy and strangely the sad irony made me feel good.

Over that time I had cut out breads, pasta, meat and dairy and sugar. I was practically just living on vegetables - I really hate vegetables. The thing is I didn't fully realize I'd turned so extreme. Normally I'd eat meat everyday, I always had done and I'd despised most vegetables - especially carrots - but i'd ended dependant on them as one of my few 'safe foods'.

A few months from then, on my birthday, we went to a buffet - i indulged myself - and i hated myself. I relapsed into the self-induced vomiting cycle of bulimia.
Since then I've gained back the 10kgs and I've been meaning to get back on track again (to how I was when I initially began MFP) but I know it's going to be extremely difficult -
I just see myself going in a constant cycle from orthorexic>restrictive eating>bulimia.

I was wondering if someone perhaps with similar experience (but anyone, really) could provide some advice on breaking the cycle and help me get my life back on track?

Cheers.
:]

Replies

  • darrensurrey
    darrensurrey Posts: 3,942 Member
    You've gone from one issue to another. The problem is not food or your weight - it's much deeper. I would seek the help of a professional. You will find it easier to achieve what you want with their help. That's my professional opinion. ;)

    Edit: and before anyone accuses me of trying to drum up business: do not employ my services. :-D
  • decblessings
    decblessings Posts: 113 Member
    Take it one day at a time. I agree you probably need some counselling. I'm working to overcome some long term ED behaviors. Learn your triggers and patterns that you fall into. Avoid those triggers and try to find distractions or ways to create new patterns. Be honest and open with someone you can trust to help keep you accountable. Hopefully this is someone who will be supportive without making you feel worse for the slip ups. Don't be too hard on yourself if you have a slip up, but try to make them happen less and less frequently. Consider counselling and I've been experimenting with some different prescriptions from my doctor to help control my issues. Take small steps toward recovery and soon you'll see how far those baby steps can take you. Good luck!!!
  • t_rainspotting
    t_rainspotting Posts: 6
    I've already been to counselling for depression and I really hated it there, I didn't feel I could trust the therapists and psychiatrist. It's the place everyone gets referred to here if you have those kinds of issues and I really don't want to go back.

    At one of my first sessions there they asked me a number of questions and one was "Have you ever made yourself throw up after eating?" and I was still unsure of the therapist so I paused for a second to decide whether I should trust them and be honest and before I could answer she laughed and said "I know some of these questions sound crazy but some people have these issues." So I decided to lie to them about any issues with food.

    Then one day I was in bed and the doctors' were about to close and out of nowhere they made me go for an 'emergency blood test' because they suspected I had an eating disorder. I somehow got away with it - they even checked my teeth for acidity or something and they concluded that I was fine despite me purging atleast twice a day.

    When I decided to stop taking my medication and refused to go to the place anymore they sent me a letter which basically said "Before you began visiting us you had *list of symptoms*. Fortunately after spending some time with our specialists most of these symptoms have been reduced or are no longer applicable." - Which was utter bull**** and made me feel sick.
    If anything my whole experience with counselling has made me trust people even less.
  • darrensurrey
    darrensurrey Posts: 3,942 Member
    I'm sorry to hear that your counselling experiences haven't been positive. You mentioned the need to trust the person you're working with and you're right - you need to be able to trust them as well as "click" with them so that you can be honest with them; you should naturally get on with and trust them without having to "force" yourself to trust them against your better judgement. There is the right therapist out there for you so perhaps see if you can get a referral to another person.
  • t_rainspotting
    t_rainspotting Posts: 6
    Quite a number of my friends have been referred to that place too and they've left as well because of not 'clicking' with the therapists. Unless I move cities, which is incredibly unlikely, I don't feel like going to counselling is an option.

    I feel like I can get better without them, using other resources like on here, and I did buy a book on recovering from eating disorders a few months ago (but I haven't read it yet, I guess because I'm not sure if I'm even ready to recover - which i'm aware is pathetic.)
  • lblert
    lblert Posts: 55
    I've cycled from one eating disorder to the next since adolescence (I'm in my 30s now.) It's a really tough cycle to break. I've been hospitalized and spent months in residential treatment along with outpatient treatment in the past. I realized that for me I really had to end it in stages. Like first I had to really get over restricting. And then I had to quit purging (which was the hardest part for me to deal with.) But I still binged and gained weight like crazy. Yet I wasn't ready to give up my ED completely - I still needed to hold on to a piece of it. Finally, 7 months ago, I decided to give up the binging and compulsive overeating. Giving up all the parts of my ED means not having food or weight or the behaviors really meant I was giving up my security blanket.

    Keep in mind EDs are really not about the food or the weight. It may seem that way on the surface, but EDs are really coping mechanisms to deal with internal stuff - depression, anxiety, trauma, control issues, etc. I'm sorry your therapy situation is not very desirable. You can try Overeaters Anonymous meetings - they have ones that have a bulimia/anorexia focus. I find group meetings/therapy a lot more helpful than individual therapy. But don't give up - recovery is possible.
  • darrensurrey
    darrensurrey Posts: 3,942 Member
    Quite a number of my friends have been referred to that place too and they've left as well because of not 'clicking' with the therapists. Unless I move cities, which is incredibly unlikely, I don't feel like going to counselling is an option.

    I feel like I can get better without them, using other resources like on here, and I did buy a book on recovering from eating disorders a few months ago (but I haven't read it yet, I guess because I'm not sure if I'm even ready to recover - which i'm aware is pathetic.)

    If you have the money, I'd go private and seek out an EFT therapist in your area. I've used it to help many types of addictions and other emotional issues.
  • heathercd
    heathercd Posts: 20 Member
    I completely agree with finding a private therapist - by sheer luck, during an extremely emotionally challenging part of my life when I sought therapy, I happened to connect with someone who had specialty working with people who had eating disorders. I cannot tell you the amazing amount of good that she was able to do for me. I had experience with other therapists before, and like you, I didn't trust/like them but this woman was amazing. If you can find someone who you can build a trusting relationship with, it was truly one of the biggest steps I was able to take in the healing process. Otherwise, I just fell back into the cycle again of paranoia and self-loathing if I 'messed up'. She was able to give me the foundation I needed to keep from going back again. Not to say I don't have days where I still think about it - but the difference is now I can think about it without acting on it.

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