Dealing with being cheated on...

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fit_healthy92
fit_healthy92 Posts: 21
in Motivation and Support
The past few weeks have been quite challenging and I'm trying to stay positive. I found out my long term boyfriend cheated on me with his crazy ex, my house was struck by lightening which fried all of our electronics and I've just got over a pretty bad throat and chest infection (they say everything happens in threes right??) lol.

I've lost almost 50kgs (110 lbs) over several years and have completely changed my lifestyle to be the healthiest and happiest person I can be. Guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and have lost my motivation to train (instead of 5 or 6 times per week I'm averaging about 2 sessions) and preparing meals. The way I'm feeling right now is exactly how I felt when I was 15 years old and 112+ kgs :frown:

Any suggestions from people who have been through a messy break up involving cheating and how you dealt with the feelings of betrayal, sadness and anger?

Thanks in advance,
Sam :flowerforyou:

Replies

  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,119 Member
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    That's all you can really do. Do the best you can, realize it wasn't your fault, it was your ex's shortcoming.

    The lack of motivation comes and goes for all of us. I'm having trouble with the Holidays, myself.


    Keep your head up and try to stay busy and be grateful you found out about the ex now instead of later.
  • Whyareyoumad
    Whyareyoumad Posts: 268 Member
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    You just have to move on, its hard at first, but it will get easier with time. Been there done that have the T-shirt. Just dont slip into depression or anything, continue to work out and prepare your meals. You will feel better if you stay on track as best you can, imagine the feeling of dealing with all of that and also not feeling well physically. I understand how it can be overwhelming, but you can do it.
  • bheathfit
    bheathfit Posts: 451 Member
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    Impossible to address everything using MFP post. That being said, I am going to give you what is called Tough Love. Be prepared because I can be a complete *kitten*... (Just ask my wife...LOL!)

    First. Cut him loose. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200...Don't hold a grudge, just move on. I don't care if he has "changed" or is sorry. Help him and you by making this unacceptable. You have been dating BOYS up to this point in your life. I expect you to only accept MEN from this day onward. Learning what a MAN is will take you a few years, but Men do not cheat on their significant other. They have enough respect for others that if things change and they feel different, Men will either work toward correcting this or have enough respect to leave the significant other without cheating on them. Period. No Excuses... Boys make excuses, Men make decisions and either work toward making things better or they cut them the **** loose... (so do Women by the way)

    Second. It really sucks that all of your electronics (except your computer) are fried. This, however, is a blessing in disguise. You now have time and room in your life to focus on you. Learn about you now. Who is Sam? What does she want in life? Set some goals. Enjoy some friends and do a few things that you have been putting off. Not things that others want you to do! Things Sam wants to do because Sam wants to do them!

    Third. Realize that everything in your life is your responsibility. Yes, I just said that... Things in life may not be your Fault, but when you take responsibility for things in your life you suddenly expect others to treat you differently. You, as a WOMAN will either improve your life of cut the emotional vampires and dead weight out of it.

    Lastly. Read a pretty cool book. The one I recommend has been a best seller for a very long time. It is a collection of advice and examples of values, moral behavior, the meaning of human life, and right conduct. The book is called Proverbs. It is located in the Bible. There are 31, which makes a good one a day for a month. I don't give a crap about religion and preacher salesmen in suits. This is about you learning about Sam and what to expect from this day forward.

    That about does it. Good luck and Godspeed!
  • fit_healthy92
    fit_healthy92 Posts: 21
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    Thanks guys.. guess I feel like I'm starting over again. I broke it off with him the moment I found out so he is out of the picture now.
    Luckily my laptop wasn't plugged in or I probably would have gone crazy haha

