Hard having a boyfriend working away during the week
redgem666
Posts: 13
Hello everyone 
This is not directly related to fitness but I feel it goes hand in hand with the well-being side of things!
I recently moved to Italy to live with my boyfriend. As it happens he works away from home 4 days a week. I find I get quite anxious and un-focused when he is not here and spend most of my time thinking about when he will come home. I do work but only part time and because I haven't been here that long I haven't really met anyone yet. I find I lack motivation and feel quite sad. I am trying to eat well and exercise and spend time on the things I like doing but I always have this lingering feeling I wish I was with him more. Even the things I like doing for myself seem less fulfilling. Is anyone else in a similar situation? I really want to find ways to work on this as in the future there will be periods of time where he is away for 6 weeks or a month and don't want to spend my time feeling so restless and counting the clock.
I think sometimes it's nice to know you have people in a similar situation that understand.
Thanks for any feedback or help!
Gem
This is not directly related to fitness but I feel it goes hand in hand with the well-being side of things!
I recently moved to Italy to live with my boyfriend. As it happens he works away from home 4 days a week. I find I get quite anxious and un-focused when he is not here and spend most of my time thinking about when he will come home. I do work but only part time and because I haven't been here that long I haven't really met anyone yet. I find I lack motivation and feel quite sad. I am trying to eat well and exercise and spend time on the things I like doing but I always have this lingering feeling I wish I was with him more. Even the things I like doing for myself seem less fulfilling. Is anyone else in a similar situation? I really want to find ways to work on this as in the future there will be periods of time where he is away for 6 weeks or a month and don't want to spend my time feeling so restless and counting the clock.
I think sometimes it's nice to know you have people in a similar situation that understand.
Thanks for any feedback or help!
Gem
0
Replies
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I initially wrote with a list of things I liked to do when in a similar situation but after I reread your post you were looking for something different. I would like to suggest searching for "culture shock" it is a pretty normal thing and recognizing its symptoms and how to cope, it can usually be overcome quickly! Best wishes to you, hope you are feeling better soon!0
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I vary rarely get to see my boyfriend atm due to work commitment and distance. I was the same as you at first, but eventually you relax and stop clock watching. I used to count down every single day, but now I am ok with it.
I think you should try and meet some friends somehow, so you have people to see and talk to. It must be really hard moving to another country and I have no experience in that part.
I hope it all works out for you 0 -
I feel the same when my boyfriend is away, even though we're pretty independent generally.
Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest about the clock watching, because after several years I still do that myself if I'm not careful. Are there any meetup groups in your area? Do you give yourself a 'schedule' to fill gaps with the gym, books etc.? It sounds like you just need more people in your life to be honest, and that will happen. Even being outside in a public place during the day if you can - people are more likely to chat to people who are alone. If there are any volunteer jobs or anything around they might be pretty handy too.
Hard to give more specific advice without knowing how well you know the language etc. But I'm sure you could do English tutoring or something to fill some time.0 -
I'm slightly confused. It kind of sounds from your post that you didn't know that he worked away. Is this something you just found out when you moved there to be with him?
Anyway, if you don't have a full time job have you thought about volunteering somewhere for a cause that really matters to you? I know you said you were trying to get back into your hobbies but I find that if I'm volunteering for a cause that I am passionate about, like at the animal shelter, I put my own individual feelings and concerns on hold for the time that I'm working and care only about the task at hand. You'd be helping others and helping yourself to keep yourself occupied.0 -
I used to be this way. I used every excuse to stay out of shape because my husband was gone. Then something clicked for me; I was sick of looking and feeling the way I did so I changed that. Now it's all about me. I make working out just as big of a priority as going to work. You'll get there.0
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Hello Gem!
I am in a somewhat similar position. My husband and I have only been married for six weeks. We've been together for a little over a year and a half, and have yet to live together "full time"! Around the time that we were slated to move in together, his mother became paralyzed overnight and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He works from home as a writer, so he was the only hope for his mother to remain at home while his father works Mon-Fri (long hours at his own business). His mom was expected to live for 3 months, but she has lingered...so for nearly a year now, I've been separated from him from Sunday evening until Friday evening. I get so down about it, especially at hormonal times of the month. We make the most of our weekends together, though.
