My bf has been gaining a lot of weight, help!

Jmeisalive · December 2013

Okay. This is a touchy subject. I do not want to offend anyone, but I really-really, Really need some help.

My boyfriend is a great guy. I love him to pieces. Unfortunately he has gained quite a bit of weight since we started dating. We haven't been together that long, about six months. He wasn't exactly fit when we got together, but I found him attractive. Up until recently he had been working with a personal trainer 5x a week. (he no longer does) He has been struggling with his weight for quite some time now. I am beginning to grow concerned about his habits as of late. He no longer works out, and consistently over eats. A lot. If we go out to eat, he orders appetizers (plural), a large main course, sides, dessert, and usually eats half of my food as well. (I have actually left multiple restaurant hungry against my will because he ate so much of my food…but I could't speak up for some reason)
God knows I have some eating issues, (not quite the same as his- but issues none the less) and I have to work Hard to maintain a healthy body weight. The holidays are stressful for many people, myself included. I feel so bad for even posting this…but I really feel lost.
Now to sound even more insane: His overeating and constant talk of dieting has been putting me in a bad place. I have been struggling, and I find myself over logging, obsessing, restricting, and over exercising. I weighed around 120-123 two weeks ago. I weighed myself yesterday, and I have lost quite a bit of weight. Quite a bit. I cannot blame my behavior on him, or anyone else. It is so hard not to think about food and calories though, especially when he constantly brings it up. I have tried saying nothing, being supportive. I have not said anything negative…but I am starting to feel a lot of resentment.
I have worked ****ing had to not allow food to take up valuable real-estate in my day to day thoughts. I actually threw my scale in the dumpster, panicked- and ended up running to the 24 CVS in later that night to buy another. I look like ****. I feel like ****. I am angry and sad. I find myself making excuses to (sorry) avoid sleeping with him.
If anyone has successfully dealt with a similar situation, I'd be really grateful for some advice.

Thanks for reading this.

mccindy72 · December 2013

One of the toughest things in any relationship is honest communication. Because you love this man, you find it difficult to say something to him that you know will probably hurt his feelings and cause difficulty between you. But that hard thing to do is probably just what you need to do, for your well-being and for the sake of your relationship. When couples don't talk about issues that are bothering them, they grow out of proportion and blow up, sometimes causing the end of the relationship.
Sit down and have an honest conversation with your boyfriend, telling him your concerns and feelings. Don't make it sound accusatory, or he'll defensive. Start out making it about you. "I want to talk about some stuff I've been going through lately". Then tell him what you've been doing with your eating, exercising and obsession with your weight. After he's opened up to the conversation, bring up some of the behaviors you've noticed. Perhaps there's some stress going on in his life that he hasn't shared with you yet, and it's bothering him enough that he's emotionally eating.
The most important things in any relationship are honesty and communication. They are the building blocks of trust - and that is the ultimate key.

sassyjae21 · December 2013

That is tough. I agree with the above posters. You really need to talk to him. It's going to be difficult, and chances are, he's going to get offended. But there's really no other way around it. If you really love him, you need to let him know how you feel. Otherwise, it's just going to get worse and you're going to stay unhappy and end up resenting him.

Plus, you're not doing him any favors by letting him think everything is ok, when you are really unhappy. Talk to him!!

GradatimFerociter · December 2013

I agree with the above.

My last relationship broke down after having been together for several years because of how badly I had let myself go (and not just physically). I am certain that if he is worth being with he will want to know how you are feeling because it should be important to him. Maybe it will work out and maybe it won't but either way letting your concerns eat away at you while he eats away at your food absent permission will never help the relationship move forward. People have different expectations from relationships and it may be that the disparity between yours and his is too large but you have to be frank and honest with him to find out.

Mrsallypants · December 2013

You're losing weight because he is eating all the food on your plate. Insatiable horse appetite leads to even-toed ungulatitis and stopped up toilets.

Just tell him, "Just because I call you stud doesn't mean you have to eat like one."

Jestinia · December 2013

You're losing weight because he is eating all the food on your plate. Insatiable horse appetite leads to even-toed ungulatitis.

