just blowing off steam
SharonsJetSet
Posts: 159
I just got a call from my #2 son. He wanted me to watch his kids so he could go to his father's house on Saturday night and celebrate my #1 son's 30th birthday. I'm so hurt right now. I'm at work and I'm trying really hard not to cry but the thought of this is just tearing me up.
You see my EX-husband is such an *kitten*. after 16 years of divorce, he still cannot forgive me for wanting the divorce EVEN though he's moved on, got remarried, has 2 more kids and lives in a pretty nice home in a pretty nice neighborhood. He holds so much anger towards me that in 16 years I dont think we've spoken more than 6 words to each other. I could care less what he does and I certainly do not mind being in the same room as him. HOWEVER, he wont even be near me, let alone speak to me. Because of his stupidity, my son did NOT invite me to my other son's 30th birthday yet he expects me to watch his kids.
My EX was out buying cigars while I was in labor and giving birth to our son. He hasn't done barely anything for our boys. He never took them for visitation (unless it was a holiday and then he'd show up with to his family's house looking like SUCH a great father). He never contributed financially to their future. He spent very little time with them and now HE gets to be right there while they all celebrate our son's birthday and I have to stay away just because HE cannot stand to be around me.
I had no idea that my #2 son was planning this event. Had I known, I would definitely had funded an event that both his mother and father could be at. THEN if his father wanted to be childish and not go because I was there, it would be his issue. Now..I'm just left out of this very monumental event.
I'm so hurt right now and I have no one to talk to so I needed to vent my feelings here. If the moderators feel the need to remove this post, that's ok. The main purpose was for me to be able to vent my feelings instead of "EAT" them.
If anyone has any way to help me cope with this pain, I'd really appreciate hearing from you
Thanks for letting me vent
You see my EX-husband is such an *kitten*. after 16 years of divorce, he still cannot forgive me for wanting the divorce EVEN though he's moved on, got remarried, has 2 more kids and lives in a pretty nice home in a pretty nice neighborhood. He holds so much anger towards me that in 16 years I dont think we've spoken more than 6 words to each other. I could care less what he does and I certainly do not mind being in the same room as him. HOWEVER, he wont even be near me, let alone speak to me. Because of his stupidity, my son did NOT invite me to my other son's 30th birthday yet he expects me to watch his kids.
My EX was out buying cigars while I was in labor and giving birth to our son. He hasn't done barely anything for our boys. He never took them for visitation (unless it was a holiday and then he'd show up with to his family's house looking like SUCH a great father). He never contributed financially to their future. He spent very little time with them and now HE gets to be right there while they all celebrate our son's birthday and I have to stay away just because HE cannot stand to be around me.
I had no idea that my #2 son was planning this event. Had I known, I would definitely had funded an event that both his mother and father could be at. THEN if his father wanted to be childish and not go because I was there, it would be his issue. Now..I'm just left out of this very monumental event.
I'm so hurt right now and I have no one to talk to so I needed to vent my feelings here. If the moderators feel the need to remove this post, that's ok. The main purpose was for me to be able to vent my feelings instead of "EAT" them.
If anyone has any way to help me cope with this pain, I'd really appreciate hearing from you
Thanks for letting me vent
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Replies
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You NEED to blow off that kind of steam & to choose us over food is a huge, huge step in the right direction. I don't think children realize the daggers they stick in our hearts when they do things like this. I don't have any wise words, but I understand the hurt because I've been there. Just know that you have done your best, you have taught good values, you did everything a good parent should do. You are too good to ever be lowered to his level & I have to believe that someday our children will understand. Hang in there!!!!0
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Sorry for your pain! Venting is always better than eating for sure! Take care and show love to your children every chance you get. If you plan any events invite all , then if someone opts out, it's their choice.0
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I think it is good for you to vent and get it all out of your system so you can move on. I would say you contact both your sons and let them know how you feel and that you would like to do something for his birthday also.0
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I'm so sorry! That sounds like such a rough situation. I don't think there's any problem with you venting on here, especially if it keeps you away from the emotional eating.
I think the best course is to go through with your original plan. Put together a dinner or party for your #1 son's 30th so that you can celebrate this event with him. Just plan it for the weekend after or a few days before so that it doesn't conflict. If you feel especially gracious, invite his father and then *you* will look like the bigger person!
