Stopping a Binge--A Very Small Very Big Victory

malvina149 · November 2013

Here are two small but actually big NSV victories. First, I changed my settings to lose 1 lb a week rather than 2. I felt glum doing it—I’d like to get this all over with in 7-8 months, not over a year—but I kept saying to myself, Do you want this to be permanent or do you want to yo yo your whole life? What does it matter how long it takes as long as my weight is going down? Haven't you seen that time and time again too much restriction leads to binges? I had bulimia for almost 20 years, so losing weight is something that requires extraordinary measures to avoid triggering myself. And too-high weight loss goals is something I have to avoid.

The second. So yesterday I ate a huge lunch and no dinner. Which is an AWESOME combination. Later in the night I wanted sweet cereal. I visualized myself getting it and tried to change the image. I said, so clearly and with so much interruption in my thoughts, You can make different choice. You can stop. But I caved. So I went to Walgreens and bought some frosted flakes. But here’s the difference: I only ate two bowls instead of the whole box when I came home. I was able to stop. I wasn’t hungry when I ate the bowls (must work on that, of course), but I didn’t binge until my stomach felt queasy and hurt. I did go over my calories, but again I did not binge. This can only be for the good.

The vicious feeling of “I’m a failure” due to going over my calories and giving in to sugar wasn’t there. Instead, I thought: Well, maybe I need to have some sweet cereal so I don’t feel deprived. Maybe for me it can’t be about unrealistic goals of 100% clean eating and no sugar and always having a perfect day. Maybe the way I respond to wobbles—in a logical but positive way—will have the greatest effect on my long-term success. Without the dramatic cycle of starve and binge, maybe this really will become a lifestyle change. It seems to be a common thread of people who have successfully lost weight and incorporated exercise on a regular basis. Given that, maybe the teeny tiny difference in my behavior last night is actually a big sign of eventual triumph.

Leigh14 · November 2013

Congratulations!!!! I have experience with binge eating and it is NOT fun - physically or emotionally. There are so many people that do not understand this; they think we just stuff our faces with food because that's what fatties do! Untrue.

I overcame them when I finally decided to EAT and quit starving myself. When I first joined MFP, it told me to eat 1200 calories per day to lose weight. So - I jumped on that bandwagon. Did it work? Sure! I was losing weight! Was I hungry? OMG, all.the.time. Several times per week I would cave and eat, eat, eat, eat. My eatz of preference were (and this is disgusting) cheese (I'm talking a whole bar!), pancake batter (yes. batter.), crackers, chips and cookies.

When I discovered EM2WL and upped my calories to fuel my body, I eventually stopped binge eating. I am satiated on a daily basis, I am still losing weight and I feel good.

AmberNLettau · November 2013

Reading this experience touched my heart and made me cry. Thank you for sharing. I know I am not alone in the fight!

malvina149 · November 2013

I did 1,200 too and I just couldn't sustain it. I know some people can, but like you say, I was hungry and shaky all the time. And then I'd overeat (I hear you on the cheese block...). I'm just so heartily sick of the cycle.

I just bookmarked the EM2LW site. Looks interesting!

Congratulations!!!! I have experience with binge eating and it is NOT fun - physically or emotionally. There are so many people that do not understand this; they think we just stuff our faces with food because that's what fatties do! Untrue.

I overcame them when I finally decided to EAT and quit starving myself. When I first joined MFP, it told me to eat 1200 calories per day to lose weight. So - I jumped on that bandwagon. Did it work? Sure! I was losing weight! Was I hungry? OMG, all.the.time. Several times per week I would cave and eat, eat, eat, eat. My eatz of preference were (and this is disgusting) cheese (I'm talking a whole bar!), pancake batter (yes. batter.), crackers, chips and cookies.

When I discovered EM2WL and upped my calories to fuel my body, I eventually stopped binge eating. I am satiated on a daily basis, I am still losing weight and I feel good.

malvina149 · November 2013

Oh a big BIG hug to you. We're definitely not alone.