As for your feeling lonely, I completely understand. I am in my hometown with friends & family nearby but it's just not the same as having my husband with me each evening. For several months I was unemployed and that was particularly brutal because I had the added stress of job hunting whilst also feeling very "out of balance" having him there half of the time (he contributes financially, but still it was hard not having him around). I now work a 40 hour per week job, so I'm away from home from 7:40 AM to 5:15 PM every day. For me, that helps tremendously. When I had the entire day looming ahead of me, even with fun activities it was daunting. Now I find that it's very easy to fill the time when he is not around, since I'm so busy! I still miss him of course.
We chat online every night for about two hours, and that helps to stay connected. It's kind of strange because he is only about a one hour drive away, but it would not be practical for either of us to make the drive daily. Some of our friends/family find that odd, but to us it's not. By the time his father was home to take over his mom's care, it would be after 6 pm and then his father goes to sleep at 9 pm and it's my husband's turn to go back on duty...so with drive time that would give us only 1 hour together each day. As much as we love each other, that's not practical at all.0 -
I know how you feel!
When my husband is away it makes me anxious waiting for him to come back home. He isn't gone every week, but he is gone often for a week or two at a time. I've gotten used to it over the past two years we've been married (and the two years before that where I saw him 3 days every two months).
When he is gone I also seem to eat terribly, it is sad. Try to keep yourself busy, that is my best advice. I've found many volunteer opportunities where I am, but the military community is a really close one, so that may have made it easier!
Also, DONT KEEP TRACK OF THE DAYS if he is gone for a longer period of time. I would always want to keep track in between visits, and I would look each day to see how many more remained. It really hurts when the number is in the 70s, but once it is closer (like two weeks) I get excited and now I will count down. I plan to clean the house, visit the beauty parlour, and shop for his favorite snacks
Keep your head up!0 -
I find I get quite anxious and un-focused when he is not here and spend most of my time thinking about when he will come home... I find I lack motivation and feel quite sad... Even the things I like doing for myself seem less fulfilling.
I mean this in the nicest possible way: This doesn't sound very healthy to me.
I understand missing him and feeling lonely at times since he isn't around but you seem a bit too focused on him. From the snippets posted above it sounds to me like the beginnings of codependency.
Maybe do some research about codependency and see if it might apply to you.
And if I am way off base then I would say try to get active in community activities or groups and find productive ways to pass the time so that you are not feeling so bad when he is not around.0 -
My boyfriend and I see each other only on the weekends, and sometimes every other weekend. At first it was very difficult, I wanted to see him every day! and I still do, but under current circumstances it isn't possible. I am currently unemployed which gives me tooooo much time to think about him
. I actually used this as an opportunity though. I started working out and set goals for myself. It's also nice not seeing him all of them time because he notices little changes about me that I don't even notice . For you living I'm another country can be hard to get used to as it is. Take the extra time to explore where you live, enjoy the culture! You are allowing go yourself to become depressed, been there done that, snap yourself out of it! Best thing would be meeting new friends, makes a huge difference! You probably don't feel like it but you will thank yourself later if you do. I hope you feel better 0 -
I can understand to some degree. Being an expat is hard! It can be very intimidating knowing you're in a new country with minimal familiar resources available to you.
That being said, it seems a little silly that your whole world takes a downward spiral simply because you're boyfriend isn't attached at the hip. Reality check: you've been given a huge opportunity that many will never have. You can either embrace it and take full advantage of it or you can waste it away sitting at home moping. Not trying to be harsh, just speaking from my own experience. Take a more mature, holistic perspective of it and I have no doubt you'll find yourself a lot happier and healthier :flowerforyou:0 -
Reality check: you've been given a huge opportunity that many will never have. You can either embrace it and take full advantage of it or you can waste it away sitting at home moping.
Yeah that - I am also an ex-pat so I can understand how hard it is, but you need to step back and decide how you can make this work.
It is all up to you, and this will be an amazing experience if you let it.
Search out Ex-pat forums on the web in your area (trust me - there are loads out there).
Menu plan and add exercise to your daily schedule.
Make a list of things you want to do and see that you wouldn't ever be able to do if you were not in Italy.
Make the most of this opportunity, because even the long hard days will not last forever.0 -
I can "sort of" understand where you stand... I was once in that phase. I get the "culture shock" every 3 years. My husband is active duty military... 9 years and counting... We have been married 5 years. I had our daughter while he was overseas in Iraq, he never saw my belly, felt her kick , or saw her born. We talked 3 times in 9 months and I didn't get to see his face once....He leaves for MONTHS or can you believe it YEARS at a time with no communication at all. Someone always has it worse....
