Last resort....

Arodgers88
Arodgers88 Posts: 17
in Motivation and Support
I'm not sure if I should even be posting....I haven't logged all of my information in a few months, but I have been following it....I have been writing it down as I haven't been able to access the app on my phone.

Tonight was mine and my husbands 10th year anniversary. We are 25. We have both been working out (me longer and more frequently than him) 2-6 times per week ( usually 4-5 days per week and more if possible and less if unable; I have been working out longer than he has and I have cut out preservatives, meats, carbs, etc.

He has been on this "rate me fetish" and is constantly asking me to rate him and his looks. He is my 10. I love him. I feel like if someone rates another on a 1-10 scale that the scale should be reflective of the specific person and not compared to impossibilities like actresses/actors, ufc fighters, models, etc. My husband disagrees. He rated me a 6..."or a 7" and said that he would be happy/settle for an "8" because a 10 was impossible....today was our 10th year anniversary. This is fun. I don't know why he doesn't see this as I do or how he doesn't think this is a big deal. I have been working really hard with my weight management and then for MY husband to bat against me and rate me a "6 or a 7" and then say the he would be happy with a rating of an 8 (for himself) because a "10 is unattainable." Ugh. This makes NO SENSE TO ME. How would anyone ever think that it is ok to rate/judge yourself based upon actors/models whom have hours upon hours a day and the money to spend on their workouts/eating habits?! UGH! I just don't get it...am I overreacting here? He went to bed as he has to wake up at 2am, but I refused to go to bed with him....even though I wanted to...I don't know if I am blowing this up...but I am really depressed...I feel terrible...*blows raspberries*

PLEASE HELP ME.
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Replies

  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    just break up
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Thank you for your support and motivation.
  • Mia_RagazzaTosta
    Mia_RagazzaTosta Posts: 4,885 Member
    Ya got married at 15? That was your first mistake.
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Thank you for your support and motivation. This is meant to be a MOTIVATIONAL AND SUPPORTIVE blog; aka, nonjudgmental, but offers support (aka, aid) and motivation where necessary.

    No, we did not wed at 15, we've been together since we were 15. We wed when we were 23.

    Neither of the above posts are what should be mentioned. If you cannot follow what the topic of the message board is, then please, do not bother responding to my post. I appreciate your responsiveness, but do not welcome your lack of compassion for a fellow human being.
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Judgement is NOT what I reached out for.
  • Mia_RagazzaTosta
    Mia_RagazzaTosta Posts: 4,885 Member
    Thank you for your support and motivation. This is meant to be a MOTIVATIONAL AND SUPPORTIVE blog..

    There is a blog feature here.

    And I want you to re-read this post in 10 years and see how it sounds.
  • sami_83
    sami_83 Posts: 161
    Hi OP, what a bummer of a convo to have on your anniversary. Such a downer.
    Anyway.

    Without knowing either of you it's possible that in general he is a more 'logical' personality type and you're more 'romantic', you know? Like, I know objectively that my boyfriend is not the most handsome bloke on the planet but I still think he is a 10 because I love him and he is rad. Attractiveness is also totally subjective.

    Neither of you are wrong or right, it is just your individual viewpoints on the issue. And after 10 years, you must know that that is pretty normal. As much as it stings to hear 'you're a 6', I doubt he meant it to hurt you or bring you down. Try not to read into it and perhaps try and avoid discussing 'rating' scales from here on in.
    Also, if he rates you 6 or 7 but reckons 8 is probably the absolute best any mere mortal can reach, then you're obviously pretty attractive in his books. Probably not much comfort but there you go. He loves you and thinks you're attractive, you've been together a decade, let it go. Save it and find something 'better' to fight about! Go to bed and snuggle instead.
  • JoJo__Fit
    JoJo__Fit Posts: 258 Member
    I'm sorry that you have to go through that, But if I were you I would tell him he's a 5 1/2 on a good day. Seriously, no women should have to feel that way. Just keep doing what your doing and don't let his ranks get to you. Next time he ranks you, change the subject or tell him he's a 5 1/2 lol.
    If it really bothers you that much you should have a serious talk with him.

