Need Advice! Coworker Scenario
PearlAng
Posts: 681 Member
Well I work at a bakery and also a deli. I have a coworker at the deli and she's a pretty good friend of mine. However, she's always so caught up in what's "good". I know many things about nutrition and exercise, so I don't mind when she comes to me with questions. The problem is, sometimes she looks to me for the approval of food. She'll also ask "do my thighs look bigger? Ive already eaten out 3 times this week!" I do not like to be put in this position. I've blatantly told her, it is not my place to say and that whatever weight you feel healthiest and able to function at is a healthy weight. Being a recovering anorexic, I try to offer her pearls of positivity so she doesn't end up where I am. But its almost a little triggering. She is not the tiniest girl in the world, perhaps she could lose a few pounds (and I've never told her that because I do not want to trigger her). It seems she wants to lose weight, but she goes about it the wrong way. I thinks she is naive. So I try to give her the best, supportive, logical and healthy advice I can, but she just doesn't seem to realize how much she's actually eating (working in a deli, the option of so many foods are constantly there for us to eat, so its really easy to mindlessly eat. Ive been pretty successful in my efforts to stop that, but I don't think she has...)
I will be the first to tell you that I don't care how others eat. If they wanna eat a burger for every meal, its cool. Chocolate for breakfast, that's okay. I eat the foods I love and I try to balance that between 3 meals and some occasional snacks. I don't always eat the healthiest, but its okay, its what works for me and keeps me happy. But my coworker is always asking me what foods are deemed "good" as if I'm some kind of higher health goddess. So I try to answer from a nutritional standpoint, as opposed to fat and calories, which I know is what she is really asking about. I don't say calories. I've told her multiple times that no food is "good " or "bad" and that food is inherently neutral; you eat it, you use it for energy. But she says "yeah, i agree, you're right)" and then goes off on a tangent about the amount of calories in ice cream and how "bad" it is. I really don't think she understands.
So here's the thing: I don't mind trying to help when she asks me for advice, but do YOU think I'm going about it the right way? I don't want to tell her to stop asking...
I will be the first to tell you that I don't care how others eat. If they wanna eat a burger for every meal, its cool. Chocolate for breakfast, that's okay. I eat the foods I love and I try to balance that between 3 meals and some occasional snacks. I don't always eat the healthiest, but its okay, its what works for me and keeps me happy. But my coworker is always asking me what foods are deemed "good" as if I'm some kind of higher health goddess. So I try to answer from a nutritional standpoint, as opposed to fat and calories, which I know is what she is really asking about. I don't say calories. I've told her multiple times that no food is "good " or "bad" and that food is inherently neutral; you eat it, you use it for energy. But she says "yeah, i agree, you're right)" and then goes off on a tangent about the amount of calories in ice cream and how "bad" it is. I really don't think she understands.
So here's the thing: I don't mind trying to help when she asks me for advice, but do YOU think I'm going about it the right way? I don't want to tell her to stop asking...
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Replies
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I would just give her this website with the newbie links and tell her she can track her cals & macros here!0
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that may not be a bad idea! Thanks!I would just give her this website with the newbie links and tell her she can track her cals & macros here!0 -
I think you should be "ready with an answer." If she asks you something, then be completely honest with her, if necessary in a gentle way, . But BE HONEST. There's a reason she's asking you. But just like most people, I wouldn't offer advice unless it is asked for. Understand that you're sensitive to the possibility of someone becoming anorexic, but most people have the opposite problem, which can be just as deadly. Too many people are afraid to "speak the truth in love," and instead they prolong the problem, because they're actually helping someone in trouble to rationalize their choices. So if she asks about food or diet & it's related, tell her that most people are just not aware of how much they are eating unless they keep a food diary & she might want to give it a try.0
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That is a tough situation. She might be trying to get you to validate her choices, rather than trying to learn something new. If that is the case, you have a choice - do it or not. If she is a friend, you might want to consider confronting her with the truth "I have been giving you advise for months/years, and you never take it - why do you keep asking?". If she is really just a co-worker, you might want to start easing out of the situation by responding to her queries with less definitive answers, such as "great question, I am not sure about that. Maybe you should do some research on-line. or... I heard that there is a nutrition class being offered at the local high school, maybe you should look into it for more info". Good luck!0
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The only thing is I think once she has a set number of calories, she's gonna freak and obsess about it, and that could be annoying in the workplace. Oh well, maybe if she signs up we can break her of that. Its okay to go over sometimes0
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aw what a great idea :flowerforyou: thank youI think you should be "ready with an answer." If she asks you something, then be completely honest with her, if necessary in a gentle way, . But BE HONEST. There's a reason she's asking you. But just like most people, I wouldn't offer advice unless it is asked for. Understand that you're sensitive to the possibility of someone becoming anorexic, but most people have the opposite problem, which can be just as deadly. Too many people are afraid to "speak the truth in love," and instead they prolong the problem, because they're actually helping someone in trouble to rationalize their choices. So if she asks about food or diet & it's related, tell her that most people are just not aware of how much they are eating unless they keep a food diary & she might want to give it a try.0 -
thanks!That is a tough situation. She might be trying to get you to validate her choices, rather than trying to learn something new. If that is the case, you have a choice - do it or not. If she is a friend, you might want to consider confronting her with the truth "I have been giving you advise for months/years, and you never take it - why do you keep asking?". If she is really just a co-worker, you might want to start easing out of the situation by responding to her queries with less definitive answers, such as "great question, I am not sure about that. Maybe you should do some research on-line. or... I heard that there is a nutrition class being offered at the local high school, maybe you should look into it for more info". Good luck!0 -
tell her to run for the cookies0
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I feel ya. I have a co-worker who does the exact same thing. I just tell her that I only research what's best for ME, and that if she's needing more answers or explainations than what I can provide, then she needs to talk to her doctor and do research for herself.