From a military wife: my advice is to keep busy with yourself, get a job, go to school, meet friends, get involved. The more you do the less you "wait". I have 3 degrees, a full time job, volunteer and take care of my daughter if he's home or not.; I just need to stay busy.0 -
Hey I had a look at 'culture shock' and it's an interesting read. I am definately taking note of it, thanks for the suggestion! 0
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I would like to suggest searching for "culture shock" it is a pretty normal thing and recognizing its symptoms and how to cope, it can usually be overcome quickly! Best wishes to you, hope you are feeling better soon!
I will try that again! Just getting used to using these forums and the posts Thanks for the suggestion, it's very useful actually to have that perspective on the situation and to be more aware I think will help me 0 -
Unfortunately I don't know what to suggest about the clock watching, because after several years I still do that myself if I'm not careful. Are there any meetup groups in your area? Do you give yourself a 'schedule' to fill gaps with the gym, books etc.? It sounds like you just need more people in your life to be honest, and that will happen. Even being outside in a public place during the day if you can - people are more likely to chat to people who are alone. If there are any volunteer jobs or anything around they might be pretty handy too.
Hard to give more specific advice without knowing how well you know the language etc. But I'm sure you could do English tutoring or something to fill some time.
I am certainly trying to give myself daily structure like you mentioned and it does help. I'm just starting to learn Italian so that is exciting. I teach English part time and am trying to increase my hours 0 -
I'm slightly confused. It kind of sounds from your post that you didn't know that he worked away. Is this something you just found out when you moved there to be with him?
Anyway, if you don't have a full time job have you thought about volunteering somewhere for a cause that really matters to you? I know you said you were trying to get back into your hobbies but I find that if I'm volunteering for a cause that I am passionate about, like at the animal shelter, I put my own individual feelings and concerns on hold for the time that I'm working and care only about the task at hand. You'd be helping others and helping yourself to keep yourself occupied.
Hey,
I knew he worked away but I moved here when he was having a very busy period and so I think it came as a little shock to me! I have actually found a voluntary animal charity that I would like to start going to on my days off. I agree working for something like that takes your mind of your own situation. Thanks 0 -
Hello Gem!
I am in a somewhat similar position. My husband and I have only been married for six weeks. We've been together for a little over a year and a half, and have yet to live together "full time"! Around the time that we were slated to move in together, his mother became paralyzed overnight and was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He works from home as a writer, so he was the only hope for his mother to remain at home while his father works Mon-Fri (long hours at his own business). His mom was expected to live for 3 months, but she has lingered...so for nearly a year now, I've been separated from him from Sunday evening until Friday evening. I get so down about it, especially at hormonal times of the month. We make the most of our weekends together, though.
As for your feeling lonely, I completely understand. I am in my hometown with friends & family nearby but it's just not the same as having my husband with me each evening. For several months I was unemployed and that was particularly brutal because I had the added stress of job hunting whilst also feeling very "out of balance" having him there half of the time (he contributes financially, but still it was hard not having him around). I now work a 40 hour per week job, so I'm away from home from 7:40 AM to 5:15 PM every day. For me, that helps tremendously. When I had the entire day looming ahead of me, even with fun activities it was daunting. Now I find that it's very easy to fill the time when he is not around, since I'm so busy! I still miss him of course.
We chat online every night for about two hours, and that helps to stay connected. It's kind of strange because he is only about a one hour drive away, but it would not be practical for either of us to make the drive daily. Some of our friends/family find that odd, but to us it's not. By the time his father was home to take over his mom's care, it would be after 6 pm and then his father goes to sleep at 9 pm and it's my husband's turn to go back on duty...so with drive time that would give us only 1 hour together each day. As much as we love each other, that's not practical at all.
Hey,
Thanks for your reply. Sounds as though your situation has been a little tough. I'm glad you have been able to fill your time and feel busy and better about everything! That is nice to hear Having a full time job like that surely takes up time and it's good to have something to focus on out of the house. Good luck to you 0 -
I know how you feel!
When my husband is away it makes me anxious waiting for him to come back home. He isn't gone every week, but he is gone often for a week or two at a time. I've gotten used to it over the past two years we've been married (and the two years before that where I saw him 3 days every two months).
When he is gone I also seem to eat terribly, it is sad. Try to keep yourself busy, that is my best advice. I've found many volunteer opportunities where I am, but the military community is a really close one, so that may have made it easier!
Also, DONT KEEP TRACK OF THE DAYS if he is gone for a longer period of time. I would always want to keep track in between visits, and I would look each day to see how many more remained. It really hurts when the number is in the 70s, but once it is closer (like two weeks) I get excited and now I will count down. I plan to clean the house, visit the beauty parlour, and shop for his favorite snacks
Keep your head up!
