Dealing with other people...

huv123
huv123 Posts: 54 Member
in Getting Started
I had a problem today. I planned all my meals and would have been under my calorie goal, until I went to my brothers and he asked me to stay for dinner. Before I left the house I kept telling him that I had food in the oven and would be eating at home (to get out of eating there) but he kept on insisting that I eat dinner with his family. When I sat down to eat, I tried to fill myself on salad (which was mainly lettuce, and some oil - which I only found out later) and steamed vegetables. I started off having a little bit of pasta but of course I can't help myself and ended up eating more than I planned and going over my calories. I know it's nothing to freak out about, by I had waking up the next morning and see no movement, or higher weight than the day before. When I stick to the plan I reliably lose weight every day or two.

I don't want to tell anyone that I am trying to lose weight. Number 1 they will see it themselves soon enough, no. 2 it's none of their business and no. 3, after the way that I saw people act when my mother lost weight through gastric surgery, I would never want to go through that.

I am prepared to stop eating out socially while I try and sort out my eating patterns. I know that despite losing almost 30 pounds, I am not yet at the point that I can control my eating habits without planning ahead of time. I feel like it is only a short-term sacrifice for long term success. What is a polite way to say thank-you but no thank-you, or at least if I have to eat out, turn down dishes that I don't think will be good for me, without bringing attention to my eating habits?

Replies

  • notdieting
    notdieting Posts: 116 Member
    I understand why you may feel you don't want to tell anybody about your new choice of lifestyle (not diet!!!) but if you don't, you will continue to face these situations and feel you have no way out but to overeat so.....

    you need to either be much stronger and control your portion sizes without the 'of course I couldn't resist' line or, and IMO a better choice, have the courage of your convictions....tell the world you are going to live a better, healthier lifestyle. Point out that you're not on a silly fad diet, not starving yourself, not living on lettuce leaves but are making sensible choices of what you eat and how much you eat.

    If you can show them that you are still enjoying some of the 'naughties' but just feel that some foods (like pasta) are too high in calories to warrant their inclusion, they will hopefully click. I had the same thing for a while...'you can't just cut pasta out of your diet, you can't just never eat pie again' etc....and my answer was 'actually, yes I can!' For me, personally, those two foods are just not worth their calorie count but oh my goodness, I still eat cheese and mayo and steak and pizza and chilli and mash and roasties and all the other delectable foods that I do feel are worth it.

    I have eaten pasta once in nine months and though I loved every mouthful, it left me feeling bloated and over-fed and I cringed at the calories. I won't be doing it again, regardless. My life, my choice and I'm happy to use overt emotional blackmail when necessary, to prove the point......'I am 6 (now 3!!) stones overweight. That is putting all sorts of pressure on my organs and making me desperately miserable. If you love me, you will support me. If you can't support me, I will not visit. Don't help me to kill myself. Help me to be better than what I have become.'

    Thankfully, my family have been right there, every step of the way, once they realised I wasn't on ANOTHER silly, fad diet.
  • Dragn77
    Dragn77 Posts: 810 Member
    Totally agree with letting your family know and to express it that you are trying to eat healthier (not diet is right!) Also, the self control part of limiting how much you eat is totally on you...but in a good way. Situations like this are an excellent way to show *yourself* (not your fam or anyone else) that you can still enjoy spending time with the fam, dinner with the fam and friends, without ruining your goals.

    Your experience sounds really uncomfortable, and Im so sure you were thinking more about what you were eating and worrying than just enjoying the moment....so I think that situations like this are a great exercise in self control and being able to enjoy social time with the fam that include food. It will be awful lonely / restrictive and unfair to you if you resign yourself to it that you will have to eat alone at home from now on as part of your lifestyle choice.
  • MagicalLeopleurodon
    MagicalLeopleurodon Posts: 623 Member
    Im interested in seeing my inlaws reaction when i show up to their bbq with my tupperware labeled "meal 4, 5, 6"

    Truthfully- my family quit asking. If i dont get a plate, im not eating with them. It was hell at first, but i snapped one day and said, "You didnt give two $#! Ts when i had an eating disorder, but now im turning down cake and ypu interrogate me?" Smooth sailing ever sense.