Just tell him, "Just because I call you stud doesn't mean you have to eat like one."

:laugh:

Just tell him he's driving you crazy and if he can't chill out you'll still be happy to spend time with him, but never at a table (or at any other time he's indulging) and you love him however he is but you never want to hear him say another word about food and fitness in your presence because it's triggering bad behavior in you.

I know couples who are opposites on the political spectrum and still get along (bless them, I don't see how!) so if they can do it, you and he can manage the food issue.

ElliottTN · December 2013

Well, lucky you its New Years and time to set some resolutions. You've got a full day to manipulate the changes you want out of him going forward this next year. Then you get to be a hard *kitten* about keeping him to the resolutions you planted in his brain. I know how you female types work, don't deny it.

If that doesn't work then you've got to tell him. I wish someone had come forward and told me sooner that I had become a blob.

If all else fails then I'd hate to say this but its actually a pretty short relationship so far and might be time to look for other options. If this annoys you right now, its only going to get worse and worse until it comes to a head and ain't nobody got time for that.

ninerbuff · December 2013

I'm sure that voicing your concerns will get a response out of him, but in reality his eating and weight gaining issues are something he has to want to fix on his own. He has to make the commitment to it or it's not gonna last.
I've had several girlfriends in the past tell me "you work out all the time and don't really need to". And those relationships didn't last long because I wasn't going to compromise staying fit. I'm now with the person I need to be with (for 19 years now) and she's supported it since we've met.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

michellekicks · December 2013

Is it possible you met him at a time when he was in the throes of a fitness-resolution-keeping-a-thon? And then you met and he spent all his money and couldn't stick to the plan he'd set? Maybe all the things he was doing to be as fit as he was in the beginning weren't sustainable. Maybe he would like to figure out a nice balance while enjoying his new relationship with you...

Talk to him.

Grumbers · December 2013

It's a tough one.

I think it's too often the case (since the beginning of time) that people settle in a relationship and let themselves go.

I think after only 6 months, you're still well within your rights to be setting boundaries and expectations with each other.
Sounds like he feels he's got the whole deal wrapped up a little early.

As said above, you need to talk to him, not criticize him personally, but tell him what YOU need from him to allow your happiness. I'm sure you know the difference between what you need and just being demanding for controls sake.

Unfortunately if he can't offer the support you need when you really need it, it may not be right full stop.

Chin up!

BusyRaeNOTBusty · December 2013

Yeah, talk to him. Tell him you are concerned about him. I also think it's okay to let on that his eating habits have triggered some issues in you. Ask him to help you and himself, ask him to work together on it. You know it's not really his fault that you are having issues but if he loves you he'll want to help weather it's fault or not. It's okay to ask your partner for help, necessary even. That's one of purposes of being in a relationship, to support each other.

rexroars · December 2013

Definitely talk to him. My boyfriend brought up this discussion after he had gained weight and then lost it again, because it wasn't until he lost weight (which wasn't even that much) that he really realized he had gained.

What we realize about each other is that if either of us gain a ton of weight - it's going to because there is a bigger issue than the weight. For one of us to change our habits drastically, it's probably because of depression or something similar, which is the real issue that needs to be addressed.

I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't want to be gaining all of that weight, and there's a good chance there is an underlying issue for it. Maybe stress you know about, or stress he hasn't wanted to overwhelm you with that you don't even know about yet. Just be honest and say that you're worried for him and for your relationship. Openness is always best. The thing that will make him most offended is if YOU seem bitter or resentful, or sarcastic or mocking. Those things are more likely to happen the longer you wait to talk about it.

Good luck! It will be tough - all people are inherently prideful - but it will be worth it.

servilia · December 2013

You haven't invested too much time. Life is short. If you're already avoiding sleeping with him, move on.

afat12 · December 2013

I was in a relationship similar to yours. It just didn't last. :brokenheart: I really think it's about lifestyle and having someone who enjoys a similar lifestyle as your own makes a relationship that much easier.

I dunno I could be wrong I am still single :indifferent: but just my 2 cents.

