Losing weight - and losing my best friend

PaulaRicco
PaulaRicco Posts: 35 Member
in Motivation and Support
This past year has been quite the journey for me - losing weight, becoming much more physically fit and releasing a lot of negative things/people in my life.

A very good friend of mine (okay, my best friend) has cut me lose. For a while she would make jokes, or small funny comments about me losing weight or exercising, which I never minded. She is over weight too and has a great sense of humor, so it was something I was used too. The last few times I have seen her and we've gone out to eat, I can sense that she is bothered by the changes she sees in my eating habits and my appearance - she gives me strange looks and makes comments that are pretty negative. Maybe her own insecurities about her own weight being brought to light, or maybe she just connects me changing physically with me somehow changing in other ways. Recently, she has stopped returning my calls and texts. I've asked her if/why she is avoiding me and she says she is just too busy to get in touch with me. I've also become much closer with the friends and family that do support my new lifestyle, but I still miss her so much.

Has anyone else had this happen? What did you do? Do I give her space and hope she comes around?

Replies

  • mrsjones2point0
    mrsjones2point0 Posts: 332 Member
    Friens, sadly, come and go. They are there for a reason, or a season, and now it's time to move on. Remember her fondly, and the great times you have shared. But, honestly, you don't need that negativity in your life. Your path has changed, it's time to get on it and ride it for all it's worth and don't let her hold you back.

    I have a vbff that we text about once a month these days, that's all we can do, stay in touch, remember how much we love each other. Drop her a line every now and again just to let her know that you are thinking of her, or remind her of an inside joke, but beyond that, let her go.

    You will miss her, but let her go, give her space. If she comes back, great; if she doesn't, embrace your changes and your new people who are supportive of you.

    Life is all about changes, it's time to change!
  • gcbma
    gcbma Posts: 112 Member
    I do know how you feel, and am going through a similar situation. While it eats at you, it shouldn't control your life. If this is affecting you negatively, time to let her go. I know it hurts.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,026 Member
    It's not you. Unfortunately there are people out there that can't be around others who they feel make them feel bad about themselves. She probably knows she has to lose weight and with you doing it, it may make her feel like a failure. Nothing you can say will change how she feels. She has to address that issue herself.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
    It's not you. Unfortunately there are people out there that can't be around others who they feel make them feel bad about themselves. She probably knows she has to lose weight and with you doing it, it may make her feel like a failure. Nothing you can say will change how she feels. She has to address that issue herself.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    This sums it up perfectly.
  • PaulaRicco
    PaulaRicco Posts: 35 Member
    Wow, thank you all so much for the great advice. I was feeling really down about this lately and hearing your support has made me feel so much more at peace with this issue.
  • missa3428
    missa3428 Posts: 114
    I felt this way as well with a friend of mine. I finally kept texting her and we hung out. We have both been thin together and thick. But if she is a true friend she will stick with you through thick and thin (literally). My friend admitted to me she was jealous and I said well don’t be jealous, do it with me and she still hasn’t started to lose weight but she and I are still close friends. We have been through a lot together, and if she is willing to just throw it away because you are bettering yourself it isn’t worth being friends in the loan run. I hope everything works out for the best.
  • laxheart16
    laxheart16 Posts: 12 Member
    I have been on the other side of this. I have been the negative, unsupportive friend unfortunately, but I can admit that now. My senior year of high school, my best friend of nearly 10 years and I embarked on a journey to lose weight, get fit, and become healthy together. We went to the gym together and cooked together, helping each other out. I lost nearly 35 lbs and she lost a lot too. We were both so excited, especially because we were going to be rooming together in college! Then, a few weeks before our freshman year, I badly injured my knee. I had knee problems the whole year and was unable to exercise. I gained a lot of weight due to the inactivity and unhealthy college food. Because of this, I developed severe depression, self esteem issues, and a bad attitude. My best friend on the other hand, continued with her journey to help and went way above and beyond what she had originally planned. She became so fit, thin, and in the best shape of her entire life. My bad attitude made me lash out at her many times and I had trouble supporting her, even though she was so incredibly happy. We fought a lot but in the end, we overcame the difficult year. I can't thank her enough for supporting me in my difficult time and putting up with all of the crap I put her through. She didn't deserve it. Overall, I was the one who had the problem and needed to change my attitude. It was tough, and it took an active effort to maintain a more positive attitude especially when I was feeling down about myself and my body. Now, I'm at the point where my knees and mobility have improved a lot. I still have a long way to go, but I have hope.

