Finally reaching out

talktothecat
talktothecat Posts: 8 Member
in Introduce Yourself
This is scary for me, reaching out for support. I'm that person who appears to pretty much have her life put together, and who rarely lets others see her vulnerabilities or problems. But keeping things to myself isn't working so well, and until I can gather the courage to talk to the people in my life, I'm going to try sharing myself here.

On the surface, things look great. I'm 30, married to a doctor, two cats, no kids (don't want 'em). I finished my Ph.D. earlier this year and now have a postdoc position that is going well. In short, I've been incredibly fortunate to land at this place in my life where I have almost everything I've ever wanted and worked for. And now I'm having a huge wake-up-call moment with the realization that you can get everything you ever wanted and still not be happy. For the first time in my life, I can't tell myself, "I just need to finish school, then I can start being happy," or "As soon as I ______, things will feel easier." I'm realizing that my well-being was never contingent on what I still needed to do or get or achieve, and that's terrifying because now I guess I need to figure out what it will take for me to be happy.

I've struggled with food and body image issues since college, which I think is in many ways a symptom of the above problem. When you're always postponing happiness, you need some way to provide yourself with a little bit of immediate comfort, and food does that for me. It's only been in the past three years or so that I've started gaining weight significantly, which is partly because I've had some injuries that have limited my ability to exercise, partly because I've been drinking more alcohol (which is incredibly concerning to me), and partly because I don't have the energy to care about my appearance as much as I used to. I've gained about 25 lbs and am not extremely overweight, but it's enough that my clothes don't fit me and I feel physically uncomfortable. At this point, although it would be really nice to fit back into most of my clothes again, I'm more concerned about my health and well-being than about my appearance.

I have always hidden my struggles, even from my husband. I'm actually feeling very guilty about how secretive I've been with him. We'll be celebrating our second wedding anniversary later this week, and I'm feeling like he doesn't even know the person he married, because I've kept her so well hidden. (Heck, I don't feel like I know her very well either.) Would he even like me if he saw me from the inside? I'm trying not to let myself go down the mental road of "he deserves better than me," but I do think he at least deserves the real me.

So here I am, MFP, hoping to take advantage of the community here to help me start seeing things differently, and maybe even work toward having the courage to be more vulnerable in my life. Most of all, I would like to use the "symptom" of my emotion-driven eating habits to help me understand myself - why I've been so unhappy, what it is that I'm hiding from, and what it would take for me to feel like my life is satisfying and meaningful.

I've tried to lose weight many times in the past, but always secretly. That has never worked. So as uncomfortable as it feels for me to be open and honest, I'm making my profile public and would like to connect with some folks here for support.

Thank you for reading. Deep breath...

Replies

  • waltcote
    waltcote Posts: 372 Member
    Welcome! Everyone is equal in my humble eyes on here. I think just getting it out in the open is a big step might get the push one needs to do it. I have been fairly successful so far in my time doing this so if you need support and friends Maybe I could help. :bigsmile:
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    Oh wow. I got chills reading your post because you sound SO much like me.

    I've been overweight since my preteen years and once got up to 307 lb. I cringed when others were public with their weight loss efforts. I always preferred to go it alone. I lost 45 lb solo, not telling ANYONE I was trying even if they took notice of my 4 mile nightly walks I would claim I just wanted to get more exercise. So I did it alone, but it took nearly four years. Making a concerted effort to lose and become healthier is a new thing for me. I have been here since March 25, and I've lost 56 lb so far. This time around I talk about it with MFP friends and a *FEW* real-life friends and family members. I honestly think the biggest impact is on my attitude and I love the 'math' of MFP which makes losing so much easier.

    I used to hide my insecurities and vulnerabilities in other areas, too. Someone recently asked me "what's the best advice your closest friends have give you?" and I didn't know, because even though I have several friends I consider very near and dear to me, I've never confided in them or asked for advice!! I was in a marriage for over 9 years to a man who did not even know me. When I met my current husband though, I let him know that I was turning over a new leaf. I generally don't hide things from him and it's liberating. While my ex wasn't the one for me (for many reasons) if he had been, then I believe it would have been possible for me to open up more...perhaps you can do that with your husband. I have a strong feeling the results would be a closer and happier marriage (hopefully I'm correct).

