He just does not get it.

Sheamousemom
Sheamousemom Posts: 17
in Motivation and Support
So I got on the scale today and it was up 7 lbs since Friday. I have worked in the medical field all my life and I understand how that can happen, to much salt-probably from the chicken I made, PMS, hard workout, the long hike on sat moving the tree we cut down on Sunday blah blah but it makes me sad and is discouraging. I was bummed and tried to talk to my husband about it and he does not get it He is thin and athletic and always has been. He eats whatever, whenever and at 46 still never has to worry a bit about is weight. for me the last 40 years have been a struggle. I come from a family of mainly morbidly obese people and have those gene, he comes from a family of athlete. He just gives me lectures about eat less and diet more and it will be fine and goes off to eat a bowl of ice cream while I hoof it on the treadmill.

I am feeling so down I am ready to just give in and give up for good. It is really hard fighting this battle every day living with someone who has no clue and who has used my battles as a weapon before in our less than blissful marital moments.

Replies

  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    This seems more appropriate for a marriage counselling board than for a calorie-counting board...?
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    its best since you know he doesnt get it to not share. Maybe if he's the sensitive type he'll understand, but it's my experience since men are so black and white and problem solvers that it's best to just keep it to yourself. Share your frustrations with your GF, or here on your friends list or among a group you belong to, and vent to those of us who do get it.

    Sorry they are men they dont get it. I'm 7months pregnant and he still hasnt figured out why I grunt trying to pick up something, and gets frustrated when I ask for any help.

    Oh and if you give him no ammo. You dont tell him about your frustrations and fears then he has nothing to hurt you with as it sounds like he goes for the jugular during arguments.

    And dont give up...you just do your own thing with or without him. Yes, support is nice but dont have expectations high for something that will never be.
  • 1ZenGirl
    1ZenGirl Posts: 432 Member
    This seems more appropriate for a marriage counselling board than for a calorie-counting board...?

    Weeelll, this is the Motivation and SUPPORT board.

    I understand and I hear you. I've been there. The only thing I can say is that you have to look deep within for your reason for your journey. While we want our spouses to be our biggest cheering section, it sounds like he just simply cannot relate. It doesn't make him bad or mean, it just means that you have to go elsewhere for support.

    MFP if a great place. Join a community group, read the forums, make it part of your experience. Remember the reason you started on this journey. Complain HERE. We have been through this and some of us (me) are still going through it. I come here every day now because this is part of my support network.

    You can do this. You really can. Hang in.
  • xoeva
    xoeva Posts: 209 Member
    This may sound harsh...but the sooner you realize your husband can't help you with this, the happier and healthier you will be. I'm sure he's a lovely husband, and has many talents, but he just doesn't have this skill....so get more MFP friends, or other support...
  • hikezilla
    hikezilla Posts: 174 Member
    You're in the medical field right?...when I had heart surgery several years ago...I was up and about and doing fine in my recovery except I felt like I was gaining weight...within about three weeks I was up 14 pounds, and walking every day and eating like a rabbit...so off to the Doc to ask him about it. I was holding water like a balloon....after three days of generic Lasics I was down 9 lbs, and in another week the other 5 lbs was gone....now I spent a considerable amount of time in front of the urinal...but it was incredible how much water I was holding. So now I take lasics as needed....and salty food will blow me up like a tick....so maybe you might want to talk to your doc about it. This can also be an early sign of congestive heart failure issues.

    Good luck and hang in there.
  • Doctorpurple
    Doctorpurple Posts: 507 Member
    Just based on all the activities and circumstances you listed your definitely retaining water. Women also retain water more likely than men due to hormonal cycling from menstruation. You retain water up to 7-10 lbs during your period. Exercising harder than usual makes you gain temporary weight due to lactic acid buildup and water retention to heal muscle micro tears. Give it time, the weight will come off. Its not always a straight path to weight loss and success. Look at the big picture and be patient.
  • Sherbog
    Sherbog Posts: 1,072 Member
    Loose him and you have lost over a hundred pounds. Put him on the back burner and concentrate on yourself. You have to really want it. Take all that attention your giving him and focus on yourself. You deserve to love yourself. You can do it.
  • AccioFitness
    AccioFitness Posts: 244 Member
    This may sound harsh...but the sooner you realize your husband can't help you with this, the happier and healthier you will be. I'm sure he's a lovely husband, and has many talents, but he just doesn't have this skill....so get more MFP friends, or other support...