    Except with my dad-whos standard response is "since when?" When i tell him i dont eat xyz.
  • SerenaKitty
    SerenaKitty Posts: 142
    Either be up front about getting healthy or learn to say no! I think that both options are difficult in their own way. If your family is all about food and kind of pushy when it comes to eating, you will probably need to tell them.

    Good luck!
  • Saramelie
    Saramelie Posts: 308 Member
    It`s hard to plan never eating out or at friends.... So in case it still happens from time to time....
    Do you know about calories cycling? Could be helpful for you. Example; if your daily allotment is 1800 cal, then you do 1800x7 and spread this number (12600 cal) however you want during the week. So if one day an unexpected meal happens, like the one at your brother, you just ajust for it on the other days. I use this so I can eat more on special occasions.
  • Loves418
    Loves418 Posts: 330 Member
    Why not be honest? Just straight up say. I am changing the way I eat and take care of myself. Either stand by me and support me or get out of my way!!
    Honest and to the point...you will feel good I promise you..:flowerforyou:
  • TR0berts
    TR0berts Posts: 7,739 Member
    It`s hard to plan never eating out or at friends.... So in case it still happens from time to time....
    Do you know about calories cycling? Could be helpful for you. Example; if your daily allotment is 1800 cal, then you do 1800x7 and spread this number (12600 cal) however you want during the week. So if one day an unexpected meal happens, like the one at your brother, you just ajust for it on the other days. I use this so I can eat more on special occasions.


    Yep, pretty much this. As an add-on to the above post, let me break something down for you.

    A lb of fat equates to approximately 3500 Calories. To lose 1 lb of fat in one week, we need a 500 Calorie per day deficit (7 x 500 = 3500).

    If you eat @ that 500 Calorie deficit for 6 days, you are at a weekly deficit of 3000 Calories.

    If you "cheat" and end up eating maintenance Calories (no deficit, but not @ surplus) for one day, you keep that 3000 Calorie weekly deficit. This means you can expect to lose 0.86 lbs that week.

    If you "cheat" and end up eating a 500 Calorie surplus for one day, you now have a 2500 Calorie weekly deficit. This means you can expect to lose 0.71 lbs that week.

    In both cases, you'll likely lose more than 1/2 lb of fat that week. Not bad, right? Maybe not as much as you hoped, but it's progress in the right direction. And that’s what’s really important.


    So... Yeah - you don't want to eat over your Calorie goal too much. But once in a while? You'll be fine.
  • djxil
    djxil Posts: 357
    I agree with a lot of what other people have said.

    Your three reasons are valid b/c it's your life, I get that.

    Be careful about changing too much, being on an island alone, can be tough, you need support from time to time.
  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
    So... Yeah - you don't want to eat over your Calorie goal too much. But once in a while? You'll be fine.

    ^ This. I figure that on days when I eat out or at a friend's house, I will go over my calorie goal. Sometimes I will even go over maintenance (I'm still losing). But I make it up on days when I eat under my calorie goal, and even if I don't, I'm still eating under my maintenance level every week.

    Except for the week from Christmas to New Year's. I allow myself to gain a little then. It will come off in January!
  • Saramelie
    Saramelie Posts: 308 Member
    Actually, how I use it is different than the post above. I do 1800x7 = 12600 and then some days I eat 1400 cal so that I can have 2200 on other days, so at the end it still equals 1800 cal/day. Still lose weight.
  • EmSainz
    EmSainz Posts: 22
    You sound over weight, and the more over weight you are the quicker you're going to lose weight. But it does slow down. Just becase you lose as you said "daily" don't get caught up in that.

