Just dont know what to do anymore. Food is not my friend.
Skinny_Minnie1989
Posts: 7
Well as the title says, I dont know what to do anymore.
Im 24 and I always had issues with my body and weight. I've never been overweight. My highest weight was 57kg and I'm 157cm. But I always felt "fat"... mostly because thats what I was called more than once.
Three years ago I decided to lose some weight, so I changed my eating habits (not dieting) and started to work out. All in a healthy, controlled way. I slowly lost and I was happy. My Goal Weight was 50kg, but once I got there, I didnt stop. "only 3kg more, so I can say I lost 10kg"... I know 47kg is already at the lower end of my weight range but thats what I wanted. I never counted calories, still treated myself with an occasional piece of cake or some chocolate etc. Then in June I discovered MFP and started to count every calorie of what I ate. Once I realized how many calories certain foods have, I started to cut them all out of my meal plan. The app gave me 1200 calories to lose weight, but I ate around 1275. I got kind of obsessive with it. Not long after, I reached my GW and stayed there for a while. But then I finished Uni and because I was moving to the UK three months later, I didnt start a job. So I had loads of spare time, I spent on working out. The gym became my second home and I lost more and more weight. In late October I finally relocated, having about 42,5kg. Since I couldnt go to the gym anymore, I got worried I'd gain all the weight back if I ate the same amount, so I lowered my calories to 700-900 and lost another 1,5kg. In November I found a cheap elliptical on Ebay and since I could work out again, I ate my 1275 calories, going back to 42,5kg, which I was fine with. I ate healthy, loads of vegetables etc... no sweets at all. I know my lifestyle wasnt really healthy at all but hey, I lost weight, was skinny = happy. I didnt care about possible risks, although I was aware of them.
About a month ago, I experienced something, I never knew before... I lost control over my food intake. I ate "normally" throughout the day, then went out to meet some friends. When I came back home, I was craving mainly carbs... I started to eat loads of bread, then I found cake and cookies. I thought it was just that one night, so not that bad... I lost the extra pounds soon again. But it wasnt only one night... Since then I found myself craving chocolate over and over again and it got worse with time. Some nights I ate so much in only a short period of time... I thought I could beat those cravings, if I have one pre-planned super binge, so one day, I went out and had a big burger and cheesy fries, went on with chocolate, ice-cream, biscuits, donuts, buns... whatever I could find. I felt so sick that night and thought I'd never touch it again. I have to add, that to lower the "damage" I was about to do to my body, I took some laxatives in advance. The next day I still felt so sick, guilty and ashamed, that I stayed in bed all day long, not eating anything. But once I left my room, I started to do the same thing again... stuffing my face with whatever there was in the cupboards. Again, I took even more laxatives and even ended up sticking my finger up my throat (I couldnt really vomit, though). Needless to say I felt even worse the following day. Also, whenever I lost control I extended my workout time from 60 to 100 minutes, eating about 1000 calories, to "make up" for the previous night. I realized this wasnt healthy. Food was taking over everything, Im still always planning my meals ahead and cant think of anything else than eating. I cant even go to a restaurant, without checking my calories first.
I went to see my GP, she looked at me, weighed me etc and came to the conclusion that Im a tiny bit too light for my height (Im still about 42,5kg now) but Im not too skinny. I told her everything, but I dont know if she even took me seriously. She said she'll refer me to a Psychologist and that he'll get back to me, but I havent heard from anyone so far.
This friday, I didnt feel hungry and didnt crave anything. I was fine. Yet I munched some Fruit Jellies and I dont even like Jelly. Well, it wasnt overly bad. On saturday I woke up with 41,8kg. But for some stupid reason, I started to munch on those Jelly things again, took one after another. Then a cookie. Then some nuts, crisps... The night ended with me sitting on the couch, eating a 300g bucket of crisps, a whole pack of Jellies, loads of chocolate balls, a pack of salt sticks, more chocolate and idk what else. I keep using Christmas as excuse for myself to pig out (last night wasnt as bad as normally). Today... well I wanted to stay "clean" until Christmas day, coz with the big meals then, I know I'll go over my 1275cals anyway. But not long after I had breakfast, I emptied the cupboards again. I ate so much today that I feel sick already and that without having a proper meal, it all comes from sweets. I came to a point where I thought 'Ok who cares, I cant control myself anymore anyway. Im getting fat, who cares?" I know Im not gaining a huge amount of weight (and I can certainly put on some before Im even considered 'chubby') but I dont know what to do anymore. I have a bowl of oats in front of me, but I cant allow myself to eat those 150 cals (according to the nutritional info) on top of what I ate already, not even thinking of dinner at this point. I havent been exercising yet, coz I dont feel well at all but I havent worked out since thursday, and after all that crap I ate the last days I HAVE TO do something.