    I know if my bf told me something like that and was dead serious, I would prove him wrong and move on!!!
    When I was at my heaviest 175lbs 29% bf, he loved me the way I was & now that I'm 135lbs 16% he loves me the same. Nothing has changed. He's always said I'm off the scale when I would ask him.

    But at the end of the day, when your with someone who loves you, he wouldn't put you down, he would encourage you.
    So 5,10 years from now when you get older is he going to put you down then too, because your older???

    Wish you luck!
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Mia - All you replied with was wedding at 15 was my first mistake. I clarified this confusion and your response is still invalid. I understand if you're response is as mine was (angered, annoyed, sad, depressed, etc ---- typically people are more on the angered and judgmental side if they do not know the couple, etc -- but sometimes that advice is needed), but you didn't offer any solution. I said "PLEASE HELP" at the end of my post and you've posted nothing helpful. Thank you for your time, but if you ever want to help or influence another human being, you have to ensure they have your support and understanding before you go directly into judgment. If you care about your fellow people, which obviously you do or else you wouldn't have read and replied, you have to level with them before you provide judgement....if you have friends or family or a significant other, you would know this....if not, then I do not hold your lack of compassion it against you.
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
    You're being ridiculous. I'd be irritated if my husband said I'm a 10. I'm not a 10 and him lying to soothe my ego will only succeed at bruising my ego. He's being honest with you. There are plenty of "10s" out there who aren't celebrities. I've seen them. Some of them are on my FL although they'd probably rate themselves an 8 or 9. It's great that you love your husband just the way he is. For you that means rating him a 10, apparently. Unless he's given you legit reasons to think otherwise, I imagine he loves you just the way you are. Acknowledging your room for improvement doesn't make him a bad guy or mean that you win the better spouse contest. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
    I'm sorry that you have to go through that, But if I were you I would tell him he's a 5 1/2 on a good day. Seriously, no women should have to feel that way. Just keep doing what your doing and don't let his ranks get to you. Next time he ranks you, change the subject or tell him he's a 5 1/2 lol.
    If it really bothers you that much you should have a serious talk with him.

    I know if my bf told me something like that and was dead serious, I would prove him wrong and move on!!!
    When I was at my heaviest 175lbs 29% bf, he loved me the way I was & now that I'm 135lbs 16% he loves me the same. Nothing has changed. He's always said I'm off the scale when I would ask him.

    But at the end of the day, when your with someone who loves you, he wouldn't put you down, he would encourage you.
    So 5,10 years from now when you get older is he going to put you down then too, because your older???

    Wish you luck!

    894.gif
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Thanks Joadan and Sami!!! I appreciate your support and valid input! Yes, Sami, he is more of a "logical thinker" and I'm more of a "romantic," but I was still upset and he felt I wasn't validated....he got upset that I was upset at his "rating" of me, but all feelings are valid; his and mine. I understand that I may not be very attractive, but I guess I just assumed that my husband would think the world of me, ya know? Romantic thinking, I guess :)

    Thank you both for your support and input. I don't have a support system at home, etc, except for my husband (but we are both different thinkers as established above, lol) so I rely on the web :/ Thank you for being here for me...thanks for being receptive.
  • MyFoodGod
    MyFoodGod Posts: 184 Member
    Sorry to hear your feelings are hurt. I hope this is a rare negative comment from him. Your value in life is more important and not related to the number on the scale or some rating of your looks.

    Maybe you can honestly tell him at another time that he has hurt your feelings. If he has not the type of person to listen to you and understand, you will have to accept that and work on your self esteem and accept his insensitivity.

    I hope you have other supportive people in your life who can better articulate your strengths and appreciate the real you.
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Thanks, calibriintx! I appreciate your POV. I think that's how my husband thinks/sees it, I just think about it/see it differently, I guess. Idk..But thanks for your input! :)
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Thanks, MyFoodGod! That makes me feel good inside :) lol.