Thanks!
That is good advice and it's nice to know someone else is in a similar position, although not military. Right now I am trying to get used to being alone half the week when I know it will soon turn into 4 or 6 week stretches. I think maybe I am thinking about the future trips away too much and getting anxious about them when they haven't happened yet. I know this is not a good thing to do! I will try and take your advice and try not to count the days down in a negative way but will try and plan nice things for me/us to do before he returns. I am seeing that moving to a new country and having a boyfriend you live with (but who is away a lot) is a whole load of adjustment and soul searching! I'm glad you found a solution that helps you and it's nice you have a close community where you are 0 -
[/quote]
I mean this in the nicest possible way: This doesn't sound very healthy to me.
I understand missing him and feeling lonely at times since he isn't around but you seem a bit too focused on him. From the snippets posted above it sounds to me like the beginnings of codependency.
Maybe do some research about codependency and see if it might apply to you.
And if I am way off base then I would say try to get active in community activities or groups and find productive ways to pass the time so that you are not feeling so bad when he is not around.
[/quote]
Thanks for the suggestion I will have a read about codependency and see what it says. I know it's not the healthiest outlook to have and this is why I wanted to see how other people deal with similar situations. Not having many people around me day to day leaves a lot of time for thought, which in itself can be a bad thing! Getting more active and involved is certainly the way to go. 0 -
The alpha male has to go on the hunt
What you are feeling is normal .0 -
My boyfriend and I see each other only on the weekends, and sometimes every other weekend. At first it was very difficult, I wanted to see him every day! and I still do, but under current circumstances it isn't possible. I am currently unemployed which gives me tooooo much time to think about him. I actually used this as an opportunity though. I started working out and set goals for myself. It's also nice not seeing him all of them time because he notices little changes about me that I don't even notice . For you living I'm another country can be hard to get used to as it is. Take the extra time to explore where you live, enjoy the culture! You are allowing go yourself to become depressed, been there done that, snap yourself out of it! Best thing would be meeting new friends, makes a huge difference! You probably don't feel like it but you will thank yourself later if you do. I hope you feel better
Yes! I do need to snap myself out of it and get out of my own head sometimes. I'm glad you were able to find your way with time to yourself and I need to do the same. Some days get to me more than others and you're right, I will thank myself later for getting out there
Take care0 -
I can understand to some degree. Being an expat is hard! It can be very intimidating knowing you're in a new country with minimal familiar resources available to you.
That being said, it seems a little silly that your whole world takes a downward spiral simply because you're boyfriend isn't attached at the hip. Reality check: you've been given a huge opportunity that many will never have. You can either embrace it and take full advantage of it or you can waste it away sitting at home moping. Not trying to be harsh, just speaking from my own experience. Take a more mature, holistic perspective of it and I have no doubt you'll find yourself a lot happier and healthier :flowerforyou:
Hey,
I agree and sometimes it helps to get a reality check on your situation. I feel like it's silly to get down like this too which is why I was asking for others experience. It helps snap you out of being so absorbed, or so I feel. You weren't being harsh, don't worry. I appreciate the honesty 0 -
Reality check: you've been given a huge opportunity that many will never have. You can either embrace it and take full advantage of it or you can waste it away sitting at home moping.
Yeah that - I am also an ex-pat so I can understand how hard it is, but you need to step back and decide how you can make this work.
It is all up to you, and this will be an amazing experience if you let it.
Search out Ex-pat forums on the web in your area (trust me - there are loads out there).
Menu plan and add exercise to your daily schedule.
Make a list of things you want to do and see that you wouldn't ever be able to do if you were not in Italy.
Make the most of this opportunity, because even the long hard days will not last forever.
Nice to hear from another ex-pat! Thanks for the suggestions. I know I need to do those things, I think I just let myself get a little overwhelmed at times. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am very grateful for it. It's learning how to handle the more complicated mental side of it all whilst settling in You're right about making a decision on how to handle this though. 0 -
The alpha male has to go on the hunt
What you are feeling is normal .
Short but sweet haha. Thanks, that actually made a lot of sense
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I actually find the opposite effect with looking after myself:
My partner runs a restaurant so, especially in the lead up to Christmas, she works late most evenings and weekends.
I find that I have the time to go to the gym and as I'm only cooking for one it's a lot easier to keep on track because I only have to think about myself. When she's home it goes out the window!
Good luck!0 -
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