Am I anorexic? Do I have bulimia? Do I even have an eating disorder? I dont know. Maybe I do, maybe I dont. I have no clue but what I know is, that I cant go on like this. I feel constantly bad and Im so ashamed of myself and my lack of will-power ... I used to have so much, but its all gone. I dont know if this Forum is the right place or if you all think Im a nutcase. I know I need to talk to someone professional, but my last attempt wasnt very successful lol
This morning I had 43,5 kg and Im not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow coz it'll be worse. But I cant not go onto the scale... So for now I'll go on feeling awful and ashamed... until I figure out what to do.
Anyone with similar problems? It eould be good to know Im not the only one who is like this!
Im 24 and I always had issues with my body and weight. I've never been overweight. My highest weight was 57kg and I'm 157cm. But I always felt "fat"... mostly because thats what I was called more than once.
Three years ago I decided to lose some weight, so I changed my eating habits (not dieting) and started to work out. All in a healthy, controlled way. I slowly lost and I was happy. My Goal Weight was 50kg, but once I got there, I didnt stop. "only 3kg more, so I can say I lost 10kg"... I know 47kg is already at the lower end of my weight range but thats what I wanted. I never counted calories, still treated myself with an occasional piece of cake or some chocolate etc. Then in June I discovered MFP and started to count every calorie of what I ate. Once I realized how many calories certain foods have, I started to cut them all out of my meal plan. The app gave me 1200 calories to lose weight, but I ate around 1275. I got kind of obsessive with it. Not long after, I reached my GW and stayed there for a while. But then I finished Uni and because I was moving to the UK three months later, I didnt start a job. So I had loads of spare time, I spent on working out. The gym became my second home and I lost more and more weight. In late October I finally relocated, having about 42,5kg. Since I couldnt go to the gym anymore, I got worried I'd gain all the weight back if I ate the same amount, so I lowered my calories to 700-900 and lost another 1,5kg. In November I found a cheap elliptical on Ebay and since I could work out again, I ate my 1275 calories, going back to 42,5kg, which I was fine with. I ate healthy, loads of vegetables etc... no sweets at all. I know my lifestyle wasnt really healthy at all but hey, I lost weight, was skinny = happy. I didnt care about possible risks, although I was aware of them.
About a month ago, I experienced something, I never knew before... I lost control over my food intake. I ate "normally" throughout the day, then went out to meet some friends. When I came back home, I was craving mainly carbs... I started to eat loads of bread, then I found cake and cookies. I thought it was just that one night, so not that bad... I lost the extra pounds soon again. But it wasnt only one night... Since then I found myself craving chocolate over and over again and it got worse with time. Some nights I ate so much in only a short period of time... I thought I could beat those cravings, if I have one pre-planned super binge, so one day, I went out and had a big burger and cheesy fries, went on with chocolate, ice-cream, biscuits, donuts, buns... whatever I could find. I felt so sick that night and thought I'd never touch it again. I have to add, that to lower the "damage" I was about to do to my body, I took some laxatives in advance. The next day I still felt so sick, guilty and ashamed, that I stayed in bed all day long, not eating anything. But once I left my room, I started to do the same thing again... stuffing my face with whatever there was in the cupboards. Again, I took even more laxatives and even ended up sticking my finger up my throat (I couldnt really vomit, though). Needless to say I felt even worse the following day. Also, whenever I lost control I extended my workout time from 60 to 100 minutes, eating about 1000 calories, to "make up" for the previous night. I realized this wasnt healthy. Food was taking over everything, Im still always planning my meals ahead and cant think of anything else than eating. I cant even go to a restaurant, without checking my calories first.
