My dirty little secret...

"There are all sorts of good things about owning a turtle. They can't run away from you, and they are practically immortal, to the point where they may even outlive you. ****, there's even a turtle alive today that was found by a soldier during World War I. Let the pet be the one to mourn the owner and cry every time during Marley & Me, for a change. Yep, turtles can offer you companionship for decades and decades ... and the only thing they ask in return is that you look at (and sometimes clean) their awful, disgusting turtle ****s.



"Oh yeah, 'cause your crotch is a real treasure."


Like most males, turtles are proud of their penises. The difference is that there is no law against reptilian public indecency, so sometimes they get into the habit of waving their **** around, which is known as penis fanning. This has led to a series of hilariously horrified pet owners asking the Internet why there is a "poo," a "dark bladder," or a "black flower" coming out from behind the turtle. Black flower? How would a penis even look like-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Rj8DY7hwlVo
OK, yeah, there it is.


The terrifying part (yes, that video wasn't the terrifying part) is that sometimes your Leonardo's little katana gets stuck flopping around outside his shell, a problem known as a "penile prolapse." The good news is that this condition can be treated in your own home. The bad news is that you'll never feel clean again after doing this.

What exactly do you have to do? A quote from this turtle care website describes it:

"With clean hands ... lubricate the organ with KY Jelly, and gently attempt to assist the organ back into the turtle. If this fails ... coat the penis with dry, granulated sugar or honey."



"The most difficult step is learning to live with yourself afterward."

Or you can continue seeing the terror **** every day. Your call."

<a href="http://www.gifbin.com/987350"><img src="http://gifs.gifbin.com/032013/tn_1363802693_turtle_bites_puppys_tongue.gif&quot; alt="funny gifs" /></a>