    I appreciate your support and input :) Thank you...so, so, much :)
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    Sometimes it's best not to ask questions for which we don't really want to know the answers. Perhaps you learned a valuable lesson from this experience.
  • thickerella
    thickerella Posts: 154 Member
    I understand what you're going through. I am back on MFP after a long break because of something the man I want to spend the rest of my life with said to me. It was crushing. I'm not going to repeat it here, because I don't want to keep it. I want to let it go, bury it, pretend it never happened.

    Did you know that HE (my S.O.) did not know this? He was unaware of the profound and incredibly hurtful impact his words had on me. He just viewed it as being "honest."

    So, I think for starters, you need to have a conversation with your husband about how he made you feel. You've been with him since you were 15, you are clearly in it for the long haul. To make it successful, you have to discuss these things so they don't fester.

    In that discussion, it might be helpful to dig a little on why your husband has this (recent?) obsession with looks. Since you've been together from such a young age, I imagine neither of you have had any other serious relationships? I don't know him well enough to analyze what is going on in his mind, but there is likely a root to it somewhere.

    I know this doesn't provide an instant feel-good, but I DO wish you all the best. 10 years is a huge accomplishment!
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
    Thanks, calibriintx! I appreciate your POV. I think that's how my husband thinks/sees it, I just think about it/see it differently, I guess. Idk..But thanks for your input! :)

    And that's okay. And it's okay if your feelings are hurt. But to be mad...and mad enough to not sleep in the same bed? No wonder he got pissed. Something like this should have gone down with your saying it hurts your feelings that he doesn't think you're a 10, b/c you think he's perfect no matter what. Then he gets to say sorry that bummed you out, Iove you just the way you are and I'll love you when you're a 10 or if you let yourself go and wind up a 3. Then you both laugh, kiss, and go to bed together.
  • colortheworld
    colortheworld Posts: 374 Member
    I always thought my ex was a 10 but real world view, he was probably like a 6 or maybe a 7. And I doubt he ever would have called me a 10, because guys typically are more logical and realistic than us romantic women. I doubt he meant it as an insult, he was probably just trying to be honest. My feelings would be hurt too, but that's just how a lot of guys are. Hope your anniversary gets better, and happy 10th! :flowerforyou:
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    jofjltncb6
    Incorrect. I want/welcome all answers. I got one "break up" and one telling me that wedding at 15 (she was incorrect by the way) was "my first mistake." The other responses I've received hold/have actual validity and have offered help even though 3/4 responses have been more "soft: (friendly) than the other, that doesn't validate your response. I even mentioned that I welcomed help and that I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or not...I'm receptive and welcoming of all valid responses.
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    I understand what you're going through. I am back on MFP after a long break because of something the man I want to spend the rest of my life with said to me. It was crushing. I'm not going to repeat it here, because I don't want to keep it. I want to let it go, bury it, pretend it never happened.

    Did you know that HE (my S.O.) did not know this? He was unaware of the profound and incredibly hurtful impact his words had on me. He just viewed it as being "honest."

    So, I think for starters, you need to have a conversation with your husband about how he made you feel. You've been with him since you were 15, you are clearly in it for the long haul. To make it successful, you have to discuss these things so they don't fester.

    In that discussion, it might be helpful to dig a little on why your husband has this (recent?) obsession with looks. Since you've been together from such a young age, I imagine neither of you have had any other serious relationships? I don't know him well enough to analyze what is going on in his mind, but there is likely a root to it somewhere.

    I know this doesn't provide an instant feel-good, but I DO wish you all the best. 10 years is a huge accomplishment!


