Learning to love yourself

TXRanchGirl
TXRanchGirl Posts: 303
in Motivation and Support
Id like to talk abit about learning to love yourself..in a sense.

This came about yesterday, as my husband and I watched movies..I remember hating to watch movies with him before..movies filled with, what I deemed as, perfect women..rail thin with flat bellies..something I was not.

Yesterday, as I watched these same movies..I realized..for the first time ever..that these women were not the "sticks" I had put them on in my mind..and actually now..they looked more "womanly" then I actually do (in terms of feminity and such).

For the first time ever..I looked at myself and thought "mabey I am to thin"..mabey Ive lost that feminity and allure...
(for the record we watched Spiderman, Iron Man 2 and Burn Notice..so actresses Im talking about are Kirsten Dunst, Gabrielle Anwar and Scarlett Johansson specifically)

So now..I am teetering on the edge of self hate again..this time over being TO thin versus being chubby (I was 140 or so before..am 108-112 now)..Husband says he'd like to see me at 120..I am 5'3.

How do you find the balance? I lost weight and took a military approach to exercise due to some bad upheavals going on in my life.. the focus of "getting healthy" helped me deal with the upheavals. I admit I am more then scared to allow myself some weight gain in fear of it snowballing out of control..but I dont think being this thin and "Bony" is good either..

thoughts on how you come to terms with your "happy self" and learning to love yourself and not seek extremes.

Replies

  • Ant_the_old_keith_lemon
    Ant_the_old_keith_lemon Posts: 272 Member
    I finally found self belonging this year after nearly having a breakdown because somebody found me attractive....

    tried to convince myself that i was a monster and i would hurt this person, basically jibbed right out. until i realised the only reason this person liked me was because all the experiences i have had; be they good or bad have moulded me into who i am...

    for some reason following that near meltdown ive realised YOLO!! :)

    i thought weight was the contributing factor to my self hatred but in actual fact it was a few things that i experienced as a kid that i bottled up.. now i have a good close circle of friends ive managed to talk about things, these thoughts that were put in my head by my father and the later event (death of a friend) that made me hide from life were not my doing and who i am now is a result of these events..

    i smile a lot nowadays
  • TXRanchGirl
    TXRanchGirl Posts: 303
    I have little doubt my past experiences have colored who I am today...good and bad. I know Ive always battled a deep seated loathing of my own self image. I always secretly envied other girls in school who, I thought, were more vibrant, thinner and more beautiful then I. There have been times when Ive been able to "hide" it..but a vast majority of times..Im plain old insecure..and have been labeled as such...I know I am and I have decided I dont like it...as weird as it is..while watching those movies and realizing how sqrewed up my thinking was on what I considered "beautiful" and "attractive"...it was abit of a wakeup call.

    I was borderline overweight before..I dont want to go back to that place..but I want to find a happy medium...I want to love myself..not again..but for the first time.
  • Ant_the_old_keith_lemon
    Ant_the_old_keith_lemon Posts: 272 Member
    you seem so close, you will get there....
  • afat12
    afat12 Posts: 178 Member
    I finally found self belonging this year after nearly having a breakdown because somebody found me attractive....

    tried to convince myself that i was a monster and i would hurt this person, basically jibbed right out. until i realised the only reason this person liked me was because all the experiences i have had; be they good or bad have moulded me into who i am...

    for some reason following that near meltdown ive realised YOLO!! :)

    i thought weight was the contributing factor to my self hatred but in actual fact it was a few things that i experienced as a kid that i bottled up.. now i have a good close circle of friends ive managed to talk about things, these thoughts that were put in my head by my father and the later event (death of a friend) that made me hide from life were not my doing and who i am now is a result of these events..

    i smile a lot nowadays

    Agree YOLO :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
  • TheGymGypsy
    TheGymGypsy Posts: 1,023 Member
    Self love is a tough road. I myself am far from achieving it. What you need to realize is that the most attractive qualities about you are not physical at all. Confidence, intelligence, and kindness are worth more then 6 pack abs could ever be.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    I think a good lesson to learn in life is to never compare yourself especially to actresses in moves with editing, make up artistry, and stylists on hand. Film does add 10lbs thats why media prefers to use waif models.