    Going to take some time to adjust!
  • brithemp
    brithemp Posts: 9
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    This is what happened to me in July/August. I went through a messy break up full of cheating and codependency that ultimately ended in me having to obtain a protection order. I also gained about 10-15 pounds back in the process. Here are some things that I wish I would have done or not done in my situation to better my mental, physical, and emotional health. This is obviously tailored towards my situation, but I hope some of these can help you out as well!
    I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself and getting rid of him-- you. can. do. better.
    *I wish I would have dropped him completely. Stopped responding to texts, calls, etc. I wish I wouldn't have checked up on his social networking sites.
    *I wish I would have done meditation immediately after when I began having issues with anxiety to keep myself calm!
    *I wish I would have written down my feelings more, and questioned WHY I was eating (to prevent emotional eating/overeating).
    *I wish I would have dated myself more-- taken myself out on dates. :)
    *I wish I would have used the bad couple of months as time to jump start an even healthier lifestyle, and I wish I would have forced myself to say a certain amount of good things about myself each day to remind me of how great I am.
    *I wish I would have understood that nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent (credit goes to E. Roosevelt), and that my THOUGHTS INFLUENCE MY FEELINGS WHICH INFLUENCE MY ACTIONS, and that I have control on all of that.
    *And I don't owe anyone anything. I do what I want. :3

    It'll get better!
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
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    Wow! Takes me back to waaaayyyy before I married when my BF did this. So what I told myself then is what I would say to you.

    You deserve to be happy.

    You will be happy

    Life has something fantastic for you and you will find it.

    That kind of became my mantra and here I am so many years later and basically it's true. Not that life doesn't suck sometimes, but overall I'm really happy =D
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    not much to say but time really does heal. Just sorry you got kicked in the teeth with everything else.
  • einhundertfunf
    einhundertfunf Posts: 4
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    Sir, I'd like to say that this is the most remarkable thing I've read. I myself am going through a breakup due to cheating--so fit_healthy92, I know what you're going through--and this speech is the most perfect thing I've seen.
    Impossible to address everything using MFP post. That being said, I am going to give you what is called Tough Love. Be prepared because I can be a complete *kitten*... (Just ask my wife...LOL!)

    First. Cut him loose. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200...Don't hold a grudge, just move on. I don't care if he has "changed" or is sorry. Help him and you by making this unacceptable. You have been dating BOYS up to this point in your life. I expect you to only accept MEN from this day onward. Learning what a MAN is will take you a few years, but Men do not cheat on their significant other. They have enough respect for others that if things change and they feel different, Men will either work toward correcting this or have enough respect to leave the significant other without cheating on them. Period. No Excuses... Boys make excuses, Men make decisions and either work toward making things better or they cut them the **** loose... (so do Women by the way)

    Second. It really sucks that all of your electronics (except your computer) are fried. This, however, is a blessing in disguise. You now have time and room in your life to focus on you. Learn about you now. Who is Sam? What does she want in life? Set some goals. Enjoy some friends and do a few things that you have been putting off. Not things that others want you to do! Things Sam wants to do because Sam wants to do them!

    Third. Realize that everything in your life is your responsibility. Yes, I just said that... Things in life may not be your Fault, but when you take responsibility for things in your life you suddenly expect others to treat you differently. You, as a WOMAN will either improve your life of cut the emotional vampires and dead weight out of it.

    Lastly. Read a pretty cool book. The one I recommend has been a best seller for a very long time. It is a collection of advice and examples of values, moral behavior, the meaning of human life, and right conduct. The book is called Proverbs. It is located in the Bible. There are 31, which makes a good one a day for a month. I don't give a crap about religion and preacher salesmen in suits. This is about you learning about Sam and what to expect from this day forward.

    That about does it. Good luck and Godspeed!
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    Ok, this is a time to relax taking care of your "physical" self, and focus on taking care of your "emotional" and "mental" self. Cut back on the exercise, just go for a nice long walk every day or do half the amount of lifting as before. Still, it is healthy to force yourself out even though you do not feel like it.

    Increase your calories to maintenance until after xmas.

    Set a new goal for yourself. It can be anything you want! Maybe you always wanted to start photography or art. Perhaps you wanted to go traveling somewhere. perhaps getting in touch with an old friend?