    Anyways, just thought this would be helpful maybe to see the perspective of the other side. I don't mean to justify it though. If she is truly a friend, hopefully things will work out and she will find a way to support you. Maybe her reasons are similar to mine and they are based on inner personal problems and self-esteem issues. I wish you both the best.
  • uconnwinsnc
    uconnwinsnc Posts: 1,054 Member
    I lost an incredibly close friend a few months ago when I was basically told "*** off" for no reason at all. It is rough, but I am fine now and you will get better. The emotional pain of being shut out of someones life is almost worse than seeing that person die. You have no closure. You can't end on good terms They want nothing to do with you, and that is how it will be. It really sucks, but the pain doesn't last forever. You will move on, and she will move on, the best you can do is accept her decision to end the friendship.
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,751 Member
    We have lost many friends over our "journey". Many of our old friends don't understand how or why we live the way we do, and make the lifestyle choices we do. They don't invite us over "because you won't eat our food". Um. Ok. I don't see friends for food, I see friends to catch up, but never mind.

    We have also gained many friends with similar ideas about food, training, lifestyle and they "get" us. None of us care if we all turn up to a gathering with our own Tupperware containers :)

    It is tough - we appreciate the friends we do have though!
  • pusheen12
    pusheen12 Posts: 192 Member
    Sometimes we find out who are true friends are the hard way. Do not internalize her problems with your weight loss. It isn't you, it's her 100%. I would cut her loose mentally and if she ever gets over herself it will be up to you to decide if you can forgive her and move forward. It's sad we have to go through these things sometimes. She doesn't realize how this hurts you as she is so busy trying to protect her own emotions of jealousy and internal loathing. She can't deal with your success, how truly sad. Sounds like she can only be close to heavy people like herself because others make her feel bad about herself. How sad for her...her loss.
  • icimani
    icimani Posts: 1,454 Member
    It hasn't happened because of my weight yet, but I can see it coming with one particular friend. I've had it happen over the years for various reasons, or for no reason at all. I have one friend that we've grown apart and then come back together several times. It was sheer persistence on my part (and she has thanked me for my persistence) that has kept us in touch and she remains one of my closest friends (for 35 years now!).

    Friends will come in and out of your life.

    I agree with the person who said send her a text, or email, or whatever, every once in a while to let her know you're thinking about her. Maybe with some work you can get back together again, but maybe you'll decide it's not worth the one-sided work. Either way - good luck. I know it hurts to lose a friend!
  • PunkyRachel
    PunkyRachel Posts: 1,959 Member
    yes, my best friend of over 20 years, had a fall out about a year in a half ago. Two years ago we started this 12 week weight loss program together and I lost 15 lbs and she only lost 5 lbs, she was frustrated and just gave up. I kept trying to encourage her by telling her shes losing inches her clothes look baggy on her, etc. but because the scale didn't move she gave up. I on the other had did not. We were still friends and stuff, but I tried to not talk about my weight loss successes around her, but she could tell I was still losing weight and she got insanely jealous and we began getting into petty fights and she blew everything out of proportion. So finally after about 2 months of us being at each others throats, I said enough. I told her I'm done! I still loved her like a sister and cared about her, but I was done. We stopped talking and being friends, she even took me off of her social media friend lists. Well about 6-7 months later. I get a text and an apology, and was asked to "hang out" to just try and see if we can make this work. She has accepted the new healthier me, though I still don't talk about my weight loss with her as a precaution. I will admit the first couple outings with her were a bit odd feeling, but we are now just as close if not closer than before. I don't care that she is overweight, shes still my best friend!

    I would just still keep your friend in your thoughts and prayers while giving her space, maybe she will eventually come around, like my best friend did. Maybe she won't but try not to let it upset you too much. I know it hard. *hugs*

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