    The second is you accept yourself as you are right now, and you dont let any other person define you. If you feel best at 118 then you stay 118 and be happy there work to make yourself as healthy and as beautiful as you can be both outside and in. Age will help too as you learn that happiness only comes from acceptance and evolution.

    You only change what you want in yourself because you know it will improve your life and make you a happier person for no one else but you.
  • TXRanchGirl
    TXRanchGirl Posts: 303
    ^^^THIS I think is exactly what I need to come to terms with GymGypsy. And its been said to me..countless times..but hearing it and implementing it are two different roads. I want too..I keep trying..I have a good stretch where I feel I am approaching that mindset of enlightenment..and then something happens and I let it totally derail me..like a person binge eating one day and letting that one mistake sabotage their whole week..(and interesting..I DONT do this with eating and exercise!)
  • crazie4lulu
    crazie4lulu Posts: 762 Member
    well i did it but it took damn near 15 years to do it. i have come to terms with the fact the my children ruined my body. not in the sense of being out of shape.... but with the stretch marks they left me as my honor badges. Badges of Courage to fight to keep them healthy enough to deliver them healthy...cuz i did NOT have the easist of pregnancies. When i go to the beach or i am at the pool i was always worried someone would say something. now???? screw them!!!! if you dont like my tiger stipes... then dont look!!! I have come to terms with the fact im going to be 45 this coming year...OMFG... did i just say that? you cant change time.... you can only change yourself.... and learning to love yourself comes with time. we never know just how much time we have left here on the earth... but i am NOT going to sit around in a pity pool feeling bad because of the way i look. Life is too damn short!!!!
  • Ejourneys
    Ejourneys Posts: 1,603 Member
    About 35 years ago I forced myself to stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and take a good, long look at myself -- and CHERISH every single inch of who I was regardless of my shape or size. I knew I had to deprogram myself, so this became a daily routine.

    It was one of the hardest, but ultimately one of the most satisfying and healing things I have ever done.

    When I've been at my heaviest, I've still cherished my body while also recognizing that I had a lot of work to do if I wanted to preserve my health. For me, weight and fitness are much less about how I look and much more about how I feel.

    I've been in the "too thin" phase, which had come from focusing on BMI and not on body fat percentage. It's a learning process -- significant changes in weight means learning new terrain. Listen to your body, and trust it.
  • TXEXrunner
    TXEXrunner Posts: 178 Member
    You comment about being cautious about seeking extremes and looking bony. It sounds to me like you are ready mentally ready to gain some weight to feel healthy about yourself. That's good - you are motivated to start the journey you desire. Find friends to help get you to the goal you desire and help you stay there. Don't compare yourself to the Hollywood types - it's not fair to you. They don't live in our reality, especially the fictional characters they play, and we shouldn't try to be like them. Most importantly, I'll echo the comments of others and say you are much, much more than what you see physically. When you look in the mirror, take into consideration more so who you are than what you look like. Character does count - a lot! Find a healthy balance between diet and exercise to be comfortable with your physical appearance/ weight. But know there is so much more about you that is important and find strength in that too! Good luck with your journey!! Keep us posted on your progress!
  • 47Jacqueline
    47Jacqueline Posts: 6,993 Member
    My mom died last summer and I have been going to a bereavement group for about a month and a half. One evening the Rabbi brought in a prayer about losing a parent who was emotionally unavailable and also talked about how hard it is to get over the loss of continuing to try to get them to love me. It started my grieving process and made me realize the truth in what my therapist had been telling me for years.