    Yep. This.

    My husband is very similar to yours, OP. I jokingly call him "Spock", but the moniker is fairly accurate. He thinks in terms of logical explanations and stuggles at times to understand why I might be emotional about something or need a hug when he feels fine. He tries, he gets that he doesn't always say or do what helps me most, and we try to talk things out as much as we can.

    But one of the reasons I joined MFP was to have cheerleaders in my corner. Here I have a place to vent, I have friends who are struggling like I am and we help each other along. My husband is in full support of it since he knows he just Does Not Get It. He will celebrate every milestone with me, cheer me on when I get frustrated (in his own Vulcan kinda way) and offer the best support he can, but my real support is here.
  • jackielou867
    jackielou867 Posts: 422 Member
    Mine also is useless, and doesn't understand. He is not slim, he is big, and does not want to know how well I am doing. Probably jealous. But this is all about Me Me Me. I did this to be stronger, fitter, healthier, and because I never again want to cry in shop changing rooms because all the pretty clothes look hideous on me.
    Men are just not good sometimes at dealing with emotional stuff, which is what this is, because you already told us that you know you didn't really gain 7lb overnight. So relax. Plenty of people on here to give you motivation and support. :-)
  • LolaDeeDaisy23
    LolaDeeDaisy23 Posts: 383 Member
    I can completely relate. Part of the reason of my weight gain was because I moved in with my fiance. I would eat what he ate... which was basically everything. He didn't gain weight bc he works in a physically demanding job. I, on the other hand, am a full time student that doesn't work out so I obviously got fat while he stayed lean & fit.
    It sucks that I have to watch my cals while he can eat 2 large pizzas & not worry about getting fat, but that's life. You just have to make the best of what you're given. Mfp is a great place to find support & find people in the same boat as you, where you can make your journey with other people & not alone.
  • pinkraynedropjacki
    pinkraynedropjacki Posts: 3,027 Member
    Sounds a little like you are more upset that he can eat what he wants while you can't. That part you need to get over & fast. Other than that I have no idea why you are worried.
  • ElizabethFuller
    ElizabethFuller Posts: 352 Member
    Sounds like water to me, if I eat Dominos pizza (not very often, of course!) I can be 5lb heavier next day due to the salt.
    But I feel your pain, not only do I have a husband but I also have two big sons, all of whom are slim and can eat whatever they like. None of them understand dieting and none of them are interested in diets. I just don't talk about dieting at home, I try really hard not to whine about what I would like to eat and how the scales aren't going down fast enough and all the rest of that stuff..... And then I vent with my gfs and this site! I think you need to concentrate on you, this is your journey and it would be nice if your husband was more supportive but, to be honest, there's a limit to what he can do. What's worse, he could start with the "Should you be eating that?" stuff - I find that far more annoying! Keep it up, you're doing well and you've just got to stick with it!
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    My OH is the same age as me (43) and 145lb at 6ft of height.

    I used to give it all this... "oooh he can eat what he likes", but realistically I ate more than him, I made different food choices to him and he was a lot more active than me... So eat better and move more isn't actually bad advice.

    Frustrating it may be, but not incorrect.
  • skinnybythanksgiving
    skinnybythanksgiving Posts: 159 Member
    You're in the medical field right?...when I had heart surgery several years ago...I was up and about and doing fine in my recovery except I felt like I was gaining weight...within about three weeks I was up 14 pounds, and walking every day and eating like a rabbit...so off to the Doc to ask him about it. I was holding water like a balloon....after three days of generic Lasics I was down 9 lbs, and in another week the other 5 lbs was gone....now I spent a considerable amount of time in front of the urinal...but it was incredible how much water I was holding. So now I take lasics as needed....and salty food will blow me up like a tick....so maybe you might want to talk to your doc about it. This can also be an early sign of congestive heart failure issues.

    Good luck and hang in there.

