wow a bit of encouragment wont kill you :(

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  • KellyBurton1
    KellyBurton1 Posts: 529 Member
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    Since I have lost weight, my marriage improved alot. Because I had more energy, more patience, alot more confidence. He just liked that fact I wasnt depressed anymore and was able to be more involved in everyday life. Maybe with time your husband will see that as well. Men are like babies, they always need attention!
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    He loves you just as you are? What a jerk!

    Am I the only one who thinks the guy might be trying to be supportive? Failing, sure. But trying. Everyone expresses it differently. From what you've written it sounds like he's afraid you're trying to change because of support he hasn't given you- which in a marriage esp is a scary feeling.

    Idk, I've seen people with unsupportive significant others, but that's usually that they get tired of hearing about the diet all the time, or they don't like feeling excluded or that you are outdoing them. This, to me, sounds like misplaced encouragement. Sit down and let the hubby know you appreciate that he loves you for who you are but you need to make some changes for you, and you would really really like his support for it, because it is something that is important to you for health reasons.

    Maybe I'm missing something, but he doesnt sound like he's trying to discourage you- just like he's trying to show he cares.
    I'm seeing it the same way you are...I see a supportive spouse not a jerk here.... I'm a bit lost on the other comments on him being a downer... ::shrugs:::

    I guess that's what's great about a message board we all have our input? :huh:
  • twnzmom
    twnzmom Posts: 182 Member
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    I am extemely luck in the husband department. He is so so supportive, he is always telling me how proud he is of me. I have never really worked out and when I started this journey i committed to 3-5 times a week but once I started and started seeing the results 3-5 was not enough now I exercise 5-6 a week.. Every single night when we retire for the evening he will snuggle and tell me how good I am doing and how proud he is of me for sticking this out. He will split a meal with me when we go out to dinner so that I can have my favorites without blowing my day. I love him with all my heart and yes I am doing this just for me but now i am also doing it a little bit for him. Don't stop, just keep on doing it for yourself and one day he will notice how fabulous you look and he will jump on the compliment wagon as well hopefully. Meanwhile you have all of us cheering you on. I could not have done this well without my MFP friends and my best friend and co-worker.
  • Bigpelly8
    Bigpelly8 Posts: 504 Member
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    If you don't get the support at home, you know you can always get it here!! My wife is understanding and respects what I am trying to do, but I get more support by my friends here, because they know what I am going through. My wife doesn't nor do any of my friends or family for that matter. People here have walked in my shoes, and they know what it's like. I can turn to anyone here when I need them, and you can do the same!!
  • kymarai
    kymarai Posts: 3,627 Member
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    It isn't uncommon for a spouse to be unsupportive in our weight loss journey. I have seen it many times. You are in the right site for support. He will either climb on board or get over it. You need to do this for you! You have a great attitude and goal. One day at a time, one bite at a time, and one step at a time. You can do this! Good luck!
  • suzukigrl
    suzukigrl Posts: 71
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    don't hold it against him too bad. people generally don't want people they love to change. not because they want you to continue to be unhealthy or feel bad but because they don't want your opinion of THEM to change. and yes, he will sabotauge you, whether he means to or not. just be firm and let him know you love him. he knows if you expect more of you, you will expect more of him. just be loving and kind despite his reluctance. you'll win him over. good luck and congratulations on making this healthy decision.
    wally
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    Girls are just bizarre creatures. Girl says, "I think I need to loose some weight." Guy responds, "I love you the way you are." Girl gets upset due to lack of support. Instead, guy responds, "Yeah, I've been thinking you need to lose some weight too." Girl gets upset because guy admits she's fat. Third alternative "Okay, let's go running together." Girl gets upset because guy is trying to fix the problem instead of listening to her vent.