What's irritating is she'll ask a 1000 questions, but doesn't follow a bit of the advice.0 -
:laugh: she does! Loltell her to run for the cookies0 -
I feel ya. I have a co-worker who does the exact same thing. I just tell her that I only research what's best for ME, and that if she's needing more answers or explainations than what I can provide, then she needs to talk to her doctor and do research for herself.
What's irritating is she'll ask a 1000 questions, but doesn't follow a bit of the advice.
perhaps we work in the same place? Lol my coworker acts like she'll make an effort to follow the advice. I think maybe they don't like to hear how to do it because they don't feel like doing it that way or they don't think they can 0 -
I would just give her this website with the newbie links and tell her she can track her cals & macros here!
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Also, I have no idea if this would be something you feel comfortable doing...or if she would even "get it" as she sounds a bit daft...but maybe tell her about your recovery and how you would rather not discuss these topics at length daily.
I used to work with a woman who was recovering from an ED and everyone at work constantly asked her diet advice and complimented her on being super thin, and sometimes did what I would consider "skinny shaming"...it was awful. Finally I sent out an email to the worst offenders and let them know a bit about her past (ED, hospitalization, recovery, etc) and the problem stopped. Granted, it was NOT my place to step in but the woman was a friend and she was a brand new employee who felt awkward telling them but was seriously about to quit the job because of the barrage of questions & comments daily.
Good luck!0 -
i can understand about that. many of them don't come to me for that kind of advice. but when they do, i just tell them what works for me. if they blame me for the candy bucket on my desk, i say "i am not holding a gun to your head to eat it.". i know you have been blantant with this person, but maybe you just need to tell her to go seek a professional since she keeps ?ng you. I would tell her i am not giving her any more advice or information if she isn't going to accept it.0
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Lots of people ask me these questions now that I have lost some weight but then if they dont like the answer they get argumentative. Its human nature. I would smile, direct her to the web site, say, "Here is what works for me. I cant say if it would work for you or not, but you could try it." And leave it at that. Most people respond a lot better to "this works for me" than to "this is what you should do". I wasnt able to try this and make it work until I was ready. It took my daughter seven months to finally convince me. And she did it by just lettiing me see how it worked for her.0
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thanks! I have explained the ED to her, she was one of the people who saw me at my lowest weight last year. I tell her how awful and miserable ED's are. I do let her know if something is a little triggering, and usually she understandsI would just give her this website with the newbie links and tell her she can track her cals & macros here!
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Also, I have no idea if this would be something you feel comfortable doing...or if she would even "get it" as she sounds a bit daft...but maybe tell her about your recovery and how you would rather not discuss these topics at length daily.
I used to work with a woman who was recovering from an ED and everyone at work constantly asked her diet advice and complimented her on being super thin, and sometimes did what I would consider "skinny shaming"...it was awful. Finally I sent out an email to the worst offenders and let them know a bit about her past (ED, hospitalization, recovery, etc) and the problem stopped. Granted, it was NOT my place to step in but the woman was a friend and she was a brand new employee who felt awkward telling them but was seriously about to quit the job because of the barrage of questions & comments daily.
Good luck!0 -
But BE HONEST. There's a reason she's asking you. But just like most people, I wouldn't offer advice unless it is asked for. Understand that you're sensitive to the possibility of someone becoming anorexic, but most people have the opposite problem, which can be just as deadly. Too many people are afraid to "speak the truth in love," and instead they prolong the problem, because they're actually helping someone in trouble to rationalize their choices. So if she asks about food or diet & it's related, tell her that most people are just not aware of how much they are eating unless they keep a food diary & she might want to give it a try.
this all sounds spot on.
