Finding Support When Others Are Unsupportive

revkhyler
revkhyler Posts: 21
in Motivation and Support
I came across something in the recent months that made me a bit sad - but then again, she's the reason I came here. There's a longtime friend of mine who I love like a sister, but I have to be wary of what I say to her when it comes to me making healthier diet and lifestyle choices.

She's a longtime member of NAAFA and a supporter of the HAES/FA movement and I'm glad she's involved in something she believes in so strongly. I can even see the point of what they're trying to achieve - kind of. I support her wholeheartedly, though I don't always agree with some of the venom she repeats, the books she has me read or the facts and figures she brings up. (I wish to high heaven she'd read what the Mayo clinic and registered dieticians have to say for a change.)

I too believe that healthy and fit does not mean size 0 (I'm a natural size 8/10 at my most fit point) but I don't believe that fat is healthy. I've watched family members and coworkers (and parishioners) suffer and/or die from diseases that could have been prevented by a healthy diet and exercise regime. My late father is a good example.

I've found that I simply don't talk about my efforts around her, even in pleasant terms - because some of the people she listens to in the movement have taught her that pretty much anything anybody says when they're trying to get healthy is hostile and anti-fat. It's sad... I miss confiding in her. But I've learned to keep my mouth shut and just listen; I do that a lot as a chaplain and working customer service at my job and I've always been the 'shrink/counselor' of any friend group to which I belong. I still meet with her once every two weeks for dinner and I try to find neutral activities that we both enjoy that don't involve food.

Sorry to rant a bit, but I'm so glad to be here where I feel I can finally get some support for the hard work I'm willing to put in to live a longer and healthier life.

Blessings to You All - Happy Holidays -
And May Our Efforts and Hard Work
Be Rewarded!
Rev. K.

Replies

  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    people who are your "friends" that you cannot have an intellectual conversation with (even one where you disagree) are not really friends.

    I have a friend who is very similar to me- but comes from a completely different background- we do not agree on many things- but we sure as hell have interesting conversations about them.

    I have found anyone who is SO staunch in their beliefs that they cannot simply entertain a conversation about a differing opinion- it immediately gets hostile? they aren't worth keeping around.

    I'd really just make new friends and distance yourself. not worth the toxic.

    sorry for your friend getting sucked into a cult- that sucks.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    sounds like youre doing the right thing.

    We cant talk about everything in our lives to everybody, and it sounds like this is a hot point with her.

    If you value the friendship it's not a battle worth fighting. Now I say that thinking on the other hand could you watch a friend slowly committing suicide without every saying a thing.

    Hard question...continue to model your life in health maybe eventually she will see some of the rhetoric that NAFA preaches.

    Note I dont think they are a bad organization but like PETA they advance their cause in detriment to those they are meant to help.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,474 Member
    a good rant helps you to feel better,,,,
    do not listen to others,
    do what you believe in.
  • briandahawaiian
    briandahawaiian Posts: 112 Member
    people who are your "friends" that you cannot have an intellectual conversation with (even one where you disagree) are not really friends.

    I have a friend who is very similar to me- but comes from a completely different background- we do not agree on many things- but we sure as hell have interesting conversations about them.

    I have found anyone who is SO staunch in their beliefs that they cannot simply entertain a conversation about a differing opinion- it immediately gets hostile? they aren't worth keeping around.

    I'd really just make new friends and distance yourself. not worth the toxic.

    sorry for your friend getting sucked into a cult- that sucks.

    I agree but there is always hope that she will change and be the friend she always was. unless she was always this way, then yes not good for you :(
  • DiannaLouize
    DiannaLouize Posts: 7 Member
    So glad to see this post. It makes me very angry when the overweight discriminate against thin people.
    I'm 5'4" and 113lbs. I've battled anorexia and at my smallest I weighed under 100. But I've also weighed up to 140lbs in the past.
    People have made inappropriate comments to me not just at the height of my ED but even at my current weight.
    A guy I work with last week said something to me like, I seen a picture of you back when you were thicker. you had that nice round *kitten*, and looked smokin hot. You would look 10 times better if you would put on at least 20 pounds and you would definitely more money too" ( I'm a waitress) then he backpedaled with "not saying you look really horrible now" when he saw the look of disgust onto face. Like dude, my weight is none of your business. And most people wouldn't dare insult an overweight person to their face like that.
    This picture he's talking about is one a "friend" (more like frienemy) whom I happen to work with decided to show everyone in the restaurant to prove some point of how I looked awesome then and need to change my body, to make me feel inadequate.
    Ironically this is the same frienemy who told my boyfriend I looked "fat" when the pic was taken.
    Long story short, F the haters. Idk anything about this group your friend is a member of, but it sounds like their principles may be teetering on the edge of thin discrimination. Fact is obesity is unhealthy and so is being underweight.
    If I were you I would avoid the subject of weight altogether around this friend if she's going to remain all closed minded and holier than thou. Honestly she's probably just jealous.
  • kgeyser
    kgeyser Posts: 22,505 Member
    I'm glad you were able to find this place and that you are able to find motivation and support here. I think it's important for everyone to find a place where they are comfortable, and while I do not agree with the group's principles, it seems like this NAAFA group might be the place where you friend is comfortable right now. I think there is a tendency on this site for people who have gotten fit and healthy to forget what it was like when they were fat and when success at weight loss seemed like an insurmountable odd. I think it is nice that you are continuing the friendship as there is obviously more to your relationship than just your disagreements about body type, and finding non-food activities seems to be a good way to go. Both of you have your own groups who are like-minded when it comes to weight, so there's no need for either of you to talk about it, and if something does change down the line, you'll still have years of friendship behind you and be able to support one another.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    people who are your "friends" that you cannot have an intellectual conversation with (even one where you disagree) are not really friends.

    I have a friend who is very similar to me- but comes from a completely different background- we do not agree on many things- but we sure as hell have interesting conversations about them.

    I have found anyone who is SO staunch in their beliefs that they cannot simply entertain a conversation about a differing opinion- it immediately gets hostile? they aren't worth keeping around.

    I'd really just make new friends and distance yourself. not worth the toxic.

    sorry for your friend getting sucked into a cult- that sucks.

    I agree but there is always hope that she will change and be the friend she always was. unless she was always this way, then yes not good for you :(

    of course- you can allow them to make ammends- but you have to protect yourself and do what's right for you.

    Drifting away from someone doesn't mean you have to be rude curt or never ever ever talk to them again. If she deciedes to not be such a stick in the mud OP can move into building a healthier relationship. No harm no foul.
  • MysteriousMerlin
    MysteriousMerlin Posts: 2,270 Member
    I have found anyone who is SO staunch in their beliefs that they cannot simply entertain a conversation about a differing opinion- it immediately gets hostile? they aren't worth keeping around.

    Well said. I'm all for people believing what they want, but be willing to talk and discuss differing/new ideas.
  • revkhyler
    revkhyler Posts: 21
    Thanks to you all for your input and support. Here's blessings and support on all of our hard work and efforts.

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