    Bottom line: For all you know, he *was* being supportive and you misinterpreted it. Now if he starts bringing home pizza and donuts, and your favorite ice cream, knowing full well what you're trying to do, that's another story.
    Always great to hear a guys input on here:flowerforyou:
  • gnrshelton
    gnrshelton Posts: 358 Member
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    I think your husband might be trying to be supportive. He isn't telling you that you need to lose weight he is telling you that you are beautiful to him how you are. That should at least make you feel loved. That IS his way of being supportive. If you lose the weight I am sure he will love you for the new you. I know you want to lose the weight to be healthy. That I can understand but I'm also sure you want to lose the weight to look and feel better about yourself like most people do. Give the hubby a little slack. Just show him how amazing you feel when you lose the weight. If you don't want to hear what he has to say you probably shouldn't ask. You have to do life changes for you and not for the support you will get from others. If it's truly for you then what he says shouldn't matter.
  • skylersnanna
    skylersnanna Posts: 88
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    wow lots of different opinions here, and thanks all for pitching in, but no I have tried sitting him down and explaining why Im trying to lose weight, he to is also very over weight but will not join me in losing his, we live at home with his parents and his mother has done nothing to help the situation by babying him and buying him junk food not just for him but the whole family we cannot afford to move out as Im in the process of a spousal immigration application, so thats when I decided that if he wasnt going to join me thats no excuse for me not to lose weight, but now he is insecure that if I lose weight then other men are going to look at me and Im going to run off with someone else, I have reassured him so many times that that will never happen, yet he sits there stuffing his face watching hockey while I do my exercising, Im hoping that later down the track he will see my success and join me, but Im not holding my breathe :cry:
  • janemartin02
    janemartin02 Posts: 2,653 Member
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    HI!When I started this journey I weighed over 300 lbs.I wanted to lose wt to be healthy to live to see my children grow up and enjoy my grand children.I was doing this for me.I didn`t want to be diabetic,I didn`t want to be obese.I didn`t want to have high blood pressure and other heath issues.
    My husband married me when I weighed over 250 lbs.I knew he married me for me.At first he didn`t understand why I wanted to loose wt.Also was it gonna be like before,the yo yo dieting.I have lost 93 lbs so far.It has been a lot of ups and downs with some health issues and surgery on the side,but I haven`t given up.I won`t give up.I want to be at a healthy wt for me,not to please anyone else.
    Do what you have to do for you.Find the support where you can.the MFP has been very helpful to me.Your husband loves you for you,i`m sure but if you aren`t happy the wt you are,I say go girl!
    Be healthy and be happy.If he wants to join you he will,but it`s his decision.
    good luck!you can do anything you put your mind to.Just don`t quit,keep moving forward and you`ll get to where you want ! day at a time.
    Take care,jane
  • DKWaggoner
    DKWaggoner Posts: 185
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    I have to agree with some others on here & say Maybe your being to hard on him.He is letting you know he loves you . you cant really fault him for that.Give him a break.
    Good luck to you!
  • DondeEstaMiCulo
    DondeEstaMiCulo Posts: 26
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    I think I might be able to offer some input from a psychological point... (I'm not a doctor, I'm just crazy, lol)

    To start, it definitely doesn't help if mom is enabling him. A person has to *want* to improve them self before they start to make the necessary steps. If he's not motivated to do so then nobody is going to be able to convince him otherwise. By mom 'feeding' in to his eating habits, she's subconsciously rewarding him for his current lifestyle. It might be fine for them, and I'm not condemning anyone here, but obviously that isn't what you want for yourself. You should be proud of yourself for being strong and not giving in!

    Now regarding his perceived lack of support, it could be possible that he might be afraid that you will want to change him too. He probably likes where he is and enjoys his current lifestyle. If he doesn't want to change that, then he could perceive your new way of life as a threat to his "comfortable spot." But if you stick to your guns and show how positively life-changing this can all be, he might start to come around to it. It might even be worth talking to the mom and explaining to her what your goals are. If she's going to support him in his current lifestyle, then maybe she would be willing to support you in yours. ;) I'm not going to go into the whole "Oedipus-complex" thing, but if he sees her supporting you, then he'll likely start to come around as well.

    So stay positive, keep focused, and remember you have lots of family and support here at MFP!


