A little Friday humor

Ok, I'm feeling sorry for myself today as I've somehow managed to dislocate my hip last night while sleeping and it's getting to the time of the year where we could get buried in that white stuff any day. So, being the twisted individual I am, I thought I'd share one of my all time favorites so someone else can get a chuckle today. There's some mild language in the original, I think I managed to get it cleaned up to at least a PG rating.

I give you the "Diary of a Snow Shoveler..."


...December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l
don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
20 degrees. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *kitten* on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour.
Which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. *** **** snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white s**t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow
on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I
think the a**hole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
******* snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the (****ing) stuff
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE B***H is driving
me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?