Thanks.. I think..?
pollypocket3
Posts: 51 Member
in Chit-Chat
Unfortunately I feel that this post is going to be geared more towards the females here, but I wouldn't mind seeing the response from the male population here.
I've been "getting down to business" with being serious about being healthy for about 6 months now and I'm getting to the point where I'm becoming more photogenic again because I'm getting more comfortable and confident with myself. I recently updated one of my social media profile pictures and received a private message from one of my close girl friends, guy friends.
Not a big deal, we've talked before because he has been trying to get together with said close girl friend and needed some help to send her a gift in the past. He had been trying to get together with her for as long as I've been talking to him (about a year). To make this clear, I was never interested in this guy nor did I make any comments that would indicate anything different.
Said message comes conveniently after my girl friend made it known she was dating someone else. The conversation started off fine but quickly went south when he made a comment on how beautiful I was. Followed by a "... don't tell [my close girl friend] lol".
Really?:noway: Oh it gets better...
That comment is followed by comments around the lines of "had I met you first..." and "you made it difficult to not say anything"...
Seriously? :huh:
That conversation quickly ended without me addressing it (because I am quick to speak and knew I needed to word a response carefully without coming off the wrong way). I didn't bring it up to my friend.
A couple days later, as I was still deciding how I wanted to approach this situation I received another message from him saying that he had been looking on an online dating site and saw someone that looked like me and that he proceeded to send this woman a message saying that she "looked like this super 'cute' girl [he] knew" but knew it wasn't me because she was from another state entirely.
What? :huh:
Alright sir, he apparently wants some sort of reaction from me so here it is: "First I'd like to say that what I am about to say by no means is meant to come off as *****ing. Sometimes I tend to come off that way when I don't mean it, so I'm letting you know right now not to take it that way. While I greatly appreciate that people are noticing the hard work I am putting into living a healthier lifestyle, there are ways that people go about giving those compliments that are a little... off putting. I suppose in my trying to make light of your initial compliment it spiraled a little bit. For future reference, please don't tell me, and I think this goes for any other girl with a good head on their shoulders, that you think they're beautiful - but not to tell so and so (i.e. another one of her friends in which the gentleman has been going after for quite some time). Especially if that girl considers said "so and so" one of their closest friends. As for the message a few hours ago, I am still digesting that one. I guess I'm not understanding the point of sharing that with me... I'll have to just take it as it is and leave it at that. My only advice to someone who didn't ask for it is this: if you'd have to finish a compliment with a statement such as "don't tell [said girl friend], lol", please, don't say it, or say it in a different way that would leave a girl proud of the work she's put in and that people are noticing, because trust me, a girl is going to want to share with her friends how people are taking notice of something she's put a lot of work into."
That didn't sound too bratty, did it? Great! He said that he understood and agreed with me...
I called my friend right after I received his response and told her what was going on because I only felt it was right in the situation. I'm not asking for advice on how I handled it because I handled it the best I could in my opinion, but I am just wondering what others would have done in this situation. I can shrug it off now, but doesn't my response to him make sense? Not even getting into the whole idea on how it didn't make me feel "beautiful". :grumble: Has this happened to anyone else since they've started being healthier? Have the tables been reversed and has a guy been in my position?
I guess anyone male or female alike could take that advice that I dolled out without being asked. If you're going to compliment anyone, make sure you don't have to end that sentence with a "don't tell so and so"... I know I look good, I even confidently said that to someone yesterday.. you don't need to tell me if you can't fully mean it when anyone else hears that's what you've said. Cheers! :drinker:
I've been "getting down to business" with being serious about being healthy for about 6 months now and I'm getting to the point where I'm becoming more photogenic again because I'm getting more comfortable and confident with myself. I recently updated one of my social media profile pictures and received a private message from one of my close girl friends, guy friends.
Not a big deal, we've talked before because he has been trying to get together with said close girl friend and needed some help to send her a gift in the past. He had been trying to get together with her for as long as I've been talking to him (about a year). To make this clear, I was never interested in this guy nor did I make any comments that would indicate anything different.