    In terms of your brother, it's life... people eat together sometimes you know? You can't run and hide from it. The key is to learn how to manage yourself in social situations.
  • alisonlynn1976
    alisonlynn1976 Posts: 929 Member
    I eat what people serve at social events, I just limit portion size if it's something with a lot of calories. It's possible to do this without developing weird obsessiveness about food.
  • mamamia7712
    mamamia7712 Posts: 4 Member
    Here are some strategies:

    -Focus on the people you are with, the conversation, versus the food.
    -Play with the kids, the pets, get the family out for a walk
    -When you suspect there may be a meal involved, bring something with you
    -Have warm broth before you go
    -Fill up on water
    -Call your brother, tell him you are adopting a healthier lifestyle and ask if there will be a meal and can you bring something healthy for everyone to share.
  • GothyFaery
    GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
    Telling people you are trying to watch what you eat would be the most effective way IMO but if you're not ready to do that, you could just say you haven't been feeling well lately and you are trying to avoid a lot of heavy food on your stomach. Most people don't want details for a stomach bug, it's not pleasant dinner conversation.
  • JourneyingJessica
    JourneyingJessica Posts: 261 Member
    It`s hard to plan never eating out or at friends.... So in case it still happens from time to time....
    Do you know about calories cycling? Could be helpful for you. Example; if your daily allotment is 1800 cal, then you do 1800x7 and spread this number (12600 cal) however you want during the week. So if one day an unexpected meal happens, like the one at your brother, you just ajust for it on the other days. I use this so I can eat more on special occasions.

    This is what I do. I know its hard but Im strict when i can be and on days i can't be as strict *meh* . i promise, long term one or two days won't matter. Just start back up right tomorrow. Plus now you have yummy left overs for the week!!!!

    I had the pleasure of being allowed to do christmas with people who have no family this year ~ one way to look at it is - you have a family that loves you and wanted to spend time with you. Don't deny yourself that because you're worried about food. As long as you're under your maintenance you're good!
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
    I don't mean to sound snarky or judge you, but you don't have a problem with other people, you have a problem dealing with your own resolve.

    There are two ways that I would handle your situation:

    1. If I truly did not want to use my calories to eat at my brother's house, I would say "no thank you" and mean it. When they began to prepare dinner, I would graciously excuse myself and go home and eat what I had planned.

    2. If I knew that I would cave and eat at my brother's house, because that's what I usually do or enjoy doing, I would plan for it in my calories by eating less throughout the day and then adjusting portion sizes during the meal that I was served, and choosing the healthiest options possible.

    You have the power to make choices that bring you closer to your goals, or push you further away from them. Choose what works best for you and then follow your plan. You don't need to explain your choices to anyone. If you don't want to eat something, say "no" firmly and politely and follow through. Don't let people badger you into making bad choices. If you don't want to stay for dinner, go home. It really is that easy.
  • huv123
    huv123 Posts: 54 Member
    I guess what annoys me is what I know about my body is that one big meal is enough to set it back a few days even if I was perfect and on a "low" calorie day all the days leading up to it. I'm a daily weigher and can pretty much see steady weight loss everyday (of even a 1/4 of a pound) but if I go over one day it can take me couple of days to get back to my low weight that I had before eating out, to start losing again.

    In terms of other people, I have lost 30 pounds and it's starting to show, so there is nothing I can do about people remarking on my body, but I have struggled with being overweight the last 7-10 years, and it feels intensely personal to me - especially with my brother, who will use my weight as the first put-down in an argument (as people often will)...When my mother lost weight as a result of a lapbad, people were such jerks. Watching what she was eating, constantly remarking on how little or much was on her plate, overdoing the praise in a passive-aggressive way (many years, and many times after seeing that person) - it was extremely stressful to experience (and it wasn't even about me).

    I know that eating out is just part of life, but in the jewish culture (and many others), eating large meals can be seen as central to it. I will be exposed to multiple course meals that lasts several hours no less than twice a week. I guess I just have to be firmer about the brush off in terms of saying no to what I will and wont eat. I think I am a bit too timid in when I refuse dessert (which I really don't want or need), or other foods.

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