Right, I need some help

Not_Actually_Me1 · November 2013

Hi all

I am a MFP user with a serious amount of success (went from 270lbs to 180). Am 6'3 and 20 years old... andddddd I think I have a serious eating problem.

This is not my actual MFP account since as the line of work I am currently in would have a serious problem with any diagnosed mental condition/medication/etc. Anonymity will make this easier.

Anyway.

I am extremely scared of gaining the weight again. And I am mean terrified. I know my recommended calorie intake is probably around 2400 cal (I do not get the the gym much anymore) but I am stuck mentally on the idea that I cannot go above 1700-1800 cal/day. I pretty much count every calorie that enters my body and even let my obsession with knowing how many calories I am consuming control large aspects of my life. What I am afraid this leads to are cycles of bingeing and fasting that I know cannot be good for me.

Let us have an example. Yesterday I had what I would consider a normal enough day (by 8pm, awake for about 12 hours I was at 1800ish calories - I warned you I count them ALL) when suddenly is 12:30am and I have personally consumed 90% of a box of Nilla Wafers, a bag of mint chocolate chips which I melted and dipped said Nilla Wafers in and a pint of Ice Cream (total calorie impact of around 2700) and probably blown over my net by around 2500 when you factor in random snacks and other mindless eating/drinking that occurred throughout the evening.

What scares me is that during the whole process is that I knew that this was bad for me and that I should not do it yet I did it anyway. Heck, the icecream at the end required a walk up to the gas station so I had to actually go out of my way to knock that one out. After this is done and I realize what I have "accomplished" I go into fixing mode. This takes a few forms. Starting before I go to bed I would binge eat a bunch of fiber pills so that I would digest this crap faster so that I would gain less weight from, I smoked a handful of cigarettes because I read once that it speeds up my metabolism and today I probably have been awake for around 10 hours and consumed a net of 500 calories.

So if that wasn't a whole list of problems, lemme add how I know the next few days will go. I will keep very exact count of everything that I eat to ensure that the 2500 calories over that I ate last night is accounted for in the next few days. My current thinking of this moment is that if I do not eat anything else tonight, I can eat my normal amount of food tomorrow (getting up to around 1800 cal) and be totally rid of the binge.

So that is my case study into my really, really bad relationship with food ever since losing all of that weight. I do not really know what I can accomplish by posting this here, perhaps I just need some support. Eventually I want to stop counting calories and letting food control so much of my life - I guess overall fix my relationship with food would be the end goal. Because believe me, as a 20 year old in my position I firmly believe that there is other stuff that I need to be focusing on that THIS.

So... yeah.

Cristlefir · November 2013

Hi Anonymous,

What you're describing is disordered eating, and to me what appears to be a mixture of binging/purging behaviors that are most commonly associated with bulimia nurvosa. Since you've already disclosed that you have a serious eating problem, this might not come as a surprise to you and it seems like your post is a reach out for help in a place where people aren't equipped to give you the help you need.

I'm a master's level therapist in MA, and having a lot of experience in dealing with issues like this, I strongly recommend that you reach out to anyone you may be close to and can support you and find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. The help and support you need can't come from the internet and certainly can't come from a forum. The help and support I can offer is to advise you to put your fear of judgement, shame, and guilt aside and reach out to anyone you can. If there is no one, you must act for yourself. Undoubtedly there is help in your area.

I can't imagine at 20 years old (I'm 24) that you have a job that is so sensitive that reaching out for mental health services will cause you that big of a problem. If it does, then my advice is to put your health and your well being above your job because there will be more jobs after this one, but you only have one life.

I've worked with a woman in the past, who is currently hospitalized. She is 5'7" and 84 pounds. She lives off IV fluid because she has done so much damage to her body that she can't ingest solid food. She still thinks that she needs to lose weight and often compromises her IV so that she can't get the nutrients her body needs to survive. She'll die because of her eating disorder.

I'm sorry if I sound like a bad 90's movie, but I'm offering you all I have: experience and the fact that I care about you, Anonymous, even though I don't know you. Your story stretches to me here in Massachusetts, where I hope I can help you make a hard, but right decision, because you are very young, and there is nothing more important than your future.

I hope you can find help where you are. I hope you see a time when you don't focus on this.

-Ashley

cafeaulait7 · November 2013

Hi

I was bulimic for a few years in high school, and you sound like you have some type of bulimia to me, too. Mine began with wanting to lose a bit of weight, but the control (and self-destructive or self-punishment) aspects of my diet tapped into some issues I was having emotionally. It wasn't really about the food, in other words. Therapy is definitely what I needed, and got

I didn't get a specialist in eating disorders. Mine was actually a specialist in addiction (among other things), but she was just a very good PhD, basically, and her manner really fit with me. My first therapist and I did not click, and that happens. I kind of don't recommend behaviorists for this sort of problem, but that might just be me. Best of luck!

Right, I need some help

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