I went to see my GP, she looked at me, weighed me etc and came to the conclusion that Im a tiny bit too light for my height (Im still about 42,5kg now) but Im not too skinny. I told her everything, but I dont know if she even took me seriously. She said she'll refer me to a Psychologist and that he'll get back to me, but I havent heard from anyone so far.
This friday, I didnt feel hungry and didnt crave anything. I was fine. Yet I munched some Fruit Jellies and I dont even like Jelly. Well, it wasnt overly bad. On saturday I woke up with 41,8kg. But for some stupid reason, I started to munch on those Jelly things again, took one after another. Then a cookie. Then some nuts, crisps... The night ended with me sitting on the couch, eating a 300g bucket of crisps, a whole pack of Jellies, loads of chocolate balls, a pack of salt sticks, more chocolate and idk what else. I keep using Christmas as excuse for myself to pig out (last night wasnt as bad as normally). Today... well I wanted to stay "clean" until Christmas day, coz with the big meals then, I know I'll go over my 1275cals anyway. But not long after I had breakfast, I emptied the cupboards again. I ate so much today that I feel sick already and that without having a proper meal, it all comes from sweets. I came to a point where I thought 'Ok who cares, I cant control myself anymore anyway. Im getting fat, who cares?" I know Im not gaining a huge amount of weight (and I can certainly put on some before Im even considered 'chubby') but I dont know what to do anymore. I have a bowl of oats in front of me, but I cant allow myself to eat those 150 cals (according to the nutritional info) on top of what I ate already, not even thinking of dinner at this point. I havent been exercising yet, coz I dont feel well at all but I havent worked out since thursday, and after all that crap I ate the last days I HAVE TO do something.
Am I anorexic? Do I have bulimia? Do I even have an eating disorder? I dont know. Maybe I do, maybe I dont. I have no clue but what I know is, that I cant go on like this. I feel constantly bad and Im so ashamed of myself and my lack of will-power ... I used to have so much, but its all gone. I dont know if this Forum is the right place or if you all think Im a nutcase. I know I need to talk to someone professional, but my last attempt wasnt very successful lol
This morning I had 43,5 kg and Im not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow coz it'll be worse. But I cant not go onto the scale... So for now I'll go on feeling awful and ashamed... until I figure out what to do.
Anyone with similar problems? It eould be good to know Im not the only one who is like this!
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Replies
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Hello there, dear! I read your post and oh gosh, I just wish I could give you a big hug! I've experienced similar issues in the past, even now a days, such as this morning, I had two slices of velvet cake, some almond chicken and fried rice, then a donut, some pumpkin chocolate muffin, and pieces of bread- and in my mind I'm going back and forth like, "I can stop when I want, or can I just not stop and I'm trying to fool myself?" and I don't always feel bad when I eat a lot like that, I know its not healthy and other days I won't eat anything like that! Its like a teeter totter going back and forth. I usually only feel guilty the next morning.
I'm 5 feet 8 inches and at my lowest I was at 99 pounds, but it was odd because when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see an underweight girl, I didn't feel sickly either even though my family was telling me that I looked dreadfully thin. That was when I was 17-18 years old and now I'm 20 years old, I'm 135 pounds and looking to lose a few, but not get carried away with it again, hopefully.
MFP became a negative tool for me when I used it to count every single calorie as well, and tried to do less and less each day, it was almost like a game(?) for me, even if I could recognize it as unhealthy, I carried on with it anyways. Now a days I'm doing better but I can still feel urges sometimes to try and "beat" my yesterday's calorie intake.
I'm not sure if this is any help or anything at all to you but all I can say is I hope everything will be okay and if you ever want to talk or vent or anything at all, just send me an inbox. You're not alone!!