There is a point where you can't cage your words because you are afraid it MIGHT cause her to do something. You can't really control what she chooses to do. Being earnest is better than just continuing to side step the issue. Would definitely only discuss it if she brings it up though.0 -
Yeah, usually I let her bring that stuff up. But I think it comes up because of me. Ill be there eating an orange with half a sandwich of a bit of Swiss cheese and as many veggies as I can cram into it with some honey mustard. I think she sees that as "good", but I'm not eating it because its "good food", I eat ut because its what I like. It doesn't mean I cant eat French fries, which seemed to really surprise her when I told her that I love fries.But BE HONEST. There's a reason she's asking you. But just like most people, I wouldn't offer advice unless it is asked for. Understand that you're sensitive to the possibility of someone becoming anorexic, but most people have the opposite problem, which can be just as deadly. Too many people are afraid to "speak the truth in love," and instead they prolong the problem, because they're actually helping someone in trouble to rationalize their choices. So if she asks about food or diet & it's related, tell her that most people are just not aware of how much they are eating unless they keep a food diary & she might want to give it a try.
this all sounds spot on.
There is a point where you can't cage your words because you are afraid it MIGHT cause her to do something. You can't really control what she chooses to do. Being earnest is better than just continuing to side step the issue. Would definitely only discuss it if she brings it up though.
She sees what I eat and then she questions.0 -
ugh. I feel your pain. At 45, I'm the youngest in my family to be diagnosed T2D, apparently it runs so strongly throughout the elder folks in my family that they never talked about it & just ignored the condition until I was diagnosed.
Now, I'm the diabetes police
They're constantly 'telling' on each other to me (frankly I don't care, it's hard & everyone deals with it differently). Constantly seeking my approval on recipes, foods etc. At first I was fine with it, now after telling them the same thing over and over again ad nauseum, I don't participate.
Auntie: Is this ok for me to eat?...my BG this morning was 88 but I ate a ton of carbs before bed, so that's good right?...right?
Me: I don't know, did you check your sugar 1-2 hrs after you ate all those carbs?
Auntie: no...but it's still ok right?...my BG was 88 this morning, I always test in the morning.
Me: I don't know auntie, how do you feel? :blushing:
I like to turn it around and pass the ball back to them :smokin:0 -
But she says "yeah, i agree, you're right)" and then goes off on a tangent about the amount of calories in ice cream and how "bad" it is. I really don't think she understands.
I hope you'll take this in the spirit it's intended... but, I think you're screwed. Directing her to MFP is probably the best idea... after this thread has died out, so she doesn't stumble across it the first time she opens the forums, and sees your smiling face at the top, talking about her....
But, other than that.... you said it yourself.... I really don't think she understands. ..... You are trying to explain the simple logic that took many of us a LONG time to understand, even after reading it day after day after day, here, in post after post, after post..... but she sees you as the 'health guru....' and still believes there's some 'magic solution...' and you hold the key.
Until people are ready to truly listen, they will hear only what they want to hear. Most likely when you say to her.... ' Ice cream is not bad.... ' She hears .... ' Blah Blah Blah.... Ice Cream.... Bad..... '
Just like the argumentative posters at MFP.... who can be told over 20 pages of posts, by 100's of different, experienced, successful, 'dieters,' who know their *kitten*..... the OP, simply WANTS and actually demands the answer they are looking for, that is, to be 'validated....' and refuses to hear the facts, or the truth.
Your friend is stuck somewhere between her view of herself, and reality.... and she's asking you to smack her in the face with reality, but what she really wants is for you to keep validating her twisted view of herself. So, you're screwed either way.
But, I do agree, if you could get her on MFP.... she might become one of those people who eventually, 'get it....'
Good luck.
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thank you very much! Everyone has been very helpful :flowerforyou:But she says "yeah, i agree, you're right)" and then goes off on a tangent about the amount of calories in ice cream and how "bad" it is. I really don't think she understands.
I hope you'll take this in the spirit it's intended... but, I think you're screwed. Directing her to MFP is probably the best idea... after this thread has died out, so she doesn't stumble across it the first time she opens the forums, and sees your smiling face at the top, talking about her....
But, other than that.... you said it yourself.... I really don't think she understands. ..... You are trying to explain the simple logic that took many of us a LONG time to understand, even after reading it day after day after day, here, in post after post, after post..... but she sees you as the 'health guru....' and still believes there's some 'magic solution...' and you hold the key.
Until people are ready to truly listen, they will hear only what they want to hear. Most likely when you say to her.... ' Ice cream is not bad.... ' She hears .... ' Blah Blah Blah.... Ice Cream.... Bad..... '
Just like the argumentative posters at MFP.... who can be told over 20 pages of posts, by 100's of different, experienced, successful, 'dieters,' who know their *kitten*..... the OP, simply WANTS and actually demands the answer they are looking for, that is, to be 'validated....' and refuses to hear the facts, or the truth.
Your friend is stuck somewhere between her view of herself, and reality.... and she's asking you to smack her in the face with reality, but what she really wants is for you to keep validating her twisted view of herself. So, you're screwed either way.
But, I do agree, if you could get her on MFP.... she might become one of those people who eventually, 'get it....'
Good luck.0
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