Reading this experience touched my heart and made me cry. Thank you for sharing. I know I am not alone in the fight!

kdb247 · November 2013

WTG☺️

zofia89 · November 2013

Hey
First of well done to you!
I have suffered from eating disorders pretty much since my early teens. The bulimia didn’t kick in till I was about seventeen and have had an on and off battle with it for the last 8 years. Probably unsurprisingly it was all triggered by a diet! I was strongly advised to join weight watchers by my mum who was very concerned over me gaining quite a considerable amount of weight at the time. It actually all started off well but when I reached my goal weight it wasn’t enough and I became more and more obsessed with counting calories and would really beat myself up if I went over. Then I found that I could get rid of those calories through purging hurrah! I thought it was an amazing discovery at first! There would be the odd binge and then anything else I ate was very restricted. Eventually every time I was attempting to have a meal I ended up having the uncontrollable urge to binge so I was just not holding down any meal at all and became massively underweight and malnourished.
It wasn’t really until about three years ago that I decided that I hated and was ashamed of what I was doing so I went into treatment for two years which finished a year ago. I learnt a lot about all psychological reasons why I might be binge/purging, all to do with relationship/ family childhood issues that I had been brushing under the carpet. But the greatest lesson that I learnt is that I have a habit of placing far too high expectations of myself. For this reason I am very wary of doing diets now as I feel like any kind of calorie counting is being too obsessive. Funnily enough in treatment I was actually made to write down everything I ate and the calorific value for a while and then was supposed to wean myself off of it when I had gotten used to eating a healthy balanced diet with the right portion sizes. I have in the past 5 months had a bit 0f a relapse with my bulimia which is why I am recording what I eat again.
I am actually tying to eat healthy meals and keep them down successfully but then there will be the odd binge in between meals that either I will purge or force myself not too! Consequently I have gained a bit of weight and just I just cant help but feel very negatively about myself if I weigh more than I want to.
I want to use this site as a method of just ensuring that I am eating right and getting myself back into good habits but I have to admit I am finding it a bit of a challenge to keep that obsessive thinking at bay! I do of course want to lose a bit of weight but as you say it is better to set realistic goals even if it does take a bit longer.

Best wishes zofia

TygerTwoTails · November 2013

Congratulations, that is a huge accomplishment! Knowing when you need to give in a little in order to feel happy and comfortable is difficult, especially when it has the potential to turn into a binge situation, but the more you are aware of what your needs are, the less likely it is to spiral out of control. EM2LW is a great resource, definitely read what they have to say!

malvina149 · November 2013

Thank you so much!

malvina149 · November 2013

I relate so much to everything you wrote here, down to Weight Watchers being the start of an ED. (Note to WW people: It's a great program for those it works for; I was the one who went nuts on it). And I started with my mother too! I hit my goal and was absolutely obsessed with restricting and exact measurements to the point of craziness.

I went through outpatient ED treatment for 3 years, and I like to think of that as the work that helped the ED go into remission. But there are relapses and things I am not consistently doing in a healthy way. Being hard on myself is deadly. I can't be completely lax, of course, since that can lead to falling apart again, and I find some structure is helpful.

Boy, it's just hard to lose weight in a healthy way when you've long done it in an unhealthy way, isn't it?

Thank you for your comments, and many good thoughts to you.

Hey
First of well done to you!
I have suffered from eating disorders pretty much since my early teens. The bulimia didn’t kick in till I was about seventeen and have had an on and off battle with it for the last 8 years. Probably unsurprisingly it was all triggered by a diet! I was strongly advised to join weight watchers by my mum who was very concerned over me gaining quite a considerable amount of weight at the time. It actually all started off well but when I reached my goal weight it wasn’t enough and I became more and more obsessed with counting calories and would really beat myself up if I went over. Then I found that I could get rid of those calories through purging hurrah! I thought it was an amazing discovery at first! There would be the odd binge and then anything else I ate was very restricted. Eventually every time I was attempting to have a meal I ended up having the uncontrollable urge to binge so I was just not holding down any meal at all and became massively underweight and malnourished.
It wasn’t really until about three years ago that I decided that I hated and was ashamed of what I was doing so I went into treatment for two years which finished a year ago. I learnt a lot about all psychological reasons why I might be binge/purging, all to do with relationship/ family childhood issues that I had been brushing under the carpet. But the greatest lesson that I learnt is that I have a habit of placing far too high expectations of myself. For this reason I am very wary of doing diets now as I feel like any kind of calorie counting is being too obsessive. Funnily enough in treatment I was actually made to write down everything I ate and the calorific value for a while and then was supposed to wean myself off of it when I had gotten used to eating a healthy balanced diet with the right portion sizes. I have in the past 5 months had a bit 0f a relapse with my bulimia which is why I am recording what I eat again.
I am actually tying to eat healthy meals and keep them down successfully but then there will be the odd binge in between meals that either I will purge or force myself not too! Consequently I have gained a bit of weight and just I just cant help but feel very negatively about myself if I weigh more than I want to.
I want to use this site as a method of just ensuring that I am eating right and getting myself back into good habits but I have to admit I am finding it a bit of a challenge to keep that obsessive thinking at bay! I do of course want to lose a bit of weight but as you say it is better to set realistic goals even if it does take a bit longer.