    ~Brian
  • st27
    st27 Posts: 101
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    Some times people dont get it. The ones who say they love us try to fill us up with cakes, ice cream and candy. That's what Iam dealing with. Stay strong.That why I stay to myself......:)
  • skylersnanna
    skylersnanna Posts: 88
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    I have to agree with some others on here & say Maybe your being to hard on him.He is letting you know he loves you . you cant really fault him for that.Give him a break.
    Good luck to you!

    Ok heres the thing Im not at all saying he does'nt love me, my point is ok yes he says Im beautiful the way I am and I thank him for that and we are always telling each other how much we love one another but then he turns around and tells me to stop exercising and to just sit down with him and stuff my face with junk.....Im not going to do that, he is not accepting the fact I want to get healthy for the sake of my asthma and arthritis it is hard lugging all this weight around huffing and puffing to go up 3 flights of stairs in our house just to go to the bathroom I dont want to live like that any more.
    He has got in his head that if I lose weight other men will want me, then he turns it around on me by trying to make me feel guilty with sayings like well when you lose weight your not going to want a fat husband like me and we end up arguing, thats not what I want, so stop giving me the oh give the poor guy a break speel because I have tried to understand his point of view but I will be buggered if I give up being healthy all because he is becoming insecure, I have asked him to join me but he doesnt want to give up his lazy lifestyle and I cant make him he needs to want to do it for himself, and I have told him I will help him when he is ready
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    I have to agree with some others on here & say Maybe your being to hard on him.He is letting you know he loves you . you cant really fault him for that.Give him a break.
    Good luck to you!

    Ok heres the thing Im not at all saying he does'nt love me, my point is ok yes he says Im beautiful the way I am and I thank him for that and we are always telling each other how much we love one another but then he turns around and tells me to stop exercising and to just sit down with him and stuff my face with junk.....Im not going to do that, he is not accepting the fact I want to get healthy for the sake of my asthma and arthritis it is hard lugging all this weight around huffing and puffing to go up 3 flights of stairs in our house just to go to the bathroom I dont want to live like that any more.
    He has got in his head that if I lose weight other men will want me, then he turns it around on me by trying to make me feel guilty with sayings like well when you lose weight your not going to want a fat husband like me and we end up arguing, thats not what I want, so stop giving me the oh give the poor guy a break speel because I have tried to understand his point of view but I will be buggered if I give up being healthy all because he is becoming insecure, I have asked him to join me but he doesnt want to give up his lazy lifestyle and I cant make him he needs to want to do it for himself, and I have told him I will help him when he is ready
    At this point I'm not sure what you want from us? Many have shared tips and others have called him unsupportive in support of you while others have suggested he was being supportive in his own way.

    Perhaps it's now time for you to simply DO IT, take the reins and change your LIFE! Stop whining about what hubby is or is not doing and simply do this for you!! You are definitely not the first person on MFP that has had to deal with someone unsupportive in their life, there are threads nearly daily bringing this up. There are also threads sharing how unsupportive their mate once was but is now on board because of their example.:drinker:

    I'm not trying to be rude but it sounds more like you want us all to hate on him so you can have an excuse, you will find tough love on the boards as well as marshmallow love, tough love is sometimes needed to move forward for some that don't see the excuses they are making are only hindering their journey.:flowerforyou: We need to put ourselves first and that and only that will get us to our goals, not worrying so much about what the other person is doing.

    Time to simply plan your meals and eat healthy, fit in the exercises and get on with life, if he's not on board, do what many on here have chosen to do...DO IT ANYHOW!:wink::heart: For you!!

    Because in the end we are what's most important, we're not able to love another fully until we can first love ourselves, we can't teach by example unless we first begin the changes ourselves. We can't expect to change anyone else because that's simply not possible. Changing by our example is possible though allowing someone to see it and allowing them to make their own decisions is by far the best route to take.