And think of what fun you can have with your grandchildren that night instead of dealing with the stressful situation of seeing your ex!0 -
You need to remind yourself that you ARE a great mother regardless of this circumstance. Take the high road and do something on your own for your son's birthday. Invite your family over for a meal and do something special. Let them know that you love them and want to celebrate with him as well. I don't know the situation, but maybe their father planned it and not them?? Either way, it's your choice whether or not to bring it up to your kids, but don't make them feel guilty or bad. I know parents who do that to their kids now and I feel like it makes the parents look immature. Vent your feelings to an unbiased party like you have done and do your best to stay positive in front of your kids and grandkids. There is nothing wrong with talking to them however, as long as you do it in a healthy way. I'm sorry you have to feel this way. Maybe someday things will change. Until then, just keep loving them up!0
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Well that just sucks to be quite honest. I am sorry that your ex is such a child. But some people are like that. You know better and have grown since the divorce so don't beat yourself up about this. This is not your issue. It is still his issue. Someone should have stood up to your ex and said that they wanted you there at this event. If your 2nd son put it together then he should have invited you or at least tried to set up a second event. Can you do that? Set up another little get together or surprise for your 30 year old's birthday? You are still his mom and I am sure he would love a special surprise from his mama!!! Good luck hun!0
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Were a good listener!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember every dark cloud has a silver lining...look for it...do whats right no matter what you feel!
Sorry to hear of family differances...it will get better.PROMISE!
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Sharon, I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm sure your sons don't realize how much they've hurt you. You did the right thing to come here to vent instead of eating. I wish I could say something to take away your pain but I don't know what to say. Here's a hug though and I hope it helps a little bit knowing that you have friends on here that support you. ((((Sharon))))0
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Better venting than over eating. I am sorry for your pain, I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes but, please accept this older outsider suggestion.
Tell your sons how you feel about everything. Men in general, including sons, are cluless about many things and border line insenitive. I am a firm believer of tough love when everything else fails.
I am a grandmother too, so I know how you feel about your grandchildren, but don't let your family hold you hostage to the love that you have for the grandchildren. Maybe your son should take his kids to celebrate their uncle's birthday; since you were not invited, why ask you to baby sit.
Hag in there and the best to you0 -
I think your kids have been through enough for the last 16 years and should no longer be forced to "take sides." I've watched the damage divorce and lack of a loving parent has had on my children. All children need to be able to love and be loved by two parents--and not feel guilty or concerned with how it will affect the other parent. It is good you have vented--now put on the big girl panties and do or do not tend the grandkidskids (I'm not a grandchild tender myself--all a matter of personal choice) and tell your son you hope he has a great time celebrating at his dad's--and then plan a time for you to celebrate with him too. We all need all the love we can get!0
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good to blow off steam....but i am confused....AREN'T YOUR SONS CHILDREN INVITED to the celebration? Is your son choosing not to have his children involved in their uncles birthday party? I think I would tell my son under the circumstances that you can not babysit...and don't give a reason other than that is what you choose.
Dont allow them to take "advantage" of grandma...
Be busy that night ....trust me...it works 0 -
I am a guy...Feel free to punch me in the arm. One warning, I bleed easy.0
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Thanks everyone for your words, it really helps.
#2 son did plan this, not his father. His father barely remembers his sons' birthdays. Like I said, had I known #2 son was planning this, I so would have contributed to have the party at a place everyone could go to.
The only reason #2 son told me about it is his babysitter bailed on him at the last minute. I'm really not angry at my EX. He's just a jerk and will never let go of this. I'm really angry at my #2 son for not considering how this would affect me.
Thanks again. I dont think I'll be able to watch my grand-kids because I'm currently so hurt that i dont think I'd make for very good company.
mandijo - I understand your words but my son is 27. I have never made him feel guilty about anything. I've held back on many occasions from saying negative things about their father because they're old enough to see it themselves. They both know how I've always been there for them physically, emotionally and financially. They both know that they can count on me for everything and BELIEVE ME they take advantage some times. What my #2 son has done is hurt my feelings and he's old enough to hear it from his mother. I'm not bashing his father, I'm pointing out that he (not his dad) has left me out of a very important occasion. Its not right to plan a party for your brother's 30th birthday and not include everyone - ESPECIALLY his mother.0 -
Better venting than over eating. I am sorry for your pain, I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes but, please accept this older outsider suggestion.
Tell your sons how you feel about everything. Men in general, including sons, are cluless about many things and border line insenitive. I am a firm believer of tough love when everything else fails.
I am a grandmother too, so I know how you feel about your grandchildren, but don't let your family hold you hostage to the love that you have for the grandchildren. Maybe your son should take his kids to celebrate their uncle's birthday; since you were not invited, why ask you to baby sit.
Hag in there and the best to you
Thank you I totally agree with you and think I will take your advice. This has really helped me return to being rational but the hurt is still there0 -
I think your kids have been through enough for the last 16 years and should no longer be forced to "take sides." I've watched the damage divorce and lack of a loving parent has had on my children. All children need to be able to love and be loved by two parents--and not feel guilty or concerned with how it will affect the other parent. It is good you have vented--now put on the big girl panties and do or do not tend the grandkidskids (I'm not a grandchild tender myself--all a matter of personal choice) and tell your son you hope he has a great time celebrating at his dad's--and then plan a time for you to celebrate with him too. We all need all the love we can get!