Said message comes conveniently after my girl friend made it known she was dating someone else. The conversation started off fine but quickly went south when he made a comment on how beautiful I was. Followed by a "... don't tell [my close girl friend] lol".
Really?:noway: Oh it gets better...
That comment is followed by comments around the lines of "had I met you first..." and "you made it difficult to not say anything"...
Seriously? :huh:
That conversation quickly ended without me addressing it (because I am quick to speak and knew I needed to word a response carefully without coming off the wrong way). I didn't bring it up to my friend.
A couple days later, as I was still deciding how I wanted to approach this situation I received another message from him saying that he had been looking on an online dating site and saw someone that looked like me and that he proceeded to send this woman a message saying that she "looked like this super 'cute' girl [he] knew" but knew it wasn't me because she was from another state entirely.
What? :huh:
Alright sir, he apparently wants some sort of reaction from me so here it is: "First I'd like to say that what I am about to say by no means is meant to come off as *****ing. Sometimes I tend to come off that way when I don't mean it, so I'm letting you know right now not to take it that way. While I greatly appreciate that people are noticing the hard work I am putting into living a healthier lifestyle, there are ways that people go about giving those compliments that are a little... off putting. I suppose in my trying to make light of your initial compliment it spiraled a little bit. For future reference, please don't tell me, and I think this goes for any other girl with a good head on their shoulders, that you think they're beautiful - but not to tell so and so (i.e. another one of her friends in which the gentleman has been going after for quite some time). Especially if that girl considers said "so and so" one of their closest friends. As for the message a few hours ago, I am still digesting that one. I guess I'm not understanding the point of sharing that with me... I'll have to just take it as it is and leave it at that. My only advice to someone who didn't ask for it is this: if you'd have to finish a compliment with a statement such as "don't tell [said girl friend], lol", please, don't say it, or say it in a different way that would leave a girl proud of the work she's put in and that people are noticing, because trust me, a girl is going to want to share with her friends how people are taking notice of something she's put a lot of work into."
That didn't sound too bratty, did it? Great! He said that he understood and agreed with me...
I called my friend right after I received his response and told her what was going on because I only felt it was right in the situation. I'm not asking for advice on how I handled it because I handled it the best I could in my opinion, but I am just wondering what others would have done in this situation. I can shrug it off now, but doesn't my response to him make sense? Not even getting into the whole idea on how it didn't make me feel "beautiful". :grumble: Has this happened to anyone else since they've started being healthier? Have the tables been reversed and has a guy been in my position?
I guess anyone male or female alike could take that advice that I dolled out without being asked. If you're going to compliment anyone, make sure you don't have to end that sentence with a "don't tell so and so"... I know I look good, I even confidently said that to someone yesterday.. you don't need to tell me if you can't fully mean it when anyone else hears that's what you've said. Cheers! :drinker:
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Replies
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As soon as he said "don't tell so and so" I would just respond right away with something like "thanks for the compliment but let's keep this platonic" and then change the subject "so anyways have you seen the new (insert music video, movie, tv series etc)0
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I will have to keep that in mind. Unfortunately that's out of my usual personality trait of avoiding confrontation, but if I approached it like that, directly and quickly it would make things a lot less weird, quickly. That's definitely something I need to work on mentally with myself - have had to do that for a while.
Thanks for that suggestion. Has it ever happened to you? 0 -
I have found guys usually respond pretty well to directness and get over hurt feelings quickly0
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I would have pressed the "delete" button after the initial message and moved on with my life. I also would not have said anything to my friend, because if she is not interested in the guy (and she clearly is not), there is no need to give her the details of our conversations. That sort of thing just buys into whatever stupid little game he's trying to play. But I'm an old married broad and I have no patience for **** like this.0
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You don't need to approach it; just walk right past it. Nothing beneficial will come from approaching the issue.0
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I would have pressed the "delete" button after the initial message and moved on with my life. I also would not have said anything to my friend, because if she is not interested in the guy (and she clearly is not), there is no need to give her the details of our conversations. That sort of thing just buys into whatever stupid little game he's trying to play. But I'm an old married broad and I have no patience for **** like this.