    It may be helpful to create a "day planner" or routine. Fill your day up as much as possible. at 5pm when you are done work - plan to make supper. then 7pm, work out. 8pm - bath/shower. 9pm - YOU time, watch a movie/do art/read a book!

    btw - congrats on the 110lb weight loss!! :D That is an amazing achievement.
  • Iknewyouweretrouble
    Iknewyouweretrouble Posts: 561 Member
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    My friend just went through this and she started working out doing 2 a days and lost her appetite. Then she gained her appetite back. I think the feelings pass, they will come and go and will change.
    Be patient with yourself and don't be hard on yourself during this time! Vent to your friends. The real ones will be there <3
  • Iknewyouweretrouble
    Iknewyouweretrouble Posts: 561 Member
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    Wow! Takes me back to waaaayyyy before I married when my BF did this. So what I told myself then is what I would say to you.

    You deserve to be happy.

    You will be happy

    Life has something fantastic for you and you will find it.

    That kind of became my mantra and here I am so many years later and basically it's true. Not that life doesn't suck sometimes, but overall I'm really happy =D

    ^^^^ THIS!
    and if you can't say it to you, let other people say it to you until you can. :)
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
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    Time heals all wounds. And time wounds all heels.

    Focus on being a better you, don't blame yourself for what other's do, you can only control yourself and how you react to it all. So, stay positive and move on.
  • megslovescountry
    megslovescountry Posts: 50
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    My long term bf cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant. It was a girl he told me was his cousin (how he explained talking to another girl all the time). I was stupid enough to continue the relationship for awhile after that. Then one day I just decided I had had enough and I ended it. He kinda went psycho after that and I had to get a restraining order. I had all kinds of ups and downs until I just let myself believe I deserved better. Just getting into the mindset that now your focus is totally on you, your health, and becoming who you want to be is how I got over the cheating. One day it just hits you that if someone breaks your trust then they're not worth your tears. :smile:
  • ncabrera91
    ncabrera91 Posts: 3
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    This analogy is a little corny but I use it whenever I feel like the world is going against me:

    Your body and mind is like a flower
    If you constantly add sunlight to your flower, it'll dry up
    but if you start adding water, you can begin to grow and flourish again.

    In other words, heal yourself first before you can get back on track my friend. I hope this helps and best wishes to you :)
  • blue090811
    blue090811 Posts: 1
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    I can only put it this way. Whenever you fall off a bike the very memory of the fall brings back the pain that was felt. Because of this we tend not to want to pick the bike back up and ride again. In time we realize that in order to get to our destination we have to realize that the pain we felt was only temporar,y and the memory of the fall is only a reminder of what to do or what not to do next time. Dust yourself off get back on the bike and ride to your destination. The further you get from where you fell the less the pain will be felt. You seem like a good person. So you will get what you truly deserve......*noworriesnocares* live life to the fullest.
  • fit_healthy92
    fit_healthy92 Posts: 21
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    Sorry for being MIA I just got back from a much needed beach get away :smile:

    Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I'm seeing this as an opportunity to grow as a person and become the best version of myself that I can be.

    I'm taking some time out from my usual training but being conscious of my food intake over the festive season - so easy to dive into a pile of Christmas choccies lol!

    Joined a new gym that has classes so looking forward to that in the new year :)
  • mrdexter1
    mrdexter1 Posts: 356 Member
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    Every one of my EXs conjures up the same thoughts..

    Yep she was a stunner, but why the heck did I waste my time pleasing her !! ( I only see their faults now !! )


    ...................


    You will get there...the sooner the better... and be more careful/ choosy about who you partner the next time !
  • otter090812
    otter090812 Posts: 380 Member
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    So glad you had the strength to kick this guy to the kerb. You're worth so much more than the treatment you got from him.
    The thing I've found has helped me most during similar times is friends. Get out and enjoy yourself, and that doesn't have to be in a bar or diner. I've had some of my happiest times when out hiking with friends (not to mention the exercise benefits).

    Also, what a fantastic bunch of posts you got in response.

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