    This is great advice. I would go to the doctor and give up the salt shaker and salty food. Also accept that some people don't support weight loss. some sabotage weight loss. These are the people I don't go to for support, ever. I find a group that supports my efforts 100%. One thing that has given me a lot of peace and acceptance is knowing I cannot change anyone else.
  • goodnamegone
    goodnamegone Posts: 237
    Stop weighing yourself for a while and just log calories and keep excercising. Your husband won't get it just like he probably can't play the violin either. Bless him he does his best but it ends up with you feellng frustrated and misunderstood and unsupported I imagine.

    Come to us here at this site and ask for encouragement and support. Advice and just comradery.

    You're doing so great hiking and moving stuff and being out and about. You may find that weight gone and more next week.

    Please keep going! Turning back is NOT an option.
  • queasy
    queasy Posts: 28
    Hi I can't imagine how difficult it's been to struggle with this for forty years. I am really sorry. I am 23 and very overweight and similar to you have a skinny athletic boyfriend who lives on pizzas and burgers and beer. The first thing I'll say is DO NOT GIVE UP! If you give up where will that get you? I din't know anything about your marriage or your life but if you let this stop you and get you down you will spend the rest of your life unhappy. And if you give in because of some one else you will be letting them win.

    He has not had to go through what you have. I think you need to try and disregard what he says to you surrounding this subject completely and accept they are his opinions and his thoughts but you don't have to take them into account. It is sad he is not more supportive and I am really sorry about that but this is your life, your body and the fact that you are fighting this fight means you are already winning. If those seven pounds upset you imagine how you would feel if you gave up completely and more pounds were added? And if there is already some tension with your husband and you give up because of him it will just cause more resentment.

    Maybe you should sit him down and try to explain how it makes you feel when he says these things and if he still doesnt understand then maybe the unfortunate fact is that you won't be able to share your journey with him. You need the people in your life to support you through this not make a hard fight even more difficult!

    I hope you sort this out and I definitely hope you do not give up the fight! Keep going and you'll get where you want!
  • queasy
    queasy Posts: 28
    You're in the medical field right?...when I had heart surgery several years ago...I was up and about and doing fine in my recovery except I felt like I was gaining weight...within about three weeks I was up 14 pounds, and walking every day and eating like a rabbit...so off to the Doc to ask him about it. I was holding water like a balloon....after three days of generic Lasics I was down 9 lbs, and in another week the other 5 lbs was gone....now I spent a considerable amount of time in front of the urinal...but it was incredible how much water I was holding. So now I take lasics as needed....and salty food will blow me up like a tick....so maybe you might want to talk to your doc about it. This can also be an early sign of congestive heart failure issues.

    Good luck and hang in there.

    This is great advice. I would go to the doctor and give up the salt shaker and salty food. Also accept that some people don't support weight loss. some sabotage weight loss. These are the people I don't go to for support, ever. I find a group that supports my efforts 100%. One thing that has given me a lot of peace and acceptance is knowing I cannot change anyone else.

    That last line is excellent advice! We can't change what anyone thinks so just change the way you think!
  • Sheamousemom
    Sheamousemom Posts: 17
    Thank you all for your insights and encouragement. After a good night's sleep I have gotten up and decided to carry on. He is basically a good guy and an excellent dad but I just have to accpet this is outside his realm of experience and move on. the quote about only changing myself was an important reminder. I also remembered a talk I saw Kurt vonnegut give once when he spoke about marriage a bit and said his thoughts on why so many marriages fail- because each person expects the other to be everything and that is just not possible and that is why we need friends and family--and websites (although they did not have websites when I saw him speak)
  • TheSwollMinister
    TheSwollMinister Posts: 246 Member
    (man advice here...just a head's up!) Remember too that lifting weights will help you burn fat faster and more efficiently than cardio alone. Best to have a good balance of cardio AND resistance training. BUT, the biggest key is going to be one simple word: INTENSITY.

    The more intense your workouts are, the more effectively you will be able to increase your at-rest metabolism rate. And that is the key to burning fat.

    http://www.beachbody.com/product/newsletters/nl_530-cardio-vs-weights-which-is-better-for-weight-loss.do

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