kgeyser I can see where you're getting at with playing into the whole game if it continued to happen repeatedly after I had told him what I did. And in a way I guess that's why I didn't say anything right away until the second comment was made (before I said anything to him about it)...0 -
I would have pressed the "delete" button after the initial message and moved on with my life. I also would not have said anything to my friend, because if she is not interested in the guy (and she clearly is not), there is no need to give her the details of our conversations. That sort of thing just buys into whatever stupid little game he's trying to play. But I'm an old married broad and I have no patience for **** like this.
kgeyser I can see where you're getting at with playing into the whole game if it continued to happen repeatedly after I had told him what I did. And in a way I guess that's why I didn't say anything right away until the second comment was made (before I said anything to him about it)...
The guy's a tool. "If only I met you first…" Horsepucky. If he really liked you, he would ask you out. All that nonsense sounds like he is just trying to get some sympathy and treat you like a consolation prize with the bonus of possibly having your friend get jealous that he's directing his affections elsewhere. Delete the whole interaction and forget about it.0 -
I did have one guy friend long ago who started acting interested once I lost quite a bit of weight. We had been friends (sort of - more like friends of friends).
Anyway, no, it doesn't impress me to suddenly find me attractive when, not long go, you wouldn't give me the time of day.
I lost weight - I didn't lose my memory.
In this particular case of yours, I'd say just blow him off. He didn't get what he wanted and he sees you as just something to do because he couldn't get what it was he wanted.
And yes, like the previous poster I'm quite a bit older and wiser now and don't put up with BS these days.0 -
I did have one guy friend long ago who started acting interested once I lost quite a bit of weight. We had been friends (sort of - more like friends of friends).
Anyway, no, it doesn't impress me to suddenly find me attractive when, not long go, you wouldn't give me the time of day.
I lost weight - I didn't lose my memory.
In this particular case of yours, I'd say just blow him off. He didn't get what he wanted and he sees you as just something to do because he couldn't get what it was he wanted.
And yes, like the previous poster I'm quite a bit older and wiser now and don't put up with BS these days.
emdeesea, Pretty much what I was thinking - I didn't lose my memory, I just lost weight.
kgeyser, that's pretty much what was going through my mind, I just didn't know if it was me just being a brat (in lame terms), or if I was completely justified. I know I was now that that seems to be the general response.0 -
Neither you nor your friend have any interest in this guy. And it looks like he is a mere acquaintance to you. So I found the elaborate lecture quite unnecessary. Instead, a simple, more direct reply would have sufficed: "Look, I appreciate the compliment, but let's not cross the line here. Thanks!" -- Done.
The whole thing about how (not) to compliment a girl who has been working out... Yeesh. Too much.
But then I'm just a guy. :-)0 -
Neither you nor your friend have any interest in this guy. And it looks like he is a mere acquaintance to you. So I found the elaborate lecture quite unnecessary. Instead, a simple, more direct reply would have sufficed: "Look, I appreciate the compliment, but let's not cross the line here. Thanks!" -- Done.
The whole thing about how (not) to compliment a girl who has been working out... Yeesh. Too much.
But then I'm just a guy. :-)
I agree . I don't think the guy was being an *kitten* just not very sensitive. No need to kick him out of your life over it.0 -
Neither you nor your friend have any interest in this guy. And it looks like he is a mere acquaintance to you. So I found the elaborate lecture quite unnecessary. Instead, a simple, more direct reply would have sufficed: "Look, I appreciate the compliment, but let's not cross the line here. Thanks!" -- Done.
The whole thing about how (not) to compliment a girl who has been working out... Yeesh. Too much.
But then I'm just a guy. :-)
I agree . I don't think the guy was being an *kitten* just not very sensitive. No need to kick him out of your life over it.
Wasn't kicking him out of my life, just thought the situation was.. different. As for lecture, I didn't think it was but I can see where it can come off like that.
