When will it end? Advice?

somepeoplecallmebri · December 2013

Do any of you ever feel guilty about eating? Every time you eat? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and all you see is the inches that need to go away? I do. Every minute of every day.

I have this terrible habit of not eating meals because all I can think of afterwards is how it will make me gain weight. I don't eat out a lot, but today I decided that finals were finally over and I wanted to treat myself. I did. Now, all I can think about is getting this food out of my system. Literally it is all I have thought about for the past 5 hours. This happens every day. Food is all I think about, when will I get to eat next, what will I eat, how many calories have I ate, will this make me gain weight, will this add water weight, should I skip this meal, what am I going to eat tomorrow...etc. It NEVER ends.

A year ago I was happy, I never thought about what I was eating, I just ate what I wanted and I didn't gain weight. For years (15years old-19years old) I was always around 140-145. Not great, but I could still look at myself and see how beautiful I was.
Sure, I've lost 15-17 pounds and about 5-7% body fat and kept it off, but I would rather have that back if it meant I could enjoy eating again. Not worrying about calories and numbers. Every time I look at myself in the mirror all I see is how BIG I am. It is so frustrating because I know I am smaller than what I used to be and I have never once been called fat or chubby. BUT I can't help but see myself that way.

I have restricted eating, added daily exercise and recently started throwing up when I feel like I have eaten too much. I know this sounds like I have an eating disorder, but I don't think I do, if I did I would not be a size 6/8 at 5'2'', no I'd probably be a lot smaller.

I even feel like I eat a normal amount of food, but my friends have made comments on the amount I eat, so these past few days I have DEFINITELY eaten a normal/ healthy amount of food, but all I can think of is how that food weight will now make me 2lbs heavier tomorrow. What if it doesn't come off? It has gotten to the point that I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and measure my waist, tummy, thighs, etc everyday. The numbers won't stop.

I don't really know what I want to ask, all I know to ask is for any advice from ones who have gone through this, overcome this, or are going through it.

Sweetpea6896 · December 2013

You do not have to be smaller than a certain size to have an eating disorder. This is definitely what you are dealing with and you need to get help. You mentioned finals which means you are in college, I too suffered from a disorder when I was in my freshman year and talked with a school counselor (not a guidance counselor, but one that helped with problems) and it really helped. Your school probably has one too. Your constant thoughts are not healthy and the fact that you make yourself throw up when you think you have overeaten also is very bad for your system. Please seek help.

neandermagnon · December 2013

Yes it does sound like an eating disorder. you don't need to be skeletally thin to have an eating disorder. Get help ASAP

livingleanlivingclean · December 2013

Anything related to disordered eating is an eating disorder, regardless of your size. What you're doing is extremely damaging to your body and you need to get help!

Roaringgael · December 2013

Have some outside counselling, this could be stress related.
At 20 I felt very insecure about myself, a lot of women do.
Counselling can help you realize what is important and whats just stress related self-loathing talking.
Poor eating and this kind of thinking isn't the solution - believe someone who has gone down that path.

AlongCame_Molly · December 2013

You absolutely , definitely, POSITIVELY have an eating disorder. You most certainly do not need to be stick-thin to have one, how do you think ED stick-thin girls got to BE stick-thin, hm? By having an eating disorder, by obsessing over every single bite they eat, just like you are doing.

It is not too late to get help for yourself, if you start now. You haven't had disordered views on food for too terribly long from what I'm reading, so nip this *kitten* in the bud NOW, before this becomes a serious problem that you will battle and suffer with YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

So to answer your question in the title: You decide when it will end. It ends when you get help for yourself. Good luck.

(edited for clarity)

becsnz1 · December 2013

What the others have said. Please please do yourself a huge favour and get professional help before it gets any worse.

kelly_e_montana · December 2013

You're making me tear up because I started purging in my late teens and continued doing so til I was about 30. I was comparing myself to my friends. I then kept binging even when I was able to stop the purging from age 30-40. I am just now getting over the binging.

It is EXTREMELY common for bulimics to be normal size and some are even overweight.

Every time you do this, it is ingrained (hardwired if you will) into your brain as a normal behavior.

The sooner you seek professional attention, the better off you will be. I wish I could have the last 20 years of my life back. Don't wait. Do it now. It is THAT BAD NOW. It does not get better on its own. It gets worse. Please, please see someone.

MyFoodGod · December 2013

Check out Overeaters Anonymous. They have some great podcasts online especially the Los Angeles group. For all types of eating disorders. Meetings collect donations. Don't let financial issues prevent you from going as you are welcome to attend and learn more. Some members also go to therapists.

When will it end? Advice?

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