Best wishes zofia

malvina149 · November 2013

Thank you so much!

Congratulations, that is a huge accomplishment! Knowing when you need to give in a little in order to feel happy and comfortable is difficult, especially when it has the potential to turn into a binge situation, but the more you are aware of what your needs are, the less likely it is to spiral out of control. EM2LW is a great resource, definitely read what they have to say!

zofia89 · November 2013

Malvina

Your telling me its hard and I am with you on the craziness! I would go to such ridiculous measures of ensuring that I was sticking to my calorie goal. Going out for a meal? Nightmare! It would always be very important that I could find out exactly where we were going so that I could look at the menu before hand and gage some Idea of the nutritional values of what I was going to eat. My head became like a calorie bible I would sit at the table and add it all up maybe two or three times just to ensure I had done it right. To any company I was in I probably came across as being in a mood, certainly not the soul of the party! I was too preoccupied with the calorific value of what I was eating. This only fuelled the bulimia and unfortunately the development of a problem with drinking that I still go through on and off. I would rush those first few drinks to get me relaxed enough to forget the ‘healthy’ eating plan and just eat what I like then go and purge it all. It meant I could be having fun with everyone else whilst not having to worry about eating anything fattening, the hangovers though felt like being at deaths door! Severe dehydration, double whammy really from both alcohol and purging then an overwhelming almost paralysing feeling of guilt and shame, at those moments I would always feel such desperation to just be healthy but once I had recovered from my hangover I would be quite willing to get back to it all again!
Structure is indeed important and I agree with you there is such a fine balance between not being too hard on yourself whilst also not being too complacent.
Towards the end of my treatment I was exercising 3 times a week. I found if I went over I would want to do more and more! In terms of my eating I would have 3 decent meals a day and snacks. I would try to make healthy choices most of the time and allow myself little treats along the way. I actually lost weight eating this way! I maintained this for a good while, my day to day life improved, I wasn’t calling sick at work anymore and I felt great.
However sometimes life then goes and throws things at you that are hard to deal with and unexpected. My Nan died early this year my first experience of losing somebody and sort of went through the whole fear of dying thing. I definitely think that how I was feeling at the time triggered the bulimia again. I became complacent with what I was eating. I would tell myself that it didn’t matter why should I worry I am here to enjoy myself right?! I can eat what I want but realistically I cant deal with the guilt when I start to put on weight. I think it is very important to allow yourself treats but to maintain healthy choices most of the time. And in times when things are emotionally difficult it is more important than ever. I the best approach to take is that your ensuring you are looking after your overall health physically and emotionally and not just being concerned with weight. I remember being so amazed when I was going through therapy and starting to make the right choices that all other things just seemed to start falling into place. I am sure our experiences of bulimia differ somewhat but it is nice to know that your not the only one!

Best wishes

Zofia

QuietBloom · November 2013

Congratulations!! Your post has made my day. :flowerforyou:

zofia89 · November 2013

Another thing is I don’t know how long ago you were in treatment but certainly I think you can be confident in thinking that the decision you made at that point to put a halt on the binge is definitely a sign of a healthier future. I remember that it was changing my view of those situations where you initially feel bad about overindulging that you can instead recognise that you have made an incredible achievement in having thought about what is happening in that moment and made the right choice. Lets face it coming out of bulimia is an incredibly hard thing to do and the more times you handle a situation like you did the easier it will become.

Zofia

Stopping a Binge--A Very Small Very Big Victory

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