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate your advice. My sons have not had to "take sides" because I don't put them in that situation.0 -
good to blow off steam....but i am confused....AREN'T YOUR SONS CHILDREN INVITED to the celebration? Is your son choosing not to have his children involved in their uncles birthday party? I think I would tell my son under the circumstances that you can not babysit...and don't give a reason other than that is what you choose.
Dont allow them to take "advantage" of grandma...
Be busy that night ....trust me...it works
I love this response. THANK you!! My grand children should attend ESPECIALLY because my ex's new family is approximately their age. (Grand kids 7 and 4) (Ex's new family 9 and 5)0 -
I'd give my son hell, how insensitive and inconsiderate...I'd be "busy" that night too...0
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I'd give my son hell, how insensitive and inconsiderate...I'd be "busy" that night too...
Also, include "**I** raised you BETTER than this!!"
That will get him thinking...
Keep us posted...0 -
I'd give my son hell, how insensitive and inconsiderate...I'd be "busy" that night too...
Also, include "**I** raised you BETTER than this!!"
That will get him thinking...
Keep us posted...
Well thanks to both of you for putting a smile on my face. This really has helped so much.
You guys are the best thank you0 -
So sorry you are going through this. I too have an less than darling exhusband and no one can make me feel like S*** like he can.
I too would give my son a talking to. He is WAY old enough to know better and is being totally insensitive and thoughtless. Don't babysit. Show up at the party and act like you own the place!
:flowerforyou:0 -
Its good that you chose this avenue versus eating. Turn your stress into energy and get yourself a good workout. Take a class that incorporates boxing (or punching)
You know that you've done all you can for your sons and don't let this take anything away from that. I was taught that the one who controls the most love the least and this is just an example of that. Let him control how your son celebrates his birthday, maybe he's trying to make up for time lost. (Even though he can't).
While they are out partying, you do something for you. Be proud of how you raised them and continue to love them regardless of this incident.
Don't let this action cause a negative action from you. Rise above it.0 -
Maybe you should tell your son that you are hurt you weren't invited. You have feelings, even as their mother. I know it is not their fault but they are grown and it isn't acceptable for you to be excluded from every event because you divorced that guy. What's next, Christmas, school programs, baseball games of your grandchildren? Tell them in a nice way, how you feel. Honesty may hurt, but if you don't they will never know and it will get easier to leave Mom out because she acts "ok" with it. Can't they see him for the jerk he is to you? I don't want to suggest starting trouble in your family but expressing your feelings should be ok. Healthy communication is a must. good luck . Also , prayer works for me. But believe in what you pray.0
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Same thing happened to me with my youngest son's wedding. Turned out his father became ill and could not go so there was the wedding with no parents attending. Now the youngest holds that in his heart and regrets his decision to this day. Maybe you should plan an event and celebrate on your own after this whole thing is done. Invite both your son's to a really nice resturant or have an outing you all enjoy, ie sports game, theatre or something you enjoy. Let them know how hurt you are and then drop it, this is too heavy a burden to carry for a long time. I managed to move on from it and have never mentioned it again, my son knows how hurt I was. Good luck with your choice and a light heart. I know it hurts. Thinking of you.0
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Congrats on turning to this instead of eating away the feelings you are going through. That is a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.
You have every right to feel the way you do. You are correct - this really isn't your ex husbands fault..it is your son's. Did he plan this specifically as an event for your ex to go and not you? did he think something else would be planned by you so you could celebrate with him and his brother seperately? Perhaps this is all a case of misunderstandings..
You should talk to your son and tell him how you feel.. no anger, no recriminations - simply a statement of facts. If he did this thinking you would be doing something else and simply wanting to ensure his dad got a chance to participate too, then he should know that hiding it from you is not the right way.. that is more hurtful than the fact that he wanted to do something. If that wasn't his rationale, then he definitely needs to know how it affects you.
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Roll with it. Whether they are right or wrong, it's already in motion and there is nothing you can do or say that won't make you appear in a bad light.
Sometimes people do things and don't even realize what effect it will have on others. Unfortunately, sometimes they do, but go forward anyway.
You see my EX-husband is such an *kitten*. after 16 years of divorce, he still cannot forgive me for wanting the divorce EVEN though he's moved on, got remarried, has 2 more kids and lives in a pretty nice home in a pretty nice neighborhood. He holds so much anger towards me that in 16 years I dont think we've spoken more than 6 words to each other. I could care less what he does and I certainly do not mind being in the same room as him. HOWEVER, he wont even be near me, let alone speak to me. Because of his stupidity, my son did NOT invite me to my other son's 30th birthday yet he expects me to watch his kids.
My EX was out buying cigars while I was in labor and giving birth to our son. He hasn't done barely anything for our boys. He never took them for visitation (unless it was a holiday and then he'd show up with to his family's house looking like SUCH a great father). He never contributed financially to their future. He spent very little time with them and now HE gets to be right there while they all celebrate our son's birthday and I have to stay away just because HE cannot stand to be around me.
Judging by you intial comments, you need to come to terms with your husband's inadequacies and move on.0
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