I wish you luck whatever you do, OP!

littleburgy · December 2013

Obviously he is going to have to sort out his fitness and lifestyle on his own will, but it's food for thought that he is overeating while you are restricting at the same time, that is obviously saying something. It sounds like you both have triggers that make you respond (albeit in different ways, him overeating, you the opposite.) Hopefully you can both find a healthy balance in your fitness AND relationship if you both want it.

To be honest, there's no shame in feeling the way you do or discussing it with him. Certainly given that you aren't married and you've been dating for a while, I see no real harm in bringing it up (in fact, if you're feeling resentful about being out-eaten on your date nights, it should be brought up!) Good luck to you both.

ndj1979 · December 2013

sorry OP but you cannot change anyone and make them fit into your mold…

If his eating habits disgust you and he won't work out and you are avoiding sleeping with him..then you are just going to have to leave him …

sorry to be blunt, but that is just the way I am …the truth hurts sometimes..

good luck to you ...

pastrychefoz · January 2014

My thoughts on this as a guy who is now losing weight ...

I had a Neighbour I hadn't seen for a while and a ex work colleague comment that I had put on weight, at first I kind of denied it to myself but after having a good look they were right not tactful (different cultural backgrounds than myself) but they were right I used this as my motivation along with increasing my fitness and health to give me a kick up the bum and to keep me on track when I feel like skipping gym or not logging.

Of course being in a relationship with someone on some ways can be more harder because the person will be feeling judged by someone they care about but hopefully ( this bring the clincher ) you will be there to support your bf encourage him when he is down and to share in those triumphs of achieving the goals he sets and achieves .

Yes it will be a difficult chat but knowing he has someone to hold him accountable and support him might give him that kick in the bum he needs. If you can get thru this your relationship will be stronger because instead of running away you would be able to build trust , communication skills and accomplish a life changing goal together.

This of course depends on the fact that the bf can recognize there is a problem if he can't and he is in denial then there is little you can do but walk away and know that you tried your best.

Jmeisalive · January 2014

Thanks everyone!

mperrott2205 · May 2014

TavistockToad · May 2014

(I have actually left multiple restaurant hungry against my will because he ate so much of my food…but I could't speak up for some reason)

I stopped reading at this part... seriously wtf!?

sherambler · May 2014

You definitely need to talk to him. I've had many touchy-topic conversations with my boyfriend and I find it's best to bring it up out of the moment, not while he's overeating because I think he'll just get defensive. For the longest time I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend. He didn't even try to take care of himself. He wouldn't shower when he came home from work, his breath always smelled, he'd gained weight. I guess it bothered me so much because it made me feel worse about myself. Why was I dating this smelly person I didn't want to sleep with? Was this the best I could do? But I knew I couldn't throw in the towel without talking to him about it. It felt wrong to put him on the spot for something I would never want someone to talke to me about, but it's my life and I deserve to be happy and I deserve to know if this person is going to fit in the picture in the longterm. I also realized that I would want someone to tell me if I smelled, had gained a lot of weight, or if the person was finding me unattractive. I mulled this over with my therapist and she said I had to talk to him. And it was the hardest conversation I've ever had with a person.

My advice? Don't use accusatory or judging statements. In these types of conversations I usually open up communication in a way where my boyfriend has control of the conversation, free to divulge as little or as much as he wants. I just ask short, specific probing questions to get some info. That way I can gain some insight to how he feels and have a better idea of how to broach the meat of the subject and how to let him know how this has affected me.

If it were me, I'd probably more approach it like, "I don't know how to bring this up, so I'm just going to say it. I've noticed you've been gaining some weight and I didn't know if there was something you wanted to talk about or if there was something I can do to help you." You said he was working out with a trainer...do you think he'd be willing to work out with you?

It's true that you can't make someone lose weight if they don't want to, but based on the fact that he previously had a trainer, it shows me that he wants to lose the weight but probably doesn't know how to stick to it. He probably doesn't know how to bring up the subject with you or ask you for help, especially since you're losing weight while he's gaining. Good luck!!

My bf has been gaining a lot of weight, help!

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