    I am sending you a friend request!
  • talktothecat
    talktothecat Posts: 8 Member
    Thank you both, waltcote and seltzermint. Wow, I have tears in my eyes because the feeling of supportive comments from people who can relate to this is so foreign! I will add you both back.
  • waltcote
    waltcote Posts: 372 Member
    I am enjoying looking at your profile pic by the way. As a part time artist I am attracted to interesting visual images especially colorful ones!:wink:
  • talktothecat
    talktothecat Posts: 8 Member
    I am enjoying looking at your profile pic by the way. As a part time artist I am attracted to interesting visual images especially colorful ones!:wink:

    Thanks! I liked the colors in this painting too. It was hanging in a Starbucks and I thought it was cool, so I snapped a photo. :-)
  • THECaptainObvious
    THECaptainObvious Posts: 399 Member
    Welcome!! Hopefully we can help eachother through this (it seemed alot harder when I dieted alone). Let's do this!
  • HealthWoke0ish
    HealthWoke0ish Posts: 2,078 Member
    Better late than never, right!?:smile:

    For me, MFP has been a real blessing. My story is similar to yours in that I'm a young(ish) professional who is finally (in my case...getting back to) fitness. One of my favorite sayings is "To go fast, go alone; to go far, go together." I've looked for and found some good "go together" people here and then have worked diligently and recognized slow...but consistent...success. You can too! Good luck to you/us all. #goteammfp! :smile:
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
    So very proud of you...it's not always easy asking for help, but there are so many supportive people on here who are cheering you on and know that you can do it!! If you need friends, I am always on, and I am always trying to motivate people.

    We are all rooting for you. You have taken the most important step. :)
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    What a lovely post. Welcome! :flowerforyou:

    The hardest part is over - admitting the struggle. I just know that you will get things back on track. Talking to someone professionally might be a good idea as well.

    :heart:
  • vjohn04
    vjohn04 Posts: 2,276 Member
    Please don't take this the wrong way, but you might consider visiting an AA meeting or if alcoholism runs in your family, AlAnon is a great place to visit as well. Just checking out a meeting doesn't hurt, and often can give great perspective and insight into life and traits you might have.
  • delicious_cocktail
    delicious_cocktail Posts: 5,797 Member
    Please don't take this the wrong way, but you might consider visiting an AA meeting or if alcoholism runs in your family, AlAnon is a great place to visit as well. Just checking out a meeting doesn't hurt, and often can give great perspective and insight into life and traits you might have.

    ^
  • SusanL222
    SusanL222 Posts: 585 Member
    :smile: Thank you for posting! I can relate to what a big step that is! Well done! :flowerforyou:
  • CompressedCarbon
    CompressedCarbon Posts: 357 Member
    I've never been one whom people look at and think "she has it all together" but I can relate to the hiding stuff, even from yourself, and can relate to the "waiting for happiness" stuff.

    I've been around here for about 16 months, mostly using the site for logging calories and tracking exercise but only recently starting building a community. I've made more progress in the last two months (with the help of my friends) than I did in the previous 14. And by progress I mean better workouts, more attuned to what I'm eating and especially, how I feel about myself. Not hating yourself is a powerful motivator all by itself and I attribute this change to my awesome friends list.

    So by reaching out and making positive steps forward, you are about 14 months ahead of where I was. Congratulations. It's not always easy but it is always worth it. You've got this.
  • ihad
    ihad Posts: 7,463 Member
    You've taken a very courageous step. If you approach this with the reflection, openness, and determination voiced in your introduction, you'll do well.

    Everyone struggles with these issues at some point, and as you connect with others, you'll find they all have challenges not evident on the surface. You are not alone.

    I think it would be a good idea to combine the support you're looking for here with some in-person support from a therapist or AA group like vjohn suggests.
  • ihad
    ihad Posts: 7,463 Member
    Given your writing skills, I'd also encourage you to consider doing a blog on MFP, both as a tool for your own reflection, and a way to connect with others on an ongoing basis.
  • sweetpea03b
    sweetpea03b Posts: 1,123 Member
    First of all.... welcome to the family. You made the first tough step. Reading your post.... a lot of those feelings resonate with me. I have been the same way... "as soon as this happens I will be happy" and things are going great in my life now.. I should be happy... but I'm not... because I don't love myself. This is a journey that you have to make on your own.... no one can do it for you... but you should definately share your feelings with your husband... I'm sure he's caught on to the fact that you're not happy... but just doesn't know why.

    Take this one day at a time.... and don't over-complicate it. I've done all of this before... and heck I've been at it this time since March and only have 5lbs of a loss to show for it... because we as humans always make things harder than they need to be. Calories in, calories out. It truly is that simple. It's all clicked in place for me this last month and the weight is finally just melting off of me. Feel free to add me as a friend.... we can keep each other encouraged to go for it! Good luck to you... you can do this... you're stronger than you think!
  • talktothecat
    talktothecat Posts: 8 Member
    Thank you, thank you all, for the wonderful and supportive responses. I am truly overwhelmed and grateful. I appreciate all the friend "adds" and I'm slowly working through them, so I will add you back if I haven't already.

    I'm feeling hopeful. I suppose I knew there must be others out there who could relate, but I never really KNEW it - you know? :-)

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