Thanks for all the input, everyone 0 -
Neither you nor your friend have any interest in this guy. And it looks like he is a mere acquaintance to you. So I found the elaborate lecture quite unnecessary. Instead, a simple, more direct reply would have sufficed: "Look, I appreciate the compliment, but let's not cross the line here. Thanks!" -- Done.
The whole thing about how (not) to compliment a girl who has been working out... Yeesh. Too much.
But then I'm just a guy. :-)
I think it's simple to compliment somebody without making it creepy. A nice, sincere "You look great!" or "It shows how hard you're working." is fine for most people (there will be some who are ultra picky, but from my experience, that's not often) but the whole "If I had known you first" bs was a red flag. It kind of makes me think that he was trying to replace her close friend since the friend already moved on. Not the best way to handle it, IMO.
OP, I think you handled it well. You addressed the issue when it first came up and when he didn't stop, you had to try something different. I've been there and I totally understand that.0 -
Not gonna lie...TLDR...Someone kik me the summary.0
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Not gonna lie...TLDR...Someone kik me the summary.
I'll kik you a picture of my boobs. Close enough.0 -
Out of curiosity, if he hadn't been trying to get with your close friend and instead had approached you first, would you have been more receptive to it?0
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too confusing, don't care0
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This is freshman year all over again.
ETA: of HIGH SCHOOL.0 -
It wouldn't have bothered me at all and I would have appreciated that he'd (someone lol) noticed I was changing.
I would not have started a thread on mfp about it.0 -
Is there a cliff notes available yet?0
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I agree with this. He was probably hoping that you would mention it to your girlfriend to get a response from her now that she has moved on. He was hoping that your commenting to her would make her jealous and would get her back since his attention was to another one of her friends. I simply would have unfriended him and not mention it to anyone. I am older, but in my former job (working in a high school) I had to deal with girls getting upset and acting (usually violently) on the remarks that were made.I would have pressed the "delete" button after the initial message and moved on with my life. I also would not have said anything to my friend, because if she is not interested in the guy (and she clearly is not), there is no need to give her the details of our conversations. That sort of thing just buys into whatever stupid little game he's trying to play. But I'm an old married broad and I have no patience for **** like this.
Good luck to you and congrats on your weight loss.0 -
Not gonna lie...TLDR...Someone kik me the summary.
TL;DR: Some bro who has been chasing her close girl friend for ages began complimenting OP on her recent progress in a manner that suggested romantic interest, while asking her to keep his compliments from her friend.
I hope I am not piling up on OP (I expressed some mild disapproval her response earlier), I just think it's a lot of weird drama (including starting this thread) for an interaction with an acquaintance that you have no interest in.0 -
Is there some sort of twist where the OP comes back and says, "oh yeah, by the way, he was banging my sister and that's why I said no." Because that never happens here. Evah.Not gonna lie...TLDR...Someone kik me the summary.
TL;DR: Some bro who has been chasing her close girl friend for ages began complimenting OP on her recent progress in a manner that suggested romantic interest, while asking her to keep his compliments from her friend.
I hope I am not piling up on OP (I expressed some mild disapproval her response earlier), I just think it's a lot of weird drama (including starting this thread) for an interaction with an acquaintance that you have no interest in.0 -
sounds like a lot of drama over a complment. And he didn't want you to tell your friend cause he still wants that also, not that he cares about anyone knowing he complimented you.0
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The only thing I want to add is that you should never apologize for anything you want to say. Women are too worried about sounding b*itchy. Who cares. It's better to say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no reason to add any type of caveat to something you mean 100%. This goes for personal as well as professional.0
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I'd just block him and be done with it. Way too much drama here.0
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I'd just block him and be done with it. Way too much drama here.
yes, she is creating quite a bit of drama0 -
Cliffs pls0 -
Cliffs pls
dude likes her friend but couldn't close, figured he would give it a go with her but didn't want her friend to find out as to ruin that possible opportunity so he asked that she not tell said friend that he was complimenting her and trying to hook up with her. She is upset because she thinks said dude just doesn't want anyone to know he is trying with her because she has recently lost weight.0 -
Any dude who says "super cute" is a no go for me.0
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