    I wish you well but I do hope you begin to simply take back your power, let the excuses go and make this far more about you and less about him. :frown: :flowerforyou:
  • emmyvera
    emmyvera Posts: 599 Member
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    I totally understand. My husband was the same way at first. He actually didn't want me to lose too much, because he says....he doesn't want me to lose my butt! :laugh: :blushing:

    However, after a year of doing this and working on exercise and eating healthy, it has set it in with him that it is about being healthy. Now that he sees how important it is too me and for us to be healthy parents, he has started working out with me!

    Sometimes it just takes the time or the right way of expressing it/or motivation before they understand. It is great that they are accepting of us the way we are and will always be. We are lucky to have that. We just need to remind them that progress and improvement in ourselves is a positive way of life. :smile:
  • KendalBeee
    KendalBeee Posts: 2,269 Member
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    mine's not supportive but i plan on adding his 180lbs to my weight loss ticker when i get rid of him!!!!!!!! yay for divorce!! no the weight loss is not the reason but he's unsupportive of me in every way and i decided i was done.

    Good for you! girl I already lost 250 pounds when I left my cheating husband last December!!! at first he was supportive of my weightloss, but as he got more and more involved with his w^*&@$ he decided he'd rather sit at home and talk to them (yes....THEM...there was more than one.....all of this unbeknownst to me) than go to the gym with me. Didn't stop me from going. I actually preferred going by myself cause then I didn't have to shorten my workout to meet his time frame.
  • KAK68
    KAK68 Posts: 51 Member
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    Your lucky to have us for support then- please add me as a friend- I would love to be with you during this journey of ours.

    My husband tells me the same thing also--- your beautiful, you don't need to lose weight....... well I do love him for saying it and I know he believes it but I know how unhealthy I feel. He has never said a word to me about my weight. I am lucky that he is very supportive- he is doing this with me also- although he only has about 15 pounds to lose and not 80 pounds like me- bless his heart. Also, he is very active so I'm sure it will come off fast- I hate that about men !!!

    Wish you the best and know we are here for you for all the support you need.
  • margie_77
    margie_77 Posts: 693 Member
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    My BF is supportive, but when he saw my goal weight, he thought it was important to remind me that he likes bigger girls.

    I told him that, if at some point close to my goal he feels that I'm getting 'too skinny' to let me know and we can discuss it then.

    So far, he has been very helpful and has been cheering for me at every milestone. He even cooks for me.

    My guess is that your hub is worried that you might expect him to change his lifestyle or eating habits, and he just doesn't want to do that yet.

    Margie
  • KendalBeee
    KendalBeee Posts: 2,269 Member
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    I have to agree with some others on here & say Maybe your being to hard on him.He is letting you know he loves you . you cant really fault him for that.Give him a break.
    Good luck to you!

    Ok heres the thing Im not at all saying he does'nt love me, my point is ok yes he says Im beautiful the way I am and I thank him for that and we are always telling each other how much we love one another but then he turns around and tells me to stop exercising and to just sit down with him and stuff my face with junk.....Im not going to do that, he is not accepting the fact I want to get healthy for the sake of my asthma and arthritis it is hard lugging all this weight around huffing and puffing to go up 3 flights of stairs in our house just to go to the bathroom I dont want to live like that any more.
    He has got in his head that if I lose weight other men will want me, then he turns it around on me by trying to make me feel guilty with sayings like well when you lose weight your not going to want a fat husband like me and we end up arguing, thats not what I want, so stop giving me the oh give the poor guy a break speel because I have tried to understand his point of view but I will be buggered if I give up being healthy all because he is becoming insecure, I have asked him to join me but he doesnt want to give up his lazy lifestyle and I cant make him he needs to want to do it for himself, and I have told him I will help him when he is ready


    I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Weightloss is incredibly tough and having an unsupportive spouse makes it all that much more difficult. I hope he comes to his senses and realizes this is a good thing for you and he should jump on the band wagon so yall can experience this journey together.

    Is there any way to get your exercise outside of the house so he won't try to stop you in the middle of it? Thats so rude of him. That would REALLY piss me off and start a big fight. He may not be happy that you are trying to get healthier, but he shouldn't try to stop your attempt.

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