-tembii0 -
You must have professional help at this point.0
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Definitely sounds like disordered eating. Please do contact a psychologist, find one you click with.0
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With your height and weight and not to mention your history, you should not be trying for weight loss. Why not just eat well and do some weight training?Hello there, dear! I read your post and oh gosh, I just wish I could give you a big hug! I've experienced similar issues in the past, even now a days, such as this morning, I had two slices of velvet cake, some almond chicken and fried rice, then a donut, some pumpkin chocolate muffin, and pieces of bread- and in my mind I'm going back and forth like, "I can stop when I want, or can I just not stop and I'm trying to fool myself?" and I don't always feel bad when I eat a lot like that, I know its not healthy and other days I won't eat anything like that! Its like a teeter totter going back and forth. I usually only feel guilty the next morning.
I'm 5 feet 8 inches and at my lowest I was at 99 pounds, but it was odd because when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see an underweight girl, I didn't feel sickly either even though my family was telling me that I looked dreadfully thin. That was when I was 17-18 years old and now I'm 20 years old, I'm 135 pounds and looking to lose a few, but not get carried away with it again, hopefully.
MFP became a negative tool for me when I used it to count every single calorie as well, and tried to do less and less each day, it was almost like a game(?) for me, even if I could recognize it as unhealthy, I carried on with it anyways. Now a days I'm doing better but I can still feel urges sometimes to try and "beat" my yesterday's calorie intake.
I'm not sure if this is any help or anything at all to you but all I can say is I hope everything will be okay and if you ever want to talk or vent or anything at all, just send me an inbox. You're not alone!!
-tembii0 -
That's mostly what I'm going for, eating well and strength training, I like how I look at an even 130 lbs, I'm not going out of my way to lose a lot of weight, stress out over numbers, I used to weigh myself constantly but now I don't even own a scale which is a lot better for me now.0
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Very much disordered eating. Please keep after those doctors until you get the help you need.
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Actually I dont wanna lose anymore... I was happy with what I had (I know its still way too low, but you cant change those "Im getting fat" thoughts so easily). Its just this extra weight I always have after a binge, that bothers me. For a whole I even ate my maintainance calories given by MFP and trust me, that was a huge step for me!! Bzt I changed the settings back to losing weight coz I ate so much junk lately.... First I thought I got those cravings because I ate so little for so long and cut out sweets etc. But this weekend I ate it for no reason at all...! Boredome? Coz the food was there? I dont know.
Normally I dont even buy that stuff, to avoid pigging out. But I dont live alone, and the people Im with bring all that in... and I cant tell them not to eat chocolate only coz Ive got a problem, can I? Ugh, I just wish I could eat normally and healthy again, like I used to. But I cant.
Thanks a lot for all the replies! Keep them coming ^.^0 -
Very much disordered eating. Please keep after those doctors until you get the help you need.
Absolutely. Go to the psychologist and get the help you need to straighten this out. I am sorry, but from your picture you look very underweight and unhealthy.0 -
I can definitely understand this and completely advise getting help.
I have a compulsion disorder that sounds very similar, and I've found the more I try to fight it the worse the urge gets until I explode. The one thing I've found that helps me is that I have a set of things I have to do before I let myself cave in. It really forces to me take a step back and think about it (slows down the impulse).
The first thing I do is I make myself get up and drink a full glass of water (mostly because I'm bad about staying hydrated adn the body does funny things when dehydrated). Second, I make myself do something productive. Like clear out the dishwasher, vaccuum etc. Finally I take 5 deep breaths to relax, and if I still feel the urge then I give in (just a bit) knowing that I didn't fail, it's just something my brain needed at that point in time. I don't really feel guilty for it at that point, but I do try to keep it in moderation.
Is my coping mechanism healthy? I'm not really sure! But I know that I feel a lot more in control over the situation, have at least moderated my compulsion and it doesn't really rule my life as much. Plus it minimizes the damage since I allow myself sometime to build up my will to resist!
Good luck!0 -
Coming from a recovering bulimic who badly abused laxatives I will say that yes, you most definitely have an ED. I wish I could give you a big hug because what your describing is EXACTLY how I sounded before I got help. It's actually really eerie how similar we sound. I was extremely depressed and my life revolved around food. I did work with a psychologist for awhile but it didn't help. It wasn't until I received inpatient treatment that I finally got the help I needed so badly. Those 30 days were extremely difficult but they saved my life. If you ever need anyone to talk to please message me anytime.0
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