Confidence and Acceptance Vs Confidence Via Acceptance

I am still working on staying health and eating well. I’m now down to 268 lbs. I know that number doesn't sound great but a month ago I was pushing 290 lbs so I feel pretty good about it. As I am losing weight and feeling more attractive I have begun to think about and consider dating. Having not dated in the last 6 years I am quite terrified. Also, the last time I dated I weighed around 180lbs.

I am slowly becoming more and more confident in my body; truly knowing that I am a beautiful, sexy, curvy woman. I find however, that I still believe that a man without a fat fetish would never be attracted to me. Or more simply put, that a man I am attracted to would never be attracted to me the way I am now.

Disclaimer: I am currently in contact with a ‘tall dark and handsome’ man that I am attracted to, who wants to 'bone' me. He does not have a fat fetish or any other sexual weirdness going on. In the part of my brain that thinks rationally I know that he likes the way I look…not only the way I look, I am a pretty awesome person. Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot! In the other part of my brain that thinks like a crazy person and keeps me up at night verbally and emotionally abusing me thinks that this is a joke. There is no way a man as gorgeous as he is would want this, and the minute he sees me naked he’s going to say, ‘welp…nevermind’. My rational brain is kicking in this very minute as I write telling me 1. He is not like that and 2. Shut the **** up, why do you talk to yourself like this.

All of that being said, I am coming to realize that even though I know I am an attractive foxy lady, my acceptance…my full acceptance of this is largely tied to how attractive or unattractive I think other people find me--> I think I am beautiful, but no one else would, therefore I must not be.

What?!?!

I know that as my health and fitness progresses my emotions and outlooks will change. 20lbs from now I will be thinking I’m the sexiest thing walking and who wouldn't want to hit this!?

What I am most concerned about though is the feeling that I am not worthy unless someone else thinks I am; and I am sure I am not the only one! I don’t know much about men, but I am sure you have self-worth issues as well. I can sit here and preach about self-confidence and letting your inner beauty shine till the cows come home, though I cannot seem to tell them to myself.
Again, the rational and irrational parts of my brain are in constant conflict with one another. I would like to say however, that my rational part is usually in control, the irrational is just louder.