    Thank you so much!! I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but it sounds like you're stronger and are going to do awesomely :) thank you for your time and appreciation for my question :) and yes, this is a "recent" obsession with looks since he actually started working out with me...I've been hitting the gym for months, and he just started a month ago and thinks he's made significant improvement with his appearance (not true) so he wants validity by ranking...
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    I always thought my ex was a 10 but real world view, he was probably like a 6 or maybe a 7. And I doubt he ever would have called me a 10, because guys typically are more logical and realistic than us romantic women. I doubt he meant it as an insult, he was probably just trying to be honest. My feelings would be hurt too, but that's just how a lot of guys are. Hope your anniversary gets better, and happy 10th! :flowerforyou:

    Thank you so much for your time :) I appreciate your POV and your response :) I agree ;)
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    jofjltncb6
    Incorrect. I want/welcome all answers. I got one "break up" and one telling me that wedding at 15 (she was incorrect by the way) was "my first mistake." The other responses I've received hold/have actual validity and have offered help even though 3/4 responses have been more "soft: (friendly) than the other, that doesn't validate your response. I even mentioned that I welcomed help and that I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or not...I'm receptive and welcoming of all valid responses.

    You misunderstood my post. I meant the question you asked your husband, not MFP.
  • accendo
    accendo Posts: 66 Member
    What's with the rating thing? I thought that it was something horny teenaged boys did. I would be telling him that it is not on anymore, that you are a person with feelings and not a number.
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Thanks, calibriintx! I appreciate your POV. I think that's how my husband thinks/sees it, I just think about it/see it differently, I guess. Idk..But thanks for your input! :)

    And that's okay. And it's okay if your feelings are hurt. But to be mad...and mad enough to not sleep in the same bed? No wonder he got pissed. Something like this should have gone down with your saying it hurts your feelings that he doesn't think you're a 10, b/c you think he's perfect no matter what. Then he gets to say sorry that bummed you out, Iove you just the way you are and I'll love you when you're a 10 or if you let yourself go and wind up a 3. Then you both laugh, kiss, and go to bed together.

    No, he works 3am-9am or 5am-12pm and I work 3pm-11pm. We work opposite shifts which was why he was going to bed at 9pm and I wasn't (I never go to bed with him at the same time...well, rarely). I didn't not go to bed with him because of what was said (which by the way, obviously turned into an argument), I just wasn't ready for bed (I instead posted on this site and did homework). I already told him "well, I think of you as a 10 and I guess that's why I got upset that you don't think the same...not a big deal, I'm just taken back"...He got even more angry and started yelling at me and because I refuse to entertain anyone when they're yelling at me, I asked him to stop yelling and to just continue this another day...he refused, got even more pissed and went to bed and blamed me for ruining the night. (side note, he wouldn't love me if I was a 3....he hates overweight/obese people...)....I wish it was as easy at us both laughing, kissing, and going to bed, lol :) Thanks again though :) I appreciate your time and input :):)
  • __freckles__
    __freckles__ Posts: 1,238 Member
    Maybe because your husband is only 25 and therefore still has the brain of a 15 year old. Ha! Seriously, rate me fetish? Sounds pretty immature.
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    jofjltncb6
    Incorrect. I want/welcome all answers. I got one "break up" and one telling me that wedding at 15 (she was incorrect by the way) was "my first mistake." The other responses I've received hold/have actual validity and have offered help even though 3/4 responses have been more "soft: (friendly) than the other, that doesn't validate your response. I even mentioned that I welcomed help and that I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or not...I'm receptive and welcoming of all valid responses.

    You misunderstood my post. I meant the question you asked your husband, not MFP.

    I don't think I'm following. I never asked him to rate me. He kept saying "rate me, what am I, etc" and then I responded with 10, but then he snapped at me so I responded with a 9, he then snapped at me, so I responded with a 7, 5, and 4. He kept going on and on and yelling at me because "I wasn't rating him properly"....he then said "I'd rate you a 6 or a 7." I never asked for his rating...I think it's ridiculous...
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Ahahahaha!! So true!!
  • Arodgers88
    Arodgers88 Posts: 17
    Ahahahah! Soo true!! lol :)
  • __freckles__
    __freckles__ Posts: 1,238 Member
    I'm dead serious though. I'm not speaking for all men, but when I met my husband he was 26 and was an idiot. And yes, I fell in love with the idiot.

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