    Now, as a 5'4" 66-year-old, 125 pound fit woman, I am beginning to feel better about myself and have started to understand why I chose unavailable men for so long.

    I am feeling much better about myself.
  • acar65
    acar65 Posts: 3
    I'd like to understand why I sabotage myself and my accomplishments. Three weeks into P90X (second time through)---feeling energized, "high", and motivated...my clothes begin to feel loser and I am gaining some self-confidence. Then...snap! I slip back into poor eating habits, no motivation to work out and those awful feelings associated with poor body image and low self-esteem creep into my conscious thoughts. I chose to eat bad food and increase my alcohol consumption, but I can't seem to figure out why.

    I have a great job I love...a supportive and loving family...mostly a balanced work/social/home life---some days are more challenging than others. What is it about committing to healthy eating I just can't seem to do??!! I am so disciplined with regular exercise but my poor eating habits keep me from reaching my full fitness potential.

    I think this is beyond food cravings and more along the lines of food addiction---I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I am cursed with a family "sweet tooth". How can I break these bad food habits for good? How do I strengthen my will-power and reverence for health eating? Anyone?? I'll take any and all advice!
  • TXRanchGirl
    TXRanchGirl Posts: 303
    I thank each of you kindly for taking the time to write..it helps alot. I hate to "dump" on my happy friends..espc if they have not ever been at the place I am facing..and while I love my husband..I try not to dump on him too much either. He has made comments about my weight..he treads carefully, but has made it clear that he does not like me this thin and while he wont say it straight out..its affecting his physical attractiveness to me...seems weird right? usually women loose weight to BE attractive...this bothers me..as I said earlier...it affects my already low security...that in turn makes me sad and scared..and I get very low feeling..which then affects my relationship with my husband and everyone around me.

    I stood naked the other morning in front of the mirror..for the first time in MONTHS..I saw myself..I saw a bony woman..with no feminine qualities (I lost my tata's when I lost all my weight)..it was surreal, enlightening and saddening at the same time.

    I guess mabey I dont know how to put on some weight..I need to get over my mental block of of this.

    on a side note..I actually measured myself yesterday..to determine my body type..something I'd never done..I came out a petite hourglass..I did some reading..these body types should not be sticks..they should have some healthy curves..and while I was alittle to chunky before..I am hopeful I can add alittle more feminity to my body without going into the overweight catergory again.
  • TXRanchGirl
    TXRanchGirl Posts: 303
    I'd like to understand why I sabotage myself and my accomplishments. Three weeks into P90X (second time through)---feeling energized, "high", and motivated...my clothes begin to feel loser and I am gaining some self-confidence. Then...snap! I slip back into poor eating habits, no motivation to work out and those awful feelings associated with poor body image and low self-esteem creep into my conscious thoughts. I chose to eat bad food and increase my alcohol consumption, but I can't seem to figure out why.

    I have a great job I love...a supportive and loving family...mostly a balanced work/social/home life---some days are more challenging than others. What is it about committing to healthy eating I just can't seem to do??!! I am so disciplined with regular exercise but my poor eating habits keep me from reaching my full fitness potential.

    I think this is beyond food cravings and more along the lines of food addiction---I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I am cursed with a family "sweet tooth". How can I break these bad food habits for good? How do I strengthen my will-power and reverence for health eating? Anyone?? I'll take any and all advice!

    I will say, I personally have a BIG problem with "just one"..espc chocolate. so I try not to keep it readily available in the house..I am JUST NOW at the point I can keep chocolate chips in the house and not snack on them all the time... My will power came from, without going into to many details..having my heart ripped out..my only solice was to focus on clean eating and exercise..that shell shocked-ness I had made me throw myself into such a resolve..that nothing could break it. I dont advocate what I had to go thru to increase your resolve..but mabey finding your own goal..I am thinking of taking up journaling personally..I feel alittle silly..but I find writing things out helps me stay focused and grounded.

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