How to stop focusing on the flaws

ilfaith
ilfaith Posts: 16,769 Member
in Motivation and Support
Why is it so difficult for us (or me at least) to look in the mirror and focus on the things we like about ourselves rather than on the things we don't like?

Even when I look at my profile picture, the thing I zoom in on is my hands....why do they look oddly misshapen and veiny (like those paparazzi shots of Madonna or Sarah Jessica Parker's hands always seem)?

I thought that by my mid-40s I would have a better self image, yet I still find myself making comparisons to younger (taller, thinner, prettier) women.

And of course the things I dwell on most are those things I cannot change (barring surgery...my short legs...the wrinkled skin on my belly from three pregnancies (all in my mid-to-late 30s, after the elasticity of my skin diminished)...my not-exactly-delicate nose).

Replies

  • happysherri
    happysherri Posts: 1,360 Member
    You look gorgeous to me!

    I think all women do this. I remember an interview that was done with a Victoria Secret model and she was complaining about certain aspects of her body. We all have insecurities.

    Kick that voice in your head's BUTT! I try to focus on my positives and I also do this with my 16 yr old daughter. We call it the positive game. We've been playing it ever since she talked negatively about herself when she was about 5 yrs (someone in daycare commented about her belly). If you have to write them down.

    My daughter and I love our hair, our ehem boobs, our eyes, etc... :-D
  • tdotali
    tdotali Posts: 181 Member
    There will always be someone younger, prettier, thinner etc.

    It's about accepting yourself in your entirety. Your flaws and your strengths. We all have them - but it's a total choice of which parts we want to focus on.
    It is super easy to stare at ourselves and let that inner voice belittle us. The first step is to recognize that when it's happening and then tell that voice to sit the f*** down!! I'm assuming you wouldn't say nasty things to your friends or children - so you shouldn't bully yourself either.

    Why don't you try to make a list of all the positive things about you. Your shapely arms, your slender waist...And it doesn't just have to be physical - perhaps you have amazing strength, or stamina, flexibility or patience. Place that note on the mirror and the next time that little voice starts to raise her nasty talk, just look at the list and focus on that instead.
  • beachlover317
    beachlover317 Posts: 2,848 Member
    There will always be someone younger, prettier, thinner etc.

    It's about accepting yourself in your entirety. Your flaws and your strengths. We all have them - but it's a total choice of which parts we want to focus on.
    It is super easy to stare at ourselves and let that inner voice belittle us. The first step is to recognize that when it's happening and then tell that voice to sit the f*** down!! I'm assuming you wouldn't say nasty things to your friends or children - so you shouldn't bully yourself either.

    Why don't you try to make a list of all the positive things about you. Your shapely arms, your slender waist...And it doesn't just have to be physical - perhaps you have amazing strength, or stamina, flexibility or patience. Place that note on the mirror and the next time that little voice starts to raise her nasty talk, just look at the list and focus on that instead.

    Exactly what I was going to say. Realize how wonderful you are in so many ways. Focus on all the great things you've accomplished to be more healthy. Learn to love yourself.
  • ilfaith
    ilfaith Posts: 16,769 Member
    Thanks for all the positive affirmations. I know I have many things to be proud of, just as there are parts of me I will never be 100% happy with.
  • WannabeStressFree
    WannabeStressFree Posts: 340 Member
    I agree, most of us have insecurities others hardly notice. Some are noticeable but hey, we are human afterall!
    I'm also trying to focus on the positives, which there's always plenty of!
    This is a mindset I think I've had for a while so reversing it will take a long time as well, but I'm happy I made this change. Life becomes suddenly so much more bearable!
    There's more to us than our looks, I also read that Miuccia Prada, the designer, saying something to that extent. There's always someone prettier, richer, etc and the opposite as well.
    I'm glad to see other women saying to focus on the positive, it makes life much easier! The alternative is tearing each other down and really, I'm over that attitude, I'm all about supporting one another, I love MFP for that!
    have a great day!
  • ModernNerd
    ModernNerd Posts: 336 Member
    I completely get this! Everyone does it to some degree, there's some comfort in that. In high school it actually would bring me to tears wishing I had bigger boobs, higher cheek bones, a better butt, fuller lips, blahblahblah. I finally realized I had to make a choice. I could mope around wishing I could change the unchangeable (no plastic surgery for me :flowerforyou: ) or I could move on with my life. Fake it til ya make it, right? I'm still somewhat self conscious about those things, but you'd never guess it. I've learned to recognize when I'm about to get in one of those self-deprecating funks, and slap that voice inside my head silly. What's helped me is making a list of non-physical accomplishments that I'm proud of. You're defined by so much more than looks, be proud of that!
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    All of us have flaws that is what makes us beautiful in our own right. Every line, wrinkle, sun spot, and scar tells your life. It is who you are. Love it, and embrace that there is not another person out there like you. I am not a rockin hot chick, and I may not be supermodel skinny, but I am healthy, and I plan on staying that way. I have my bad days, and I want to focus on the negative from time to time, when I do I find one thing that day that I love, and focus on that for the day. I have wonderful, loving people I surround myself with, and I want my daughters to know that flaws are not the definition of who I am, but simply part of who I am. They don't define whats beautiful to me, they are what makes me beautiful. individual, unique.
  • Spreyton22K
    Spreyton22K Posts: 323 Member
    Wow what an awesome bunch of replies here.

    I agree with all the others who have said that we often focus on our perceived flaws and forget what amazing people we are in entirety. Looking at your profile picture I see a lovely lady, trim, healthy with a beautiful smile. The positive self talk does work....I'm 51 and after a lifetime of self-hate, doubt and BDD with the occasional bout of ED thrown in I have tried to win this battle so many times, and truthfully the most success I have had is with Mindfulness Meditation and Positive Mantras.

    Yeah you feel ridiculous to start with....but over time your brain takes it in and the part of your psyche giving you the grief is put well and truly in its place. Please give this a try. Sticky notes with positive thoughts are quite helpful too.

    Hands are a difficult area.....as you get older they do change, often they can be a really obvious 'in your face' indicator or the years creeping up on us. Hang in there honey. Rather than ignore/hate them, maybe take extra care with them. Lash out on some yummy hand cream, make the effort to apply sunscreen to protect them. For me one of the things that soothed my soul was to look at my hands and marvel at how much love they had given over the years. How many fevered children's brows had I soothed, how many meals cooked, how much washing done (clothes and dishes)....they might not be plump and unwrinkled any more but they have loved well and I now look upon it like I do my belly......the lines and marks are my badge of honour.

    I just wanted to say too....that to all the young ladies who replied, I am so proud of your attitudes, your self-esteem and self-love is something no-one can take away (unless you let them).....keep loving yourselves as the beautiful unique individuals that you are.

    All the Best

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